Jokes

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  • #1202831

    feivel
    Participant

    Wait I’m confused, does that support me or you?

    #1202832

    feivel
    Participant

    I need a drink

    #1202833

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    since it was impossible for the first two to answer the question as referring to the group

    It was impossible in the affirmitive, but possible in the negative.

    L’chaim!

    #1202834

    feivel
    Participant

    Right, but as far as their assumption in interpreting the bartender’s question, they would certainly assume he would not ask them a question that they could answer only in the negative or with inherent uncertainly, thus eliminating the possibility of answering in the affirmative. And since the likelihood of each indeed wanting a drink was relatively high (being that they walked into a bar) he would be depriving himself of the profit. (Also assuming he had a personal interest in the profit (either as the owner or commission)

    DISCLAIMER: I understood what I said before I wrote it but I make no guarantees as to whether or not it makes sense after I wrote it.

    #1202835

    zichmich
    Member

    “But I’m a college graduate,” David replied indignantly.

    #1202837

    zichmich
    Member

    #1202838

    zichmich
    Member

    The editor of a small Israeli newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline:

    “HALF OF THE MEMBERS OF THE KNESSET ARE CROOKS.”

    Many of the Knesset members were outraged and exerted pressure on the editor to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:

    “HALF OF THE MEMBERS OF THE KNESSET ARE NOT CROOKS.”

    #1202839

    zichmich
    Member

    After a particularly inspiring service at Congregation Beth Israel, one of the congregants approached Rabbi Adler. “Rabbi, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published.”

    Rabbi Adler replied, “Actually, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously.”

    #1202840

    zichmich
    Member

    Mr. Rosenberg, a geometry teacher at Maimonides High School started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. “If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles.”

    He noticed that Chaim Yankel Rubenstein wasn’t taking notes and asked him why.

    “Well,” Chaim Yankel replied sincerely, “I was waiting for you to start speaking English.”

    #1202841

    zichmich
    Member

    Immediately Moishe piped up and said, “YES, I’m allergic to shots!”

    The Parrot that Teaches Hebrew

    David and Bernice are visiting Israel and are out for a stroll when they walk into a pet store and see a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg.

    David asks the store owner the significance of the strings.

    “And what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” asks David

    “I fall off my perch, Einstein!” squawks the parrot.

    #1202842

    zichmich
    Member

    Mary McDonough was at the airport in New York, scheduled to board an El Al plane to Israel to visit her husband Jim who was working for the United Nations for a few months in Tel Aviv. As she checked in, the El Al security agent pulled her aside to ask a few questions.

    “Does she like you?”

    #1202843

    Dave G
    Member

    “I told my wife that I am flying to Uman for Rosh Hashanah. She told me to daven for a good Shiduch!!..

    #1202844

    zichmich
    Member

    Shulem Hirsch is a polite but meticulous chassid living in the Tri-State area. While his new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before Shulem Hirsch was to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed. His wife Ruchel was starting to get concerned that the house would not be completed in time. However, on moving day, Ruchel and Shulem Hirsch found that their house was in perfect working order.

    Incredulous, Ruchel searched the house for the note. Posted prominently on the living room wall was a note which read: “After September 30th, all work will be supervised by our twelve children.”

    #1202845

    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel checked into a hotel for his first ever hotel stay. He goes up to his room and five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

    The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

    Chaim Yankel says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

    #1202846

    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe paid attention closely.

    #1202847

    zichmich
    Member

    A guide is showing a group of Israeli tourists the world famous Niagara Falls. “I’ll bet you don’t have anything like that in Israel!” said the tour guide.

    “You are right, we don’t,” said one Israeli. “But we’ve definitely got engineers who could fix it.”

    #1202848

    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel went to visit his dentist, Dr. Goldstein and sure enough, his candy habit had caught up to him.

    Chaim Yankel: And how much will it cost?

    Dr. Goldstein: It’s $150.00.

    Chaim Yankel: $150.00 for just a few minutes of work?!

    Dr. Goldstein: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

    #1202849

    zichmich
    Member

    Rachel Ginsberg called up a pet store and said, “Could you please send me ten thousand cockroaches.”

    “What in the world do you want with ten thousand cockroaches?” asked the clerk.

    “Well,” replied Rachel, “I am moving out of my Bronx apartment today and my lease says I have to leave the place in the same condition I found it.”

    #1202850

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Julius ceasar walks into a bar

    “I’d like a martinus please”

    The bartender says

    “you mean amartini”

    to which he responds

    “If I wanted two I would have asked for two”

    #1202851

    zichmich
    Member

    ”Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. ”Okay, Moishe. Tell me — what is on top of a house?”

    ”Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

    ”THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

    ”Okay, Moishe. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

    ”Ruff!”

    ”What the heck you tryin’ to pull, mister?” said the bartender.

    ”Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question. Okay, Moishe, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

    “Ruth.”

    The bartender had enough and picked up the guy and his dog and threw them onto the sidewalk outside of the bar.

    Moishe stands up and looks at his owner. “Wow. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

    #1202852

    zichmich
    Member

    Shloimie Zimmerman was driving one day with his 5 year old son Shmuli when he beeped his horn by mistake.

    Shmuli turned and looked at his father for an explanation.

    “Sorry, that was an accident,” said Shloimie

    #1202853

    zichmich
    Member

    Rachel: I just don’t understand the attraction golf holds for men.

    Leah: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

    Rachel: Well, I’m sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

    Leah: I thought I asked legitimate questions… like, “Why did you hit the ball into that lake?”

    #1202854

    zichmich
    Member

    A traffic cop on patrol one night in Boca Raton Florida, watching a 35-mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast-moving vehicle at 87 mph!

    The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

    To his surprise, the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old Jewish lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

    “I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” replied Mrs. Applebaum calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”

    Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35-mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”

    “Oh sure,” Mrs. Applebaum returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow its instruction.”

    Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

    “Just what sign are you talking about, ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.

    Smiling up at the officer, Mrs. Applebaum placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead,’ of course!”

    #1202855

    zichmich
    Member
    #1202856

    nachumberg
    Participant

    A blonde looks across the river & sees another blonde

    blonde#1: how’d you get to the other side

    blonde#2: your on the other side

    #1202857

    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel worked in the mailroom at a Wall Street Bank and somehow befriended one of the senior bankers, John Davies, who invited Chaim Yankel to his house for a drink. Walking through his posh residence, Davies pointed to his dining room table and said to Chaim Yankel proudly, “That table goes back to Louis the 14th.”

    “Oh, that’s nothing,” Chaim Yankel interjected. “My whole living-room set goes back to Target the 15th aisle.”

    #1202858

    zichmich
    Member

    Rabbi Epstein looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct multiple services not to mention that I gave a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”

    “Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

    #1202859

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, Were sitting on a bench in Central Park Having a serious conversation.

    “Gertrude,” Said Zelda, “I do not understand something. I have simply no appetite Lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite.”

    Gertrude Said, “Listen Zelda, my doctor, the lovely Doctor Myers ounce Told Me That if I did not-have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before meals and i would soon get an appetite. I tried it and it Was true. So take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you’ll see, you’ll Develop an appetite. ”

    A few days later the two meet again in the park.

    “Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?”

    Zelda sighed, “I Took your advice. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance so I ate six herrings.But Gertrude, your advice did not work for me. Would you believe, When lunch time cam, i had absolutely no appetite! “

    #1202860

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Back in Poland, in the shtetl, Rabbi Felder Sees a young farmer Struggling to reload cart that had lost its load of hay.

    “You look hot, young man,” Said the rabbi. “Why don’t you rest a moment And Then I’ll give you a hand?”

    “No, thanks,” Said the young boy. “My Father Would not like it.”

    “Do not be silly,” the rabbi said. “Everyone is Entitled to a break. Come, have a drink of water. & Rest in the shade.”

    Again the young man protested. “Oh, no, Rabbi. My Father Would Be real mad!”

    Losing His patience Said the rabbi, “Your father must be a real slave driver Tell Me Where I can find him. I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

    The young farmer Replied, “He’s right there under That pile of hay!”

    #1202861

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Morris realizes that he needs a hearing aid so he goes to Yitzchak’s Hearing Emporium to see what his options are.

    “How much do they cost?” Morris asks Yitzchak.

    “That depends,” Yitzchak says. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”

    “Let’s see the $2.00 model,” says Morris.

    Yitzchak puts the device around Morris’ neck. “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructs.

    “How does it work?” asks Morris.

    “For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” Yitzchak replies. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

    #1202862

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Moshe and Miriam got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Miriam absolutely crazy, and that was that no matter how many times she told Moshe how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.

    Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Moshe locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Moshe. Moshe was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock. Miriam was livid!

    #1202863

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Chaim Yankel is sitting alone at Yitz’s Deli when in walks his friend Moshe who takes one look at Chaim Yankel and asks what’s wrong.

    “Well,” said Chaim Yankel, “my wife asked me that famous question women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble at home.”

    “What kind of question?” asked Moshe.

    “She asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, wrinkly and has gained weight.”

    “That’s easy,” said Moshe. “You just say, ‘Of course I will.'”

    “Yeah,” said Chaim Yankel , “that’s what I meant to say, except I said, ‘Of course I DO…'”

    #1202864

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Rachel and Jacob Lowenthal had unfortunately been trying for a child for many years. One morning, Rachel woke up very early, took a home pregnancy test, and found out that she was expecting.

    “Jacob!” she yelled to her husband, “we’re going to have a baby!”

    “Great,” Jacob said and rolled over.

    “How can you go back to sleep?” Rachel asked incredulously.

    Muttering into his pillow, Jacob said, “I’m stocking up.”

    #1202865

    nachumberg
    Participant

    A group of senior IDF military officers were being given a tour at a new high tech military intelligence facility. Itzik, the intelligence officer hosting the tour said the computers in the facility were so secure that they were able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.

    Suddenly, Itzik saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, “There’s no drinking in this room! You have to get rid of that coffee.”

    Startled, the senior officer said, “OK, but why?”

    “Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboards!”

    #1202866

    nachumberg
    Participant

    During a pre-training exercise, a pilot in the Israeli Air Force approached the hangar in which his plane was being kept to perform some routine checks on his plane. Dudu, from Air Force security, stopped the pilot and asked to see his identification.

    “I don’t see why I have to show you my ID,” the pilot snapped. “After all, it is my plane.”

    “That may be true,” replied Dudu, “but it’s sitting in my garage!”

    #1202867

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Sid Schwartz is on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons.

    “So,” he says to them, “Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.

    “Sybil, you take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.

    “Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.

    “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

    The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Sid slips away, she says, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

    Sarah replies, “Property? The schlemiel had a paper route!”

    #1202868

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Rachel Epstein was working in the kitchen listening to her young son Little Moishe playing with his new electric train in the living room that his Bubby and Zaidy just bought him. Rachel heard the train stop and Little Moishe said, “All of you sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.”

    Rachel was shocked. “Moishe! We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

    Two hours later, Little Moishe came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and Rachel heard Little Moishe say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” Rachel hears Little Moishe continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

    As Rachel began to smile, Little Moishe added, “For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the bossy lady in the kitchen.”

    #1202869

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Moishe Miller was having some trouble in Hebrew class.

    To encourage him, his teacher Mrs. Shalva said, “You’ll know you’re really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in Hebrew.”

    One day, Moishe ran into class all excited, saying, “Mrs. Shalva! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in Hebrew!”

    “Great!” said Mrs. Shalva. “What were they saying?”

    “I don’t know,” Moishe replied; “I couldn’t understand them.”

    #1202870

    nachumberg
    Participant

    David and Betty Goldstein were backpacking around Israel for the summer. One day they went for a hike and started getting hungry and spotted a small restaurant on the side of the road.

    #1202871

    nachumberg
    Participant

    David Rosenberg, a collector of rare Jewish books ran into an old acquaintance named Chaim Yankel who told him he had just thrown away an old Hebrew Bible that he found in a dusty, old box.

    #1202872

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Moishe Mandelbaum was fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The head of the monastery warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which Moishe replied, “No problem. Anyway, I’m sick of talking.”

    Ten years went by, and the head of the monastery called for Moishe. He told him that he was a model resident and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, Moishe nodded and said, “Food cold.”

    Moishe was sent on his way. Ten years later, Moishe was brought before the head of the monastery again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. Moishe said, “Bed hard,” and was sent back to work.

    Another ten years went by, and again Moishe was called in for an audience, and he was allowed another two words. Moishe nodded and said, “I quit.”

    To this, the head of the monastery replied in a disgusted tone, “Doesn’t surprise me. Moishe Mandelbaum, ever since you got here, you’ve done nothing but complain.”

    #1202873

    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Nachumberg are you zichmich your jokes are just like his/her’s

    One joke was even the same one

    #1202874

    feivel
    Participant

    All those minimally funny jokes are copied from aishs website.

    #1202875

    DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    And where are the very funny ones from?

    #1202876

    Joseph
    Participant
    #1202877

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Leah Epstein invites some family and friends to dinner and at the table, she turns to her 6 year old daughter Rivkah and says, “Darling, don’t forget to make a bracha (blessing).”

    “But Mommy, I don’t know what bracha to say,” replies Rivkah.

    “All you need do,” says Leah, “is to repeat what you heard Mommy say.”

    Rivkah thinks for a moment and says, “God, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

    #1202878

    nachumberg
    Participant

    An elderly Jewish man was called to testify in court.

    “How old are you?” asked the District Attorney.

    “I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81.”

    “What was that?”

    “I said I am, kayn aynhoreh, 81 years old.”

    “Just answer the question!” yelled the DA, “How old are you!?”

    ” Kayn aynhoreh, 81,” the old man replied.

    The judge said, “The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!”

    The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, “Your Honor, may I ask?” He turned towards the old man and said, ” Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?”

    The old man replied, “Eighty-one.”

    #1202879

    nachumberg
    Participant

    An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he’s fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says, “You’re betraying your heritage and you’ll break your mother’s heart that you’re not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they’ll feel the same way and you’ll be ostracized in both camps.”

    The son reassures his father, “Don’t worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name.”

    “Really?” says the father. “What name?”

    The son answers, “Sitting Shiva.”

    #1202880

    nachumberg
    Participant

    A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer says, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”

    Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” He then says to the police officer, “No, officer; I was not gambling.”

    The officer then asks the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”

    After an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer; I was not gambling.”

    Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”

    Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, “With whom?”

    #1202881

    nachumberg
    Participant

    Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States — the first Jewish boy to reach the White House. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.

    Harry: Momma, guess what! I’ve just been elected president. Won’t you come to my inauguration?

    Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can’t face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.

    Harry: Momma! The President’s mother is not going to take the train! Air Force One will pick you up. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please…

    Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.

    Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. Please come.

    Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!

    Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s to make you look perfect. You must come!!

    Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.

    When Inauguration day comes, the President’s mother is seated in the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to be sworn in as the next President of the United States. His mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, “Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!”

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