Believing

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  • Believing
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    It’s very normal and understandable to date someone who has been through similar things. There’s a certain level of empathy that we get as a result of the challenges we endure. That’s not to say that others who haven’t had rough patches aren’t empathic. Nevertheless, it’s very understandable to want to date someone who has had various big bumps and can therefore share similar feelings and relate to you more (on a personal level).

    in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1444579

    Believing
    Participant

    “Borderline Personality Borderline can not be treated with Medications. (certain medications may help with symptoms).”
    With all due respect, I beg to differ. Borderline Personality Disorder IS treatable and manageable – with medication. How do I know? I’m bH getting the help I need for it. It’s not curable, but manageable.

    in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1444365

    Believing
    Participant

    I did not read through all these comments, but i’m gathering some misconceptions and confusion regarding Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder being treated. Mental illness is (usually) NOT something that’s cured and goes away. Even with therapy, one has to constantly fight the battle. However, they are BOTH – Bipolar and Borderline manageable with therapy and medication. Mental illness is not a life sentence. And, yes, ones with those disorders (and others) CAN and do get married. They can lead very “normal” and fulfilling lives. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is most common for Borderline Personality Disorder. Alternatively, CBT (Cognitive Behavirol Therapy) is used to treat a wide range of conditions such as Anxiety, OCD and more. The bottom line is that with Hashem’s help and proper Hishtadlus – therapy and meds (if needed), such diagnosis are very much treatable. That’s not to say it’s easy. It’s brutally had, but it can be done. Hope this clarifies.

    in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1439938

    Believing
    Participant

    “After all is said and done, folks, will YOU be willing to date and marry — or encourage your child to date and marry — someone who has a mental illness that he or she is on medication for and has completely under control that he/she can have a normal life with medication?”

    This is precisely why (but not excusable) others are so scared to “let loose” about their mental illness. They know how strong the stigma is and are rightfully so scared of getting a “no” yet again. I understand the fear of not knowing what could happen even if they’re stable and on meds. But, does anyone really have a guarantee for life? While some of you many say i’m being extreme, mental illness can happen to anyone! Just like no one is immune to getting into an accident c’v, no one is immune to getting a diagnosis.
    So, as careful as we can be (after doing appropriate Hishtadlus), no one is guaranteed anything! We can say “what if” to anything in life and not get anywhere…

    in reply to: Keeping Mental Illness A Secret In Shidduchim🤕 🤒🤐👰🤵 #1439616

    Believing
    Participant

    I’m thrilled to see Mental illness being spoken about so openly when it’s so stigmatized and hardly spoken about. Though the stigma is still so strong, we have come a long way in terms of creating an awareness (like here) and in various different Jewish publications like the Ami, Yated and Mishpacha. Thank you!!

    As embarrassing as it may be, it’s imperative to be open about it in dating. I do also want to say that mental illness is usually manageable. Though it’s debilitating, therapy and medication can and do help. I understand that mental illness can be scary, especially to those who don’t know much about it. But please understand that mental illness is not dangerous. A lot of people are bH getting the right help – be it therapy and/or medication. Those suffering from it, didn’t choose it; it’s a Nisayon from Hashem. I read about others’ struggles (newspapers/magazines) and how hard it is to keep it from others from fear of being stigmatized.

    With Hashem’s help, I look forward to when mental illness will be spoken like any other difficulty. And those who are bravely fighting it, will be recognized for their efforts rather than shamed.

    in reply to: Anxiety, Bitachon, and Morons (Dah mah shetashiv l'moron) #1341491

    Believing
    Participant

    “We all know that anxiety is connected to bitachon or lack thereof. But we may not always know how to immediately respond to people who argue that they are not connected.Or sometimes, in our anxiety, even we may think that they are not connected, even though we are morons. So this thread is to help y’all out, by showing you succintly, how they are connected.”

    I would like to comment on the above:
    Anxiety is very real to those who are experiencing it. They are plagued with anxious and intrusive thoughts that don’t seem to subside. With the help of therapy and medication (if needed), someone suffering from anxiety can be helped. With this said, Bitachon is extremely important but has NOTHING to do with those suffering from Anxiety. Imagine telling someone who suffers from severe anxiety to just have Emunah in Hashem. If that worked, that would be great and all the mussar seforim would be sold out. It DOESN’T WORK. How do i know, because I have seen people suffer from anxiety and various other things. They don’t want to hear “Just have more Emunah in Hashem and your anxiety will go away.” Emotions are very complex and are much different than things that we intellectually know. For example, someone who has a phobia of dogs when on a leash knows intellectually that the dog will not hurt him. However, they don’t know this emotionally and therefore have a tremendous fear of dogs.
    Although they are very close physically, the heart and mind are very far. As it says, “V’yadata Hayom V’hashavosa L’vavecha.” We know, but the greatest work is to get the heart to know. Again, if someone can overcome anxiety with learning about Emunah, that’s great. But that’s rare. There are mental health professionals that are skilled with the various modalities of therapy. There’s CBT, DBT and much more. They are trained to help the individual connect the emotions with the intellect. They may do exposure therapy on the client that has a fear of dogs. My point is that learning Mussar seforim has almost no connection to solving psychological issues. Psychological issues are very real as i said and the client has to learn skills to rewire the neural pathways and to disassociate the fear from dogs. It’s a learnt thing which Bitachon cannot do. It can help as an aside, but it’s not the full or only answer.

    in reply to: Anxiety, Bitachon, and Morons (Dah mah shetashiv l'moron) #1341498

    Believing
    Participant

    “Accepting the panic/fear without trying to suppress it is very therapeutic.”
    I agree with this statement. Unfortunately, most people are shunned away from experiencing their emotions. They are told to “just get over it; it’s not a big deal.” Or, “You don’t have to be scared/worried/sad…” This is very wrong and is harmful. The more we suppress emotions, the more they will bother us. They may stop for some time, but they will eventually resurface. The way to go about dealing with emotions is to feel them and acknowledge that they exist. It may sound counter-intuitive, but if we can accept an emotion head-on and not suppress them, they WILL eventually go away and give great relief.
    I’m not a mental health professional, but i have observed them and know others personally who struggle with disorders. With this said, it’s of equal importance not to make the sufferer feel like he/she is crazy. They know their thoughts aren’t logical and feel ashamed about it. They need validation and empathy. This is not easy to do especially if one is not knowledgeable about mental health, but it’s extremely important. There are many resources that can educate us about mental health. One resource is a new organization called Refuat Hanefesh. It’s important to get educated in this area as mental health challenges are real and need more attention.

    in reply to: Shidduchim and overweight girls #1196150

    Believing
    Participant

    Thank you LU and Amen! Iy”H by everyone!!

    Just curious, what did you mean by +1?

    in reply to: Shidduchim and overweight girls #1196146

    Believing
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your honest and helpful feedback! To the mother of the girl whose overweight and only gets “interesting” shidduchim redt: Firstly, I really feel for you! I am not in shidduchim yet, but can imagine that it’s hard. It’s so unfortunate that you’re being redt “interesting” people for her. I don’t know why some of the boys are shallow- as someone else said, but I feel like we all have to get our priorities straight! Yes, a girl needs to look attractive and do everything she can, but at the end of the day, is the girl only her weight?? Why are we being defined by our looks and weight? I think our priorities should be more focused on the girl herself. Does she have good middos- Yiras Shamayim, kind, compassionate, sensitive… Those are the 1st qualities we should all be looking for! Those qualities will determine what kind of wife and mother she will be. Will she be able to communicate with her husband and kids after a long day of school/work? Will she be able to be sensitive to the needs of her husbands and children? Can she build a Torah home? Does the fact that a girl is overweight prove that she can’t be a good wife or mother?? NO!!!! (of course hishtadlus is needed) My point is, fat or skinny will NOT determine what kind of wife and mother the girl will be! Those are all externals. We need to dig and look beyond the surface and see what’s inside her- her middos… To me, that’s the #1 criteria for shidduchim.

    Iy”H, we should only hear Simchas!

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