October 25, 2012 12:05 pm at 12:05 pm #605490
In a similar vein as a recent thread, would you consider marrying someone if you knew that he/she was on medication for depression?October 25, 2012 2:38 pm at 2:38 pm #940939
Yes. Marrying her would quickly end her depression.October 25, 2012 2:52 pm at 2:52 pm #940940ZeesKiteParticipant
My spouse is still married (to whom?) even though shortly after getting married it was revealed that I’m on drugs. High on it. Hopelessly addicted. (isn’t coffee a drug?)October 25, 2012 3:04 pm at 3:04 pm #940941
Not if a side effect is weight gain.
Just kidding..I dont care if there is weight gain, as long as there is some yichus or money there.October 25, 2012 3:06 pm at 3:06 pm #940942
ooou, oooou, me! where do I sign up?
i mean, are you serious?! why would someone in their right mind want someone with ANY problem??? NOT to say that people are perfect, and everyone has SOME chessronos, but when displayed out in the open, the answer will always be a resounding NO.October 25, 2012 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #940943nishtdayngesheftParticipant
I guess you are referring to your self when you made the following “insightful” commentOctober 25, 2012 3:52 pm at 3:52 pm #940944
“tzaddiq – the answer will always be a resounding NO”
hence the real source of the shidduch crisis.October 25, 2012 4:39 pm at 4:39 pm #940945SaysMeMember
depending on everything else. That wouldnt neccesarily make it or break it for me. Knowing before dating definitely wld be a con, but thats why rabbonim suggest only revealing s/t like this on a 3-4th date, whne you can make a decision knowing the person betterOctober 25, 2012 5:08 pm at 5:08 pm #940946zahavasdadParticipant
And one wonders why there is a Shidduch crisis, Instead of trying to find fault with people, How about look for the positive in people.October 25, 2012 5:18 pm at 5:18 pm #940947
Ok so far no serious responses, except for tzaddiq – I think.
tzaddiq – were you being serious? if so, what if you found them to be a wonderful person and only found out later (several dates in)about their issue?October 25, 2012 5:34 pm at 5:34 pm #940948funnyboneParticipant
I would consider depression to be an illness, albeit a mental one. Is there a reason why one would marry someone with an illness? Is the illness genetic? What are the other pros? What are YOUR cons? If you have medical issues, I would put it as a shidduch with similar cons. (I gave a similar answer to the divorcee question.)October 25, 2012 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #940949alhaParticipant
would it be different if it something else i.e. diabetic ?October 25, 2012 5:39 pm at 5:39 pm #940950
I thought SaysMe’s comment was serious (and mature, if I might add). Why would you choose to focus on tzaddiq’s instead?October 25, 2012 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #940951OneOfManyParticipant
If I found out that the person was hiding it from me and had no plans of telling me until after marriage, THAT would be grounds for a resounding no. If I found out before dating him, I would be concerned (maybe a little more so than in the case of divorce), but if there were no other obvious issues at play, I think I would go out with him, because you really have to meet a person to see how they personally deal their depression. For some it’s just something that happens that they can deal with, but for some it’s indicative of much bigger issues that can’t be ignored.
I think, as SaysMe says, the most sensible course of action is not to tell them right off (because of all the resounding NOs), but to tell them as it begins to get serious (not too late, either), so the person has a chance to make first impression based on their perception and make a fully informed choice.October 25, 2012 6:02 pm at 6:02 pm #940952
Actually, it was satire and sarcasam about people’s real priorities in what to look for in a spouse.
Like people willing to overlook extreme issues in incompatability in exchange for being matched with someone with yichus or money.October 25, 2012 6:27 pm at 6:27 pm #940953
i was serious! but i said two things.
1) i assumed you were asking someone in their right mind
2) the truth is, and don’t deny it, that you don’t display or expose people’s chesronos who are dating. if you do, there will always be a resounding NO. did i say something false?
syag: “hence the real source of the shidduch crisis. ” huh??
zahavadad: that’s unfair to push people to marry someone with a medical issue! would you push your child into such a marriage because of “the Shidduch crisis”??! I wouldn’t!
having said that, such information SHOULD DEFINITELY BE REVEALED BEFORE A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL i.e. after several dates, where one should take time to weigh the situation: their maalos vs the depression.October 25, 2012 6:54 pm at 6:54 pm #940954WolfishMusingsParticipant
i mean, are you serious?! why would someone in their right mind want someone with ANY problem??? NOT to say that people are perfect, and everyone has SOME chessronos, but when displayed out in the open, the answer will always be a resounding NO.
This sentence beautifully illustrates one of the major problems with the way shidduchim are done today.
The WolfOctober 25, 2012 7:05 pm at 7:05 pm #940955
I was referring to your RESOUNDING NO, as opposed to a thought out-well informed NO. Resounding NO’s for having, in your words, “SOME chessronos, but . . . displayed out in the open” are the reason so many people are not even dating, let alone married.
Why do you interpret zdads words to say, “push people” to marry someone with a medical issue? Nobody said Push. To some of us, considering a less then perfect shidduch would not be called pushing, it would be called ”taking it into consideration”. It seems to be different perspectives.October 25, 2012 8:20 pm at 8:20 pm #940956Princess15Member
chances are that she is depressed b/c she is not marriedOctober 25, 2012 9:43 pm at 9:43 pm #940957golferParticipant
From the perspective of a married person, and as such my answer is of course hypothetical, sorry, but, No.October 25, 2012 9:47 pm at 9:47 pm #940958
Princess15 is right. I mean thats what happens when a young womans self worth is tied to her single/married status.October 25, 2012 10:06 pm at 10:06 pm #940959nudnikitMember
I know of someone married to a man with bipolar disorder (manic-depression), who was diagnosed a few years before they got married. She was told after the 3rd date, and is very happily married now for many years.
Turning down a shidduch because the other person has a chisaron is not very smart imho. My spouse also has chesronos, as do I. We made a cheshbon if the chesronos were ones we could live with, given the maalos.October 25, 2012 10:30 pm at 10:30 pm #940960SaysMeMember
thank you syag, i’m honored you think so. I assume my posts wasnt up yet when mimah posted, but i was serious. And thanks for looking out for me 🙂October 25, 2012 10:44 pm at 10:44 pm #940961ZeesKiteParticipant
(have to comment, don’t want to ruin the thread. It looked cute, on the opening screen. “Would you marry ……. nudnick”)October 25, 2012 11:48 pm at 11:48 pm #940962
Studies show that 60% of Americans go to a psychiatrist once in their life.October 26, 2012 12:06 am at 12:06 am #940963
I know someone who is on meds for depression and his wife is NOT on meds for her anxiety. They were together for about 9 years before their marriage fell apart. I would recommend him for a shidduch any day. Her, I would not. It should be more about stability and level of function then diagnosis.
Do you have any idea how many young girls these days are getting married and finding out that their husbands have addictions to all sorts of things? Wouldn’t someone stable and under treatment be better than that?October 26, 2012 3:53 am at 3:53 am #940964dhl144Member
A person that is on medication for depression/anxiety/add any of these mental illnesses….should not be looked that they are woese off then anyone else that doesnt have any of these mental illnesses.
you might not want to listen to me because I myself am on medication for I had suffered with severe anxiety and Thank God the best choice I ever made was to go on medication.
A person that ignores the world around him/her that puts a stigma on medication is a true WINNER. they realize that this is a test that Hashem has given them just like any other. If a person God forbid has cancer and they go fo Chemo and get healed they are a WINNER! and anyone that says otherwise is unfortunetly making a big mistake and doesnt realize that in order for this person to get better they had to have chemo
SO TOO by a person that God forbid suffers with a terrible depression or anxiety they are a WINNER for going on medication bc Hashem did a chesed that a person suffering with this test of mental illness is blessed to be able to take a medicine that can heal them from it…A person should be praised for taking thte step of going on medication bc he/she realizes that if thats what they need to get healed so be it…the sickness and refua are both from Hashem and to not take the medicine is foolish to allow themselves to suffer when there is a cure
GO OUT WITH THE PERSON THE MEDICINE IS ONLY A SIGN OF COURAGE AND BETACHON! all the best to you!October 26, 2012 5:04 am at 5:04 am #940965
dhl144 – That was a very beautiful post. I hope one day you will take that positive attitude about accepting people and giving them a chance, and use it toward your feelings about people who may be different than you religiously. Thank you for your chizuk, Hashem should give you a refuah and koach to succeed as an eved Hashem.October 26, 2012 9:58 am at 9:58 am #940966
I have no wish to marry a “WINNER”. I want to marry a stable, confident young women.October 26, 2012 11:08 am at 11:08 am #940967
Syag – SaysMe was correct in the assumption that I posted before he/she did.
SaysMe – thanks for looking out for ME 🙂October 26, 2012 12:58 pm at 12:58 pm #940968
the way the question was posed, automatically turned me off for such a shidduch prospective. one of the top priorities datees have on their little list for shidduchim is health, and so one (i know i) would be worried about the health of such a person. depression is a medical issue, and is an illness. this is a fact. it is an illness. so if i have girls -who are healthy- ready to date, and this girl -who is NOT-, why would a boy consider her? is one so wrong for choosing to date the healthy girl?? i think NOT!October 26, 2012 2:00 pm at 2:00 pm #940969BaalHaboozeParticipant
I don’t think tzaddiq’s response is THE REASON FOR THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS. he is saying a reasonable point, however, the resounding ‘NO’ is where I disagree. Why would you not consider someone who you really really like after 6-7 dates, and now find out that she takes medication for depression, or is diabetic, etc.? The question from the OP is would you CONSIDER? Would you make a cheshbon, if the shidduch makes sense, and can work out? I don’t think there will be a RESOUNDING ‘NO’, I think many will consider her, and perhaps will overlook her chessoron.October 26, 2012 2:19 pm at 2:19 pm #940970golferParticipant
I’m not sure I understand zahavasd & Wolf who seem to be saying that the problem with shidduchim today is that people are too picky and too quick to find fault. I also find the new cultural norm of finding fault with plastic tablecloths and obsessing about dress sizes to be unseemly, inappropriate & destructive. But health is something we all pray for and beg HKB”H to grant us. I don’t think you can equate someone wishing to go into marriage with a healthy spouse, to all those people out there with lists of criteria full of narishkeiten.October 28, 2012 5:26 am at 5:26 am #940971yehudayonaParticipant
Here’s a question for those who would not consider a shidduch with health issues. Let’s say you find and marry someone in perfect health. You have a child. The child has health issues. Do you forget about marrying off that child?October 28, 2012 5:50 am at 5:50 am #940972☕ DaasYochid ☕Participant
Here’s a question for those who would not consider a shidduch with health issues. Let’s say you find and marry someone in perfect health. You have a child. The child has health issues. Do you forget about marrying off that child?
So you’re suggesting that one should date someone with health issues, when (s)he could just as easily date someone without health issues, because there’s a possibility that they will have a child who is unhealthy? I don’t understand your argument.
Or to answer your question directly, no. And that’s not hypocritical.October 28, 2012 8:45 am at 8:45 am #940973uneeqMember
The biggest issue IMO, is that someone who is mentally ill or depressed can just snap or have a breakdown one day. One day you were married to Rochel, today you’re married to a completely different person. Is that a risk you are willing to take? If so, go ahead. It’s easier to deal with a physical health issue, where the person would mentally be the same, having a great personality after reflecting on life more than others. With a mental health issue, if the problem perks up, the marriage could easily be in shambles, at best.
I was asked about going out with a rich beautiful perfectly religious girl, with a great family. Though mental illness runs strong in the family. I said no, though it was a hard no to say.October 28, 2012 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm #940974popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Yeah, I would, but only because I think these medications are overprescribed and she almost certainly doesn’t need it.
But, no way I’m getting engaged to them after 2 months; it would need to be a much longer relationship so I could see how they react to more stuff in life.October 28, 2012 4:16 pm at 4:16 pm #940975
Let us say your child becomes a cannibal hermit, chalila, should you then marry a cannibal hermit?October 29, 2012 1:28 am at 1:28 am #940976funnyboneParticipant
Popa, how would you know if she needs it? Would you need to meet the psychiatrist? Would you demand that first she stops the meds and then you’ll date? As a spouse, do you feel that you are in charge of what meds your spouse can take? Do you really believe that meds are “overprescribed” to the extent that “she almost certainly doesn’t need it”?? Do you have research to prove that???October 29, 2012 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #940977menucha12Member
how about someone who was on medication at age 13 for a year and then didnt need it anymoreOctober 29, 2012 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #940978yehudayonaParticipant
I didn’t think my post was so unclear, but so far two out of two people have misinterpreted it. My point was that people with medical issues deserve to get married too. Clearly, there are exceptions, such as people who are likely to commit acts of violence (I wouldn’t want my daughter to date Norman Bates).
I’m not suggesting that any particular person is obligated to choose a spouse with medical issues, but I think people should be a little open minded and treat each case individually. If you’re picking a stock, it’s OK to use a stock screener. But we’re talking about people here.October 29, 2012 8:13 pm at 8:13 pm #940979Torah613TorahParticipant
It would depend on the person.October 29, 2012 10:09 pm at 10:09 pm #940980147Participant
After Rav Yisroel haLevi Reisman’s Nach Shiur 2 nites ago:- How could anyone not get married? & once married:- How could anyone not stayed married?
I would certainly get married but only 2 factors are preventing me from getting married:- 1) I am already married; 2) Despite the passage of 1 millennium, somehow people still seem to observe Rabbi Gershom’s Cherem against polygamy.October 29, 2012 10:35 pm at 10:35 pm #940981
I don’t think the need of someone else to get married has bearing on making a wise and hopefully correct decision. I’m sure there are individuals on both genders who have this problem and are happily married.October 30, 2012 1:22 am at 1:22 am #940982popa_bar_abbaParticipant
Popa, how would you know if she needs it?
If she isn’t absolutely phsychotic, she doesn’t need it. Just needs good old fashioned therapy.
Would you need to meet the psychiatrist?
No, only a psychologist. I think psychiatrists are witch doctors.
Would you demand that first she stops the meds and then you’ll date?
As a spouse, do you feel that you are in charge of what meds your spouse can take?
No, but as a potential spouse I can be in charge of who my spouse will be.
Do you really believe that meds are “overprescribed” to the extent that “she almost certainly doesn’t need it”??
Do you have research to prove that???
Yes.February 22, 2013 2:03 am at 2:03 am #940983itsallgood21Member
Don’t know if this is active anymore but thought I’d add my piece. I have depression/anxiety, as well as a sibling with a severe disorder. Mental illness, as with anything else, can make or break a perrson. I think I have become stronger because of it, and I think I am more prepared for life, i.e, marriage, etc, than most girls my age. A lot of it is self-image, if you think you are a person who is worthy of a great relationship,you will most likely have an easier time creating and maintaining one.I recently created a blog that I hope will help others to improve their self-image by sharing artwork etc that helped them cope with their illness
Sorry, we don’t allow links.February 22, 2013 6:40 am at 6:40 am #940984rebdonielMember
Mental illness is not just any chesron.
It is one where the potential to destroy lives is evident; a person can have a nervous breakdown and decide to stop medicating.February 22, 2013 8:39 am at 8:39 am #940985ToiParticipant
once again, a thread whewre people claim they would go way beyong the norm and marry someone whose condition, already known, could destroy your marriage and life. i answer no.February 22, 2013 3:16 pm at 3:16 pm #940986OneOfManyParticipant
Toi: Your lack understanding of the nature of depression and other disorders does not make the rest of us lalala idiots. My opinion, for one, is quite well-informed.February 22, 2013 9:24 pm at 9:24 pm #940987itsallgood21Member
I agree that mental illness is not just any illness. People with severe mental illnesses should probably(always exceptions) not consider marriage/kids. Not everyone is up to the test of marrying someone with an illness either, but these people do exist.
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