Dear Fellow Rabbanim and Askanim,
I write to you with a heavy heart, on behalf of Yidden around the world. As I speak to my tzibur about growth, about drawing closer to Hashem, and about resisting the overwhelming gashmiyus that surrounds us, I feel that I can no longer remain silent.
The extravagance at our simchas has reached a frightening level. Weddings, vorts and vort nachs, brissim, bar mitzvahs — even parties for three-year-olds — have become productions of excess. How low have we fallen? How far have we drifted from where we are meant to be?
Under the chuppah, we sing about the Beis Hamikdash. We break a glass to remember Yerushalayim. And moments later, we spend fortunes to display wealth and status. Do we truly want Mashiach? Are we prepared to surrender our money and our kavod? Or are we fooling ourselves?
Halacha does not justify wastefulness simply because one also gives tzedakah. In our own kehillos are families who cannot pay tuition, who struggle to prepare for Shabbos, who desperately need help. Before justifying another extravagant event, look around at the people sitting beside you in shul.
I beg my fellow Rabbanim: speak up. Call this behavior out. Do not legitimize it with your presence. We must restore dignity, modesty, and proper priorities to our simchas.
We are Hashem’s chosen children. Let us live like it.
A concerned Rav
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15 Responses
prepared to surrender our money and our kavod???
What is the point of this article exactly?
Where do you draw the line between a beautiful bekovodige chasuna and “wastefulness?”
If we add a piece of meat to each plate is that wasteful?
If we have a chasuna at the Palace in Boro Park because we want everything on the main floor with no elevators required is that overdoing it?
What does it mean to fargin?
If someone makes a lot of money BH BH and gives 20%, they can’t spend it? What if they give 50? Can they enjoy a little then?
Perhaps Hashem should test you with wealth and let’s see what happens.
Well everyone thought COVID would change things. How sweet the weddings on streets where neighbors stood on porches singing along at small weddings with immediate families. And then everything went back to normal. Presents for tens of thousands of dollars before weddings. Silver large menorahs,silver esrog boxes,silver bechers,silver leichters,silver embroidery challah covers with silver challah knives,expensive leather Machzirim, Rolex watches braclets etc
5 to 10 piece bands. Several big name singers. Average wedding 120 or more thousand dollars. Crazy upgrades. Everything adds up. Then comes furniture etc. streimels five to eight thousand dollars. Where are we heading.
It took Raban Gamliel making a personal example of himself to end the terrible pressure of “respectable burial shrouds.”
This insanity will not end so long as our “leadership” continues not only to condone, but to indulge in luxury, even if it is on someone else’s dime.
The writer, although well intentioned , is simply
Living in LA LA land….
Or maybe he is just disgruntled that he wasn’t invited to the 10 million Morrocan affair
Can people stop blaming problems on the Rabbi‘s? The issue is not lavish simchas. The issue is people that do not the money making lavish simchas. People do not know how to live in their budget. Every person on their own has to change things for themselves, not for the neighbors. And not ask for their neighbor to change. People that have the funds can make whatever party they want (and btw usually they are supporting jewish businesses in the process).
@BaltimoreMaven:
“If someone makes a lot of money BH BH and gives 20%, they can’t spend it? What if they give 50%? Can they enjoy a little then?”
Actually, if you ask your LOR, you might get an answer very different than what you seem to be implying.
“Perhaps Hashem should test you with wealth and let’s see what happens.”
If that psak is that you are essentially Hashem’s treasurer to distribute that money, then it is indeed a big test.
I tried to call out to my Rav when he went over the top on his own son’s aufruf. He did not appreciate the mussar. He told me to mind my own business. I explained to him that when a public community figure makes a public affair for the whole community to see, it affects everyone. That is my business.
No name? Might as well have signed off “a concerned gadol hador”…
You are complaining about extravagances at simchas, What about every day extravagances like driving late model cars?! Rabbanim and Askanim must forbid buying or leasing late model cars. Anything newer than 3 years must be prohibited. There is zero need for it! It just creates pressure on others to get newer and newer cars. It is such a bad look that bnei Torah are driving new cars while adhering to pas b’menach tochal, v’al ha’aretz tishon.
The Rabbonim shlita spoke and wrote and issued a Kol Korei against all this over 25 years ago.
What more do you want from them? They already did all they could.
You are complaining about extravagances at simchas, What about every day extravagances like driving late model cars?! Rabbanim and Askanim must forbid buying or leasing late model cars. Anything newer than 3 years must be prohibited. There is zero need for it! It just creates pressure on others to get newer and newer cars. It is such a bad look that bnei Torah are driving new cars while adhering to pas b’melach tochal, v’al ha’aretz tishon.
Why do Rabbonim and Askonim have to decide what you can afford?
If you go to a Rav to handle your taxes, tzedaka obligations and your debts, I’m sure he’ll give his opinion on how much you can afford to spend. And maybe he’ll suggest how you can save money too.
Oh. Wait. That’s your Investment Broker.
Confusing.
@BaltimoreMaven,
If you haven’t got the point of th article, read it again with the other comments here, it is quite clear, no one is saying someone can’t spend their money, just the amount of peer pressure and style of it, which does not come from within our communities, it is a goyish way/style, is getting worse and worse, with each ba’al simcha having the immense pressure to outdo his ‘counterpart’, whether it is to get the pshhhh and wooo in shul the next day, or from Rabbanim who come to the simcha and say, what a lovely simcha such kavod hatorah! (how many times do you hear this??), or for any other ego building reason (sorry to say it so open).
@Cholent18,
Mr Sheiner does a lot a lot of chesed, and reserves the right to display what he wants, but this has nothing to do with it, and gas lighting comments like the one you made is nothing short of ignorant, I’m sorry.
The writer writes about a very real issue, one that causes ba’alei simcha to fall into depression, suffer heart attacks, strokes and more, haya lo tihiye.
The one who lives in la la land, is the one who knows about this very big elephant in the room, and the second someone mentions it, tries to shut them down and tell them not to address it…..
You know what I told my friends before they got married? I said don’t spend too much because your average guest is pretty much dying to leave the moment he shows up, or calculating when it’s acceptable for him to leave without being offensive. The stuff is a boring waste of time. You’ll look at the photo album once every 20 years and I don’t remember anyone ever leaving the wedding and talking about it ever again, that’s how mundane and repetitive it is. So save your money
The Vaad Arba Aratzos was gozer gezeiros on Simchos as they saw fit. Its a repeating theme throughout our history and it needs to be done as needed.