Why Is It So Hard?

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  • #1676659

    daascochmabinah
    Participant

    When I was in my senior year in high school, I couldn’t understand why girls were starting to get nervous about shidduchim/getting married. After all, we were a bunch of 17/18 year old girls with our entire lives ahead of us. Some would go to seminary, some would be attending college, and some would begin their dating soon-to-be married lives. Now I am 21 turning 22, and while I realize that I am still young, I want to understand why it is so hard to find the one. I’m smart, attractive, funny and college educated. I come from a MoDox background with a Yeshivish influence. This means, I could technicality have my pick in terms of how I want to approach dating, shidduchim, meeting someone on my own etc. Many people question why I am still single- making up some of the most hurtful & ridiculous rumors. If one of the main events in life is marriage- why is dating so hard? and why is it so difficult to actually find someone to seal the deal with?

    #1676799

    avocado
    Participant

    daas- firstly, I got married when I was 22, almost 23. So there’s hope 🙂
    Also, I couldn’t help but notice your post on the thread about pictures and shidduchim- you might be passing up your bashert that way. Boys are VERY DIFFERENT in real life. Trust me! I know this from my own experience.
    A boy that you would find very attractive in real life might not be photogenic.
    If you hear good things about the boy, just go out. Don’t ask for a picture.
    That being said, I agree that shidduchim is very hard for single girls in today’s gen. I know lots of nice girls who are 23, 24, 25 and older. It has nothing to do with you personally! It’s the curse of today’s generation and Hashem is the only One Who decides when each person gets married.
    Just keep davening to Him and iy’h you should find the right one in the right time.
    I hope to hear good news from you soon.

    #1676804

    Joseph
    Participant

    How often do you say no to the boys?

    #1801967

    Burnt Steak
    Participant

    Statistically its actually pretty incredible that humans find the correct spouse in their lifetime. If there are 7 billion people in the world, there are an extraordinarily high amount of combinations you could make to pair couples so that each match with the best partner. It could be a fun exercise for anyone who wants to do the math. Bonus points for making the process economically efficient (possibly using a system similar to the doctor/ rotation matching process).

    Hopefully you found someone by now, but either way relax. Its not an easy process and you got to focus on yourself and don’t listen to the haters.

    #1801968

    lakewhut
    Participant

    Its harder for guys who aren’t planning on learning in kollel

    #1801990

    motchah11
    Participant

    Human nature being what it is, is it surprising it’s so difficult to match two people? The Ribbono Shel Oilam sits and is mizaveg zivugim all day. People keep changing, and theor matches keep changing.

    #1802831

    How often do you say no to the boys?

    That seems personal and uncalled for.

    #1802830

    Statistically, it’s actually pretty incredible that humans find the correct spouse in their lifetime.

    What is this “correct spouse” you speak of? 🙂

    #1803294

    sm29
    Participant

    While it’s difficult, finding the one Is worth the wait. I got married in my thirties. There’s always hope

    #1803296

    Shopping613 🌠
    Participant

    We don’t understand Hashem. I know it’s hard. I’m around the same age and I’m single too.
    (Don’t worry ya’ll you will all know when i get engaged).

    I agree that saying no based on pictures is NOT a good idea. People look different in real life; in addition girls can build attraction through emotional connection. No one I know who got married came back from a 1st or 2nd date saying “Omg he’s so hot! He’s so attractive!”. Obviously if someone is deformed, or looks like he may be mentally ill or a serial killer than I’d pass too. But you don’t need to be physically attracted to do a 1st date; or a 2nd one either. You need to not absolutely hate his looks and want to throw up by the thought of meeting him.

    I have no idea if you are being realistic as I haven’t seen you around here much. I’ve been off the site for quite a while.

    Also maybe you’re not ready. Maybe you’re bashert is 4 years younger than you and is still in high school.
    We don’t know!

    You are very young. I’m sorry there’s rumours going around. That sounds mean and tough to deal with. I hope you can find it within you to keep going, doing your hishtadlus, and davening.

    If you are still nervous perhaps go to a dating coach to talk over your concerns with her.

    #1803314

    akuperma
    Participant

    Humans were designed to want to have children. It is the first mitsva. Even according to secular science, “reproductive success” is the only success that matters. Over the few centuries two things have happened: 1) the age of puberty has fallen; 2) the economy evolved such that young people are forced to spend more time as children being educated before they can establish themselves. This is quite unnatural. Among the goyim all sorts of deviant behavior results. Among the Yidden, we mainly have a lot of whining. Unless we want to reintroduce famine and plagues (to result in delayed puberty), and somehow revert to a pre-industrial economy (as if anyone today could survive without antibiotics, indoor plumbing, reliable food supplies, the internet, etc.), we’ll just have to live with it. Baruch ha-Shem that at least at present, mothers rarely die in childbirth, children almost always survive to adulthood, so we have more time to have children in spite of a late start (and given that our schools are overcrowded, we seem to being doing well).

    #1803310

    MalachOfCholent
    Participant

    daascochmabina: your question could have been mine word for word. thank you for articulating it so well,
    i wish i had a real answer.

    #1803320

    Good articulations

    #1803396

    Joseph
    Participant

    Akuperma: Why do famine and plagues result in delayed puberty?

    #1803408

    I often wonder that.

    #1803538

    Milhouse
    Participant

    Joseph, how is it not obvious? If the body is not getting the nutrition it needs to grow properly, it won’t. That’s why in the middle ages people were unnaturally short, and now with proper nutrition they have shot up. And a child starved of calories and nutrients will not enter puberty for a long time.

    The same applies to illness. A body that is fighting illness cannot devote the resources necessary to develop normally. I know a pair of technically identical twins who look nothing like each other, because one went through a serious illness and basically skipped at least a year of growth, while the other was healthy and grew normally.

    #1803543

    Whatsaktome
    Participant

    I think having pictures is good, you cant get married to someone who you are not attracted to (ps I am a Male, i think attraction works differently by males than females)

    #1803562

    knaidlach
    Participant

    yes, it is hard.
    but we were taught to have Bitachon in Hashem that the right one will come in the right time. and in the meanwhile just do what needs to be done. talk to shadchanim; family members; friends, keep on going out, and of cores some Tehilim and Ttsedaka.
    bsuros tovos.

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