What 50 Shadchanim Told Me

Home Forums Decaffeinated Coffee What 50 Shadchanim Told Me

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 52 total)
  • Author
  • #2256852

    Around the year 2005, I called approximately 50 shadchanim, and I asked all of them the same question: What are the biggest obstacles that ruin shidduchim?

    The 50 shadchanim gave me these two answers more often than all others:
    [1] short boys [2] fat girls.

    The first problem that ruins shidduchim — short boys — is not a solvable problem.
    Since there is nothing that can be done about it, I will not talk about it now.

    The second problem that ruins shidduchim — fat girls — is a solvable problem, or SHOULD be solvable problem.

    Also, I have seen many times that a high percentage of men who cannot get married are also fat or noticeably overweight.

    Eating food late at night makes people fat.
    If you want to lose unwanted fat, then stop eating all foods after 7 PM.
    If you want to lose even more fat, then stop eating all foods after 6 PM.
    The earlier you stop eating, the more you lose unwanted fat.

    Scientists have discovered one food that is eaten by almost all fat people:

    Sugary Drinks make people fat, even more than eating sugary solid foods.
    Almost every flavored drink contains large amounts of revealed sugar or hidden sugar or both.

    Even Crystal Light, which claims to be “SUGAR FREE”, contains MALTODEXTRIN, which is even worse than regular sugar, to make people fat.

    The WORST Sugary Drink is SODA, which contains both large amounts of sugar and ACID, which both attack teeth to cause cavities, and also attack bones.
    In the early 2000s, SODA was #1 on the list of foods that kill people.

    Orange Juice may seem healthy, but like soda, it also contains both large amounts of sugar and ACID, which both attack teeth to cause cavities, and also attack bones.

    To be healthy, just drink pure WATER.

    I could say much more, but I want to limit the length of this message.

    I do not receive any personal benefit from writing this message.
    I wrote this message as a chesed to my fellow Jews,
    to help them avoid shidduchim problems
    and to help them avoid health problems, with G*D’s help.

    Resident Mortal

    Question: How do they know they are fat if they don’t even take their resumes?


    Most people who struggle with their weight during childhood and during the shidduchim years are very bright. They know all the above and more.
    I hope you never have children or grandchildren who have a problem beimg overweight. If you do, they probably resent your opinions.

    You receive personal benefit by writing this message because you convince yourself that you’re absolved from helping those who are overweight find their bashert.


    Shortness might also be affected by lack of nutrition.


    There is a mentally and spiritually healthy way to approach obesity and its relationship with shidduchim.

    Men and women have certain issues that are viscerally tied to their feelings of self worth and image. If you knock a man’s torah learning or financial achievements, it is a dagger through the chest…with women, it is their appearance, their housekeeping, and child rearing which are the most vulnerable aspects of their self esteem.

    Women who are overweight often look, ironically, to food as a comfort for their lack of self worth. Giving plans for dieting can often backfire…there is an appropriate time and place for such coaching, but it is extremely delicate. Reminding a woman that she will have a hard time getting married usually will only amplify those feelings of self loathing.


    So if medical science can find ways to stretch the bochurim and flatten the bnos yisroel we will have solved the shidduch crisis??


    Something doesn’t add up to square_root post. 50 shadchanim did not say short boys and fat girls. The bigger issue is too much is expected. No one is really interested in looking away at different things. Girls and boys are very fussy with what they want. Boys and girls re much too choosy..


    There is one thing that people struggling with obesity and people struggling with shidduchim have in common. They don’t need peoples condescending unsolicited advice!

    Sam Klein

    Lets all FACE REALITY AND TRUTH and stop living in denial. We all know the truth from Hashem’s message regarding the shidduch crisis and know that if we read just the first few sentences of Hashem’s message below that in truth we are all wrong and owe a major apology to Hashem our loving father and king of kings ruler of the world for questioning him on why we or our children are not married yet when they are already old enough and mature enough to be married. Would YOU dare question your Rav on a personal Halacha question you asked him, even if he answered not to your favor?

    Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.

    Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
    Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.

    Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year? Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything. as we say in bentching from Tehillim “ודורשי ה לא יחסרו כל טוב” i.e. for one who seeks out Hashem directly lacks nothing that is good.

    Gedol Hador

    Sam Klein,

    Your post is very insulting to the thousands of older singles who DO turn directly to Hashem for help. Many say Tehillim, go to the Kosel, take on kabbolos etc. for a long time, but have not yet seen a yeshuah.

    Oh, and by the way, when you say “Mrs. Seminary Girl,” don’t you mean Miss?


    @OP, this sounds like a rant of a bitter alter bucher who is angry at the world, my suggestion is that you seek help to let go of some of the anger.


    Your original post actually reveals what the ACTUAL cause of the shidduch crisis is! – The Shadchanim!

    Why is short boys the biggest obstacle to shidduchim?? And to suggest that there is no solution?!
    And as it is, I hardly believe that you spoke to an actual 50 shadchanim (maybe it was more like 5?).

    PS: a simple solution to the “short boys ‘problem'” is EDUCATION. Both boys and girls should learn to appreciate something deeper than cheap, shallow externalities.

    It doesn’t mean EVERYONE should be OK with it, but that it should be the NUMBER ONE obstacle? If this is true then, as stated, the issue is wayy beyond the actual preference.

    Gedol Hador

    Ysiegel, you say that both boys and girls should learn to appreciate something deeper than cheap, shallow externalities. This has always been very difficult. Tosafos in Taanis 3a says באשה לא דייק עלמא אלא ליופי, when getting married to a girl people only care about her looks. And without physical attraction it is extremely hard, or even near impossible, to build a strong marriage.

    Gedol Hador

    Sorry, Taanis 4a


    Shadchanim hording resumes and matching according to their understansding seems to be one of the issues leading to narrow choices.
    I heard there is a modern way to share shidduch resume thry Isawyou@sinai, with YU having their own subgroup there. Is there a yeshivishe version? And if not, maybe there should be.


    Why should the girls diet? There should be organizations to fatten up the boys! How dare you suggest that the girls should have to shoulder any burden for their single status! Is it even possible that a frum yid can have any considerations that outweigh the great burden the bnos yisroel carry? Just imagine how sad it is for the girls to spend all night on their phones, while the boys get to sit and learn. Send the boys to the dining room and let them stuff their bellies until they promise to stop learning.

    That is the real way to attack a problem in our day.


    In the early 2000s, there was a list of over 100 shadchanim, maybe 200+.

    I volunteered to update and correct that list,
    by calling each shadchan individually,
    and asking if they were still active, or not.
    I spent several weeks doing that.

    I also asked each shadchan questions, similar to these:

    [1] What kind of singles do you normally help?

    [2] What age range do you work with?

    [3] When is the best time for singles to call you?

    [4] Do you have more boys, or more girls, or both equally?

    [5] Do you work with: Litvish? Chasidish? Modern Orthodox?
    Sephardim? Baalei Teshuvah? Gairim? Russians? Divorced?

    That list no longer exists because its author abandoned it many years ago.
    The author of that list is disgusted by shadchanim, and refuses to call them.
    No, I was *** NOT *** the author of that list!!!

    Yes, I really did call 50 shadchanim.
    (Actually, I called more than 100, but it no longer matters.)

    Yes, I really did ask 50 shadchanim:
    What are the biggest obstacles that ruin shidduchim?

    Yes, 50 shadchanim told me the biggest problems are short boys and fat girls.

    If anyone here doubts that what I said is true,
    then I invite YOU to call 50 shadchanim,
    and ask them all:
    What are the biggest obstacles that ruin shidduchim?

    This will take time, but you might actually learn something!
    You probably won’t do it, because it is easier
    to accuse and criticize, than it is to do something helpful.

    When I volunteered to update and correct that list,
    I did so LeShem Shamayim, to help my fellow Jews.

    When I started this discussion, in this Coffee Room,
    I also did it LeShem Shamayim, to help my fellow Jews.


    Again the Chassidishe have it right… you see many Chassidim married happily where the husband is shorter than the wife. I’m related to some.

    ☕️coffee addict

    Everyone should realize that square root is on a crusade to get people to eat healthier

    Ethics and Entenmann’s

    Just like crusades eating a certain way has been turned into a religion (ask any vegetarian and they’ll quote the health benefits of not eating meat)


    I am not so sure that Taanis fully approves of this attitude. It criticizes Eliezer for not qualifying that the girl is not lame or blind, but it does not criticize him for requesting her to have right middos.


    Not eating meat can be good for you. It depends on whether you replace the meat with healthy vegetables or with non meat junk food!

    Gedol Hador

    AAQ, I don’t understand what you’re saying. Reread your post and try again.


    Ysiegel, of course there are many things that are important when looking for a shidduch. However, you can’t tell people to ignore looks. It is very important that a couple finds each other to be physically attractive. If everything else is perfect, but the guy thinks she’s not attractive, then they should not get married!


    Taanis 3a is discussing Eliezer where the primary importance was middos. The criticism was that he didn’t mention anything about her physical state (she could have been lame or blind.) If middos were put first and primary, and then looks included afterwards (ideas weight isn’t mentioned, let alone more superficial preferences), then this discussion wouldn’t be happening


    If EITHER party in a shiduch goes into the marriage feeling disappointed that they had to “settle” for the physical attributes of their future spouse, its not a good siman of their future success. Of course, feelings may change but obviously much better to begin a marriage with a sense of excitement and enthusiasm about the person you will spend your life with and raise a family.


    Agreed. GDH, ideally, no one should feel they’ve settled for something less then. However, putting physical attributes at the top of the list is shallow. I know of marriages where one side either didn’t ask for a picture, and ended up finding his bigger sized wife attractive because of her chein or personality. I know of a woman who met a young man and found him unattractive but went out with him a few more times until values/ personality etc overrode her initial reaction and it didn’t bother her anymore. Both couples are bH married. If someone makes a shopping list of all preferences for physical attributes as the top thing on their list, that’s shallow. Hopefully they’ll meet someone likeminded and shallow that works for them, or they’ll miss many potential good matches


    I actually know of a friend who agreed to meet donating whose foot was amputated for machla, because she had learned that some people have obvious blemishes and some concealed. She was willing to meet him and they’rea special wonderful couple on shlichus. Those kind of messages are helpful


    Gedol Hador, see CSs post.


    And another friend married someone who is only half an inch taller. When asked if she was bothered, she said, she was surprised as she didn’t think it was something significant.

    At the end of the day, the person we marry is a package deal, and will not be perfect. No one ideally skills feel they aren’t excited to marry the person they marry. It’s a matter of what’s priority

    The formula we follow in Chabad is:

    1) compatible Yiras shomayim/ values
    2) hamshachas halev- attraction, which can be to personality, chemistry or looks. Basically more than feelings of basic ahavas Yisrael to the person
    Which is why in many cases, it is silly to reject someone for attraction reasons based on a description or photo which doesn’t take into account charm and personality


    In my experience, shadchanim are very judgy.


    Cs, please don’t try to hide the fact that there’s a HUGE determining factor in chabad besides those things.

    The shtarkest BT will never, ever marry into a Gez family. Even a non-Gez will almost never marry a Gez. You know it, and it needs to change.


    Avira, there are many such marriages in Chabad. There are some families that put a similar family background as one priority, and that’s better than putting physical characteristics. Maybe look into your facts before you present them:). I also know of many more modern Chabad who would put looks as a top thing. There are plenty of shallow people everywhere, but the ones who strive to be chassidim, will put their priorities in the proper order. Because they’re a different type of people than the shallow minded ones, not because they think they’re settling for second class.


    OP, mazel tov! You totally singlehandedly solved the shidduch crisis! Someone should pair up short boys with overweight girls!


    “The shtarkest BT will never, ever marry into a Gez family. Even a non-Gez will almost never marry a Gez. You know it, and it needs to change. ..

    What is a “GEZ”??


    The opening post implies that Jews in shidduchim are extremely superficial. I don’t believe it. And the opening poster has not disclosed his credentials for giving nutritional advice.


    Gadol, Gez refers to “original” Lubavitch families from Russia, as opposed to other groups who became Lubavitch, BTs and gerim. As far as I’ve heard, there’s a strict hierarchy where non-gez people cannot marry gez families. BTs and gerim usually are in the same boat too. Whereas in the rest of the Torah world, this isn’t so; it’s not always a meritocracy, but it’s much closer to one.


    And like I said, that’s inaccurate. The person’s values are always first to those who care about gezh.
    Then, some see it as a priority to marry those from similar backgrounds. Many don’t. Those who are more modern don’t really care at all. There are even marriages in Chabad where the shliach became mechutanim with the mekurav (I think the first was in Italy.) sholom Mordechai rubashkin is gezh- his aishes chayil is a bt. Choni milecki is a son of bts- he married gezh. These are well known names you may have heard but there are plenty plenty more. People would have a hard time marrying ffb if they are bt, which is completely understandable. But children of bts can go either way. Some families would prefer to marry gezh and some don’t care. As a child of bts I highly respect some gezh families, some who would consider children of bts and some who wouldn’t. These families are inclusive of bts in every way, and there is absolutely no difference or hierarchy in school, teaching positions etc, but they would prefer their kids marry similar background which I totally understand. A bt home cannot compare to a sincere gezh home that has been Chassidim for generations. Bts have their own maalos which gezh don’t, and some families are open to it and some not. In either case, preferring your child marry a similar family background is not shallow, considering there are authentic reasons behind it. And definitely not comparable to a guy putting physical attributes at the top of his list.

    But other


    Is there a formal or informal “Gez” registry? How does a shadchan otherwise know whether a bochur’s prospective machatunim came over on the Mayflower (or the Chabad version therof)?


    What is marriageability status of someone has yichus to prominent misnagdim who had a zechus of throwing heilike stones at Baal Shem Tov? Asking for a friend.


    Gutte voch from my locality. Gezh last names are usually known. If your last name is Johnson etc, you’re not. The whole lubavitch is connected so easy to find out who’s who.


    Who knew that all it would take to lose weight was for some rando on the internet to post a bunch of generic weight loss advice alone with a tad of hyperbole and everyone would lose weight?
    In all honesty this is probably the least useful recommendation yet.


    I suggest that this discussion should return to its original topic.


    Top Five Foods that make people fat, and ruin their health and shidduch chances:

    [1] All sugary drinks, which includes almost every flavored drink.

    Crystal Light is NOT SUGAR FREE!
    It contains maltodextrin, which is even worse than regular sugar.

    [2] Soda is the worst of all sugary drinks.
    It makes you FAT, while attacking your teeth and bones.

    [3] Potatoes correlate with obesity more than any other one food.
    The most unhealthy way to eat potatoes is French Fries.

    [4] Peanuts and Peanut Butter will make you fat very quickly.
    Most nuts are high in nutrients, but they are also high in fat.

    [5] Food eaten late at night will cause obesity and digestive problems.


    Square, potatoes are not a worse carbohydrate than wheat or anything else; it also has potassium, which other carbs do not have. French fries are worse because of the saturated far from the oil. Whole wheat has more fiber, which helps in digestion, but potatoes themselves aren’t horrible.

    Peanuts are very high in protein; they have fat too, but fat content alone doesn’t add weight (they used to think that 30 years ago). Peanuts butter, however can have sugar, which is not good.

    Sugary sodas are just a public nuisance; zero nutrition and lots of bad stuff; sugar, acids..

    Eating before bed is tricky; there are studies that show that people who eat before bed are more likely to gain weight – but these studies have a huge flaw. They don’t ask people if they’re eating their supper before bed – many are simply saying that they eat additional food before bed, and additional food means more calories. Science hasn’t discovered a direct cause and effect system that makes you gain weight from eating before sleeping, but it’s not disproven…just it’s not anywhere near proven that there’s a cause and effect.


    @OP, this is what 50 shadchunim told me, there is nothing worse than being a bitter alter bucher and knocking the system, no one want to hear from them because all the negativity, maybe chuck the bitterness and people would take you more seriously.


    Five Foods that Kill People
    from: Yahoo Shine, year 2011
    {1} sodas, colas, sweet carbonated beverages
    {2} potato chips and French fries
    {3} candy bars
    {4} sausages and wieners
    {5} fatty meats, especially fried


    I also don’t think sausages are so bad either; there’s data recently that shows an increase risk for certain cancers from processed meats, but I’m not convinced. Definitely better to eat sausages that are not beef or not entirely beef, as it’s higher in saturated fat, which definitely is linked to a host of health problems.


    Quick Tips: Which foods are healthier?
    {1} Brown Rice is healthier than White Rice or pasta.
    {2} Oats are healthier than Brown Rice.
    {3} Black beans are healthier than other beans.
    {4} Flounder is healthier than tuna, and salmon is healthier than flounder.
    {5} Sweet potatoes are healthier than regular potatoes.
    {6} Pure water is MUCH healthier than: soda, tea, Snapple or alcohol.
    {7} Eat no more than one whole egg each day; more white parts are safe.
    {8} Brown eggs are not healthier than white eggs, just more expensive.
    {9} Fresh eggs sink in water; bad ones float.
    {10} Olive oil is infinitely healthier than butter. (OxygenMag 2011/8/16)
    {11} Herbs and spices are much healthier than salt. (ibid)


    Seven Most Unhealthy Snack Foods:
    candy bars, cheese, granola [especially bars],
    muffins, peanuts, potato chips, soda.

    SOURCE: Connie Roberts MS, nutrition editor for the Harvard Heart Letter

    fit n frum

    It’s important to note: weight and fat gain is caused by eating in a caloric surplus, losing weight and fat is caused by eating in a deficit. Numerous studies have shown that as long as the total number of calories you eat is the same, the time of consumption (ie before 7 pm)and the type of food (ie junk vs healthy)DO NOT MATTER. Provided you are in a surplus, the scale will go up, a deficit and it goes down. You can gain weight on fruits and lose it on chocolate. HOWEVER, hunger and binge eating are probably the two biggest obstacles in a diet. The hormones that control hunger and fullness weaken at night, making you far more likely to overeat. Additionally, it is super easy to eat tons of calories without feeling full if you are eating heavily processed carbs and junk. One pound of fat is 3500 calories. A daily deficit of 500 calories is probably the highest deficit most people can sustain, and it equates to 1 pound of fat per week. While many people think they lost 5 pounds in their first week of a diet, in truth it is mostly water weight(same goes for gaining 5 pounds after fressing at a chasenah- it’s mainly food volume and water weight). The only way to lose weight is to eat less calories than you burn. Cardio and exercise can help, but keep in mind the 30 minutes you spend on the treadmill will be the equivalent of 3 Oreos. To be successful in your diet, prioritize having lots of protein and fiber, as they will keep you more full. Drink lots of water too. Oils, sauces, and butter are extremely high calorie, so be mindful of that when you add them to your foods. Often people claim to be gaining weight on extremely low calorie diets, but after examining how well they track there food it’s clear they are eating far more than they realize. A salad loaded with croutons, cheese, olive oil and dressing might amount to upwards of 800 calories. Diets like Keto and intermittent fasting can be great short term, but they aren’t some secret hack for weight loss and often aren’t sustainable. Not eating after a certain time at night is very sustainable, and probably will be a great way to help create a caloric deficit, but once again is not some weight loss trick. Find your maintenance calories(look up Maintenance Calorie Calculator), go 300-500 calories per day below it, buy a food scale, start tracking all your meals, and much Hatzlacha .
    Side points: Maltodextrin and other zero calorie sweeteners are amazing for weight loss. They will NOT cause you to gain weight, and if anything, a diet soda is a great way to feel more full. However, many people find that artificial sweeteners give them gut issues, and therefore avoid them.
    Red meat and cholesterol are blown way over proportion. Meat and egg yolks are some of the most nutrient dense foods in the planet, and are good sources of protein.
    I wish this basic nutrition info was more widespread in the Jewish community, and that there wasn’t such a culture of fress fress fress.

Viewing 50 posts - 1 through 50 (of 52 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.