A Humorous Item

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Viewing 50 posts - 751 through 800 (of 2,008 total)
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  • #1172387

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    qwertyuiop: nice gun there buddy!!! is it a 9mm???

    #1172388

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    asdfghjkl: yup, but i was thinking of buying a rifle, but i didn’t really like them.$

    #1172389

    noitallmr
    Participant

    You guys want an AK47. I use it for my pigeon hunting! Just kidding…

    #1172390

    noitallmr
    Participant

    I just received the following text-

    I value your friendship so much that if we were both in a sinking lifeboat with only one life belt- I’d really miss you!

    #1172391

    it looks like a glock- where did you get one?

    #1172392

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    noitallmr: your so not kidding, i bet you in the U.K actually go pigeon hunting!!!!

    qwertyuiop: 9mm’s are my favorite!!!!

    #1172395

    noitallmr
    Participant

    Ya know something asdfghjkl? You have a fair point- I wouldn’t put it past myself!

    #1172396

    Asdfghjkl I shot a rifle and 9mm in israel this summer!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1172398

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    noitallmr: i know, i could so see you shooting pigeons!!!

    #1172399

    noitallmr
    Participant

    asdfghjkl- I’ll take that as a compliment pal!

    #1172400

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    syriansephardi: cool!!!! fun!!!

    #1172401

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    noitallmr: yeah as a compliment pal!!!

    #1172403

    noitall: where did you get one? arent the laws too difficult for that?

    #1172404

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    A visit to the butcher

    -Top Ten Pirchei Avos at Work

    10. the work world stands on three “T” things: 1) timesheets 2) to-do lists 3) time-off

    9. Say little and email a lot.

    8. Do not work on the hopes of receiving a bonus. Let the fear of layoffs be upon you

    7. Let your office be a meeting room for the higher-ups. Sit in the back and drink their every word, then send out a conference report immediately after.

    6. Make for yourself a boss, take your coworker to lunch, and judge everyone towards merit

    5. Be like Human Resources, loving peace and pursuing peace

    4. How your boss takes credit: What is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine.

    3. Do not judge your fellow until you are in his place….unless it’s his annual review.

    2. If not now, when? Sorry, it’s 5-o’clock will worry about it tomorrow.

    1. Who is a Wealthy Man? Check Forbes

    #1172405

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    Yeshivish Driver’s License Application

    Boro Park DMV

    Please answer the following questions IN ENGLISH to the best of your ability.

    No yiddish responses.

    Last name*: ________________

    *if you go by your last name as your first name(ie, Goldberg) then write the other name.

    * If longer than 15 characters, shorten it already


    First name:____________ ben ___________

    [_] Chaim Yosef [_] Sarah Leah

    [_] Yosef Chaim [_] Racheli Leah

    [_] Yosef Chaim Yossie [_] Leah Leah

    [_] Menachem Mendel [_] Bracha Bina

    [_] Yizchak Isaac [_] Bina Bracha Tova

    [_] Dov Bear [_] Chava Nagila

    [_] Sid/Lou/Max [_] Sarah Rivka Rachel Leah

    Middle Name: _____ (If you have more than 5 middle names, leave blank)


    Hebrew Birthday ________

    Secular Birthday (‘summer’ is not an answer) _____

    Age: ____ (if unsure or don’t want kids/wife to know, leave blank or scribble)


    Names of connections you have at DMV/City Hall:

    _______ _______ ________

    _______ _______ ________


    Do you drive with a hat or shaitel on? _____

    Hat Size/Maker: ____/______

    While waiting at a red light, do you:

    ___ learn – if yes, what sefer/daf?_____

    ___adjust shaitel/ make-up

    ___daven (women only)

    ___ talk to your mother – if yes, what topic: (shopping, gossip, weddings, what to wear)

    ___ talk to your rebbe – if yes, what topic: (halachic shaiyla, relationship, money, halachos of dating and money, shul politics)


    Spouse’s Name: ______________________ bas________

    Shver’s Name/Address/Fax: __________________

    Shver’s occupation/ salary for you: __________________

    Rebbe’s Name: _______________________

    (Lenient) Rebbe’s Name: ___________________

    Yichus: ___________________ ______ _______ ______

    Yeshivos your learned by _______________ _____ _____ _____ (4 max)

    Award honors from shu/yeshiva: _________________ year______


    Occupation:

    [_] Hocker (cellphones)[_] Diamonds (Belgium/Tel Aviv) [_] Accounting [_] Import/Export Wholesale [_] Rabbi/Teacher [_] Rebbetzin/Therapist [_] CEO (uknown industry) [_] Father-In-Law’s Biz [_] Social Work [_] Lawyer/Rabbi [_] Doctor

    [_] Son is a doctor


    Number of children living in household: ___

    Number of anacles living in Israel: ___

    Number of grandchildren living in household: ___

    Number of bochurim staying by you for the yeshiva_____

    Number of kiddushes sponsored by you (shalosh seudos included)____


    Education: 6,7,8 (Circle highest grade completed before going to learn full-time)

    If higher education what was your major?

    [_] 9th grade [_] 10th grade

    Do you [_] Own [_] Rent your mobile phone? What kind and how much do you pay per month______ /$_______


    ___ Total number of vehicles you own

    ___ Number of carpools your drive daily

    ___ Total number of vehicles you borrow from your neighbor to do errands before shabbos

    ___ Number of station wagons you have at the garage

    ___ Total number of convertibles you’ve rented when visiting a hot place (LA, Florida, Vegas) for a chasunah

    ___ Number of SUVs you own

    ___ Number of Uncle Moshe tapes you have in front seat

    ___ Number of Loshon Hora bumper stickers

    ___ Number of Golan bumper stickers

    ___ Number of times you’ve wanted to kill Kivi and Tooky

    ___ Number of Chus-Bus trips you take a week


    What camps did you goto (Mogen Av/Sternberg only.) ______ _______


    you will recieve further correspondence and discounts from our business partners/relatives? Yes? K, now take a number and wait online. have a good shabbos.Next.

    #1172406

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    BasYisroel: it’s nice, you’re back with the humor.$

    #1172407

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    BasYisroel2: ha ha the dmv ones were awesome!!! thanx!!!

    #1172408

    goody613
    Member

    A guy goes to the airport an goes to the desk and says I want this suitcase to go to paris this one to rome this bo to israel this to hawaii and this bag to Honkong she says to him sorry sir we can’t do that. he asks why not you did that last time

    #1172409

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    hey i just noticed the joke of the day on the home page, it’s really funny!!! go ck it out everyone!!!

    #1172410

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    i have a real funny humorous idea to tell:

    so last night i was in da cr at 2am, (with no mods), reading thru areivim’s amazing posts to moish!!! i was holding a 160z glass of freezing, cold water in my hand while reading his posts!! all the sudden the glass just slipped out of my hand, & all 16oz of water landed on me!!! the glass shaddered to pieces!! i was drenched thru & thru!!! thank yous go to areivim & moish for that one!!!

    #1172411

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    asdfg- get a grip… on the glass 😉

    #1172412

    moish01
    Member

    don’t blame it on me – it’s areivim’s fault. he’s the one with the heavy posts.

    #1172413

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    areivimzehlazeh: ha thanx buddy!!!

    #1172414

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    ames: ha thank go-d no one heard it!!!

    moish: yeah it was more areivim’s fault!!! but his posts were awesome!!!

    #1172415

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    asdfghjkl: i have 1 word for you, K-L-U-T-Z.$ 🙂

    #1172419

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    ames: ha thanx!!! i would never wake the hired help up to do anything for me!!!

    #1172421

    Ames: even though I know ur kidding- billionare, millionare, reg guy, wouldn’t go wakin up the cleaning help for that, if ya no what I mean lol and asdfghjkl that’s prety funny!!

    #1172422

    kapusta
    Participant

    this used to be a humor thread. it seems theres been some sort of identity crisis though

    #1172423

    Joseph
    Participant

    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

    MARIA: Here it is.

    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

    CLASS: Maria.

    ____________________________________

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

    TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    ____________________________________________

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

    TEACHER: What are you talking about?

    DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

    WINNIE: Me!

    __________________________________________

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    _______________________________________

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’

    MILLIE: I is..

    TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

    MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

    ________________________________

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

    ______________________________________

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

    SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    ______________________________

    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

    CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD: A teacher

    __________________________________

    #1172424

    moish01
    Member

    nice, jo

    #1172425

    Lol joseph I read most of those in the community magazine

    #1172426

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    joseph: ha good ones!!!

    #1172427

    moish01
    Member

    Nine Words Women Use

    1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

    5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

    8.) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying &*^$ YOU!

    9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

    hey moderator, i think this is pretty kosher, but if there’s one or two you don’t like just take them out – don’t delete the whole thing, ok?

    as qwertyuiop says: thanks in advance!

    #1172428

    anonymisss
    Participant

    Dear Father,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudiying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

    Love,

    Your $on.

    After recieving this letter, the father immediately replied back.

    Dear Son,

    i kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forgot that the pursuit of kNOwlegde is a NOble task, and that you van never study eNOugh.

    Love,

    Your well-kNOwn dad.

    ~a~

    #1172429

    moish01
    Member

    anonymisss, i KNEW i missed you while you were gone… great one there!

    #1172430

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    anonymisss: ha great one!!!

    #1172431

    an open book
    Participant

    anonymisss: that was cute

    #1172432

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    anonymiss & joseph: haha!$

    #1172433

    anonymisss
    Participant

    moish, I like those nine words. I can definitely identify…

    ~a~

    #1172434

    anonymisss
    Participant

    A linguistic professor was lecturing English class one day. “In English”, he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there’s no language where a double positive can form a negative”.

    A voice from the back of the class piped up, “Yeah, right”

    ~a~

    #1172435

    moish01
    Member

    anonymisss – THAT was a good one

    #1172436

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    moish: ha i liked it!!!! good one buddy!!!

    #1172437

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    anonymisss: good one there!!!

    #1172438

    kapusta
    Participant

    anonymisss btw welcome back because I dont think I ever gave you a proper one and both of those were great!!!

    #1172439

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    anonymisss: i’d like to welcome back your humor.$

    #1172440

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    moish01 and anonymisss

    Those where great!

    #1172441

    anonymisss
    Participant

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

    The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”.

    The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

    Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

    Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

    .

    .

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    HEBREWS

    ~a~

    #1172442

    AL2
    Participant

    Torah Dating

    B’reishis – In the beginning,

    Noach lech – Noach went

    Vayayroh Chayay Soroh – and he saw Chaya Soroh.

    Toldos – He checked out the yichus

    Vayaitzay – and they went out.

    Vayishlach – They didn’t like each other, so they sent each other away..

    Vayaishev – The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.

    Mikaitz – In the end,

    Vayigash – they got close

    Vay’chi – and they lived happily ever after.

    #1172443

    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    Top ten ways you know you are on a bad date:

    10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl

    9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know

    8. That’s so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.

    7. I now realize that “being set up” can mean two different things.

    6. I’ll just spell “help” out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.

    5. I miss work.

    4. Yisurin shel ahava… Yisurin shel ahava

    3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?

    2. This girl/guy puts the “uch” in shidduch.

    1. I will never ever trust my mother again

    Top ten signs you are in Brooklyn:

    10. You find yourself waiting on line to get into ‘standing room only’ at Dougie’s on Motzai Shebbos.

    9. There are no Starbucks or Barnes & Nobles in sight. There are, however, 5 kosher pizza places within a three block radius.

    8. The “Kosher Gym”- need I say more?

    7. The only person to respond to your “Good Shabbos’s” is the guy asking for change on the corner.

    6. Every other car on the street is a BMW/ Lexus leased from “Malcar”.

    5. There are at least three shuls/shteibel’s on every block, but the one you daven at, is five blocks away from your house.

    4. You can find a maariv minyan at 12:27 a.m., and then satisfy your midnight craving at Bissele’s the Shnitzel king or Deli 52.

    3. Every bakery/ and restaurant requires at least three hashgacha’s.

    2. Finding a parking spot on Ave. J or 13th Ave on a Friday afternoon is your week’s biggest triumph.

    1. Chicago? Is that the state near Baltimore?

    #1172444

    22OldGold
    Participant

    A husband and wife were in a fight and not talking to each other. They were driving down a country road and they passed by a barnyard full of pigs and the likes.

    “Relatives of yours?” asked the husband.

    “Yup,” she replied, “in-laws”

Viewing 50 posts - 751 through 800 (of 2,008 total)
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