December 23, 2010 1:38 am at 1:38 am #593663Lakewood MomMember
What are the possible problems of going into a shidduch with a boy who’s parents are divorced?December 23, 2010 1:57 am at 1:57 am #721003NewUserNameMember
check out this question here..December 23, 2010 2:02 am at 2:02 am #721004
The practice of punishing people for things beyond their control continues to astound me.
The WolfDecember 23, 2010 2:15 am at 2:15 am #721005estherhamalkaMember
You really can’t generalize in this situation. It’s possible that a person from a divorced home will be so much more careful that they don’t fall into the same situation that they grew up in,with only one parent living at home. They could so much have been scarred that it would make them try their utmost to have a good,healthy marriage.
Then again,it’s also possible that they saw bad behaviors modeled in front of them by the parents,and even though divorce was very hard on the person,it is all he or she knows,so it’s possible for him/her to fall into the same situation.just because he or she doesn’t know any better.
I would say look into the person,ask around…are they stable,good natured,responsible,mentchlich? Then go ahead and try. You never know…also,it’s a plus if the person had some type of counseling at the time,to help him/her deal with the trauma of divorcing parents. This way it’s not buried under the carpet,so to speak. It’s all out there and dealt with.
Good luck!December 23, 2010 2:19 am at 2:19 am #721006☕️coffee addictParticipant
why don’t you try it out and ask him how it affects himDecember 23, 2010 2:25 am at 2:25 am #721007ulisisMember
1. Too much support.
2. More fights about where to go for Shabbos.
3. “Why does Heather have three Zaidies?”
4. Too many Chanukah presents (or gelt, if gifts are verboten).
5. An extra shvigger.December 23, 2010 2:43 am at 2:43 am #721008deiyezoogerMember
depends on the other side you gotta ask info first, maybe after all said and done both sides and including familys will match,never judge a book by its cover or better said by the problems of what the family is having or had.December 23, 2010 3:12 am at 3:12 am #721009New York YidMember
YesDecember 23, 2010 4:01 am at 4:01 am #721010mddMember
The problem is that some people unfairly passel whole groups of people with a wide brush. Judge each case on it’s one merits.December 23, 2010 4:04 am at 4:04 am #721011stamagoyMember
mods this question may have good intentions but prolly hurts ppls feelings in the cr cud be ppl in cr r divorcedDecember 23, 2010 4:05 am at 4:05 am #721012amichaiParticipant
you really have to check out each individual. there is no firm rule here.December 23, 2010 4:55 am at 4:55 am #721014bjjkidParticipant
how bout a girl from a divorced home?December 23, 2010 5:15 am at 5:15 am #721015chayav inish livisumayParticipant
Ulisis- number five is a great point one shvigger is enough u definately dont want two. Imagine that having two ppl annoying u nonstopDecember 23, 2010 5:38 am at 5:38 am #721016rtParticipant
why not? Avrohom avinu’s father was a gechtke macher & his shidduch turned out all rightDecember 23, 2010 5:56 am at 5:56 am #721017Trying my bestMember
rt, are you willing to marry (or marry you’re child to) someone who’se father is a gechtke macher?December 23, 2010 5:59 am at 5:59 am #721018popa_bar_abbaParticipant
TMB is right (although still not so right).
Besides, the problem is not that we suspect they are reshaim. What worries people is that they have not learned the dynamic of healthy marriage.
I personally think that today you may be better off not knowing what marriage is because chances are all you learned is bad anyway.December 23, 2010 6:14 am at 6:14 am #721019klachMember
the gemarra states one who is unmarried does not know happiness. . . one who is unmarried is but half a man, etc. Marriage is the central focus of ones life in many ways. I heard from my sister that Rav Peysach Krohn says to seminary girls that chofetz chaim guys make the best husbands because they have the best middos. Is that really true?December 23, 2010 6:15 am at 6:15 am #721020klachMember
the connection being that if you have good, solid middos, then you will be zocheh to a happy marriage etc, which today seems to unfortunately be increasingly rarer.December 23, 2010 1:59 pm at 1:59 pm #721022Lakewood MomMember
My problem is that the children of divorce that I know are always trying to make up for their lost childhood to the detriment of their children. And WOLF I am not blaming them but trying to do what is best for MY child>December 23, 2010 2:40 pm at 2:40 pm #721023eclipseMember
Lakewood Mom,please clarify “always trying to make up for their lost childhood to the detriment of their children”.December 23, 2010 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #721024
My problem is that the children of divorce that I know are always trying to make up for their lost childhood to the detriment of their children.
Then you know the wrong people.
I am the child of divorced parents. I am not trying to make up for my “lost childhood” (whatever the heck that means) and certainly not at the expense of my children.
And WOLF I am not blaming them but trying to do what is best for MY child>
By all means, do what’s right for your kids. If a divorce adversely affected a potential shidduch to the point where they are warped because of it, then by all means reject them. But don’t reject every kid of divorced parents out of hand before even meeting them. Not all of us are raving monsters you know.
The WolfDecember 23, 2010 3:11 pm at 3:11 pm #721025arcParticipant
are all divorcees from divorced homes? NoDecember 23, 2010 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #721026not IMember
Often divorces scar the children involved. As long as the children are stable people who have yiras shomayim and middos there would be no reason to say no!
What makes you think that you will get another shvigger.. and besides is it ok to have 2 shvers?December 23, 2010 3:23 pm at 3:23 pm #721027
and besides is it ok to have 2 shvers?
Eeees loves both my mother and my stepmother. She brags about the fact that she has two mothers-in-law that she loves.
The WolfDecember 23, 2010 3:28 pm at 3:28 pm #721028every name is takenMember
You do see that the child(ren)of divorced parents end up divorced. I know plenty of such cases. But it doesnt always happen like that. Each story is differant.December 23, 2010 3:33 pm at 3:33 pm #721029
You do see that the child(ren)of divorced parents end up divorced. I know plenty of such cases.
Yep. And I know plenty of cases where children of “intact” households end up divorced — and I know of plenty of cases where children of divorced parents have long-term stable marriages.
Again, if the potential shidduch is so warped because of his/her parents’ divorce, then that should certainly be a factor. But you should not assume, sight unseen, that such warping has occurred.
The WolfDecember 23, 2010 3:39 pm at 3:39 pm #721030popa_bar_abbaParticipant
3. “Why does Heather have three Zaidies?”
This is one of the funniest comments I have seen recently.December 23, 2010 3:48 pm at 3:48 pm #721031
3. “Why does Heather have three Zaidies?”
This is one of the funniest comments I have seen recently.
It may be funny, but my kids and my sister’s kids have three bubbies. (Or, more properly two bubbies and a Grandma).
The WolfDecember 23, 2010 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #721032says whoMember
There is no 1 answer to your question. Every divorce is a different case and of course it has a different effect on the children. The statistics that people stated here might still be true because the fact is that a divorce (unfortunately) many times does effect the children in a negative way, but of course there are those cases that only help the children become better people and learn from their parents mistakes. Please don’t dismiss a shidduch because the boy is from a divorced home, every case is different.December 23, 2010 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #721033eclipseMember
Think about it.
In my divorce,50% of “us” came from a divorced home,where not only did I NEVER hear my parents fight,they never put each other down afterwards either…The other 50% of “us” came from a whole,intact,non-broken home….and guess what?He’s divorced!December 23, 2010 4:25 pm at 4:25 pm #721034tbParticipant
Wolf, if you won’t go out with someone who is too tall, too short, too smart, not smart enough, not pretty, has red hair, too outgoing, too quiet, etc. are you also “punishing people for things beyond their control” ?December 24, 2010 1:08 am at 1:08 am #721035☕️coffee addictParticipant
eclipse I don’t get your comment.
Personally my parents are divorced, but i never saw them trying to work out their problems together. This teaches me that if I don’t want to end up like them then just do the oppisite, i would assume others whose parents are divorced feel the same way.December 24, 2010 3:19 am at 3:19 am #721036
Wolf, if you won’t go out with someone who is too tall, too short, too smart, not smart enough, not pretty, has red hair, too outgoing, too quiet, etc. are you also “punishing people for things beyond their control” ?
That’s not quite the same thing.
It’s one thing to refuse to date someone because of something that is a part of them (i.e. their personality, their middos and, yes, their physical attributes). It’s something else to refuse someone out of hand for something that their parents did.
And, yes, if a person’s parents’ divorce overly affects him, then yes, that’s grounds to say “no.” But you can’t know that until you at least meet him/her. To just give a blanket “no, I will never date someone with divorced parents” is just wrong.
The WolfDecember 24, 2010 4:06 am at 4:06 am #721037dvorakMember
Another child of divorce here, chipping in my $0.02: Yes, we are scarred from it, but all that means is that you have to check out the person and make sure that s/he has adequately recovered. If they came out ok, then there’s no reason to write them off. A few have said it already, but it bears repeating: many of us children of divorce are actually more motivated than a lot of other people to work on our marriages and avoid the mistakes of our parents, because we know first-hand the consequences of failure.
I also hate the argument that we didn’t have “good marriage models” to learn from growing up. Aside from the fact that there is plenty to learn from the bad- as in, what NOT to do- the assertion that we don’t know what good marriages look like is often patently false, especially if one or both of the parents remarried and did well. Both my parents are in successful second marriages (my mom remarried when I was 11, my dad when I was 15), and yes, I did pick up plenty of good habits from that.
One last thing- divorce is not the only childhood trauma that ought to be scrutinized in the context of a shidduch. Do people treat someone who lost a parent at a young age with the same caution? Well, they ought to. My husband lost a parent not long after his bar mitzvah, and believe me, he is plenty messed up from it. I don’t regret marrying him, b’h we are very happy together, but I can’t pretend that there weren’t problems- which all turned out to be directly related to his loss. I was put through the wringer because my parents were divorced, but nobody thought twice about whether or not the poor, nebach yosom was marriage material. Really, anyone who went through ANY significant childhood trauma needs to be looked at carefully, they may not be sufficiently healed to be ready for marriage.December 24, 2010 4:48 am at 4:48 am #721038oomisParticipant
I would check thoroughly into the situation, see what the issues were. If he watched his mother being abused by a miserable excuse for a husband, I would want to make sure his middow were nothing like his father’s. Sometimes two really fine, nice people just cannot remain married to each other. The Torah provides for that. If the mother had problems getting the GET, that would raise a red flag to me. Each situation has to be judged on its own merits.December 24, 2010 5:12 am at 5:12 am #721039bh18Participant
wow…this thread frightens me! when i was contemplating divorcing my abusive spouse, i was told that my sons would have a hard time with shidduchim if i get divorced. why should they suffer in their marriage after watching their mother suffer in hers?! i finally said my son’s will have to marry open minded girls from accepting families and i do guide them and provide healthy and stable and beautiful marriages for them to see and learn from and one day emulate.
and by the way, marrying from a divorced home? maybe that child is a better person for it. when my son picked up a hand to hit me, saying “why can’t i hit you? daddy does it all the time to you!” i immediately (though it was 6 years after the wedding) asked for a get and bH got it quickly. the message to my son? never hit, never hurt another person. so yes, his mother is divorced and sadly, proud of it.December 24, 2010 7:03 am at 7:03 am #721040ZachKessinMember
My parents are divorced and i am rather glad that my wife didn’t care about that. And yes it does mean that my kids have an extra set of grandparents ;).
FWIW the major causes of divorce in the US are
1) Religious Differences
(There are 2 others but I forget what they are)
If a couple can be on the same page about those two things then they should be OK.
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