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This is something I struggle with so much. Approaching my 20th birthday IY”H, I’m more scared than excited. Most of my friends are either dating, married, or engaged & I’m the odd one out. I come from an “out of town” type of family, so dating can be approached from many angles for me, i.e. shidduchim, or meeting someone on my own. As my parents met on their own, they expect the same to happen for me & are not exactly pro the shidduch system. Whenever another friend tells me they are dating someone, getting engaged, or even by their wedding I can’t help but to feel anxious and down on myself instead of being over the moon for them (yes, I am aware how selfish that is.). I know so many beautiful, amazing girls who are already in their late 20’s & are still not married. In addition, all this talk about the “Shidduch Crises” makes me head spin 10x. I don’t know what to do- maybe I’m just not ready to date and that’s why nothing is happening? Everybody keeps telling me not to worry, & that I am “next” but I really have this crazy thing inside of me literally telling me it won’t happen. What is there to do? Has anybody else been in this state?
If everyone around you expects you to get married by meeting
someone on your own, they may not be thinking about suggesting
anyone for you to meet, and they certainly aren’t speaking to
shadchanim. You didn’t mention any effort you are making yourself
to meet anyone or seek out suggestions, either. Under those
circumstances, it is to be expected that “nothing is happening.”
Take a deep breath and relax. You’re only 20. Not everyone gets married so young, and if you are anxious, it may come out in your dates or worse you may end up marrying someone who may not be appropriate. All in the right time with the right one. Just relax.
To quote flatbusher, take a deep breath. Slow down.
20 is young. Very young. You are still growing up and maturing. It is 100% ok to not be married at 20.
It sounds like you need to ‘get out of your head’ a bit. Very often the we work ourselves up and become anxious from the voices in our head. Breath. Go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Do something that you enjoy. Most importantly don’t let yourself fall into a negative spin.
I have faith that you will find the right person at the right time. With a healthy state of mind I know you’ll be ready to build a bais neman b’yirael.
I totally understand (and agree with) all of the posters telling you not to worry since you are only 20.
At the same time, I am concerned about the fact that your parents won’t you let you shidduch-date. At one time, the normal way to have met people may have been different, but it seems to me that nowadays, refusing to go on shidduchim amounts to relying on a miracle.
It is possible that it is different in your circles. However, even in circles in which people meet on the own, they usually also go on shidduchim when applicable and appropriate. Even in the secular world, l’havdil, there is a concept of blind dates.
My grandparents, a”h, weren’t Frum, and even they met via a blind date. While, actually, my grandmother was calling my grandfather to try to set him up with another girl, and he ended up asking her out. But she was trying to set him up on a blind date.
If you felt like this system (of meeting guys on your own) was working for you, I wouldn’t be concerned. But it sounds like you don’t think it’s working and you would want to go on shidduchim if your parents let.
Is there any way to convince them? Do you have a Rav whom you can discuss this with, and maybe have him speak to them? Maybe you can ask your parents if they can let you try it once or twice (the first time you may be nervous, so maybe it should be twice) and see how it goes.
I think someone needs to explain to your parents (politely, of course) that even though it worked for them, things are different nowadays. Just like they didn’t meet the same way that their grandparents or great-grandparents did.
I thought this thread would be about one of those meshugenah weddings where 20,000 couples get married at once in one ceremony. One thing I don’t do is bring gifts for all the happy couples. (But if I waited a year, I probably could afford gifts for both the happy couples.)
OP, you are NOT helpless. You cannot be passive, and expect things to happen.
If you rely on the shidduch system, be a meilitz for yourself to anyone who is in a position to help. Don’t expect they will know what you are thinking and feeling, or that they will even think about you at all, if you don’t approach them for help.
If you don’t rely on the shidduch system, you can still reach out to friends and acquaintances for ideas, introductions, or a place to stay for a shabbos or an event. If there’s someone who you know, or who has been suggested to you, you can PICK UP THE PHONE. It may not be what you’re used to, but its better than sitting alone wondering why you don’t have any prospects.
This is the most confusing thing ever. Or maybe for the time being since I’m in this parsha.
A bunch of shiurim, books, real life rabbis talk about how bitachon and emuna are what you need for a shidduch and histadlus is really only to calm one’s nerves and doesn’t affect the outcome.
Then there are all these people yelling to get up and start meeting people, changing your schedule, getting out there, etc because no one is going to get married without effort.
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