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501. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     SaysMe - you're writing is really expressive, so beautifully put and... sad. i'm sorry for your pain... betrayal is dreadful... you put it so well.
     It's a really nice vort you shared - thank you! I've heard the same idea of 0's with yichus. Yichus is only of value if you're the 1. Interesting this way ;)
     How are you faring now?

     Blabla, you express the pain of wishing to be free... how are you? And yes, it makes perfect sense!
     You write about a little child's pain, yes, it is real for them and it def. has to be acknowledged!!
     You're right - words are powerful. You put it nicely.
     Just an interesting thought - those girls you passed by you say, "...I stared, was in awe,
     their innocent, naivety,
     that's what I just saw."
     Yes, that's just what you saw.... what is REALLY going on in their lives we just have no idea....

     Puppy - you seem to be in a lot of pain. How are you feeling now? If the love is real, can you allow it to penetrate?

     Thoughtful123 - That piece is really "thoughtful"!!! It's really very good, i like it!! You have a nice style ;)

     YW Moderator-42 - THAT'S A MASTERPIECE!! Thanks for sharing his poem.

     Syag Lchochma, wherever you posted it, i'm glad you did!! It's EXCELLENT!!! i understand your words. It's a rebbe/teachers job to try to understand the child and teach him what HE can understand, and, mostly, impart skills and values ;) thank you for sharing.

     Posted 3 years ago #

502. Syag Lchochma
     Member

     And thanks to you for commenting. Anonymous or not, I still get butterflies when I let people read my poems!

     Posted 3 years ago #

503. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     Syag: Welcome to this thread!;) Your post truly puts things in perspective. Great letter. Keep 'em coming!
     blabla: Thinking of you. Are you feeling any better? Your poetry is unreal. Keep it up!

     Posted 3 years ago #

504. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Syag - yes, i def. know what you mean!! Maybe i'll copy your example...
     Observanteen - this is also in response to your other thread.
     Mod80 / mods - you can delete this soon pls!!

     G-d!

     We see the pain all around us and our hearts can’t take it. We see so much pain, so much hurt, so many tragedies….and we wonder. How can this be happening??? How can anybody take all the pain, and how can we see it all and allow ourselves to feel?
     You don’t need us to state it all and if we do it allows the pain to seep through the cracks in the blockages protecting the heart from feeling. But it’s doing it anyway! The holes become enlarged as the pain pushes its way in and it takes so much effort to try to close it again.
     And we wonder…. How can this be happening?
     So many questions, so many doubts, so much fear. Yes, Hashem, we can question your ways…but we can never doubt them. We can open our eyes, and let our hearts feel the beauty of your creation… the warmth of the sun shining, the trickle of the waters descending. The rays of light in the darkness; the silver lining behind each cloud; the ending in every tunnel. If we can open our eyes and allow ourselves the pleasure of appreciating the goodness of your ways, there will be little doubt.
     G-d, we can question…but we cannot doubt.
     This world is yours G-d, and if we, just mere mortals, are feeling such pain – than surely you must be feeling it too.
     A pool of despair, of fear, of longing. A tremor for the past and for the future. A wonder – can the pain ever lessen?
     We look up to you G-d. We know that you understand that we cannot always look up to you, that we cannot always pray with words. And we know that you know that we are praying and crying and hoping – yes, hoping – for you always.

     Please take away our pain!!

     Posted 3 years ago #

505. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     Princess: You are a true inspiration. Thank you very, very much. Well written, as always.

     Posted 3 years ago #

506. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     I thought I'd share this poem I wrote while suffering from anxiety (just a few short months back!), to all of you who are suffering from anxiety, depression and/or ED. Just to show that you're not alone, and that I feel your pain.
     My Heart

     I've got an open heart
     To tamper with and break
     You can take part,
     Feel free to take.

     Don't ever hesitate
     To stamp on and tread
     That's my fate;
     Pain, sorrow and dread.

     My heart has undergone
     So many a surgery,
     The damage is done,
     Peace - an unreal luxury.

     Get hold of my heart;
     Prick it, cut it with no doubt
     Quickly tear it apart,
     For time's running out.

     Soon my heart will come
     Crashing to the ground
     It'll lay limp and numb
     I'll be lost - never to be found.

     Posted 3 years ago #

507. SaysMe
     O pen, says me

     PrincessEagle-thanks for caring. And its always nice to hear a compliment on my writing. I think its so special how u take time to comment and question each poster and show how u notice it all. And your cry/tefillah is so beautiful and shows such emunah!
     We’re working on it, working on ironing out that argument of betrayal. Healing will take time though.
     Observanteen- wow. Thanks so much for sharing that. I told someone recently that my heart would shatter soon, and they finally realized how I felt. This says it so true. So sorry you felt like that…and so happy you are out and through!
     Thoughtful- ur name describes what comes through in your writing. And the message was so well portrayed!
     Syag- That letter belongs in both. The emotions and the message come through so strongly. It can be written with pain, but it is in such a positive light! Thank you so much!
     Blabla- I hope you have since learned that you are not the worst writer in this thread, but one of my favorite of all threads! You truly do have talent.

     Posted 3 years ago #

508. blabla
     Member

     Hallow, empty,
     in an ice cold world,
     darkness, gloom,
     my thoughts twirled.

     confusion settles,
     lights flashing all around,
     this way, no that way,
     no contentness can be found.

     I stare into the mirror,
     my gaze upon my abs,
     big, fat, flabby,
     feels like some sharp stabs.

     cuts in my gentel heart,
     slices in my sensitive soul,
     delicate, defenseless,
     with a huge and giant hole.

     I know this writing isn't so good but too bad :(
     super depressed right now. feeling really empty and fat.

     Posted 3 years ago #

509. blabla
     Member

     and I lost my other random writing thread so this'll go here.

     Tzippy approached the mirror for the umpteenth time that day. She just had to check herself out to make sure she looked skinny enough and just right. With her silky hair pulled back with a headband and a short denim skirt, she looked tip top. She smoothed her shirt and stood up straight in her proud uggs. She adjusted her purse and was out the door. She walked down the straight with her head high up in the air. After all, it was her duty to pretend that she was PERFECT. Life had to be perfect. SHE had to be perfect. She knocked gently on Simmy’s mohagony front door. Her mother opened the door and the fresh aroma of chocolate cake greeted her. “Hey tzips”, said simmy. “ready to roll?”
     Tzippy stepped forward indicating her reply. “lemmie grab some chocolate cake and well go”, said simmy. And off they scampered into her cozy room. They sat on simmy’s bed across from each other, each with her own navi and notebook. On the middle of the bed sat a giant plate of chocolate cake, mouthwateringly fresh. Tzippy’s gaze followed the chocolate. She glanced back at simmy. Simmy was unaware of the fierce battle growing inside Tzippy. She fought tooth and nail. Finally, she resigned. She stretched her hand to take one, and then rejected it. She was having an inner battle. She decided she would restrict this time, allowing for a wave of relief and a feeling of skinnyness to wash over her. She proceeded to study. The next morning came as every day, with Tzippy heading straight for the scale. She locked the door, undressed, and stepped up. “98” the large red numbers said. Tzippy thought she would die. NINETY EIGHT!!! She was simply obese. She proceeded to the kitchen drawer and pulled out a knife. That’s it. She just had to do it for once and for all. She grabbed the knife and fiercely threw it into her neck. A second of sharp pain and oozing blood. She then collapsed on the floor and was gone. No, that chocolate cake wasn’t worth it.       
     not so good...changes focus a lot but whatever I was able to write rightnow.

     Posted 3 years ago #

510. blabla
     Member

     Sometimes I feel...
     That the heaviest load's been placed upon me.
     the burden of an old man,
     who's been through wars and famines,
     who's frail and delicate,
     his pain and suffering,
     piled on me,
     at once,
     short and sharp,
     long and forever,
     the piercing cries are those of deep anguish,
     of longing for freedom,
     yet the old man is closer,
     closer to what I dream of,
     he's closer to death,
     what I long for,
     what i've tried,
     What hasn't worked for me.
     Nothing works for me,
     yet I continue in this world.
     I feel I have the pain,
     of someone so old,
     more pain than that of my teachers,
     more pain that that of those much older than me.

     Posted 3 years ago #

511. puppy
     always try to make it look like the dog did it

     blabla, i feel for you. hang in there. and remember your special.
     observanteen, i really liked that. i cud tottaly identify.
     saysme, where do you get you positivity from? you sound really special. i like your writings too. keep it up!

     Sitting alone,
     a sea of tentacles,
     everyone speaks a different language,
     drumming to a different beat.

     Moving on with life,
     while i sit stuck.
     shmoozing and eating,
     while i'm dumb and fat.
     going forward,
     while i sink.
     running and jumping,
     while im lazy and slow.
     smiling and laughing,
     while i cry.

     Posted 3 years ago #

512. blabla
     Member

     I feel like a failure,
     I want to surrender,
     I just can't go on alone,
     I've got no defender.

     No matter what I've tried,
     no matter how hard it's been,
     my brain is just too slow,
     it doesn't sink in.

     I peer at the textbook,
     for the hundreth time today,
     I try the problem over again,
     I've attempted every way.

     Yet somehow it doesn't work,
     it just makes no sense,
     but the teachers somehow manage,
     to me this stuff's immense!

     I just feel like a failure,
     every aspect of my life,
     I've been attacked from every angle,
     slaughtering me like a knife.

     Socially I'm zeroed,
     there's no hope for me at all,
     I thought maybe academically,
     Hashem just hear my call! HELP! :(

     The only solution to my plight is DEATH, if it only worked! :( :(

     Posted 3 years ago #

513. am yisrael chai
     We await your rejoining us!

     blabla
     I'm very behind on this wonderful thread
     But this last poem of yours I've just read
     Please share the text problem that's giving you trouble
     And we'll all help you here be"H quickly on the double!

     Posted 3 years ago #

514. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     SaysMe: Thank you. Your writing is beautiful, thoughtful and meaningful. Keep it up!:)

     Puppy: Glad you enjoyed. How're you doing? Still struggling with Emuna? Did you ask/look for answers?

     blabla: I'm so sorry you feel that way! I know exactly how you feel. I didn't do well in math. (BTW, the fact that I'm writing this is also a big step for me. I would NEVER admit it before!) I remember once doing bad on an algebra test. I went home crying and was beside myself for days and weeks. I constantly beat myself up that I'm dumb. Why? I did well in all other subjects. Simply because we are perfectionistic. We have to be PERFECT. We must be brilliant, the life of the party, friendly, just... EVERYTHING! You know what? It's impossible. There's absolutely NO ONE who's perfect. We're all here to work, aren't we? Although I did well in other areas, I still had to study hard. I think most girls do. You're not alone! Ask your friends if they feel the same. Pair up with them, study together...Make it light and have some fun. YES - FUN! Enjoy yourself! Relax!

     Here's what I wrote (while I was really anxious) about my perfectionism:

     I Gotta Be Perfect

     I gotta be perfect
     I gotta be ideal
     I must always be collected
     No matter how I feel.

     I gotta be perfect
     I Gotta be ideal
     I must excel in math
     And study with zeal.

     I gotta be perfect
     I gotta be ideal
     I must be a great cook
     Sweat over a lavish meal.

     I gotta be perfect
     I gotta be ideal
     I must be a loyal friend
     Collapsing, so _____(my ex-friend) can heal.

     I gotta be perfect
     I gotta be ideal
     I must be a devoted daughter
     Clean, cook and peel.

     I gotta be perfect
     I gotta be ideal
     By allowing my imperfection
     The true ME to reveal!

     Hope it helps, and good luck!

     Posted 3 years ago #

515. blabla
     Member

     I don't want to say the problems cuz I'm scared someone will blow my identity. If not for the fact that I've written my lifestory in this thread, I'd totally say. I tried to get free tutoring online, etc. untill I decided tonight that if a boy doesn't marry me cuz I failed math in school, I don't want him! And yes, I only excell in school so that I can find a shidduch. That's what today's corrupt society along with much else says!

     Posted 3 years ago #

516. blabla
     Member

     My fantasy:
     to live a life,
     in a green giant house,
     walls constructed of smooth green paper,
     round circles in the center of each brick,
     with a tiny number on the corner of each,
     stating its value,
     lush green lawns with presidents on them,
     pathways with millions,
     pillows of hundreds,
     blankets of the highest number ever,
     a life where I'm carefree,
     the concept of money foreign,
     I have what I need,
     I have what I want,
     I'm happy.
     I'm drowning in a sea of debt,
     guilt creeps up on me,
     for therapy,
     for nutritionists,
     for psychiatrists,
     for medication,
     for life.
     Wouldn't it be cheaper,
     If I wasn't HERE?!
     So why don't they just let me die,
     in my green grave,
     under piles of ones, tens, hundreds and thousands.

     HEEEEEEEEEELP! This is not very good but its too bad. Whatever.

     Posted 3 years ago #

517. SaysMe
     O pen, says me

     What kind of fantasy life would it be to live in a house of money without the blabla your family, friends, neighbors and fellow CR posters love and care for :(? Your health and happiness is worth every penny in the world! Don't think about the cost, just focus on getting better and seeing the joy in your life once again. Rooting for you!!

     Posted 3 years ago #

518. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     Hi, I was in the writing mode, so I wrote this just now (blabla, I had you in mind).

     Death - Our Life

     Some people fear
     Thunder and lightening
     Some people feel
     Death's frightening.

     There are people
     For death they strive,
     They don't want to live
     Don't fight to survive.

     Death.

     To some it is
     An evil decree
     While others
     Wish to be set free.

     Death.

     Is its meaning
     Good or bad?
     Is the result
     Happy or sad?

     Death.

     Death is the entry
     To a new life.
     Will it be serene
     Or filled with strife?

     Will I enter
     A beautiful paradise,
     Or will life there be
     None too nice?

     Death.
     Life.

     Death's the life
     That we earn down here.
     Death will come,
     When we'd complete our share.

     Death may be scary
     It may be exciting.
     Death may be ominous
     Or ever so delighting.

     Unlike animals or plants
     We were given a choice:
     Whether we will cry
     Or we will rejoice.

     Posted 3 years ago #

519. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Just reading all that has been written here in the last week, the pain is so great and it really hurts to read.
     Blabla, how i wish i could ease your pain, take it away with a swoosh along with saysme, puppy .... and all the pain in the world.
     Why?? So much pain... what for???? Blabla, i know you're asking this in your words, in your cry of pain in the words of death. It's worth it. Why? Because there will be tomorrow, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. How do you hold on, how do you go forward when the pain is just blinding? Hoping, hoping and knowing that there will be an end to it all, that it will get better. Death will happen, we will all die. Whilst we're here we have to try to reach out, to give, to care, to love, to live. And we have to care for ourselves and get ourselves in control before we can do that for others. And until than - HOPE. HOPE. HOPE. IT WILL GET BETTER.
     Death isn't an escape, why ever do you think it's better after?
     Puppy, I read your words and i'm thinking, "not you too!!" This above ramble is written for you too ;)
     Observanteen, you're writing is absolutely superb. i'm so impressed and amazed at how well you write, and much more, at its content. How you're able to see past what you've been through and seemingly come out at the other end better and stronger.
     Either you're able to write about death so freely because you're thinking of it as such, or because you've distanced yourself from the reality of it. What do you say?
     And the A* goes to both you're pieces btw!
     SaysMe - why, thank you so much for your kind words! I really do appreciate them as well as your depth and your say. How are you faring? Been thinkin' of you ;)
     AYC - i was looking for your comments!! Glad to see you added your two cents. Keep them coming and if you read back from where you've missed on this thread you can comment "late"!

     Posted 3 years ago #

520. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     Princess: Welcome back. We missed you! Thanks for your feedback (it's always nice to hear!) To answer your question:
     Ever since I'm little, I wished to die. I remember asking my mother why I can't die now (btw I was a perfectly happy healthy little girl then) "Why do I have to go through all this trouble? We live in order to die, right? So why can't I just die NOW?" (Crazy, I know!) When I suffered from anxiety, I truly did want to die. And now...No. I definitely DON'T want to die. I love life. Nevertheless, death doesn't frighten me as much as it scares others, I guess. It's like when you have a huge test in school. Some will anticipate it and keep saying how hard and scary it'll be, while playing around. I guess I know what I'm here for - to "shteig in my middos", help others, do mitzvos, and ENJOY life - which I'm doing (working hard, believe me). So, the test is just as difficult as it is to others, but I'm studying hard...Get it?
     Hope you stay around!

     Posted 3 years ago #

521. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Hey Observanteen, that question sounds familiar! You put it great in words (like usual - need i say that?) The comparable to a test in school is excellent. Life IS a test and i like the way you end, "i'm studying hard".... you're trying to do all you can in this world whilst here so that when it comes to the end of life you'll have what to take with you.
     Did i tell you i'm impressed and amazed?!?
     Thank you for your welcome, i appreciate that!

     Posted 3 years ago #

522. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     Princess: Aw, I didn't expect that. And I'm certainly glad you decided to come out of hiding! Things just weren't the same without you.:)

     Posted 3 years ago #

523. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Hey Observanteen, what didn't you expect?! About the hiding part - we've already been through that one! I've been busy..

     Posted 3 years ago #

524. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     I didn't expect such a flood of compliments, I guess. It's a good thing you can't see my face now;)
     Oh, you're right. We've been through that. Sorry! But I appreciate your presence. Fair enough?:)

     Posted 3 years ago #

525. blabla
     Member

     Thanks princess and observanteen-that poem was INCREDIBLE! Hit the nail on the head EXACTLY!!! Thanks so much!

     Posted 3 years ago #

526. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     blabla: Glad you enjoyed it. How're you doing now?

     Posted 3 years ago #

527. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Observanteen, i was only teasing ;) and thanks!
     Yes, blabla, how are you doing?

     Posted 3 years ago #

528. blabla
     Member

     Very stressed out about school...and much better about everything else cuz I saw my therapist today. Thanks for asking. I don't know what I'd do without the cr and poetry thread!

     Posted 3 years ago #

529. blabla
     Member

     My secret life,
     that nobody knows of,
     how I spend my time,
     what I love.

     They think I'm a BY girl,
     so naive and sweet,
     but my doulbe life unknown,
     I keep it discreet.

     Of my addiction to the web,
     of my surfing of these pages,
     sucking me up more,
     advancing in some stages.

     My obsession with celebrities,
     the hollywood the stars,
     I wish the computer was locked away,
     far away behind bars.

     I'm naucious and sickened by how much of these stars I've seen. I've spent barely any time studying. I'm addicted to the stupid internet and the addiction's getting worse by the day. Every day a new celebrity. HELP! I can't take it! I wish I can stop.

     Posted 3 years ago #

530. blabla
     Member

     The computer's like a vaccume,
     its got this magic thing,
     yanks me in its grip,
     to sit and watch stars sing.

     To hear their nutty music,
     to see their horrid moves,
     it isn't exactly assur,
     but I'm sure no one approves.

     I feel so very trashy,
     dirty and unpure,
     contaminated by this junk,
     how to end it I'm not sure.

     Posted 3 years ago #

531. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Blabla,

     i hear your cry for help. The frustration is evident.

     Please! Talk firmly to yourself! You CAN choose. You ARE in control. You CAN change. The only way any person can get out of a situation is by seeing that they have the power to do something about it.
     Doing something about it does not mean ALONE. If you feel it's beyond you it is up to YOU to help yourself in a way that you can.

     The FIRST thing to do is to REMOVE the temptation! It's putting in front of an alcoholist alcohol and telling him not to drink. I know this is extremely difficult. Don't look at it as an option, there is no choice.
     Perhaps you can get a shomer system on your computer or move it into a different room. Remember, this is something YOU CAN DO! And it's something only YOU can do. There are people out to care and help but at the end, it's YOU to make that change.
     I hope that you can listen to these words, sent with care ;) May hashem give to you the strength and bless you with happiness.
     Whenever you are able to, try to look ahead and see that you CAN emerge out of this as a better and stronger, happier and healthier person. Keep going strong! I'm rooting for you and i understand the struggle in my own little way. You are great and you are going great. You can do it!

     Posted 3 years ago #

532. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     This CR has gone berserk. I don't feel comfortable posting anymore. I'm not sure what's true, false, who's friend and who's foe. Just wrote this to express my emotions (Please excuse my poor work, I wrote it on the spot).

     To some it seems amusing
     To me it's confusing
     Are there people abusing?

     I am at a loss
     Who's the boss
     Members to toss?

     The members cooking like stew;
     Is the J. Crew
     False or true?

     If only I'd known what to believe
     AYC's account to retrieve
     And nice comments recieve.

     I wish this goings on
     Will soon be done
     And to J. we'd cry, "Voyage Bon!"

     Posted 3 years ago #

533. blabla
     Member

     Observanteen-agree 100%! That's why I barely post on other threads. I've gotten bashed too many times, and honestly, I find many of the posters to be very shallow.

     Posted 3 years ago #

534. blabla
     Member

     I live my life,
     aspiring,
     striving to be,
     to achieve,
     what others have done.
     but,
     I focus on the wrong ones,
     zoom in on them,
     examine every minute detail,
     peer at their faces,
     check their status,
     I'm on a treadmill that doesn't end,
     goes on and on,
     I'm chasing and chasing,
     huffing,
     puffing,
     trying to keep up with the johnses,
     trying to catch up with the stars,
     celebrities,
     singers.
     Yes, these are the wrong people to chase.
     But I'm jealous,
     so envious,
     of their popularity,
     romance,
     adventure.

     I've lost my emunah,
     begged hashem to save it,
     he seemed just not to care,
     my request he did omit.

     I wanted to believe,
     to love and to connect,
     but it seems to have been lost,
     my relationship a reflect.

     I pleaded with Him daily,
     to keep the emotion going,
     of emunah and of closeness,
     but the feelings just stopped flowing.

     I did my share,
     I did my part,
     I did all I could,
     to keep Him in my heart.
     The rest is HIS.

     Posted 3 years ago #

535. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Blabla, your words really hurt to read. I take it that you have somebody you share all this with and who can help you deal with it all.
     I'm just wondering, sometimes i write to you answers and you don't seem to respond. Is this because you want to hear something different? i read your poetry and once again i tell you that you write SUPER!!! i feel your hurt and i wish it better.

     Posted 3 years ago #

536. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     Princess: Hi;)

     I did my share,
     I did my part,
     I did all I could,
     to keep Him in my heart.
     The rest is HIS

     Blabla, please forgive me if I come across as too harsh. I don't want to hurt you, but if it does, do forgive me. I don't know you, nor am I familiar with your situation (other than what you've shared with us). Watching movie after movie, does cause to have your thoughts revolving around the stars. It takes your concentration away, plus you feel out of control, and you beat yourself up. You are not a little kid anymore. You have potential. You DO have the strength to conquer your addiction. You're no weakling. You have to decide what you want your life to be like. There won't be adults surrounding you throughout your life guiding you on every step of the way. You tried watching movies, being on the internet, and you realized it's bad for you. You now have a choice. You may either ignore the fact that it's bothering you, or CHOOSE to stop (or at least ask for help - from a rav, teacher etc. NOT the CR!).
     We can all be assuring and help you ease your pain. But remember:
     NOBODY CAN LEAD YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. It's only YOU who'll live your life, and it's up to you to decide on HOW to live it.
     I feel your pain, and truly am sorry for you. We will continue giving you support, but you must learn to make choices and take control over your life.
     Good luck!

     Posted 3 years ago #

537. SaysMe
     O pen, says me

     Blabla's words were mine too, so i am replying to ur response, observanteen.
     Knowing the right thing to do doesn't make it easy. And it doesn't always even seem doable. I know i am the only who can do anything about my life. I know no matter what the adults in my life say or don't say, do or don't do, only i can make the decision to act or not. But that doesn't make it easy or even make it feel within reach. and that's what depression does. Makes things seem impossible, huge, hopeless, despairing.
     Your message rings so true, yet for me, i can say i know its my goal, but one that's right now out of reach. Its where i'm heading, but many steps above me still.
     But thanks for your words and encouragement :)

     Posted 3 years ago #

538. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     SaysMe: The only reason I said what I did, was because I too, went throught the pain and helplessness of anxiety. And because I hurt so much to see that you too, suffer. Again, I hope I didn't hurt you or blabla.
     You say it seems out of reach. I used to tell that to myself too. By saying that, you subconciously tell yourself that you're incapable, helpless and this is how you'll always be. Easy? No, I never said it was easy! Life's NEVER easy. Let me tell you, even now, when I'm b"H over with my anxiety, life is still LIFE! With disappointments, frustration, challenges and difficulty. Life IS BY NO MEANS EASY! But we're meant to work, aren't we? We weren't created to life an empty life of fun. We must make our life worth living. Remember, if anybody can make YOUR life easier, it's only YOU.
     Loads of luck! Hope you feel better:)

     Posted 3 years ago #

539. SaysMe
     O pen, says me

     Not at all hurt! And i replied because i knew you understood.
     I know that so much (all?) lies in my messages to myself, in my decisions to do and change. But even what you said about how doubting myself stops change, and it's more, that negative messages create my reality, I know it's true. I can have an internal conflict, hear a negative message and telling myself it's my yetzer hora and that blocking it will give me the ability... all the self boosts, and knowing where its from, and telling myself to knock off putting myself down, etc, etc... I've had ups and downs. and for myself, i know that in the downs, its empty words, i guess. And until i start a slight incline, that those words won't help, but may even add to the despair, seeing myself not changing, feeling more responsible for my mood. I'm having a hard time articulating it, but that's what i wanted to add. Hope something came out :). And thanks for all the feedback and support.

     Posted 3 years ago #

540. observanteen
     trying to shteig in midos

     You seem to be a wonderful person, SaysMe. I truly feel sorry for you that you're going through this hell. You don't have to write it out - I know exactly what you mean. Negative thinking is a bad habit which takes time and hard work to change. (I can't fully say I'm a positive thinker now. I still am working on that one.) We're the type of people who analyze and view everything in a negative light. I think you need some guidance on that. I'm not a proffessional, but I'd suggest you check out the program that helped me. I've mentioned it in the past, it's called the Midwest Center for Attacking Anxiety and Depression by Lucinda Bassett. I'd strongly suggest you check it out (you can go to http://www.stresscenter.com for more info). She guides and advises you on how to think positive and actually "believe" it.
     Hatzlacha, and please keep us updated!

     Posted 3 years ago #

541. blabla
     Member

     GUYS! You totally make my day! Don't ever think I'm not reading your replies to my poems! I read them every single time just sometimes I don't know what to say or I'm super busy so don't log in alltogether! But for observanteen-the way you responded shows you sorta understand it and sorta don't. Life's not easy but when it comes to escaping your problems after dealing with them all day, all that appeals to you is the internet and the junk. Yes, I know it wears out your concentration which is why I'm currently struggling in school as well. Last night when I had to go off the internet I became suicidal cuz I had to face my problems. Its very very tricky and tough but thanks for your reply! Thanks to saysme as well as all responses to all my poems! After a horrible day, all I want is to come to the cr and see this thread!

     Posted 3 years ago #

542. SaysMe
     O pen, says me

     and I come hoping that you blabla posted again, put my emotions and struggles that i cannot face into words and poetry, and i know i'm not alone.

     Posted 3 years ago #

543. blabla
     Member

     Thank you saysme :)

     Posted 3 years ago #

544. PrincessEagle
     Flying High

     Hey! Blabla, thank you for explaining your position! It's just that sometimes i spend the time / thought / care into the reply and just want to know that you care for it ;)
     Observanteen, the point you made is a very important and valid point. The FIRST step in HELPING YOURSELF is by realizing that YOU are in charge of your life and you are the one to have to change.
     SaysMe, you are talking past that stage. Once you're aware of that, than yes, it IS extremely difficult to go on. You seem to be a mature person who is struggling her way through life and feeling trapped by seeming inability to get away from whatever monsters are surrounding you.
     Do you have somebody to help you through when you are feeling the utter despair and loneliness overwhelm you? In a "better" time can you find for yourself a way to go on during those feelings? Are you doing all you can to help yourself? Have you some sort of outlet, be it writing (which btw i think you're great at!), music, art, baking... Do you find you can pray in some sort of way?
     Sometimes just accepting that now is a "bad" time can help a person go further. It takes away any guilt and it can give you the strength to speak firmly to yourself later / get back up. i feel for your pain and i wish it all better.

     Blabla, take whatever you can from that for you too! You're right it IS very tough and restraining from the internet WILL make you feel suicidal, you are not alone fighting this. Please read over the words i wrote to you after your poem on this!!!! I believe in you and i know that you can get through this too.

     i hope that today isn't one of those "bad days" that you're coming on here to see the replies but coming on a happy day.

     Observanteen - this is for you whenever you see this (hopefully SOON!!) : :) :) ;) ;)

     Posted 3 years ago #

545. SaysMe
     O pen, says me

     Observanteen- I can't believe it, i didn't really say thank you for your time and care and sharing! So, here's a huge THANKS TRULY!!
     Princess- First of all, just wanna say again, you're really special. Your long individual replies and the obvious concern.... thanks!
     You gave me a list of pointers. you hit all the important things straight on :). and that list is gonna be written down on a paper by my bed to review and review and make sure i can answer.
     I have some amazing friends who help me through my tough times and good ones, and an AMAZINGLY dedicated mentor, who i can't thank enough. (btw, you sometimes sound just like her-that's a good thing :-). My better times i treasure and try to get as much growth into. Generally when i post, i am coping. When i'm really down, i don't know what to say, unless a poem forms...like the betrayal one. Am i doing ALL i can? i doubt it, cuz i doubt myself. but there are many things that hold me back, and i'm trying to work on them when i feel strong enough to. i used to write poetry to vent, then stopped when i was really down. Now, here, i am beginning again. Davening? Prayer is hard... but one day at a time...
     Wow, i never thought i'd be able to actually share myself here... i guess i do have another outlet :). Good to be able to talk out my thoughts. Thanks so much for your words and advice and care.

     Posted 3 years ago #

546. tryinghard
     Member

     I bought a lamp as a gift for someone. Can you ppl plz help me w/a poem? You're doing a good job....

     I would like s/t like... We should always give you naches that illuminates your heart.... wtvr, u know.... TIA

     Posted 3 years ago #

547. blabla
     Member

     a very short one from a long time ago:
     lost and uncertain,
     isolated, I moan,
     friendless and scraped,
     I'm feeling so alone.

     My cries pierce the air,
     my bellows oh so loud,
     I feel like I'm stuck
     in a giant gloomy cloud.

     Posted 3 years ago #

548. blabla
     Member

     9/11 a nice day?!

     I gaze out the window,
     the bus speeds by,
     the beautiful scenery,
     in relaxation I sigh.
     my eyes wonder about,
     the mountains catch my glimpse,
     rolling hills, lush green grass,
     in the air sailing some blimps.

     the breeze flies past,
     birds soaring in the sky,
     clear crisp blue sunny day,
     today I'm on a high.

     The atmosphere is peaceful,
     calm and so contempt,
     no reason to be mad,
     no reason to resent.

     The day suddenly shattered,
     on this crystal clear morning,
     switching from happiness,
     to gloom and lots of moarning.

     The plane slices the building,
     splits so many lives,
     killing oh so many,
     widowing innocent wives.

     Posted 3 years ago #

549. blabla
     Member

     Little does she know...
     how that stung me,
     sliced my heart,
     pierced my essence,
     tore my being,
     shattered my existence,
     Little does she know
     of my sensitive soul,
     the intricacies of my life,
     trauma of my childhood,
     bullying,
     verbal abuse,
     has this been done to her?
     why's she oblivious
     to the pain she's inflicted on me,
     to the tars she's brought down my cheek,
     my life's already upside down,
     feelings crushed,
     to the depth of my soul
     my once achieved confidence,
     thrust down bellow her dirty feet,
     trampled on,
     that hurt so badly,
     that was my teacher.

     Posted 3 years ago #

550. LSH
     Member

     Charan,
     Move On.
     Tried to make the move to Cna'an.
     Move On.
     So much to see.
     Believe.
     Write your song.
     Belong.
     Happy. Happy as can be.
     Happy.
     Happy.
     Move On.
     Your Song.
     Get Along.
     Move On.
     Move On.

     Posted 3 years ago #

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