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YAY! YAY! Can’t believe this! I’m gonna take an overextended lunch break just for this! See you in general shmooz!
btw, I hope there’s a mod on to celebrate with us…
kapusta, mepal and others,
I am requesting a favor. normally, I just delete so… it may be wise to grant this favor :o)
you know when you are on with each other or others, they know it also. the Mods know it, everybody knows it. there is no need to announce it. please say hello in the post here if you are in the CR thread and leave it that. ok? thanks. :o)
no problem, btw mod that update was 0 seconds! cool!
I wouldnt want this post to be a complete waste. 🙂
The old native American wanted a loan
The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”
“Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t know collateral.”
“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse.”
“How old is it?”
“Don’t know, has no teeth.”
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”
“Put in tepee.”
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.
“Don’t know deposit.”
“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”
Ha ha, kapusta!
btw, never left the humor thread. Whenever I get something, I try posting it here.
very very good one there- I really like
Are You a Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a “professional.”
Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Gosh! I am SO professional!
A fellow goes to the races for the first time and decides to look over the race horses in the paddock before placing his first bet. While there he sees a rabbi standing beside a horse due to run in the first race. The Rabbi is rocking back and forth in prayer.
He notes the number on the horse and for the heck of it puts a two dollar bet to win on the horse. It comes in paying 9-1. Collecting his money he goes down to the paddock and sees the Rabbi praying over another horse, this one due to run in the next race. He puts all his winnings on that horse to win and again he wins.
By the end of the eighth race his winnings total over five thousand. He decides the ninth will be his last race. He checks which horse the Rabbi is praying over and places all his money on that horse.
This time things are different. The horse the Rabbi was praying over trailed the field, ending up dead last
and all the man’s winnings are lost.
He spots the Rabbi, runs up to him, and says, ” Rabbi, I do not understand. I watched you pray over horses and I bet and won on every horse you prayed over. That is except on the ninth race. I lost all my money on the horse you were praying over.
The Rabbi looks at the fellow and says, “Tell me, are you Jewish?”
The man responds, “Yes. I am Jewish. I am a member of a Reform synagogue.”
The rabbi responds, ” That’s the trouble with the reformers. They do not know the difference between a Brochah and Kaddish.”
mepal, LOL!
mepal: good one!! 🙂
kapusta: i have used that joke in my yeshiva and almost no one got it except for the kids we learn with!!
yossi z. people dont get jokes anymore 🙁
new white house staff:
so far we have:
Rahm emanuel-chief of staff-jewish
David axelrod-senior advisor to the president-jewish
Ronald klain-chief of staff to the vice president-jewish
Larry summers-economic advisor to the president-jewish
Paul volcker-economic advisor to the president, former head of federal reserve-jewish
Tim geithner-treasury secratary-jewish
Peter orzag-head of budget-jewish
is president barak obama assembling an administration or trying to make a minyan?
aww well kapusta, that is why everyone tries to come up with new ones, see which ones people will get then the follow the trend till they have to start a new one.
yossi, any muslim in the new administration? since according to him, (and YW news) America is one of the largest muslim country in the world. Just wondering.
I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
kapusta- reminds me of taking a test when ducks find an egg they think is theirs and being they don’t know how they look when do they realize its not a duck. Everybody gives lomdishe terutzim but 2nd graders were the only ones to get it right when it goes in to the water it can’t swim!
mepal: i don’t know i got it as a humerous e-mail pointing out the jews but interestingly enough i don’t think so (not that i know politics that well).
kapusta, mepal, yossi, & areivim: all great ones! pure entertainment!
note: ever with virtual ADD, i did read the long posts! 🙂 i’m improving! 😉
ali v’hatzlichi 😉
Daily dose of humor:
I just read an article about the dangers of smoking, and it got me really nervous, so thats it! as of today, I’ve given up reading.
kapusta, 😉
~a~ the real one
kapusta: shocking AND funny i usually don’t get much of those!! 🙂 thanx!! 🙂
wheres all my co-joke of the day gabbaim?
Marriage Problems
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, “What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife says, “Seven weeks.”.
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
And, my favorite is:
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there’ .
for havesomeseichel,
I hope this is not a repeat, sorry if it is 🙂
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stands up and offers that, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside…that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks Clinton, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.”
“Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!”
mepal & kapusta: well done!
kapusta: i loved the bill clinton one! 😉
kapusta: Good one (but yeh its been said like 5 times lol)
kapusta, you got it all wrong. The story happened to Obama 😉
kapusta- =) thanks a million! my face has a big smile on it!
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at
a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make
the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell
the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of
mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he
will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it
should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the
mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the
blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000
miles on it!”
The Darwin Awards
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers=2 0to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The dece p tion wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and dem anded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food o rder. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
mepal, I love those!!! (especially the last one)
did you hear about the guy who robbed a bank wearing golf gloves?
(golf gloves have fingers, but no fingertips)
a pleasure, as always!
(probably old)
Reasons why the English language is so hard to
> learn:
>
> 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
>
> 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
>
> 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
> refuse.
>
> 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
>
> 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
>
> 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
> desert.
>
> 7) Since there is no time like the present, he
> thought it
> was time to present the present.
>
> 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
>
> 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
>
> 10) I did not object to the object.
>
> 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
>
> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
> row.
>
> 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
>
> 14) The buck does funny things when the does are
> present.
>
> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer
> line.
>
> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow
> to sow.
>
> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
>
> 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
>
> 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a
> tear.
>
> 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of
> tests.
>
> 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate
> friend?
>
> Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There
> is no egg
> in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
> pine in
> pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in
> England or
> French fries in France.
>
> Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
> aren’t
> sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if
> we
> explore its paradoxes, we find that
>
> quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
> and a
> guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
>
> And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t
> fing,
> grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the
> plural of
> tooth is teeth, why isn’t the
>
> plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
> moose, 2
> meese? One index, 2 indices?
>
> Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but
> not one
> amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
> rid of
> all but one of them, what do you call it?
>
> If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If
> a
> vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
> eat?
>
> Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
> committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In
> what
> language do people:
>
> Recite at a play and play at a recital?
>
> Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
>
> Have noses that run and feet that smell?
>
> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
> while a
> wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
>
> You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
> language in
> which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
> which you
> fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an
> alarm goes
> off by going on.
>
> English was invented by people, not computers, and
> it
> reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of
> course,
> is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars
> are out,
> they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
> are
> invisible.
>
> PS: Why doesn’t “buick” rhyme with “quick”?
>
those awards are well-earned.
Now, who will be the first to try to claim 2010’s? I can just see people trying to do the oddest things in order to win the award. It probably will be the first award they ever earned too.
BS”D
Followup to my story of going to hear Shlomo Carlebach sing…
I want you to know, I want you to know, that all night, it was mamash a gevald, I couldn’t sleep all night thinking of all the holy brothers and sisters who were there when I went to see, you know, the one who is so holy, so special, the one and only heiliger Reb Shlomo.
Finally it is about five o clock in the morning, and I think to myself, I know what these Jews need who are so holy, so special, these great and holy tzaddikim who like to be kissed and hugged by the one and only, so holy, mamash a gevald Reb Shlomo…
I want you to know, I want you to know, do you know what it is when a holy brother, a holy sister, is missing a few screws? You know how hard it is to live, to be holy, to be a Yid when you are missing a few screws?
So the next morning, I say to myself, I want you to know, holy brothers and sisters, I am going to do a real tzedoko, a real good deed, to help these holy Yiddelach and Yiddenes…I am going to buy them all the screws they are missing.
But does anyone remember what it was like to buy screws in New York in 1990? This was 1990, and there weren’t any big hardware stores where you could get all the screws in the world, it was so hard, such a gevald, to try to buy all the screws in the world. There was no Home Depot, no Lowes, no nothing especially in New York.
So I go to Boro Park which is so holy and so many stores there are having holy screws, so holy the screws, every hardware store there is kosher from a different holy rabbi, and I go to the big one, it was maybe on 12th Avenue or Fort Hamilton Parkway, and I tell the man behind the counter, “Reb Yid, you have maybe lots of time? I need loads of screws and I’m not sure which ones”.
Now let me tell you, holy brothers and sisters, what happened next, mamash a gevald, so holy these Yidden who are missing so many screws, I thought the holy brother at the hardware store wants to help all these holy Yidden.
But you know, he asks me: “Tell me why you need so many screws and why you don’t know which ones?” And I tell him: “Such a gevald, mamash a gevald, I want you to know, last night I went to hear the holy Reb Shlomo, so holy, so special, and I see so many holy brothers and sisters missing so many screws, and I want to help them, and the holy Reb Shlomo is missing so many, mamash a gevald, more than anyone but still he sings, he dances, he kisses and hugs all these holy brothers and sisters like it is still 1968, you know what I mean, still 1968, 1969, 1970, all the peace signs they think the war in Vietnam is mamash still going on and now it’s already 1990, so special, so holy, so needing screws.’
And you know what he say to me? He say; “You mishiggener, get out of my store NOW! So many screws you want to buy, you know I don’t have that many and I never sell that many, mamash since I open the place ten years ago I don’t sell so many screws like is missing all those hippies and freaks! I sell them to you, for three months no one in all of Boro Park has no screws and you know how much is costing so many screws? You want to know? He tells me…three million dollars just for the special screws that is needing the heiliger Reb Shlomo alone, they are so holy, so special, they haven’t made such screws since 1956 when I was a boy and had to leave Beedapesht! A meshiggener bist di, get out of my shop! Now!
But he was not such a big man, and I am so much bigger, I stand there and still I say to him, you want I should tell you what I say to him, I say to him..let’s make a gescheft that is so holy, so special so I can help all these holy brothers and sisters….
So this is what I say to him, mamash a gevald, maybe you can give it to me on fifty years credit I pay you a dollar a day so I can help all these poor Yidden who are missing so many screws…
And let me tell you, it was such a gevald, so holy, so pure, what he says to me, that mamash I can’t repeat it even in Yiddish, even in holy Yiddish it was too holy…..maybe I tell you in Hungarian but I am not speaking Hungarian it is mamash too holy to speak Hungarian….
.
1320 lb: you’re killin me with your carlebach spoofs… i am lol!! 😀 😀
ha ha kilo bear. I hear Reb Shlomele voice through your lines. You’re a great immitater!
Kilobear! Kilobear! kilobear!! Man alive are you good! You’re an outrageous rippin roarin riot!!
I’m sending you my doctor bills- I need to test for ulcers due to extreme laughter
My sides are plotzing from gelechter!!!
ok heres a joke. pls dont throw any rotten tomatoes at me.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
ha ha, nurse! I wont throw you any ROTTEN tomatoes, rather OLD ones! But I wouldn’t ever wish to scare you off this most humorous thread. Keep them coming! New or old, we take them all!
A600KiloBear: wow that was out of this world! POY all the way! loved every minute of that! i’m laughing so hard here, you have no idea! 😉
the.nurse: great one!
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
i like that! but i would just take the door off the hinges….
is she some type of paranoid or something? who is she?
Mr. Bear, you are good!!! I had such a good laugh from that one. Thanks!! =]=]=]
~a the real one~
havesomeseichel, I’m not sure, but someone definitely quoted her before around here.
When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he’ll ever make.
A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man’s face
Marriage brings music to a man’s life. He learns to play second fiddle.
Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
The argument you just won with your wife isn’t over yet.
havesomeseichel, kapusta: she’s a comedian
AOB, I thought you said kapusta is a comedienne. jk, thanks 🙂
Excuses for Not Coming to Work
I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
kapusta: great ones!
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