Jokes

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Viewing 50 posts - 1,801 through 1,850 (of 2,018 total)
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  • #1202773
    zichmich
    Member

    One day, Chaim Yankel was trying to pull out of a parking place but to his horror, he hit the bumper of the car parked in front of him. To make matters worse, the incident was witnessed by a handful of people waiting for a bus.

    So Chaim Yankel got out of his car, inspected the damage carefully, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a note, which he then left under the wiper blade of the other car.

    #1202774
    zichmich
    Member
    #1202775
    zichmich
    Member
    #1202776
    zichmich
    Member
    #1202777
    👑RebYidd23
    Participant

    I burned over 300 calories on a short walk yesterday. I had left my pizza in the oven too long.

    #1202778
    showjoe
    Participant

    ???

    wow! chai x 100 posts on this thread! mazal tov!

    #1202779
    showjoe
    Participant

    ???

    wow! chai x 100 posts on this thread! mazal tov!

    #1202780
    zichmich
    Member

    Melvin Slippowitz used to say that he was the unluckiest person he knew. He had never won anything or had anything good happen to him in his entire life. Until now.

    Melvin was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.

    After studying them, the appraiser said, “Mr. Slippowitz, I have good news and I have bad news.”

    “What’s the good news?” Melvin asked.

    “The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso,” replied the appraiser.

    #1202781
    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe Rubinstein was driving to meet his friend Chaim for supper when he came to a bridge under construction. The road narrowed to one lane, with a red light at either end. He stopped at the red light on his side and when it turned green, he started driving again. Halfway through, he met another car coming towards him.

    The driver leaned out his window and shouted, “I don’t back up for idiots!”

    Putting his car into reverse, Moishe called back, “No problem; I do.”

    #1202783
    zichmich
    Member

    Congregation Beth Israel had a new rabbi who wanted to join the cantor and his choir for Shabbat morning services. After the first Shabbat service, Rabbi Epstein approached Cantor Rosenberg and said, “Those were some beautiful melodies this morning, Cantor. Tell me something, what key was I singing in?”

    Cantor Rosenberg responded dryly, “Most of them.”

    #1202784
    zichmich
    Member

    #1202787
    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Rosenberg had a great idea. He went down to the department of motor vehicles and asked to get a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it.

    A few hours later, the clerk recognized Chaim again waiting in my line. When his turn came, Chaim approached and said somewhat sheepishly, “I need to change the numbers on that plate application.”

    #1202789
    zichmich
    Member

    Rabbi Friedman asked one of his congregants, Esther, how things were going with her mother.

    #1202790
    zichmich
    Member
    #1202791
    zichmich
    Member

    “Sure,” Shmuli said, “but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”

    When Brent returned, his tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” Brent asked excitedly.

    “Fifteen dollars each.”

    “Who bought them?”

    “I did!”

    #1202792
    zichmich
    Member
    #1202793
    zichmich
    Member

    The Epsteins were mourning the passing of their beloved Bubbie Bayla. Bubbie Bayla always had a soft spot for Chaim Yankel, a perpetually unsuccessful businessman in their community who had recently opened a funeral home, so the Epsteins decided to give him the business.

    When it was time to settle the account, David Epstein marched into Chaim Yankel’s office, livid.

    “Calm down Mr. Epstein,” said Chaim Yankel. “You don’t need to get do upset!’

    “I don’t?” replied David Epstein. “Would you be upset if you received a bill from the funeral home, where on the bottom of the receipt it reads, ‘Thank you. Please come again'”?

    #1202794
    zichmich
    Member

    The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Epstein, our appointment was tomorrow.”

    #1202795
    zichmich
    Member

    A businessman flying first class on El Al sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke.

    Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: “Yeah, the service stinks!”

    Just then, the El Al flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, “Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings.”

    #1202796
    zichmich
    Member

    “Really?” says Herman.

    #1202797
    zichmich
    Member

    #1202798
    zichmich
    Member

    “I had to get to school early,” Solly said, “so I just ran.”

    #1202799
    zichmich
    Member

    At his 103rd birthday party, the Rubenstein family gathered around Zadie Hymie for cake and words of wisdom.

    “I certainly will,” Zadie replied.

    #1202800
    zichmich
    Member

    Moishe goes into a police station to report that his wife Rebecca is missing.

    Moishe: “I’ve lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.”

    Sergeant: “How tall is she, sir?”

    Sergeant: “And what about her build?”

    Sergeant: “What color are her eyes sir?”

    Sergeant: “And what about the color of her hair?”

    Moishe: “It changes all the time depending on what hairdresser she goes to.”

    Sergeant: “What clothes was she wearing when you last saw her?”

    Sergeant: “When she left to go shopping did she go by car?”

    Moishe: “Yes she did.”

    Sergeant: “And what is the make of the car?”

    Moishe: “It’s a high performance 560 HP Audi in a very special silver grey metallic paint. It has 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and a 6.35 litre V12 engine generating at least 460 HP. It has the Z51 Super Performance Package; larger than normal alloy wheels; GT bucket seats; Satellite Navigation with world-wide coverage, and Direct Injection. It also unfortunately has a very thin scratch on the front left door. And ………. “

    At this point, Moishe starts to cry.

    Sergeant: “Don’t worry sir…….We’ll find your car.”

    #1202801
    zichmich
    Member

    Miriam Epstein is making scrambled eggs when her husband Moishe bursts into the kitchen.

    Miriam turns to Moishe and asks, “What is wrong with you?”

    #1202802
    zichmich
    Member

    #1202803
    zichmich
    Member

    #1202804
    zichmich
    Member

    Precocious Little Moishie Goldberg was just starting fourth grade but went back to the third grade classroom for old time sake.

    “Hello Moishie,” said Mrs. Epstein, the third grade teacher.

    “Hello Mrs. Epstein,” he replied.

    “How’s fourth grade going?” she asked.

    “To be honest, I miss you,” said Moishie.

    “That’s sweet, Moishie, I miss you too,” Mrs. Epstein said.

    “You were a good teacher because you never had any favorites,” Moishe said.

    “Well I try to pride myself on my fairness,” replied Mrs. Epstein.

    “Exactly,” Moishie said. “You were mean to everyone.”

    #1202805
    zichmich
    Member

    Mrs. Rosenberg complained to her daughter’s teacher that someone in school was taking her daughter’s new pencils.

    “That’s terrible,” replied the teacher. “I can buy her some extras.”

    “Oh my goodness,” replied the teacher. “I heard that the board was cutting back on the principal’s salary, but he’s stealing pencils?!”

    #1202806
    zichmich
    Member

    Itzik sat down at a funky Tel Aviv restaurant asking for something from the lunch menu.

    Itzik thought it over and replied, “Do you have anything on the breakfast menu that tastes like lunch?”

    #1202809
    zichmich
    Member

    “I’m sorry,” says Moishe, “but this lovely, exquisite kiddush cup is now $350.”

    “I don’t believe it,” says Chaim Yankel. “How can that be? The remember the price tag said $300.”

    “Well,” replies Moishe, “The cost of labor has risen dramatically.”

    #1202810
    zichmich
    Member

    16 year old Shmuli Markowitz never misses an opportunity to remind his parents that he wants his own car. One morning as Mrs. Markowitz drove him to school, it was apparent that they would be late. Mrs. Markowitz asked Shmuli to write a note, which she would sign when they arrived.

    #1202811
    zichmich
    Member

    Chaim Yankel decided to try his hand at being a real estate agent and he was thrilled when he got his first listing. He wrote an ad for the house which had a beautiful second-floor in-law suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.

    The homeowners were upset that Chaim Yankel didn’t get them any showings and Chaim Yankel himself was confused so he showed them his advertisement. Trying to make the in-law suite sound enticing he wrote: “Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair.”

    #1202812
    zichmich
    Member

    A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.

    The priest says: “In our religion, life begins at conception.”

    The minister says: “We disagree. We believe that life begins when the fetus is viable outside of the mother’s womb.”

    The rabbi responds: “You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when all of the children are married off.”

    #1202813
    zichmich
    Member

    On his first day, he saw a fashionable lady in her early thirties approach him. With his manager watching the interaction, Chaim Yankel was determined to impress.

    #1202814
    zichmich
    Member

    “So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?” Moishe asked.

    “Great,” Miriam said. “But when I said I wanted to be eight again, I meant my dress size.”

    #1202816
    zichmich
    Member

    “Of course,” said the young rabbi grabbing his date book. “What day do you want?”

    #1202817
    zichmich
    Member

    During his talk, the captain asks, “OK, here’s an easy question for you. Suppose you saw an employee fall overboard. What should you do?”

    David, one of the employees, puts his hand up and replies, “I would shout out loud, “MAN OVERBOARD, MAN OVERBOARD.”

    “Correct,” says the captain. “And what would you do if you saw it was one of your managers that had just fallen overboard?”

    Always honest, David replies, “It would depend on which manager.”

    #1202818
    ED IT OR
    Participant

    Jokes

    This ones funny.

    #1202819

    3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks them, “would you all like a drink?”

    The first one says “I don’t know.”

    The second says “I’m also unsure.”

    The third says “yes.”

    #1202820
    feivel
    Participant

    The first two were certainly correct.

    The third one drew an unsubstantiated conclusion which may or not be correct.

    #1202821
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The third one was also correct.

    #1202822
    feivel
    Participant

    He had no knowledge of whether or not they wanted a drink.

    Had the first one wanted a drink he would have responded to the question: “I’m not sure”.

    And had he not wanted a drink he would have responded also; “I’m not sure”

    #1202824
    feivel
    Participant

    It’s true the third one MIGHT be correct. But he might also be incorrect.

    (Unless you know those guys.)

    #1202825
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Had the first or second not wanted a drink, the answer to the question, “would you all like a drink?” would have been, “no”.

    #1202826
    feivel
    Participant

    You’re wrong!!!

    I DO know the first two guys. They were very poor logicians.

    #1202827
    feivel
    Participant

    Besides, they were in Alabama and certainly would have interpreted “you all” as in “y’all” which implies he was asking them individually.

    #1202828
    feivel
    Participant

    It will be a cold day in December, Daas Yochid, when your logical mind surpasses mine.

    #1202829
    feivel
    Participant

    Admit defeat now and you will not have to suffer further humiliation.

    #1202830
    feivel
    Participant

    Your times up.

    If they were good logicians, since it was impossible for the first two to answer the question as referring to the group, they would have assumed the bartender was using the language colloquially, and asking them individually. Therefore the third WAS correct.

Viewing 50 posts - 1,801 through 1,850 (of 2,018 total)
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