- This topic has 2,003 replies, 182 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
Three men married wives from different places.
The first man married a woman from Poland . ((No, this is not a Polish joke.)) He told her that she was to prepare hot meals on the table for every meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean and make sure the evening paper was turned to the sports page next to his Lazy-Boy recliner.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. He also found the TV tuned on the All Sports channel with the paper turned to the sports page.
The second man married a woman from Germany. He told her that she was to prepare hot meals on the table for every meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean and make sure the evening paper was turned to the sports page next to his Lazy-Boy recliner.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. He also found the TV tuned on the All Sports channel with the paper turned to the sports page.
The third man married a girl from New York City. He told her that she was to prepare hot meals on the table for every meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean and make sure the evening paper was turned to the sports page next to his Lazy-Boy recliner. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. By the fourth day he was able fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
1. Teaching Math In 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)
6. Teaching Math In 2009: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
A couple had been married 60 years
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be
married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy
marriage was to never fight. She told me that if I ever got angry
with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry
with him two times in all those years of li ving and loving. He almost
burst with happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls,
but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
Kapusta: where is your humor these days?
mepal, right were it belongs, give me some time and I hope to turn up some good ones.
Words Women Use:
1)FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to be quiet.
2)FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3)NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4)GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5)LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6)THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7)THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8)DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a women has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong”. For the woman’s response refer to #3.
as corny as they come…
Whos the father of all corn jokes?
Pop Corn
try to find some real ones for you soon!
Daniel and Howard are brothers living in Hampstead. Daniel lives with and looks after their elderly mother and Howard lives with his cat Peachy.
Howard is obsessed with Peachy. His whole life is based around her. So when his boss tells him at short notice that he must go to New York, he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t take Peachy with him, he can’t leave her behind on her own and he can’t refuse to go to New York. He eventually decides to trust Daniel with Peachy while he’s away. So just before he leaves, Howard goes to Daniel and explains in great detail what to do. He hands over the cat plus 1 week’s worth of cat medicine and top grade cat food, says goodbye to Peachy and then leaves.
The phone calls begin as soon as he arrives in New York. Howard phones Daniel morning, noon and night to make sure that Peachy is alright. But on the 4th day, when he calls and asks how Peachy is getting along, Daniel replies, “I’m afraid Peachy is dead, Howard.”
Howard is immediately overcome with grief. In between his sobs, he says, “How could you be so cruel, Daniel? You know how much I loved Peachy. Why couldn’t you have broken it to me gently?”
“How could I have done that?” asks Daniel.
“Yes, you’re right, I’m so sorry,” says Daniel.
Howard then asks, “By the way, how’s mum?”
“She’s ….. OK,” replies Daniel, “she’s up on the roof…”
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.”
The girl behind the counter replied, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn’t come this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”
“In that case,” the man continued, “I’ll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream.”
“You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have no chocolate.”
“Then just give me some chocolate,” he insists.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, “Sir, will you spell ‘van,’ as in ‘vanilla?'”
The man spells, “V A N.”
“Now spell ‘straw,’ as in ‘strawberry.'”
“OK. S-T-R-A-W.”
“Now,” the girl asked, “spell ‘stink,’ as in chocolate.”
The man hesitates, then confused, replied, “There is no stink in chocolate.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” she screams.
kapusta: i liked the one with Peachy the cat! good one there!
Some humorous one liners
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Political Correctness for Teens
No one fails a class anymore, he’s merely “passing impaired.”
You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the”exit delayed.”
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”
These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot.. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”
YAY! *kapusta*’s humor’s back! keep them coming!
A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
“You want a mezuzah for what?” the Rabbi asks.
“It’s a Lamborghini,”
“What’s a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.
“A sports car.”
“What? That’s crazy!” the Rabbi shouts. “You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!”
Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.
“You want a mezuzah for what?” the Rabbi asks.
“For my Lamborghini”, the man replies.
“What’s a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.
“A car, a sports car.”
“What kind of sports car?” asks the Rabbi.
“Italian.”
“What? That is crazy!” the Rabbi shouts. “You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!”
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi.
“Rabbi,” he asks, “I’d like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini.”
“You have a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.
“You know what it is?” says the man.
“Of course! It’s a fantastic Italian sports car. What’s a mezuzah?”
someone told me a really funny story
A Lakewood family was coming back Motzaie Shabbos on the Garden State.
They got pulled over by a cop for speeding.
I don’t know why or how but the cop made everyone get out the car.
They were all wearing black(the father and sons were wearing white shirt black suits,the mother and her daughters were all wearing black..).
The cop said”Oh I am so sorry I didn’t realize that you were coming back from a funeral I will let you go this time”-lol!
THANK YOU ALL, for the best laughs of my day!
BY2- you shouldn’t announce that story so loudly here in the CR. It’s gonna start a whole new “livush” argument… (groan)
Certain stories can only occur in Lakewood for some odd reason.
areivimzehlazeh-
However areivimzehlazeh, my story above was not to start a threads on livush. It was meant to be funny.Most frum men wear dark suits on Shabbos and most frum women in the N.Y. NJ metro area wear a lot of black.In the non-Jewish world most non-Jews wear black while working in banks,makeup counters, and for lo aleinu funerals.
You have a good point though,
Heads up everybody this is a humor thread not an arguing whose Livush is better thread.If we are going to change the subject then the YWN mods. will close this thread!Lets stick to humor only, and leave the bickering and arguing for other threads-Thanks!
so here goes, BasYisroel!
** God Must Be Jewish**
Moses died and went to heaven.
God greets him at the Pearly Gates.
“Are you hungry, Moses?” asks God.
“I could eat,” Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a
Chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While partaking of this humble meal,
Moses looks down into Hell
And sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,
Briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.
Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal.
Again it’s tuna and rye bread.
And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates.
Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of
Tuna is opened.
He can’t contain himself any longer.
Meekly, he says:
“God, I am grateful to be here in heaven
With You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led.
But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread,
And in that ‘other place’ they all eat like emperors and kings!
I just don’t understand.”
God sighs.
“Let’s be honest,” He says.
“For just two people, does it really pay
To cook?”
Read this:
HAPPINESS ISNOWHERE
Did you read it happiness is ‘no where’ or happiness is ‘now here’? It all depends on how you look at it……
not sure if this was ever posted here before, but worth reading again anyways!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I
accompany her on her trips
to Target. Unfortunately, like
most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in
and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most
women — she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
the
following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Johnson,
Over the past
six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced
to ban both of you from the store.
Our
complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in
house wares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
2. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the
floor leading to
the women’s restroom.
3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on
it right away.’
This caused the employeeto leave
her assigned station and receive
a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a
union
grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the
company money.
4. August 4: Went to
the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.
5. August 14:
Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told the
children shoppers he’d invite them in
if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the
bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if
they could help him he began
crying and screamed,
‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
EMTs
were called.
8. September 4: Looked right into
the security camera and used it
as a mirror while
he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While
handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
‘Madonna
look’ by using different sizes of
funnels
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack
and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME!
PICK ME!’
13. October 21: When an announcement
came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal
position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited a
while,then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey!
There’s no toilet paper in
here.’
One of the clerks passed out.
We ‘ ve all talked to this guy….
[IMAGE REMOVED]
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, ‘ Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job. ‘
Mujibar said, ‘ I am ready. ‘
The manager said,
‘ Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green . ‘
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
‘ Mister manager, I am ready ‘
The manager said, ‘ Go ahead. ‘
Mujibar said,
‘ The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar. ‘
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
<Mark Twain – “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!
When I born, I BL ACK ,
When I grow up, I BLACK ,
When I go in sun, I BLACK ,
When I cold, I BLACK ,
When I scared, I BLACK ,
When I sick, I BLACK ,
And when I die, I still BLACK .
You white folks….
When you born, you PINK ,
When you grow up, you WHITE ,
When you go in sun, you RED ,
When you cold, you BLUE ,
When you scared, you YELLOW ,
When you sick, you GREEN ,
When you bruised, you PURPLE ,
And when you die, you GRAY .
So who you callin’ colored folks
This is one of my favorite- I laugh every time I read it. Caution: read slowly.
“Tenjewberrymuds”
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”
Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”
RS: “Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??”
G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”
RS: “Ow July den?”
G: “What??”
RS: “Ow July den?…pryed, boyud, poochd?”
G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”
RS: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”
G: “Crisp will be fine.”
RS : “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”
G: “What?”
RS:”An toes. July Sahn toes?”
G: “I don’t think so.”
RS: “No? Judo wan sahn toes??”
G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”
RS: “Toes! Toes!…Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”
G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”
RS: “We bodder?”
G: “No…just put the bodder on the side.”
RS: “Wad?”
G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”
RS: “Copy?”
G: “Excuse me?”
RS: “Copy…tea…meel?”
G: “Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.”
RS: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy….rye??”
G: “Whatever you say.”
RS: “Tenjewberrymuds.”
G : “You’re very welcome
mepal: yeah the target (walmart) one was but a while ago! i remember areivim & jax talking about it
everyone, great ones! I see I have some competition here! often imitated; never duplicated 😉
keep em coming!
for anonymisss, because I’m such a sweetie <insert blush>
as collegy as I could find so far, but I’ll keep looking!
Final Exam
Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
kapusta: that was an awesome one!
the reception area of the doctor’s office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail’s pace! after waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up & headed for the door! everyone stopped talking to look at him!
he announced, ”i guess i’ll just go home and die a natural death!”
Thanks, kapusta and jax! Those were good.
~a~
there was supposed to be another one, didnt quite see the light of day.
for Jax, former asdf…
Murphy applied for an engineering position …
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”
kapusta: nice one kapusta! thanx for the entertainment!
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .. .
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? – No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
Bas Yisrael, I just re-read a few of your previous posts. (all of which were excellent, as usual!) thanx again!
as for mine…
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Anyone have any humor?
for my all good friends who need some cheering up tonight. (and even the ones that dont!)
GI insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
kapusta: that was a great one! thanx you!
kapusta: I heard it before but it still made me smile. Thanks 🙂
Mary had a little lamb, what happened next???
The midwife fainted…
Ten Times
A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she had been over the settlement, when she saw a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubbed the lamp, and out popped a genie!
The genie sensed her anger and allowed her to vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informed her that he would give her three wishes. But he cautioned her that because he does not believe in divorce, he would give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie granted her wish and she found herself sitting on a pile of one billion one-dollar bills.
The genie then reminded her that her husband was now the surprised recipient of ten billion dollars. The woman could barely contain her anger when she made her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, exactly as she had imagined her dream home, in every tiny detail. But the genie reminded her again that her ex-husband now owned ten of what she had wished for, and pointed out across the bay to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon seeing this, the woman took her time to consider her final wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman said she had made up her mind. But, before she could say anything, the genie again warned her that her ex-husband would get ten times whatever she wished for. “No problem,” said the woman, smiling at last. “For my final wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”
aussie, I’m getting good at this. 🙂
noitall, nice!
mepal, lol, thats like a guy does something and earns <whatever> and they tell him his mother in law gets double. He asks to be scared half to death. 😉
its a mashal kinah and taaveh(i think) Hashem tells kinnah i’ll give u something but hes gonna get double he asks to be blind in one eye
possibly a repeat, sorry in advance if it is.
Death of a Mother-in-law
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock toall no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and
mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”
Kapusta: LOL! That one had me rolling… 😉
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Barack Obama and tells him, “Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Obama asks.
Mahmoud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN..”
Obama says, “You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmoud asks.
Obama replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”
A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, “Who wrote this?!!”
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees a drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.
Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.
After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. “Ma’am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home.”
The woman replies, “Thank you sir, but I have one question…Where’s his wheelchair?”
Life explained
When God created the dog He said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.
Then God created the monkey He said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’
The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
And God agreed.
Next, God created the cow said:
‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk t o support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twe nty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.
Lastly , God created man and said:
‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enj oy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.