- This topic has 74 replies, 34 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 11 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
Basically, he claims that fathers and husbands must get more involved in the Tznius of their daughters and wives. He feels that men must be more knowledgeable in the halachos and more tuned into the standards of dress in their homes in order for us to see an improvement in this area.
Anyone here read it?
What he is saying (based on your above summation) is pretty obvious. There isn’t much to comment.
Which Rabbi Kelman wrote the article?
Didn’t see the article, but based on what you write, as a husband and father, I think it is obvious that this be the case, but sadly, I see it is often not the case.
That could exacerbate the problem. Women take their ways of dress very personally. I would find it intrusive if father/husband had serious input. There are other more productive ways to try and up tsnius levels.
“Women take their ways of dress very personally.”
Perfectly normal. Also perfectly normal for a father to ensure his family adheres to halacha. In fact, it is what halacha demands.
IMHO, women dress for other women. They are trying to impress their friends/teachers/shadchanim/future MIL & family. Shouldn’t rebbetzins/morahs(/mothers) be setting the example?
The only men who should be paying attention anyhow are those on a date, and (dare I say?) as long as she’s not a complete slob, he should be paying more attention to her middos anyhow.
By the time a father has sons in shidduchim, he/the boy’s rabbeim (I’m sure have been)/should have been modeling good middos for years, or at least much sooner than two weeks before he comes out of the freezer. I could be in the minority, but I think it’s less important for my son to know how to schect a cow (unless he wants to be a shochet) than for him to know how not to eat like one.
I did read the article (by Rabbi Leib Kellman). And it is a point that I have heard many years ago. The men have no clue what is and isn’t allowable and therefore women do as they wish. The women have been taught better, but when their husbands say “nice skirt” without realizing how many problems there are with it, then she will wear it. If the men know, they will be able to speak up with confidence. And if the women know that their husbands know they won’t be able to whitewash that which is wrong.
As to the girls – teenage girls can be really sensitive. If a mother is inclined to “let this one go” on a questionable garment, but her husband tells her not to – then she won’t and will be stronger with herself and her daughter.
The emphasis today on looks which starts with shidduchim (which starts at about bas mitzvah age!!) exacerbates this problem. Blazers aren’t “stylish” so why would a girl want to wear one when a fitted sweater is more “in” and makes her look “nicer.” The spirit of the law gets completely lost in all this, and it isn’t far until actual halacha is breached.
As to the other areas that were mentioned – such as hilchos shabbos and kashrus, I think most men are at least as aware as the average BY graduate. The difference there, is that girls are taught to know to ask, not necessarily what the halacha is in every situation. Boys are taught more halacha l’maaseh and don’t realize how many holes there are in what they have been taught. (And article like the one in the previous week’s Ami don’t help!)
Like apushatayid said, a man is halachicly obligated to insure that his wife and daughters never wear non-tznius clothing.
What is the answer for cases where finances are very difficult? a few years ago when I was unemployed for 2 years I noted that my wife was wearing very tight skirts and dresses not for fashion but it was still fitting.
I see this quite often in very Chareidish gatherings some ultra tight clothings. But if the finances don’t allow for new what are they supposed to do?
Like apushatayid said, a man is halachicly obligated to insure that his wife and daughters never wear non-tznius clothing.
Never???
The Wolf
Non-kosher food is also cheaper than kosher food.
WM: In public (or even at home if their are guests around.)
adams- if it comes there, there are gemachs for 1-alternations, 2-clothes in new or gr8 condition, 3- $ for new tznius clothes. b’ezras Hashem it never should again!
How can someone read the article if Mispacha was banned
How can someone read the article if Mispacha was banned
The only people who know it was banned are the ones with internet, which was also banned. 🙂
i agree with treble. women/girls take it very personally.
I have to agree with treble clef. I don’t think it’s a fathers place to tell his daughter whats tznius. A husband maybe, but not a father. It would only make the problem worse. I know, when my father used to tell me that something was too tight/too short, it made me upset. It’s the mothers responsibility.
A man is halachicly obligated to insure his wife and daughters are always tznius.
sorry, i didn’t see the article. is this R’ Leib Kellmen from Prospect Park High School in Brooklyn, or R’ Leib Kelemen (To Kindle a Soul, etc) from Yerushalayim?
Horses Mouth, Can you show me a source for that?
I think when a girl reaches a certain age it’s not a good idea for the father to tell her how to dress because it would make the girl feel very uncomfortable, she might feel that she lost her father’s respect, and that may cause her to lose respect in herself, therefore her clothes become less respectful as well. I think the best way to get a girl to dress appropriate is by leading by example. Mothers, aunts, teachers, and all the other women that the girls respect need to show their girls how one can look good while being dressed appropriately. And if a girl is dressed in an immodest manner she should be told in the most respectful way how she should dress. Not by saying, “how can a Yiddishe maidel dress this way” or “your family should be ashamed of you”. Rather, show her how beautiful being modest can be.
I agree with Cinderella.
Fathers should be involved without becoming nags. If the standard for tznius in the household is set by both parents together, it is the same as any other issue of chinuch: the united front always works best.
I think it’s not so good for a father to tell his daughter how to dress because he has no idea what tznius is. Well, ok, he may know the actual halachos, but it takes being a woman to really get it. It would be like me telling my father how to learn.
Tznius is a halachic issue, and a father knows halacha the foremost in the family, including moreso than the mother. He also bears responsibility that his family complies with halacha.
I don’t believe the article states a father or husband should offer style advice, rather they should step in when necessary if the style violates the halachic standards of the household.
You might not tell your husband HOW to learn, but if you saw him studying something questionable, say the early writings of the church elders, you wouldn’t say anything?
I’m not going to argue here, but not all men know all the halachos very well. Since tznius is a woman’s mitzvah, I believe a girl needs to be taught what’s appropriate and not have to constantly be told by her father, which can make her feel uncomfortable. Okay halacha dictates that the father needs to enforce the halacha, but imo, it would be best for him to tell his wife to tell the daughter. I personally don’t have a problem in this area, but I would not appreciate it if my father told me how to dress.
I’m just stating that if hes sees his wife or daughter violate a tznius halacha (or any halacha for that matter), he is obligated to correct them.
Horses Mouth and apy- Tznius is way more than a halachic issue. Most people know the halachos of tznius, they don’t need to be reminded of them. Cover your knees, your elbows, nothing tight… we all know that. A father telling his daughter halachos of tznius will not help in the slightest.
I’m with Queen Bee.
Does the article say anything about fathers constantly harping on tznius? I didn’t read it, but from the synopsis here and heard from others, it advocates no such thing.
If a guy sees his wife or daughter wearing a skirt above her knee or too tight, for example, he has a halachic obligation to tell them so they stop.
Again, Horses Mouth, do you have a source for that?
THM: A skirt above the knee for sure. Too tight I’m not sure about. It’s not an issue of Ervah, there might be no obligation to stop them.
It’s elementary that a father is responsible for the halachic adherence of his family. Among other things he has a an obligation for chinuch and tochacha.
Truthfully, the obligation of tochacha applies towards any Jew. Many moreso ones own family.
and what about a mother of a married women i had this debate with somebody that y the a womens mother wouldnt say anything to her married daughter who is dressing not tzisdik in the street and i was told once ur daughter is married u cant say anything cuz ur over stepping boundries i disagree if a husband wont say a mother or father then thats y people are walking around like they do
I appreciate that there are those among you who feel that the fathers/husbands should be the ones to set the ground rules in the home regarding tznius, as for most other halachically based issues. Sadly, however, men across the orthodox/yehsivish/ chasidish spectrum do not really know what is appropriate for women and girls to wear; they just don’t understand the nuances of a little too tight, too revealing, too suggestive, etc. Women, however, do know the difference, but unfortunately even among those who are very sensitive, the more you see of a mode a dress, the more acceptable it becomes. It is the responsibility of mothers, who are the ones who take their children shopping or buy their clothing, to take care not to dress their daughters even at a very young age, in anything that they would consider inappropriate as a teenager. This does not include things like pants and short sleeves, because these are things that girls naturally stop wearing because they know that a frum girl does not wear these things. (I am referring to your mainstream girl, not someone rebellious.) I am referring to styles that are cut inappropriately, fit inappropriately, are styled in a way that a frum woman should not dress, even if all of the correct body parts are completely covered. Dresses or skirts that just hit the knee and are straight cut, or pencil skirts, cannot possibly be long enough when sitting. Too tight lace tops with nude colored shells underneath are obviously suggestive of wearing nothing at all underneath. Only mothers, older sisters, or other female role models understand these things and can lovingly guide their charges into wanting to dress appropriately. Strict “no”s are not necessarily the way to go in this day and age. Rather, having the girl/teen assess the article of clothing as she tries it on and coming to the conclusion herself may be much more effective. As a first time poster, I am sure there will be those of you who will have many strong comments in favor and against; so be it. I will not be responding to posts regarding my comments, not because I am copping out, but because I don’t think I have anything more to say. Gut voch to you all!
Someone is only supposed to give tochacha if it will help. I don’t think this is the case in this case.
In which case? Most frum people will stop doing an aveira if told they are sinning.
The Horses Mouth
“Most frum people will stop doing an aveira if told they are sinning.”
Oh if only that were true! If only!
Try going over to people who are talking in shul during Chazaras Hashatz, Kaddish, krias Hatorah and tell them that it is assur to talk. See where it will get you.
Most things people do wrong they know it is wrong but do it anyways because they have a yetzer hora and others are doing it too. We tend to rationalize especially when we are part of a group. Nobody wants to be a frummie and sadly for many keeping basic Halacha like strict Tznius or not talking during Davening, watching movies…makes one a “frummie.”
Horses Mouth- WIY is right but I was talking about the case where a father gives his daughter mussar about tznius. It should not be coming from him. It will be ineffective and even harmful.
cinderella: It depends on his relationship with his children. Generally in a warm, close household a father bears a more authoritative role, and balanced with a genuine warm approach, can prevail more. Again, part of the mitzvah of Tochacha is the way it’s given.
Thank you, Zeeskeit! It is not just a father’s role to “give tochacha”; it is to be mechaneich and that relationship starts when the children are infants.
It is very true that if the only communication a father has with a daughter is one of giving tochacha, it won’t help very much to start in on tznius issues. While certain topics are less comfortable than others for fathers to address, there are many ways for fathers to express their opinions as well as to be the backbone for halacha for the entire family.
Cinderella, re: father/daughter, there is a mitzvah of chinuch. Regarding a wife, there is no chinuch, and quite frankly there isn’t much a husband can do if a wife refuses to listen (I think rav moshe z’l has a teshuva to someone whose wife wouldn’t cover her hair – he paskens, if I’m not mistaken, he is not obligated to divorce her – I believe that was specific question), but he is certainly obligated not to go along. What I suspect Rabbi Kelman was adressing was, silence is tacit approval, and they should not be silent, at the very least.
Chinuch is not Tochacha. If it is, then the parents need a parenting class. Chinuch comes from both parents and a unified message must come from both parents (as well as all other partners in chinuch, yeshiva, school, shul rav etc). If father demands his daughter dress according to most stringent opinions and her mother does not, forget it.
I better read the article before I put words in the mouth of Rabbi Kelman, but I suspect he laments that fathers and husband are absent altogether, meaning no direction at all comes from the home in this matter, making the schools out to be the crazy machmirim and the home practically a free for all.
Would anyone disagree with the thrust of the message if we substitute kashrus for tznius as the subject for his article?
The Horse’s Mouth
AKA The Joe:
If the mother is the breadwinner, she runs the home. Then she gets to do what she wants, not the husband.
Soo, if people on the street aren’t supposed to tell girls they see dressed inappropriately that they are doing something very wrong, and you are saying their fathers and husbands also shouldn’t be telling them that, then WHO exactly should tell adult girls and women that are dressed non tznius that they are dressed inappropriately???? (Especially when it’s the wife with the tznius problem…..)
WHO exactly should tell adult girls and women that are dressed non tznius that they are dressed inappropriately????
Someone who can do so B’Nachas, without making the person upset or looking down on them. Just like any other tochacha.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.