what do I say?

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  • #598146

    cookies123
    Member

    My very close friend just told me that she had a miscarriage… I feel terribly sorry. She needs my chizuk. What do I tell her?

    #788474

    HaLeiVi
    Participant

    Tell her it’s very common, and she will have perfectly healthy children in the future, Be’ezras Hashem.

    #788475

    mommamia22
    Participant

    Tell her you love her and you are here for her in any way she needs. Don’t be afraid to cry with her. When I had multiple miscarriages, my best friend was so sad for me she began to cry and I did not feel so alone. Give her a website for other women experiencing fertility issues called fertile thoughts.com. It literally was my lifeline when I needed support. They have different forums for different issues including primary infertility, secondary infertility, miscarriages, male issues, advanced maternal age issues and concerns, adoption, etc… Almost anything you can think of. Good luck.

    #788476

    mik5
    Participant

    I am so sorry. And this is during the Three Weeks, a time of tremendous calamity for Klal Yisrael.

    Blessed be the True Judge, and may your friend know no more sorrow.

    #788477

    oomis
    Participant

    Tell her it’s very common, and she will have perfectly healthy children in the future, Be’ezras Hashem. “

    You truly mean well, but you cannot know that she will have other children, and her miscarriage is on her right now, so now would not be the best time to say that. She may not be able to hear it yet.

    Just tell her how sad you are for her tzorah, and that you are there for her in any way that she needs you to be. Cry with her, if she needs to cry, take her out of her house for a drive, if that’s what she needs. Let her talk nonstop, or sit with her in silence and let her grieve. Just BE there.

    My sister had a miscarriage of her first child, after trying for several years to have a baby. B”H she had three other children, but it did not happen again right away. She was not sure she would ever have children. Every person who said,”Don’t cry, you’re young, you’ll have other children,” meant well, but it was like a stab in the heart. I took her aside with me and just held her and told her if she wanted to cry she was safe with me to do so. She had a very long good cry, and felt a little better afterward.

    You cannot make promises to someone – there are no guarantees in life, even when we want to give chizuk. The best chizuk is letting someone know you are there for them in the way that THEY need you to be.

    #788478

    cookies123
    Member

    Thanks for your replies. We should always be healthy and strong to face the many challenges in life.

    #788479

    adorable
    Participant

    I have a very close friend who had a mis in her 4th month. It was right before Pesach and it did’t help that she was going to her MIL for yom tov with her sisters in law that were all pregnant! they did not know about her mis so they weren’t nec careful about the way they spoke around her. It was a very hard time for her and I cried along with her. Since we dont live near each other there was no way I can really physically help her but I was there for her emotionally and she knew that.

    #788480

    smartcookie
    Member

    Haleivi- that is a TERRIBLE thing to say. People need sympathy, not Assurance. She KNOWS it’s common and that she’ll have more children.

    Please please don’t talk about her future children!

    Just tell her how hard it must be, ask her if she’s feeling better. Offer if you can be of any help.

    Maybe even buy her a nice book to read while she rests.

    It’s not a tragedy, but it isn’t easy.

    #788481

    Another name
    Participant

    These kind of situations are never easy. But I can tell you what NOT to say. Don’t say “You’re sp lucky. It couldve been worse” or “the child would have been special needs if born.”

    #788482

    mommamia22
    Participant

    About the website I mentioned, you can tell her that anonymously talking to other women who have had the same experience can be an invaluable source of support. First really be there for her and with her, though, or sh’ll feel like you’re just redirecting the grief and need for support.

    Adorable, I had my first miscarriage (I had already gone for several sonograms) days before my sister gave birth. That was a really painful/mixed feeling hospital visit. I did not tell my sister until years later that I had any and she still doesn’t know I had looked forward to having a child close to the age of hers. Even seeing babies born around the same time as a woman was supposed to give birth can be a painful reminder for years to come. Time does heal wounds, though. The hardest time is when it first happens. My husband was very supportive after the first (I was depressed for two weeks), but for later ones, he feared so much I’d need support that he just pulled away. That’s when I found the website.

    #788483

    zahavasdad
    Participant

    We suffered through that and may have just suffered through that in the last few weeks (We are not sure..and frankly I dont want to know)

    But the first time as soon as she was able to, we worked on getting a kid again and it worked. There was really no consoling my wife over it until she got pregnant again.

    Many women did go up to her and told them it hnappend to them too (Probably most women as it seemed like almost everyone we knew

    #788484

    always here
    Participant

    several months ago, when I mentioned to my doctor that my daughter had just had a mis, he said ‘oh, that’s very common’ … it was not any consolation & I took it as insensitive 🙁

    #788485

    apushatayid
    Participant

    Is it helpful to tell someone, “hey, it happens to everyone”?

    Who said you have to say anything? Perhaps all your friend wants is a shoulder to cry on and someone to understand she is going through a difficult time.

    #788486

    Another name
    Participant

    apushatayid, you are right of course. I should add that to my above list of stupid phrases to comfort someone in this kind of situation.

    #788487

    aries2756
    Participant

    There really isn’t much one can say other than “that’s so sad, I wish you could have shared “good” news with me. This must be very difficult for you. How can I offer my support at this difficult time?” You can also add “I have big shoulders if you need a shoulder to cry on, I give great hugs if you need one, and I am a good listener if you need to talk. I am here for you in any capacity that you need me.”

    This will give your friend a good feeling that you care and that she is not alone because when you go through such a loss you feel isolated.

    #788488

    adorable
    Participant

    Please DO NOT tell her that its common and she’ll have more children. thats NOT what she needs to hear now!

    #788489

    i would NOT tell her anything specific at all

    just show her how sorry you are

    she needs emotional support not advice

    she needs caring and hugs and love

    #788490

    adorable
    Participant

    80- could not have said it better myself.

    smart again!

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