February 17, 2014 3:56 pm at 3:56 pm #612154
What exactly is the point of marriage? I know this sounds like a real juvenile question but it is something I really don’t understand. I know we don’t marry just for the heck of it, rather because marriage is something that we are commanded to do. Now, if that is true than why do so many people feel so unfulfilled in a marriage if the point of it is not to serve your spouse rather to serve God?February 17, 2014 4:26 pm at 4:26 pm #1017087
I’m not sure I understand your question, but if you’re solely looking at marriage from the perspective of avodas Hashem, you should still recognize that it serves that function only as much as it’s a properly functioning, “fulfilling” marriage.
Mostly, though, we’re human beings, and despite our idealism, we have real emotional needs, such as to feel appreciated and cherished.February 17, 2014 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #1017088
Mostly, though, we’re human beings, and despite our idealism, we have real emotional needs, such as to feel appreciated and cherished.
So that’s really my question, should your emotional needs come before your spiritual fulfillment of Hashem’s commandment? If emotional needs are more important, than what is the point of marriage, because obviously it is not because it’s a commandment…
You must understand though that I may be at a point of disadvantage as I am not married.February 17, 2014 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #1017089
What’s the point of anything? Married is a good way to live a life, Hashem gave us marriage and told us to do it. That doesn’t mean everything is wonderful all the time. Why should it?February 17, 2014 7:07 pm at 7:07 pm #1017090
should your emotional needs come before your spiritual fulfillment of Hashem’s commandment
It’s a prerequisite, because someone whose emotional needs are not met will usually not be able to serve Hashem properly.February 17, 2014 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #1017091
Married is a good way to live a life
heretohelp: Depends on who you ask.
DY: Okay, that is definitely understandable. Now, my original questions still stands: Is marriage done because it is a commandment or does it run deeper than that? When one gets married what should his/her intentions be?February 17, 2014 7:52 pm at 7:52 pm #1017092jewishfeminist02Member
It doesn’t have to be either/or. Many of Hashem’s commandments also make us feel good. There’s nothing wrong with that. When you get married, you should do it a) because Hashem wants you to and b) because you want to. You should NOT get married to someone if you don’t genuinely personally want to do it, thinking it’s a pious thing to do. It’s not. You have to really be emotionally committed to it, or it won’t work.February 17, 2014 10:04 pm at 10:04 pm #1017093
So if you have no interest in getting married and if marriage will ultimately be detrimental emotionally, than could it just be skipped?February 17, 2014 10:32 pm at 10:32 pm #1017094jewishfeminist02Member
No, it can’t just “be skipped”. What I mean is that a) you should not get married until you’re really ready and b) you should not get married to the wrong guy just for the sake of getting married.February 17, 2014 11:32 pm at 11:32 pm #1017095
“Married is a good way to live a life
heretohelp: Depends on who you ask.”
Hashem and his Torah? Good enough source for me.February 17, 2014 11:39 pm at 11:39 pm #1017096yytzParticipant
For a compelling answer to the OP’s question, and a very effective shalom bayis guide, see Garden of Peace by R’ Shalom Arush (there are different versions for men and women.) For men at least, it is a must-read, because most people have misconceptions, or points of ignorance, regarding shalom bayis (including regarding the ultimate purpose of marriage) that cause problems in this area.February 18, 2014 12:59 am at 12:59 am #1017097
JF02 – And if ones doesn’t want to get married at all and will never be ready for it? My point is, and my real question: obviously marriage isn’t done because it’s commanded, so what is the real reason? What is the point of marriage?
heretohelp – Hashem and his Torah? Good enough source for me.
Care to give a direct clear source?
yytz – Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll definitely look in to it.February 18, 2014 2:19 am at 2:19 am #1017098Yiddishe TaamMember
Married life is amazing! the best way to find out is watch and learn from happily married couples. HKB”H created the world in such a perfect way and marriage allows you to connect and build a life along with someone you love very much.February 18, 2014 2:57 am at 2:57 am #1017099yitzy smith1Member
I don’t understand how this seemingly YESHIVA world news can post such inappropriate blogs. Hashem yishmor!February 18, 2014 3:14 am at 3:14 am #1017100TheGoqParticipant
Whats inappropriate?February 18, 2014 3:29 am at 3:29 am #1017101
Yeah, what’s inappropriate? Questions are not inappropriate.February 18, 2014 5:02 am at 5:02 am #1017102
What’s inappropriate is the education which left the OP needing to resort to this forum for answers to this question.February 18, 2014 9:05 am at 9:05 am #1017103sm29Participant
I heard in a lecture by R’ Orlofsky that the purpose is to build a dwelling place for Hashem. The couple makes their home holy like a miny mishkan. And they raise the generation to do so tooFebruary 18, 2014 12:53 pm at 12:53 pm #1017104ED IT ORParticipant
Im gonna call TrollFebruary 18, 2014 1:09 pm at 1:09 pm #1017105Shopping613 🌠Participant
What do you mean? Perhaps she is embarrassed to asked married people she knows, or is trying to get an array of different answers seeing as we are all very different here.
I think people’s emotional needs need to be met to serve HaShem, but in some cases that is not possible and one must turn to HaShem for his/her needs for help.
This is a very deep answer and I suggest you ask a teacher in your school.
editedFebruary 18, 2014 1:15 pm at 1:15 pm #1017106TheGoqParticipant
not a troll at all i agree with logician that a lot of questions wont be asked simply because the person asking will be mocked that is very sad, questions like these need to be answered and teenagers should have a way to ask their questions without fear.February 18, 2014 1:19 pm at 1:19 pm #1017107
Crazybrit, I can only guess that you don’t understand the question.February 18, 2014 2:05 pm at 2:05 pm #1017108
I’m not assuming that if these questions were directed to her parents/teachers/whatever they would not respond accordingly.
The question is why we tell young people to date and get engaged, and only then wake up to start explaining what its all about. Which leaves us with the common, sad reality of the wrong criteria and understanding going into the method of dating and choosing..February 18, 2014 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #1017109
Woah!! I did not mean for this thread to turn out this way…and no, not trolling either.
The reason I asked is because I sincerely don’t understand why I’m getting so much pressure from my parents to just get married already. If the point of marriage is to just get married I would understand the pressure, but according to many posters here, this is not the case. So I’m still confused.
As some posters mentioned, this is not something discussed in school, or even in the seminary classes I attended once in a blue moon. Honestly, I don’t know who to discuss this with…February 18, 2014 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #1017110
I hope the question is philosophical. Most of the world marries without having in mind any Mitzva. As for your Kavana, just as in anything we do, we should do it Leshem Shamayim. When we eat, we should have in mind the perspective that we are fulfilling Hashem’s plan and will.
As we see in the Torah, and as is self evident, we were created with this design, that we marry and are part of families. Some animals do it this way and some don’t. We were meant to do be this way. When it is lacking, the effects are visible.
Just like you can philosiphize about why we cry, why crying needs tears, why we laugh, why we vomit when we see something wrong (but only a certain type of wrong — as opposed to another type of wrong that makes us laugh), why we sleep, what is a wink, how do you remember, and so on; you can ponder the essense of family, too. You can come up with 25 reasons and the more philosophical the reason the less you’ll like it. However, this shouldn’t have anything to do with your real life decisions.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking questions like this. Nor do I think it reflects on bad Chinuch. Cheap answers reflect on a bigger problem than asking a normal question. Daas Yochid’s answer, in my opinion, hit the needle on the head about the point he addressed.February 18, 2014 3:57 pm at 3:57 pm #1017111Bless YouParticipant
Of course, from a non religious standpoint, the purpose of marriage is to create a loving environment in which individuals can love and care for each other. According to this approach, marriage is more of a tool to create a commitment from both spouses and is not necessarily integral to the goal of creating a loving and caring environment. Of course, the non religious approach has little meaning (as your question implied) and is also risky as breakups and divorces are much more common.February 18, 2014 3:59 pm at 3:59 pm #1017112ED IT ORParticipant
Not A Troll, than I appologiSe!
I just supposed that most people have whom to speak to about their needs, wants and commitments.
Hatzlocho ☺February 18, 2014 4:05 pm at 4:05 pm #1017113
Why is there pressure to get married sooner rather than later is a different question from why get married at all.
If you accept the premise that you should get married at some point, the pressure to do it now probably comes from the sometimes correct and other times mistaken that doing it earlier will result in a better marriage. That’s sometimes correct, as I think it is easier for younger people less set in their ways to fuse together and build a household together. If one of both is not ready though, it is a recipie for disaster.
So to answer the question why is there so much pressure from your parents to get married, it is because that is what parents do, have always done and will always do.February 18, 2014 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #1017114
While someone is young with many single friends they are at the climax of fun-life. At this point they cannot fathom why to move on. Is pays to move on before figuring it out, though.
No, it is not the next step toward free fun, as going from high school to out-of-school was. It is the next stage in life. It is like going from playing all day to going to school. You are afraid to move ahead but you don’t want to go back.February 18, 2014 4:26 pm at 4:26 pm #1017115TheTrollMember
i would understand it as a fear of the unknown, once you stop and realise that its just the unknown you are scared of you can plunge into whatever course your life takes you including of course taking into account your parents and mentors advice (and your good gut feelings!)February 18, 2014 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #1017116
Haleivi – It is sort of a philosophical question, but sort of applicable to my life now..And no, it’s not fear of the unknown as much as its the fact that I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to commit myself to a long term relationship.
heretohelp – It’s really not that different of a question. If the pressure is coming from the spiritual viewpoint that one must get married I would understand. But that’s not what it is, and not what marriage is solely about.February 18, 2014 6:57 pm at 6:57 pm #1017117observanteenMember
streek, I’m hearing the question I asked just a few short years ago. (I am bh now happily married with a beautiful baby)
A – Marriage, in all honesty, does not make sense. Why would anyone want to commit themselves like that? Why would anyone want to be tied down to a spouse and family? Work for them, cook for them, care for them, bathe… it’s endless. Well, firstly, Hashem created us human beings to WANT to get married. But what if you don’t want to, like you said? I didn’t either want to get married at a certain point. But then I suddenly did. Why? Human nature, my friend. But if you want to go from a philosophical point of view, then here goes:
B – We are not meant to lead a selfish life. When one marries, it is an excellent opportunity to work on one’s middos. Middos you thought just didn’t bother anyone, is suddenly far from ok. And that is why were here. So marriage does bring you closer to your goal. Also, it says in the Torah that one should be fruitful and have kids, meaning we should build the coming generations.
In a nutshell: the reason we marry, from a Torah perspective, is to better ourselves and build our nation (Ofc, those who can’t marry or have kids have diff cheshbonos which I dont know of)
Sorry, I don’t have the time to get deeper into this, but I hope this answered at least some of your qs.
Good luck!February 18, 2014 7:04 pm at 7:04 pm #1017118popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Your neighbor’s wife won’t feel competitive to bake you better cookies if you don’t have a wife.
That seems like reason enough to me.
Cool, observanteen posted. Didn’t know he still read YWN.February 18, 2014 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #1017119000646Participant
People are social creatures. Besides for the obvious physical needs that are fulfilled by a Marriage there is something about living with, being loved by, and loving a loyal companion of the opposite gender AND being secure in it, that fills a necessary emotional and psychological need; and that’s all besides the fact that is a Mitzva.
If the only reason someone feels fulfilled in a Marriage is because it is a Mitzvah or because they are serving Hashem by being married (both of which happen to be true) that is indicative of some pretty deep issues-it shouldn’t be even remotely that way.
That being said if you really feel your aren’t ready you probably shouldn’t do it. One thing you should take into consideration is that there are solutions you can find that many Rabbonim will allow like birth control etc. that will lessen the radical changes in your life that take place after marriage.
I personally found marriage to be a less radical change then I thought it would be, and that’s despite my having to go to work right after straight from Yeshiva but that could just be due to my wife’s and my personalities and may not be indicative of the “marriage experience” in generalFebruary 18, 2014 7:57 pm at 7:57 pm #1017120
observanteen – Thank you so much for your post! Finally, someone that understands me! I sometimes feel like I’m the only one that doesn’t want to compete in the “let’s find my zivug” race. If this is human nature as you said, I guess I’ll just have to wait for this phase to pass. It’s not that I want to be a bachelorette, but I’m just not ready yet. Not ready to live with a different person, not ready to bring children in to this non-kid friendly world, and not ready to give up my sanity.February 18, 2014 8:56 pm at 8:56 pm #1017121popa_bar_abbaParticipant
So wait until you want to.
Tou probably will just frustrate yourself if you date when in the back of your mind you don’t even want to get married.
Besides, will you tell that to guys you are dating? You’d better! You’d be rightfully mad if they withheld that from you.February 18, 2014 9:54 pm at 9:54 pm #1017122wallflowerParticipant
Finding one’s zivug is not a race. If you’re not ready, don’t do it.February 18, 2014 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #1017123
Tou probably will just frustrate yourself if you date when in the back of your mind you don’t even want to get married.
You’re telling me?! I realized that a bit late in a relationship that thank God is now over.
Besides, will you tell that to guys you are dating? You’d better! You’d be rightfully mad if they withheld that from you.
Thanks for the heads-up. I didn’t know men have feelings too…February 19, 2014 1:39 am at 1:39 am #1017124Yiddishe TaamMember
Please try to find yourself before dating that’s crucial for yourself and you’re wasting a guys time.
Parents might pressure you, but I can’t imagine your parents pressuring you into marriage which is a life commitment!
Marriage is wonderful and Iy”H you should build a BNB with your lucky chosson when youre ready!February 19, 2014 3:34 am at 3:34 am #1017125
00646-thanks. Your post really put things in to perspective.
Yiddish taam – my parents are just pressuring me to go out with every jo shmo. Marriage is something I have to come to on my own, and I think my parents know that, but till then. Hearty amen to your Bracha!! Thank you 🙂February 19, 2014 3:43 am at 3:43 am #1017126
Wow. So the issue really is pressure to date indiscriminately, understood as an overly strong emphasis on marrying right away. Not a question why marriage is important. OhhhhK.February 19, 2014 6:36 am at 6:36 am #1017127👑RebYidd23Participant
The point of marriage is to be married.February 19, 2014 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #1017128
Logician – Not really. When I asked my parents why the pressure their answer was because it’s a mitzva to get married. I didn’t really understand that, hence my question. I’m just trying to understand my parents views, but I’m not getting anywhere.February 19, 2014 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #1017129
They are telling you it is because it’s a Mitzva because they hear you arguing with them and they want to give you an authoritative reply that would be the last word. It’s another way of saying, because I said so. They obviously feel that it is time to get married. Marriage is as much a part and stage in life as school is at that age. Sure it’s more comfortable to stay put, but the clock doesn’t.February 19, 2014 5:13 pm at 5:13 pm #1017130
Streetgeek- I don’t really understand what you don’t understand. Do you not understand that marriage is a mitzvah? Or do you not understand why it is a mitzvah?February 19, 2014 5:49 pm at 5:49 pm #1017131
heretohelp: I understand it’s a mitzva, but what I don’t understand is how much to put on the line to fulfill this mitza. Aren’t emotional needs more important?February 19, 2014 6:19 pm at 6:19 pm #1017132Sam2Participant
If the only reason you are getting married is because it’s a Mitzvah, then you probably shouldn’t be getting married. And if you are, the person you are marrying has to at least know that’s the reason and accept it.February 19, 2014 7:38 pm at 7:38 pm #1017133
Oh dear! I think I’d better find someone in real life who knows me who I can discuss this with. The question now is who…February 19, 2014 7:47 pm at 7:47 pm #1017134
And I really appreciate everyone who took the time to try to help me out. I’m sincerely grateful to everyone for their (on the most part) valuable input.February 20, 2014 4:13 am at 4:13 am #1017135scroller2Member
????? ?? ????? ?? ??? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ??? ?????:
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.