June 3, 2011 5:23 am at 5:23 am #597250JUST.MEMember
Hi, I have been researching this for a while now and I am turning to the CR for help.
This is directed more towards the female teenagers and young adults, but anyone and everyone is welcome to comment.
If you had a question or were pondering certain issues who would you feel more comfortable turning to? A rabbi or male instructor or perhaps a rebbetzin or female instructor?
Please explain your answer and reasoning as why one over the other.
Thank youJune 3, 2011 5:29 am at 5:29 am #779603aries2756Participant
Wouldn’t it depend on what the issues were?June 3, 2011 5:31 am at 5:31 am #779604☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Might it not depend on what the issues were?June 3, 2011 5:34 am at 5:34 am #779605
If it is a halachic issue, most certainly a rov/posek.June 3, 2011 5:45 am at 5:45 am #779606am yisrael chaiParticipant
It would clearly depend on what the issue was.
If you can briefly describe the issue, you may get clearer answers.June 3, 2011 5:51 am at 5:51 am #779607Mother in IsraelMember
I think it depends on what the issue is.June 3, 2011 6:01 am at 6:01 am #779608jewish unityParticipant
I’m a guy so I can only tell you from my perspective. First of all, I think it’s vital to find that person in your life who you feel comfortable talking to about anything. The longer you keep those questions/issues inside you, the harder they get to deal with. I actually happened to be talking to a girl (cousin) about this recently, and I think for most people you will natuarally be more comfortable talking in a serious manner to a mentor of your own gender. You might be more willing to open up to the opp. gender, but it’s difficult to do this without having any ulterior intentions.June 3, 2011 6:09 am at 6:09 am #779609kapustaParticipant
Depends for what. Something Hashkafa related I would probably do it anonymously on asktherabbi or a similar site unless it happened to come up in conversation. For more personal things (like dating) a female mentor. I know many single girls have a rav they discuss things with but for something personal IMO its just funny to have a “relationship” with a rav.June 3, 2011 12:15 pm at 12:15 pm #779610ShrekMember
both rabbanim and rebbetzins can give good advice. The question is, who will best understand both the issue you are dealing with, and what is best for YOU.
Hatzlocha.June 3, 2011 2:44 pm at 2:44 pm #779611aries2756Participant
Some of the girls I mentored in the past went to a younger rav’s shiurim and they loved it. They got very close to this Rav. Before you knew it he had given them his cell phone and they were texting back and forth. When I found this out i was very disturbed by it. I told them that they were invading his private time with his wife and it was totally inappropriate. The girls claimed that he said they could text him any time and ask him anything. I told him that he was very young and did not understand the guidelines that an older and more experienced Rav would understand and that he was putting his Shalom Bayis at risk. After a few weeks they said they actually met his wife and she didn’t seem to be too friendly. I told them they must immediately cut themselves off from this Rav and find themselves another older Rav which they did.
It is NOT always appropriate to speak to or confide in the opposite gender even though they are “titled” Rav. Many younger Rabbonim get involved in kiruv and in the At-Risk issue but don’t know how to lay down boundaries. This can be a problem as you can see. Although it is totally innocent it is still totally inappropriate.June 3, 2011 2:50 pm at 2:50 pm #779612YW Moderator-80Member
i think aries warning is very true
and very importantJune 3, 2011 2:53 pm at 2:53 pm #779613adorableParticipant
aries- your point is great. thank you.
I personally always feel more comfy talking to the rav/ guy mentor as I think they are more logical and less emotional. they wont get carried away with my emotions and the fact that I can be a drama queen makes it worse not easier. I have found that the women that I went to usually let me rule them over and its not good for me.June 3, 2011 3:43 pm at 3:43 pm #779614
Women should have their father or husband ask their shailos for them.June 3, 2011 3:54 pm at 3:54 pm #779615apushatayidParticipant
Meet the Rav and Rebbetzin together, and discuss.June 5, 2011 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #779616JUST.MEMember
Adorable, over the time that I have been researching, I have been getting that it is easier to speak to a guy mentor easier for the reason you have mentioned. Aries, I agree with you totally that there has to be guidelines as to the boundries.
Apushatayid, it is much easier said then done since it is hard enough to open up to one person, than to open up to both.
Pac-man, if a young woman has a hashkafa issue or even a boys-girls issue, i doubt she will bring it up to her father to ask, she would want someone that she can confide in, therefore sending someone to ask is not really the answer.
My initial question was, in the case that she has some personal issues that she needs comone to talk to in confidence, who would that be? who would they be more comfotable to confide in?June 5, 2011 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #779618goldenkintMember
definitely avoid cross gender discussions , mentoring, guidance. keep that for purehalachic queries. better safe than sorryJune 5, 2011 11:21 pm at 11:21 pm #779619Smile E. FaceMember
for personal issues a female, but if it was something hashkafic, it would depend on teh issue-i do email one of the rabbis who taught me every now and then with hashkafic questions, as well as doing it anonymously on different sites. :0)June 5, 2011 11:53 pm at 11:53 pm #779620
Smile: Which sites do anon shailos?June 22, 2011 7:50 pm at 7:50 pm #779621adorableParticipant
just to prove my point again- I have been talking to someone recently for a little while to get some guidance on somethings that were bothering me. Ppl told me that I should go to her as she is great. i went and just felt like she messed things up for me even more. AND SHE IS THE ONE THAT EVERYONE SUGGESTS!Just one shiur by rabbi wallerstein and I’m all “straight” again.June 22, 2011 11:29 pm at 11:29 pm #779622Smile E. FaceMember
Pac-Man-sorry didn’t see your post. I’d answer you, but people on here know me, and if they knew the other sites i go on for hashkafa, they might figure out my sn, and then i wouldn’t be anonymous… :0)June 23, 2011 12:09 am at 12:09 am #779623UnderstandMember
For a personal issue, a female should go to a female. Either a Rebbitzen or an older female she feels comfortable talking to. Good Luck.June 23, 2011 1:35 am at 1:35 am #779624oomisParticipant
Halacha – a Rov and only a Rov
If the matter is of a sensitive nature, I don’t think for one minute that the fact that a woman is married to a Rov necessarily endows her with special powers that make her a logical choice to turn to. I would seek out a woman whose judgment I respect, or a professional who deals with such issues.
I am more comfortable speaking with women, so I would probably talk to a ftum female Social Worker or the like. That does not mean that the rebbetzin would NOT have good advice, but being a rebbetzin is no guarantee that she knows what she is talking about. I am also not sure I would want a local rebbetzin knowing my personal business.June 23, 2011 4:09 am at 4:09 am #779625StuffedCabbageParticipant
a smart friendJune 23, 2011 12:23 pm at 12:23 pm #779626happiestMember
I’ve spoken to numerous people. In hs I was very close with a teacher of mine. 2 or 3 years ago a Rabbi who is just a great person and knows a lot about life. He got very busy which made it hard for me to contact him. Recently, I spoke to a local Rav that many people recommended that I speak to. He is very down to earth (like wasn’t surprised by what I told him even though they were intense things) and did not make me uncomfortable. I am so thankful to all the people who have and still help me make the right choices in my life!June 23, 2011 4:12 pm at 4:12 pm #779627apushatayidParticipant
Joseph. Of course.
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