Would you continue?

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  • #596933

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    I had a most unpleasant experience today where I was verbally attacked. And the person did not apologize.

    Do I continue to meet in the social group or should I just stay away?

    #772360

    RABBAIM
    Participant

    Give Brachos to people. If you were attacked and had self control it is extraordinary and the Steipler said your Brachos would be fulfilled. Give one to self too!

    #772361

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Thanks, Rabbaim! I needed that.

    But would you continue or would you stay away because of 1 person?

    #772362

    i wouldn’t ruin a good thing because of only one person. i would keep on going and try to ignore that person. Hatzlacha Rabba!!!

    #772363

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    I appreciate your input, RavKT. It makes perfect sense.

    How do you not let it bother you, though?

    #772364

    kapusta
    Participant

    If having to face that person would be a cause for stress for you then its probably not worth it. If you can put it out of your head and not think about it then go back. (A lot depends on what was said/who said it/how it was said.)

    Was this a group for purpose or for socializing? (You used the word group which sounds like a group getting together to learn something etc -and shmoozing does have purpose)

    RABBAIM brought up a very good point, btw.

    *kapusta*

    #772365

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    I appreciate your words, Kapusta.

    To answer your question about the social group, it was here in the CR

    #772366

    hanib
    Participant

    am yisrael chai – i’m addressing you and others who have felt this way. if the cr is important for you and you generally like it, i think it’s silly to stay away from it because 1 or 2 people offended you. (and it’s not really fair to the rest of us who do enjoy yours and some of the others who have been insulted postings).

    i really think that no one hurts another person on purpose here. the problem with not seeing faces is that the other person can’t see that they’re hurting you. also, different people have different personalities. so, a manner of speaking that is fun for one person may be insulting for the other person. i think that the best, most healthiest approach (if something really bothers you) is to tell the person, so they and us will be careful of not speaking like that to you in the future.

    please don’t leave us. we really do enjoy your posts. and if there are other people who are reading (like “always here”) who are fearful of coming back, just come back. you don’t have to like all of us. just talk to those whom you do like. 🙂

    #772367

    kapusta
    Participant

    In that case I meant to say go back.

    I’m not sure what happened (I don’t read every thread and not always every post on the ones I do. And would I be correct in thinking that I wasn’t involved?) but while most people on here are very nice and helpful, there are a few who don’t always come off that way. From someone who sort of left and sort of came back, I’m siding with look away.

    *kapusta*

    #772368

    am yisrael chai-

    It would really be a shame to allow a single unpleasant incident, caused by one person, to chase you away from something you enjoy.

    The CR is a better place with posters like you.

    Besides, from a totally selfish perspective, I’d hate to see someone who enjoys riddles and puzzles leave ?

    Would you continue?

    Pretty much everyone here, including moi has been attacked, mocked and/or unjustly accused of something at some point.

    It isn’t fun, regardless of who you are and who’s “attacking”.

    Nonetheless, here’s my perspective on incidents like these:

    1) The person doesn’t know me, and their mistaken impression doesn’t change who I am.

    2) The person may have issues which I’m not aware of.

    3) The person may be a crank, who I won’t allow to affect what I do.

    4) Sometimes, if I feel there was a misunderstanding, I’ll try to explain myself in as dispassionate a way as possible. Other times, if I feel it won’t be helpful, or it will just further inflame the “attacker”, I’ll ignore it.

    In an online forum environment, the CR is by far the most mentchlich forum I’ve seen.

    Even so, not every person will be nice all the time.

    So be it – the good still outweighs the bad by a wide margin, and it’s worth sticking around.

    #772369

    I would continue.

    If you enjoy the CR (which obviously you do, or you wouldn’t consider continuing) then I wouldn’t let an unpleasant experience affect that.

    You always have something helpful or pleasant to add here, it would be shame if you left.

    #772370

    TheGoq
    Participant

    ayc please dont go, your voice is needed here i find your posts interesting and very funny

    #772371

    minyan gal
    Member

    AYC: Your posts are very interesting and certainly add to the “ambience” of the CR. As ICOT said “In an online forum environment, the CR is by far the most mentchlich forum I’ve seen.” I agree with him completely. In other forums, I have been attacked for being a Conservative Jew. I find that here in the CR most people are very respectful of others regardless of their similarities or differences. I have learned so much from participating in this forum and though I have never met any of you, I consider all of you to be my friends (and excellent teachers). Perhaps the verbal attack you suffered came from one of the very few people here who are only interested in their own views or from someone who just happened to be having a bad day. In any event, keep mingling with us. We would miss you and all the good things that you have to say.

    #772372

    adorable
    Participant

    who said she was talking about being insulted in the CR? what makes you all say that?

    #772373

    me too
    Member

    Is this ABUSE ???? http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/mr-mendlowitz#post-247620 ?????

    If it was it was not intended and I apologize

    #772374

    shlishi
    Member

    adorable: She wrote so above.

    One thing I should point out, and I have no idea what the case is here I speaking in general from what I’ve seen previously, sometimes Poster A makes a general comment saying something is very wrong, and then Poster B who often and happily engages in what Poster A opined is bad, takes personal offense even though Poster A made a general comment not directed at Poster B.

    #772375

    adorable
    Participant

    must have missed that thank you for clarifying. I went through the same thing at one point here where I felt hurt but I realized that ppl dont always mean to say things the way they come out especially when its only through a computer and we dont know what might tick one person

    #772376

    aries2756
    Participant

    AYC, I can only imagine that you are talking about a real-world situation and not here in cyber space. I certainly hope that you would not walk away due to one dig from one person.

    IMHO, when a hurt is fresh and new we are extra emotional about it and are thoughts and feelings are a bit overblown. WE will “never” speak to that person again, WE will never go out of our way for anyone again, WE will never step foot in that person’s home again, WE will never forgive …. That is why we are constantly reminded “never to say never”.

    I believe that you need a little time to get over the initial shock and pain of the affront and then understand your own worth and value. No YOU should not step away from the group. To do so would NOT be beneficial to anyone, it would be a blow to your self-esteem and self-confidence. We can manage to agree or disagree with others, and we can learn to take a hit now and then. But basically we need to learn to all play nice in the sandbox.

    If this person continues to attack you, IMHO you should confront it head on and simply ask “do you have a problem with me? I don’t appreciate your digs, they aren’t funny. So if you can’t be civil, lets just agree not to speak.” Whoever it is might be a sarcastic person by nature and no one ever called them on it. Then if you find yourself together with that person in a group. Try to feel as comfortable as you can. If you are addressed directly simply say “I don’t choose to debate this with you personally” and keep it as civilized as possible. Then either wait for someone else to speak or start speaking to someone else. But remember from YOUR part don’t invite discussion by commenting on what the other person is saying. Speak only about other people’s comments.

    How does that sound, is that something you can be comfortable with?

    #772378

    adorable
    Participant

    when i was insulted and hurt by a poster (which shall remain anonymous) I asked them what they had against me and we cleared it all up. it might have been in my mind the whole time but at least now i know he has nothing against me.

    #772379

    s2021
    Member

    Take a break and see how you feel after. That usually works for me (cept then when Im ok with the person after a break I never know If I forgave em or if I simply forgot about it..)

    #772380

    smartcookie
    Member

    AYC- I would definitely not allow one poster’s rude comments effect me. Most of us really try to be polite around here, and you shouldn’t leave because of one person.

    That said, please continue posting here. I am enjoying your posts immensly, specifically your sense of humor. No, I’m not trying to make you feel better! I’m really entertained by your humorous posts, and quite impressed with your serious ones.

    #772381

    me too
    Member
    #772382

    deiyezooger
    Member

    AYC, we are missing you in the sfiras haomer game. Please come back.

    #772383

    am yisrael chai-

    The consensus seems to be unanimous – come on back!

    #772384

    adorable
    Participant

    can you tell us who you are insulted by so we can ask you for forgiveness please? just come back already!

    #772385

    come back!

    Being insulted & disrespected is all ok, as long as you don’t go to your daughter’s graduation…that’s definitely not ok

    #772386

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Thanks to all you posters; I really appreciate your time and caring.

    I am back for now (I guess that is kind of obvious!)

    The “event” wasn’t a 1-time thing & I just didn’t want to be around that. I’m seeing that there were subsequent threads with a similar “atmosphere.” I think we Yidden should strive to be above that.

    What do you think?

    #772387

    oomis
    Participant

    OK, this is how I feel about life in the CR (and elsewhere). NOT EVERYBODY has to like us, agree with us, date us, hire us, even TALK to us. We will win some and lose some. Some people will have a dialogue with us, because they are genuinely interested in our point of view. Some will say, their opinion in the only valid one, so they prefer not to waste their time hearing yours.

    This is an anonymous forum, albeit one where we have developed a community of “friendship.” Though, to my knowledge, I have not met any of you IRL, I have come to know you (to a limited degree) through your posts, both in style and content. I think most of us enjoy that relationship, so we tend to forget there are real people with real feelings who still might feel hurt, even by anonymous posters. IMO, no one should leave a group because someone disagrees with them, or has a different hashkafa. But neither should we express our disagreement in insulting terms. I hope I have never done that.

    #772388

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    oomis- I 100% agree with you. Disagreeing is fine & human; I’m just stunned sometimes by the insulting that goes on.

    In my case, the actual post was removed because it was that offensive, so you’re not going to find it. And it wasn’t just the once.

    I have seen this similar style in other threads. This I don’t get. And please don’t tell me that other forums are worse; we need to keep our own standards, IMHO.

    #772389

    oomis
    Participant

    I am of the opinion that if you like a group a lot, do NOT leave because one person hurt your feelings. Coming back after such an insult shows class on your part. If the person coninues to be offensive, perhaps you can tell the person very politely,” Ihave always thought well of you – why would you say something mean-spirited like that?” That will usually stop them in their tracks.

    And it is correct – if someone embarrasses you b’rabbim and you remain silent, your next move is to give brachos to people, because Hashem is especially predisposed to hearing these brachos from someone like you in that moment.

    #772390

    smartcookie
    Member

    AYC- I just noticed you’re back and I sure am glad!

    #772391

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Thank you 🙂

    #772392

    haifagirl
    Participant

    If I was ever the one who offended you I apologize.

    #772393

    TheGoq
    Participant

    welcome back ayc thanks for giving us another chance

    #772394

    smartcookie
    Member

    Hey Haifa- welcome back to you! Haven’t seen you here in a while.

    #772395

    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Goq- thanks for ev, your posts are very touching.

    I reeeeeeeeeally liked your post on the Gog u’magog thread…so funny & punny!

    Thanks ev1 for the support

    no, Haifagirl, t’wasn’t u! Good to see you again.

    #772396

    me too
    Member
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