Ellie7

Here is my response to the original letter about long sheitals:
There was something about it which made me angry-and I just want to preface that I’m probably not one of the women you are talking about in the letter. My sheital is a few inches past shoulder length, but it isn’t a lace sheital and there is nothing extraordinary about it (as a rule, I don’t want my sheital to overshadow my face).
Let me start by saying that in essence, perhaps I agree with you. I wish that frum women could adopt a hair covering that would be a mark of their married status instead of making it difficult to discern who is married and who isn’t; something dignified to set them apart from singles.
But still-this letter incensed me and I’ll explain why:
The vibe of the whole letter is placing men’s issues squarely on women’s shoulders. You’re turning women into the bad guy and framing men as poor, innocent bystanders.
The way you describe the first type of man, especially-‘The Struggling but Sincere’-made me cringe. Why don’t you think that most women-even in the long, lace sheitals aren’t struggling but sincere? Why do you assume they aren’t trying their best? Why are you viewing them as an evil entity out to get men?
You can’t blame women for men’s issues. Yes, perhaps in an asifa for women this can be emphasized-without placing responsibility for men on their shoulders. No one bears responsibility for another’s actions. Period.
In such an asifa, the beauty of tznius can be expounded on-but getting someone to change by putting them on a guilt trip is low.
Imagine if women did what you did. It would sound something like this:
Dear men and Rabbanim,
Being respectful to your wife-and any human being-is an important Mitzvah in the Torah being disregarded by men towards women. The Kesubah, which says that a husband needs to support a wife is being disregarded as well, as many frum women are highly overworked raising large families while also bringing in the money while their husband learns. They are also still required to bear responsibility for all the housework. And yet, women in the frum workforce still get paid significantly less than their male counterparts while men try to take advantage of their feminine softness and goodwill. Rabbanim who women consult for help either close their eyes or say disparaging comments (“Stop being like Pharoah and making your husband do women’s work). Unfortunately, I am saying this from personal experience and that of my friends.
There are two categories of women when it comes to struggles with tznius:
Sincere but Struggling and Spiritually Numbed
The sincere but struggling try their best, and are like lions and Esther in the palace of Achshveirosh, despite the challenges of men treating them like rags they hold onto tznius the best they can, and the Spiritually Numbed are suffering from all their pain and can’t help themselves. How can a human being live their whole life without being noticed and being trampled on? At least if they put on a fancy sheital they see that they finally get treated with a measure of dignity and respect-that someone finally notices their existence and value.
Are men really unaware that treating women like rags is causing the immodest sheital issue? How can they not realize how much pain they are causing to their wives and women in their circles? when they come to Shamayim, they will bear responsibility for the tznius issue; perhaps if they only treated a bas Yisroel with the respect she deserves she wouldn’t need to look for kavod with clothing and appearances. And why, indeed, do men only notice women when they are dressed not tznius? (and I’m talking about her husband and close family and her Rav). Why don’t they give her kavod for the children she bears and the Torah home she is creating? Why don’t they see her hard work and offer a loving hand to help her out? Why must women either cry out in pain by dressing not tznius or otherwise falling into anxiety and depression?
Where is there a heter in the Torah to treat a human being such a way?
We must admit how much women need the men around them to notice their inner royalty-to see them and be treated with dignity. Only then will this issue be solved.
—Can you imagine how such a letter would be received? It’s ludicrous to place responsibility for your issues on another-do your own cheshbon hanefesh of how men treat women in frum society, of the husbands who only treat their wives well if they are dressed to the nines. Stay on the men’s side of the lane. In a public forum, don’t make the women look like the devil and the cause of all problems-don’t make Adam’s primal mistake of blaming his faulty choice on his wife.
May we see Yeshuos B’Karov and everyone should be zoche to do their own personal teshuva and not blame the other.