A Humorous Item

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  • #1172445

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    good ones anonymisss. AL2, basyisroel2!!!!

    #1172447

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    ”the economy is so bad, yesterday the bank foreclosed on my friend’s succah!!!”

    [from the summer]”gas prices are so high, even the reform are walking to shul on shobbos!!!”

    #1172448

    anonymisss
    Participant

    lol, asdf!!!

    ~a~

    #1172449

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    great ones everybody.$

    #1172452

    Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

    Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the Logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

    Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $6000?

    Teaching Math in 2014: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

    #1172455

    moish01
    Member

    A man went over to the pope (not this german dude – the last guy) and said, “Mr. Pope, I have a Pollock joke for you.”

    The pope said, “but I’m Polish.”

    “That’s okay, I’ll say it slowly…”

    #1172456

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    YW needs to install a WC in this thread

    #1172457

    teen
    Member

    arievim: whats a WC?

    #1172458

    moish01
    Member

    isn’t a WC a bathroom? stands for “water chamber” or “water closet” or something, no?

    It stands for Water Closet, and yes, it is a “bathroom” or toilet as we call it

    YW Moderator-39

    #1172460

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    i wanted to use lashon nekiya 😉

    basically, this thread causes some members to laugh very hard…

    #1172461

    moish01
    Member

    oh i thought the WC was supposed to be for people to regurgitate their food.

    That would be a vomitorium YW Moderator-39

    #1172462

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    moish- nasty

    #1172463

    moish01
    Member

    areivim, that was the best euphemism i could think of. (i won’t go into what came to mind when i started thinking of how to say it b’lashon nekiya…)

    and good one, mod!

    #1172464

    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    mod39 only visits this thread cuz ‘Humorous’ is spelled his way

    #1172467

    squeak
    Participant

    One evening, a C, an Eb, and a G go into a bar. Bartender says: “Sorry,

    but we don’t serve minors.”

    So E flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a

    few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

    F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn’t sharp enough.

    D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, ” Excuse me, I’ll

    just be a second.”

    Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn’t convinced that this

    relative of C isn’t a minor.

    He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out,

    you’re the 7th minor I’ve found here tonight.”

    Eventually, the C sobers up, & realizes in horror that he’s under a

    rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the

    diminution of a minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda

    at an upscale correctional facility.

    On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even

    accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

    The bartender decides, however, that since he’s had only tenor so

    patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become

    alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

    #1172468

    beacon
    Participant

    Lol funny one squeak!

    #1172469

    squeak
    Participant

    A few more good bar jokes in honor of Adar, though bars and Adar have nothing in common:


    A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We have a drink

    here named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Bob?”


    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


    A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.

    “How about a double instead?” asked the bartender.

    “No. The second one is for my friend who doesn’t have time to join me here.”

    So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while alternately

    sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. Every time he comes in he orders one for himself and one for his absent friend.

    One day he comes in and orders only one drink.

    “Is everything OK with your friend?” asked the bartender.

    “Yeah, he’s fine. It’s just that my doctor told me to stop drinking.”


    A bowl of cereal and some eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”


    A chicken walks into a bar.

    The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!”

    The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”


    A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.

    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

    “How much will that be?” asks the neutron.

    “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”


    Descartes is mulling over his drink, and the bartender says, “We’re closing, would you like one for the road?”

    Descartes replies, “I think not” and POOF! he vanishes.

    #1172470

    anonymisss
    Participant

    moish and squeak, nice!

    ~a~

    #1172472

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    hahahaha!!$

    #1172473

    anonymisss
    Participant

    Ya know the guy who drinks in front of the mirror? His doctor told him to watch his drinking.

    ~a~

    #1172474

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    squeak: ha ha h awesome ones!!!!!!!

    #1172475

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    squeak: ha ha awesome ones!!!

    #1172476

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    can u please post my jokes i wrote???

    thanx in advance like qwertyuiop & now moish says!!!!

    #1172477

    kapusta
    Participant

    squeak your bar jokes brought this one back from the dead.

    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. we dont serve ducks in here get out. again, the duck walks in, and again the bartender yells at it. it keeps on happening until finally the bartender tells the duck the next time it comes in, he’ll nail its beak to the floor. the duck walks in again, got any nails? no. good, got a beer?

    this may have been posted on the joke of the day or already on this thread, sorry if its a repeat

    #1172479

    squeak
    Participant

    Two rednecks are out hunting in the woods. Suddenly, one of them clutches his heart and drops to the ground. His friend is terrified, whips out his cellphone, and calls 911 (even the foreigners should know what that is).

    911 Operator: Hello, 911 Emergency

    Redneck: I need help! My friend just had a heart attack, and I think he’s dead! What do I do?

    911 Operator: OK, sir, calm down. The first thing to do is to make sure he’s really dead.

    Redneck: Alright, hang on there just one second.

    (in the background, a gunshot is heard)

    Redneck: OK, what do I do next?

    #1172480

    kapusta
    Participant

    this is a reformed joke but it went something like this…

    ask not what kapusta can do for you; but rather what you can do for kapusta

    original: ask not what your country can do for you; but rather what you can do for your country

    squeak: lol!

    #1172481

    squeak
    Participant

    A man visits his friend’s home. They are sitting in the living room and following some sports game, when the man’s dog comes in to the room, curls up on the floor and goes to sleep.

    Moments later, the dog starts mumbling things like, “There was this time, when I took on a 400 pound cat and really taught him a lesson” and, “When I was younger, I would have taken blue ribbon in every dog contest in the country if my owner hadn’t been too lazy to take me”.

    The visitor turns to his friend and asks, “What in the world is up with your dog?”

    The friend replied, “Oh, don’t pay any attention. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.”

    – courtesy of Larry Garson

    Is this supposed to be some type of joke, or did you purposely flub Gary Larson’s name?

    YW Moderator-39

    #1172482

    squeak
    Participant

    Here’s a shidduch one.

    My friend called me up with a problem. He said that every time he is going out with a girl that he likes, and he brings her to meet his parents, his mother always finds something wrong with her. No matter what type of girl, she always says she doesn’t like her. Now my friend is desperate that he will never be able to find the right one.

    I told him that from now on, he should start going out with girls that are just like his mother. That way, she won’t find any faults.

    A little while later, he calls me back, very excited. “I did what you said, and I went out with this girl who is just like my mother. She walks like my mother, she talks like my mother, she even dresses like my mother!”

    I replied, “So, nu, when’s the Mazel Tov?”

    He said, “Not so fast… I took her to meet my parents, and my father doesn’t like her!”

    I think that he purposely flubbed Larson’s name because Larson wrote cartoons and not jokes. That was adapted from his work. YW Moderator ##

    #1172483

    David S.
    Member

    this is one of the the cool new smilies i got on my computer q6ibounce.gif just testing to see if it works

    #1172484

    anonymisss
    Participant

    fyi, david, it didn’t work

    ~a~

    #1172485

    i dug this forward up when looking at forwards for the forward thread

    /

    /

    //

    /

    /

    /

    /To prevent the possible threat of eye contact, verbal communication and

    any sort of interaction between the holy men and saintly women of Klal

    Yisroel, we the undersigned hereby proclaim that 13th Avenue in Boro Park,

    Brooklyn NY, should have alternate days for men and women, this applies

    to both pedestrian shoppers and Rachmono Litzlon women drivers.

    After extensive discussions with a wide range of both of our followers, we

    have developed the following schedule which we feel will be amenable to

    all. To ensure optimal mobility, we hereby designate 14th Avenue as the

    alternative to be used by the gender that is banned from 13th avenue .

    We also hereby permit members of Hatzoloh to use whatever route is

    needed to expedite them in their holy work, but to respect the nature of our

    ruling and not use red flashing lights when in proximity of 13th avenue as

    red lights and sirens may arouse certain desires in our fellow Yidden. If

    they must use lights and sirens, they should purchase our special ” 13th

    Avenue Approved” light & siren kit.

    SUNDAY/YOM RISHON: Women

    MONDAY/YOM SHEINI: Men

    TUESDAY/YOM SHLISHI: Women

    WEDNESDAY/YOM REVIE: Men

    THURSDAY/YOM CHAMISHI/EREV EREV SHABBOS KOYDESH:

    WOMEN (except after 11 pm, when men are permitted to visit select

    establishments to partake in Thursday night cholent and kugel

    FRIDAY/YOM SHISHI/EREV SHABBOS KOYDESH-Men

    SHABBOS KOYDESH: Men 5:30 am-10:30 am, Women 10:31 am to

    12:06 pm , Men 4 pm to Shkiyah

    NOTE: Motzei Shabbos Koydesh 13th Avenue is prohibited for all-if you are

    planning a Melave Malkeh, please call Amnon’s or Kosher Delight to

    arrange for delivery.

    We the undersigned strongly urge all members of our holy nation to adhere

    and respect the above schedule and the meaning behind it. We beseech

    you not to laugh behind our backs and mutter about how Kol Korehs like

    this result in simply alienating our people as they don’t really address the

    root of the problem but rather choose to gloss over it with meaningless

    mindless declarations in the vain hope that it will make them relevant to

    someone beyond their ever shrinking circle of tunnel-visioned followers.

    Rav Getzel Langhoisen

    Admor M’Pleytsah

    Rav Ginendal Krumkitzel

    Yageder Rebbe, Shlita

    HaGaon Anshel Bluhteh

    Iluy M’Galeh

    #1172486

    David S.
    Member

    oh, better luck next time I get an extra feature for Mozilla Firefox 😀 thanks anonymiss

    #1172487

    >> UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

    >>

    >>

    >>

    >> Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >>

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just

    >> stale

    >> bread to begin with?

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    >> If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t

    >> people from

    >> Holland called Holes?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a

    >> person

    >> who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what

    >> exactly are

    >> the others here for?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then

    >> doesn’t it

    >> follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys

    >> deranged,

    >> models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald

    >> men?

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny

    >> little

    >> spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

    >> What

    >> are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their

    >> pictures on

    >> the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver

    >> the mail?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you

    >> learn to

    >> drive?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

    >>

    >> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    >> As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you

    >> put

    >> the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells

    >> ‘THEIRS’?

    #1172488

    Joseph
    Participant

    n 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Over twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over so it was close to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times and then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs, and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    It probably wasn’t the same elephant.

    #1172489

    Joseph
    Participant

    How Times Have Changed

    Scenario:

    Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his gun rack.

    1957 – The vice principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car, and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

    2007 – The school goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in for traumatized students and teachers.

    Scenario:

    Jeffrey won’t be still in class and disrupts other students.

    1957 – Jeffrey is sent to the office and is given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt the class again.

    2007 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie and is tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

    Scenario:

    Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a spanking with his belt.

    1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

    2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

    Scenario:

    Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

    1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

    2007 – Mary is accused of being an offender and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

    #1172490

    Joseph
    Participant

    The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand-new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked as if they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

    The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand, and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

    The young man looked at him and said, “I’m a pilot!”

    The general got all excited, turned to his aide, and said, “Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything, do it!” The aide hustled the young man off.

    The general looked at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

    The young man said, “I chop wood!”

    “Son,” the general replied, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you know how to do?”

    “I chop wood!”

    “Young man,” huffed the general, “you are not listening to me. We don’t need wood choppers; this is the 21st century!”

    “Well,” the young man said, “you hired my brother!”

    “Of course we did,” said the general. “He’s a pilot!”

    The young man rolled his eyes and said, “But I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

    #1172491

    Joseph
    Participant

    #1172492

    kapusta
    Participant

    coke not pepsi (btw youre about to become CNP) what happens if someone scares you half to death twice?

    #1172494

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    ha awesome jokes everyone today!!! thanx!!!!

    #1172495

    kapusta
    Participant

    asdf yup!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I say we try for this every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1172496

    kapusta
    Participant

    what happened to my other joke?

    #1172500

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    kapusta: that’s a great goal for this awesome thread!!!

    #1172501

    myshadow
    Member

    coke not pepsi, lol that’s an awesome idea the seperate days!!

    ujm, lol but kinda sad cuz it’s true

    #1172504

    myshadow
    Member

    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

    he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

    “Please wake me at 5:00 AM..” He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM

    and he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go and

    see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by

    the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    #1172506

    asdfghjkl
    Participant

    myshadow: i always love this one!!! classic!! thanx 4 postin it!!!

    #1172507

    beacon
    Participant

    I saw this vanity plate today, thought it was very cute: LOL AT U

    #1172508

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    myshadow: haha.$

    beacon: nice!!$

    #1172509

    kapusta–ok i guess im a very slow bec i just relized what u meant whan u said i am about to become cnp–i was trying to figure out what u were saying then i saw it on another thread(i thought i knew texting language lol)

    #1172513

    Why must we converse in 13 different topics? Why can’t we just talk in one place? Do you have virtual ADD?

    #1172514

    qwertyuiop
    Member

    mod39: yes, he does.$

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