The Pun Thread

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    Gummy Bear

    I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

    Gummy Bear

    A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.


    Gummy: ROTFL!!!! Where’d you GET ’em???


    you PARK your car in a DRIVEway but DRIVE on a street called a PARKway


    okay, this is not a pun but i love it

    Due to the recession, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off….:)

    am yisrael chai

    This thread is hilarious!

    Puns for Educated Minds

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for


    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

    seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

    21.A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

    stewardess looked at him and said, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The

    other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

    Shticky Guy

    Oh I so did not want to post here when I saw that am yisrael chai was the last poster. Why remove his name from the last poster column. But here goes:

    I used to think very highly of russian dolls, but now I think they are very full of themselves.


    7 days without G-d makes us “weak”

    Sin day

    Mourn day

    Tears day

    Waste day

    Thirst day

    Shatter day


    Ken Zayn

    Blinky very sweet but you only wrote 6 of the days of the week. The one you missed out you could have called Frei day (as in a frei yid)


    Whoops, thanx for catching my “weak”ness!

    Its Fight day

    Shticky Guy

    If a judge likes the sound of his own voice you can expect a long sentence

    Dalmation dogs were first spotted in 1763

    I’m reading a book on anti gravity force. I just cant put it down

    Police were called to a day care where a 3 year old was resisting a rest

    I could not remember how to throw a boomerang successfully. Eventually it came back to me

    Accupuncture is a jab well done

    The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now completely recovered

    🍫Syag Lchochma

    Choni hamaagel slept for one hundred years. The rest, they say, is history.


    did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?she got fired cause she couldnt control her pupils!

    Shticky Guy

    The inventor of the ballet skirt was

    struggling for a name, until he finally put tu and tu together.

    How long does it take to shoot an apple off someone’s head with a bow and arrow?

    Time Will Tell.


    When i backed into the meat grinder yesterday at my butcher shop, I got a little behind in my work!


    9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.

    Whoever wrote it — nice change. I saw the original!

    Shticky Guy

    If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster

    It’s a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you

    No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation

    The indecisive rower couldn’t choose

    either oar

    A cardboard belt would be a waist of


    If you wear a blindfold at the shooting

    range, you won’t know what you’re


    Old colanders never die, they just

    can’t take the strain anymore

    I dropped out of my communism

    class because of lousy Marx

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like

    a banana

    My new theory on inertia doesn’t

    seem to be gaining momentum

    It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

    Alcohol and calculus don’t mix so don’t drink and derive

    Henceforth, cannibalistic Jews shall

    be referred to as “The Snackabees”

    I usually take steps to avoid elevators

    The royal pharmacist wore a tuxedo

    and dispensed with formality

    I got a gold filling and put my money

    where my mouth is

    frummy in the tummy

    She wears a size 16 because she just ate and ate.

    The woman kept her purse open because she heard there would be some change in the weather.

    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “So what’s with the long face?”

    I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in.

    The actor playing the astronaut was killed by a shooting star.

    Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”


    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

    Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

    I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

    I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

    Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

    Ken Zayn

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

    Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

    When chemists die, apparently they barium.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    Why were the Indians able to settle in North America first? They had reservations.

    We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro – what a rip off!

    Ken Zayn

    During the war, my grandfather refused to fight in windy countries. He was a draft dodger.

    I’m often asked what makes a good tongue-twister. Well, it’s hard to say.

    If you want to work for a company that makes moisturizer, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

    I thought my friend would be mad when I switched his Chapstick with my glue stick. But so far he hasn’t said a word.

    My psychologist thinks I have a superiority complex, but I’m better than that.


    Ken Zayn, those were a hoot.


    “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?” – “Because it was two tired”

    A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

    Git Meshige

    Geremany was Hungry had a little Turkey, slipped on some Greace and broke a little China


    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very

    little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered

    from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s

    good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



    One day the Duchess of Bialy woke up and decided that more than anything in the world, she wanted to be a cauliflower. She went to the royal witch and said “turn me into a cauliflower!”. The witch, who understood this deep need to be a cauliflower, nodded solemnly and said she would do it, but that the Duchess should know once she was transformed there was no returning to human form.

    “That’s fine by me!” said the Duchess..for she really truly wanted to be a cauliflower.

    There was a poof! and the Duchess was changed.

    One day this cauliflower is walking down the street and sees a young boy standing in the middle of the road and he is completely oblivious to a giant truck speeding right towards him. The cauliflower leaps to the boy’s rescue, scoops him up, deposits him safely next to his panicked mother, and then runs away.

    The boy looks up at his mother in shock and awe and asks “Mom, who was that?!”

    “Don’t you know my son?” she replied, “That was super cauliflower ex-Bialy Duchess”.

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