February 17, 2009 6:50 am at 6:50 am #1172387
qwertyuiop: nice gun there buddy!!! is it a 9mm???February 17, 2009 7:16 am at 7:16 am #1172388
asdfghjkl: yup, but i was thinking of buying a rifle, but i didn’t really like them.$February 17, 2009 3:02 pm at 3:02 pm #1172389
You guys want an AK47. I use it for my pigeon hunting! Just kidding…February 17, 2009 3:37 pm at 3:37 pm #1172390
I just received the following text-
I value your friendship so much that if we were both in a sinking lifeboat with only one life belt- I’d really miss you!February 17, 2009 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #1172391
it looks like a glock- where did you get one?February 17, 2009 6:48 pm at 6:48 pm #1172392
noitallmr: your so not kidding, i bet you in the U.K actually go pigeon hunting!!!!
qwertyuiop: 9mm’s are my favorite!!!!February 17, 2009 8:26 pm at 8:26 pm #1172395
Ya know something asdfghjkl? You have a fair point- I wouldn’t put it past myself!February 17, 2009 8:34 pm at 8:34 pm #1172396
Asdfghjkl I shot a rifle and 9mm in israel this summer!!!!!!!!!!!February 17, 2009 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #1172398
noitallmr: i know, i could so see you shooting pigeons!!!February 17, 2009 8:59 pm at 8:59 pm #1172399
asdfghjkl- I’ll take that as a compliment pal!February 17, 2009 9:01 pm at 9:01 pm #1172400
syriansephardi: cool!!!! fun!!!February 17, 2009 9:23 pm at 9:23 pm #1172401
noitallmr: yeah as a compliment pal!!!February 18, 2009 9:57 pm at 9:57 pm #1172403
noitall: where did you get one? arent the laws too difficult for that?February 19, 2009 2:02 am at 2:02 am #1172404
A visit to the butcher
-Top Ten Pirchei Avos at Work
10. the work world stands on three “T” things: 1) timesheets 2) to-do lists 3) time-off
9. Say little and email a lot.
8. Do not work on the hopes of receiving a bonus. Let the fear of layoffs be upon you
7. Let your office be a meeting room for the higher-ups. Sit in the back and drink their every word, then send out a conference report immediately after.
6. Make for yourself a boss, take your coworker to lunch, and judge everyone towards merit
5. Be like Human Resources, loving peace and pursuing peace
4. How your boss takes credit: What is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine.
3. Do not judge your fellow until you are in his place….unless it’s his annual review.
2. If not now, when? Sorry, it’s 5-o’clock will worry about it tomorrow.
1. Who is a Wealthy Man? Check ForbesFebruary 19, 2009 2:03 am at 2:03 am #1172405
Yeshivish Driver’s License Application
Boro Park DMV
Please answer the following questions IN ENGLISH to the best of your ability.
No yiddish responses.
Last name*: ________________
*if you go by your last name as your first name(ie, Goldberg) then write the other name.
* If longer than 15 characters, shorten it already
First name:____________ ben ___________
[_] Chaim Yosef [_] Sarah Leah
[_] Yosef Chaim [_] Racheli Leah
[_] Yosef Chaim Yossie [_] Leah Leah
[_] Menachem Mendel [_] Bracha Bina
[_] Yizchak Isaac [_] Bina Bracha Tova
[_] Dov Bear [_] Chava Nagila
[_] Sid/Lou/Max [_] Sarah Rivka Rachel Leah
Middle Name: _____ (If you have more than 5 middle names, leave blank)
Hebrew Birthday ________
Secular Birthday (‘summer’ is not an answer) _____
Age: ____ (if unsure or don’t want kids/wife to know, leave blank or scribble)
Names of connections you have at DMV/City Hall:
_______ _______ ________
_______ _______ ________
Do you drive with a hat or shaitel on? _____
Hat Size/Maker: ____/______
While waiting at a red light, do you:
___ learn – if yes, what sefer/daf?_____
___adjust shaitel/ make-up
___daven (women only)
___ talk to your mother – if yes, what topic: (shopping, gossip, weddings, what to wear)
___ talk to your rebbe – if yes, what topic: (halachic shaiyla, relationship, money, halachos of dating and money, shul politics)
Spouse’s Name: ______________________ bas________
Shver’s Name/Address/Fax: __________________
Shver’s occupation/ salary for you: __________________
Rebbe’s Name: _______________________
(Lenient) Rebbe’s Name: ___________________
Yichus: ___________________ ______ _______ ______
Yeshivos your learned by _______________ _____ _____ _____ (4 max)
Award honors from shu/yeshiva: _________________ year______
[_] Hocker (cellphones)[_] Diamonds (Belgium/Tel Aviv) [_] Accounting [_] Import/Export Wholesale [_] Rabbi/Teacher [_] Rebbetzin/Therapist [_] CEO (uknown industry) [_] Father-In-Law’s Biz [_] Social Work [_] Lawyer/Rabbi [_] Doctor
[_] Son is a doctor
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of anacles living in Israel: ___
Number of grandchildren living in household: ___
Number of bochurim staying by you for the yeshiva_____
Number of kiddushes sponsored by you (shalosh seudos included)____
Education: 6,7,8 (Circle highest grade completed before going to learn full-time)
If higher education what was your major?
[_] 9th grade [_] 10th grade
Do you [_] Own [_] Rent your mobile phone? What kind and how much do you pay per month______ /$_______
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of carpools your drive daily
___ Total number of vehicles you borrow from your neighbor to do errands before shabbos
___ Number of station wagons you have at the garage
___ Total number of convertibles you’ve rented when visiting a hot place (LA, Florida, Vegas) for a chasunah
___ Number of SUVs you own
___ Number of Uncle Moshe tapes you have in front seat
___ Number of Loshon Hora bumper stickers
___ Number of Golan bumper stickers
___ Number of times you’ve wanted to kill Kivi and Tooky
___ Number of Chus-Bus trips you take a week
What camps did you goto (Mogen Av/Sternberg only.) ______ _______
you will recieve further correspondence and discounts from our business partners/relatives? Yes? K, now take a number and wait online. have a good shabbos.Next.February 19, 2009 2:11 am at 2:11 am #1172406
BasYisroel: it’s nice, you’re back with the humor.$February 19, 2009 6:23 am at 6:23 am #1172407
BasYisroel2: ha ha the dmv ones were awesome!!! thanx!!!February 20, 2009 4:41 am at 4:41 am #1172408
A guy goes to the airport an goes to the desk and says I want this suitcase to go to paris this one to rome this bo to israel this to hawaii and this bag to Honkong she says to him sorry sir we can’t do that. he asks why not you did that last timeFebruary 20, 2009 6:10 am at 6:10 am #1172409
hey i just noticed the joke of the day on the home page, it’s really funny!!! go ck it out everyone!!!February 20, 2009 6:14 am at 6:14 am #1172410
i have a real funny humorous idea to tell:
so last night i was in da cr at 2am, (with no mods), reading thru areivim’s amazing posts to moish!!! i was holding a 160z glass of freezing, cold water in my hand while reading his posts!! all the sudden the glass just slipped out of my hand, & all 16oz of water landed on me!!! the glass shaddered to pieces!! i was drenched thru & thru!!! thank yous go to areivim & moish for that one!!!February 20, 2009 5:48 pm at 5:48 pm #1172411
asdfg- get a grip… on the glass 😉February 20, 2009 6:34 pm at 6:34 pm #1172412
don’t blame it on me – it’s areivim’s fault. he’s the one with the heavy posts.February 20, 2009 7:41 pm at 7:41 pm #1172413
areivimzehlazeh: ha thanx buddy!!!February 20, 2009 7:56 pm at 7:56 pm #1172414
ames: ha thank go-d no one heard it!!!
moish: yeah it was more areivim’s fault!!! but his posts were awesome!!!February 20, 2009 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #1172415
asdfghjkl: i have 1 word for you, K-L-U-T-Z.$ 🙂February 22, 2009 2:38 am at 2:38 am #1172419
ames: ha thanx!!! i would never wake the hired help up to do anything for me!!!February 22, 2009 6:08 am at 6:08 am #1172421
Ames: even though I know ur kidding- billionare, millionare, reg guy, wouldn’t go wakin up the cleaning help for that, if ya no what I mean lol and asdfghjkl that’s prety funny!!February 22, 2009 10:12 am at 10:12 am #1172422
this used to be a humor thread. it seems theres been some sort of identity crisis thoughFebruary 22, 2009 3:13 pm at 3:13 pm #1172423
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________February 22, 2009 4:17 pm at 4:17 pm #1172424
nice, joFebruary 22, 2009 4:49 pm at 4:49 pm #1172425
Lol joseph I read most of those in the community magazineFebruary 22, 2009 6:26 pm at 6:26 pm #1172426
joseph: ha good ones!!!February 23, 2009 12:21 am at 12:21 am #1172427
Nine Words Women Use
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying &*^$ YOU!
9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.
hey moderator, i think this is pretty kosher, but if there’s one or two you don’t like just take them out – don’t delete the whole thing, ok?
as qwertyuiop says: thanks in advance!February 23, 2009 1:31 am at 1:31 am #1172428
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudiying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
After recieving this letter, the father immediately replied back.
i kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forgot that the pursuit of kNOwlegde is a NOble task, and that you van never study eNOugh.
Your well-kNOwn dad.
~a~February 23, 2009 1:33 am at 1:33 am #1172429
anonymisss, i KNEW i missed you while you were gone… great one there!February 23, 2009 2:08 am at 2:08 am #1172430
anonymisss: ha great one!!!February 23, 2009 2:35 am at 2:35 am #1172431
an open bookParticipant
anonymisss: that was cuteFebruary 23, 2009 3:02 am at 3:02 am #1172432
anonymiss & joseph: haha!$February 23, 2009 4:54 am at 4:54 am #1172433
moish, I like those nine words. I can definitely identify…
~a~February 23, 2009 5:15 am at 5:15 am #1172434
A linguistic professor was lecturing English class one day. “In English”, he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there’s no language where a double positive can form a negative”.
A voice from the back of the class piped up, “Yeah, right”
~a~February 23, 2009 5:18 am at 5:18 am #1172435
anonymisss – THAT was a good oneFebruary 23, 2009 5:24 am at 5:24 am #1172436
moish: ha i liked it!!!! good one buddy!!!February 23, 2009 5:50 am at 5:50 am #1172437
anonymisss: good one there!!!February 23, 2009 5:53 am at 5:53 am #1172438
anonymisss btw welcome back because I dont think I ever gave you a proper one and both of those were great!!!February 23, 2009 5:56 am at 5:56 am #1172439
anonymisss: i’d like to welcome back your humor.$February 23, 2009 3:14 pm at 3:14 pm #1172440
moish01 and anonymisss
Those where great!February 23, 2009 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #1172441
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”.
The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
~a~February 23, 2009 3:33 pm at 3:33 pm #1172442
B’reishis – In the beginning,
Noach lech – Noach went
Vayayroh Chayay Soroh – and he saw Chaya Soroh.
Toldos – He checked out the yichus
Vayaitzay – and they went out.
Vayishlach – They didn’t like each other, so they sent each other away..
Vayaishev – The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.
Mikaitz – In the end,
Vayigash – they got close
Vay’chi – and they lived happily ever after.February 23, 2009 4:12 pm at 4:12 pm #1172443
Top ten ways you know you are on a bad date:
10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl
9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know
8. That’s so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.
7. I now realize that “being set up” can mean two different things.
6. I’ll just spell “help” out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.
5. I miss work.
4. Yisurin shel ahava… Yisurin shel ahava
3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?
2. This girl/guy puts the “uch” in shidduch.
1. I will never ever trust my mother again
Top ten signs you are in Brooklyn:
10. You find yourself waiting on line to get into ‘standing room only’ at Dougie’s on Motzai Shebbos.
9. There are no Starbucks or Barnes & Nobles in sight. There are, however, 5 kosher pizza places within a three block radius.
8. The “Kosher Gym”- need I say more?
7. The only person to respond to your “Good Shabbos’s” is the guy asking for change on the corner.
6. Every other car on the street is a BMW/ Lexus leased from “Malcar”.
5. There are at least three shuls/shteibel’s on every block, but the one you daven at, is five blocks away from your house.
4. You can find a maariv minyan at 12:27 a.m., and then satisfy your midnight craving at Bissele’s the Shnitzel king or Deli 52.
3. Every bakery/ and restaurant requires at least three hashgacha’s.
2. Finding a parking spot on Ave. J or 13th Ave on a Friday afternoon is your week’s biggest triumph.
1. Chicago? Is that the state near Baltimore?February 24, 2009 1:15 am at 1:15 am #1172444
A husband and wife were in a fight and not talking to each other. They were driving down a country road and they passed by a barnyard full of pigs and the likes.
“Relatives of yours?” asked the husband.
“Yup,” she replied, “in-laws”
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