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You all are missing the point. The girl agreed to the date and sent a text to the shadchan asking when she and the boy we’re going out. The girls mom decided to interject several hours later. My question is if this kind of behavior is acceptable. As one person pointed out, perhaps maybe the girl shouldn’t be in shidduchim if she just let’s her mother push her over, but I’m just trying to get a feel for why it’s acceptable behavior for the mother to override the daughters wishes.
He is 20 going on 21. The point being made is that the girl agreed to the date. She is actually closer to 22 so the question is why is the mother breaking things up when the girl herself was looking forward to meeting this boy?
It bothers me, but I can’t personally be mad at someone for wanting someone who is a certain age and me being 20 not fitting into that criteria. As shallow as it mind sound that I am going to want someone to look a certain way, so too someone else might want a guy who is a certain age so I realize that it isn’t me that they are saying no to, but rather my age. Also, I’d be lying if I were not to admit that starting at such a young age is a humbling experience, and that I can’t expect a yes from just anybody. As you mentioned, it makes me have to work even harder to show that I am mature, because I currently have my age working against me. But I do appreciate that you respect me trying to get married now because a lot of people try to put me down for it, but I can’t control what people are going to think, and the only thing I can control is myself. Hashem will take care of the rest.
@fivetownsmom- I appreciate the suggestion! However, while I definitely want to live in Israel one day, I am not going to drop what I am currently doing to go early. At the right time Imy”H.
@shopping613: Yeah, I am probably not chareidi enough. In America, I fall into the Right Wing Modern Orthodox-Modern yeshivish crowd. I don’t watch movies, tv, etc. but I am a proponent of internet usage with filters for educational purposes and whatnot
For a lot of my life I was on my own making religious decisions, but for various reasons, I didn’t have a rav who I really felt comfortable with. Over the last couple of years, I found a rav I really connect and feel I can learn from. I can see why people don’t have a rav, but it’s not good. I wouldn’t say I am mature for having a rav but thank you anyways!
2 things I want to point out: The first is that the main reason I am in part time yeshiva is so I can also do college so I can have a degree and begin working a career job within the next couple of years. I happen to also work on the side, and I try to put some of that money away, but that is really so I have some spending money for the day to day costs of life. thing number 2 is that I am unclear by “If you push your agenda too much you might get an unwelcome name in your community.” It’s not like I am going around spreading my shittos about this topic. If someone wants to look into me, great. If not, also great. I just think that saying no simply for age without finding out more information is immature. On the point you made that I should “Find another goal to work on this next year so you will feel you are accomplishing.” I am plenty busy with learning, school, and my job. It’s not that I’m bored with life and have nothing to do. I just feel ready to start dating and get married and whenever that time comes, it comes.
@shoppinglist613 I completely glanced over your comment. My apologies. I 100% agree with the fact that most guys my age are not mature enough for marriage and haven’t fully thought out what they want to do. One of the reasons that I am now in part time yeshiva and not full time yeshiva is because of the fact that I want to get married and I need to have a way of supporting a family. If someone could afford to learn and is learning well, I am a big supporter of them staying in learning through marriage. That wasn’t going to work for me, and I thought it through and spoke it over with a rav.
Thank you everyone for your replies! @Intheparsha Nasi had nothing to do with my decision either. In fact, I only just heard of them this week. I do feel I am ready for various reasons and I do agree with all the posters who said that it is the girls right to say no for whatever reason, including age. However, I do wonder if perhaps there is something that can be done to change the perception that all guys who start dating at age 20 or 21 have something wrong with them and are too immature to start, because there are plenty of girls who are very immature at that age as well. And yes, @intheparsha, I agree, if they don’t want to be involved simply for age without even taking steps to look at what is a potentially good idea is not someone I would want to date anyways, because I believe that is an immature reason to say no, but that’s just me.