A Humorous Item

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  • #1173203
    the.nurse
    Member

    A Gabbai approaches a guest in the Shul and says “I want to give you an Aliyah.”

    “What is your name,” he asks the man?

    The man answers, “Ester bas Moshe.”

    The Gabbai says, “No, I need your name.”

    The man says, “It is Ester bas Moshe.”

    The Gabbai asks, “How can that be your name?”

    The man answers “I’ve been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife’s name.”

    #1173204
    the.nurse
    Member

    Two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at the

    other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”

    #1173205
    mepal
    Member

    kapusta LOL! Keep ’em comin’!

    #1173206
    kapusta
    Participant

    here you go mepal.

    Old Friends

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me… I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t remember your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t recall it. Please tell me what your name is.”

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

    *kapusta*

    #1173207
    AZOI.IS
    Participant

    Kapusta, perhaps they had daughters in Shidduchim, nebach.

    #1173208

    keep em coming everyone!

    #1173209
    ywnmember
    Member

    When children are young you want to eat them,

    When they are older you are upset why you didn’t

    #1173213
    broch
    Participant

    Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Recovery is when Obama loses his.

    I like florida. Everything there is in the 80’s: the temperature, the ages, and the IQ’s.

    #1173214
    mepal
    Member

    Ha broch! Really good!

    (Can I retry mine? Did they get ‘lost’?)

    #1173215
    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    welcome to the Grand CR broch!

    #1173218
    mepal
    Member

    Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a shrink and told him, “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

    “How much do you charge?”

    “Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the Doctor.

    “I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

    “Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”

    “Is that so!” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!”

    FORGET THE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

    Life is too short… drink more beer today!

    #1173220
    kapusta
    Participant

    We are not retreating – we are advancing in another direction.

    – General Douglas MacArthur

    We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

    – Jason Kidd

    *kapusta*

    #1173221
    kapusta
    Participant

    the joke from the hangman thread:

    a doctor treated a woman for yellow jaundice for three years until he realized she was chinese.

    *kapusta*

    #1173222
    moish01
    Member

    come on, kapusta. you could do better than that.

    #1173223
    kapusta
    Participant

    have I set a standard for myself?

    I gotta think, its painful… 😉

    *kapusta*

    #1173224
    anonymisss
    Participant

    kapusta, old men….. lol;)

    ~a the real one~

    #1173225
    kapusta
    Participant

    anonymisss, 😉

    moish, did you see my one about ADD on the bumper stickers thread? I loved it! I had to look around for this one, hope its more to your liking. you understand of course that I found it on short notice.

    Taking Pictures

    A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

    *kapusta*

    #1173226
    mepal
    Member

    ha ha ha!!

    #1173227
    anonymisss
    Participant

    kapusta, you could do better! come on.

    ~a the real one~

    #1173228
    kapusta
    Participant

    listen here. I know kapusta really goes well with tomato sauce, but please have a heart and dont! Its not my fault there are no funny ones out there. ;/ I’ll keep looking and keep you “posted.” 😉

    *kapusta*

    #1173229
    mepal
    Member

    yah, what’s happening with all the good jokes? Have we posted ALL of them already?!

    #1173230

    There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought

    The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.

    The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the

    pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few

    minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went

    fine.

    out of class and there were no fights!

    pill! I put the pill into the coffee and after he finishes to drink

    #1173231
    mepal
    Member

    AAAAAAAARGGGHHH!!! That was the BEST!

    #1173232
    kapusta
    Participant

    havesomeseichel, you’re stiff competition!

    *kapusta*

    #1173233
    kapusta
    Participant

    It seems we’ve run down most of the good jokes n this thread. We could shoot for third time around or this,

    Sam and Edith were married for almost 50 years and still very happy. Edith, being a good wife, always fed Sam only the healthiest. At every meal he would be served lots of veggies along with a starch and a protein. For their 50th anniversary, Sam decided to give back to Edith a little of what he’d gotten throughout their 50 years of marriage. Tragically, on the plane to Italy, where they were headed to celebrate the big day, the pilot lost control and the plane crashed. All passengers died.

    They get up to heaven, and an angel asks them how they lived their lives. Both of them said very honestly that they were always honest, helped people, and lived their lives like good, upstanding people. the angel took them around to show them their new home. For Edith, a beautiful rose garden in front of the mansion they shared, and a full wardrobe. Sam got a boat for fishing, and a golf course. The angel left them to take in their new surroundings.

    Edith: So Sam, what do you think?

    Sam: I think its wonderful, you and your farshtinkene diets, we could have been here ten years ago!

    I know, I know, not my best… sorry :/

    *kapusta*

    #1173234
    moish01
    Member

    Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Yankee.

    “Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the Southerners.

    They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

    He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

    The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).

    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed Yankee.

    “Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Southerner.

    When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

    Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”

    #1173235
    kapusta
    Participant

    try this one…

    There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

    “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find I lost my key. I can’t get in because my wife isn’t home. I leave, and come here.

    And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

    *kapusta*

    #1173236
    kapusta
    Participant

    moish, did you google that? I also found it. 😀

    *kapusta*

    #1173237
    mepal
    Member

    kapusta, second one was gooood!

    #1173238
    moish01
    Member

    was bored stiff and updates were slow today so i was reading jokes all day. most of them don’t make the cut but that one was kosher AND funny

    #1173239
    Jax
    Member

    havesomeseichel: great one, although after reading it a bit, i figured out da ending! 😉

    #1173240
    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    I just got an invitation to a job training seminar, as follows (I corrected most of the spelling):

    “Reb Moishe Mongobongo and Rebbetzin Miriam Abacha invite you to a seminar where you can learn how to participate in the biggest income opportunity in sub-Saharan Africa: ‘Writing the Perfect 419 Scam Letter’ Learn how to impersonate dictators and kings while you earn enough income to live like one of them! To participate, please, I ask you out of the kindnes of my hart to please help me to get the 10,99,789 (eleventy million dolar) that myne shvigger put away for me in the Swiss bank for our chassune before she was caught being such a yenta that she was exiled and not allowed back into inzere house!”

    #1173241
    h2
    Member

    Here are 2 Little Johnny Jokes I just found:

    Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime — Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

    One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

    Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

    Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, ‘geometry.'”

    Little Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree.'”

    Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

    Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”

    #1173242
    mepal
    Member

    h2, keep them coming!

    #1173243
    kapusta
    Participant

    A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.

    “Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

    *kapusta*

    #1173244
    A600KiloBear
    Participant

    BS”D

    How do we reconcile our rejection of evolution with the known fact that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a direct descendant of Piltdown Man?

    #1173247
    mepal
    Member

    A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks –

    “W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?”

    The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

    The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?”

    Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

    The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

    Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

    The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldn`t you answer that guy’s question?”

    The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”

    #1173248
    yossi z.
    Member

    wow mepal that was awesome!! 🙂

    #1173249
    anonymisss
    Participant

    mepal, good one;) lol

    ~a~

    #1173250
    noitallmr
    Participant

    Wow mepal- one of the best I’ve read in a long time!! Heeheee

    #1173251
    mepal
    Member

    Glad everyone’s enjoying it! It’s hard finding something thats

    A. remotely humorous

    B. will pass the scrutiny here.

    So when I do find a piece of humor that passes my scrutiny, the mods scrutiny, and is actually funny, there’s a reason to celebrate!

    #1173252
    noitallmr
    Participant

    mepal: condition A & B is a contradiction 😉

    #1173253
    YW Moderator-72
    Participant

    methinks that noitalmr is looking to get blocked :o)

    #1173254
    mepal
    Member

    72, welcome to the thread 😉

    and please don’t block my friend!

    #1173255
    YW Moderator-72
    Participant

    mepal it’s either you or your friend and you have a DT obligation for Wednesday so at least you’re safe for a few days :o)

    #1173256
    mepal
    Member

    aaaaaaaaaaah! NO way!

    fine. Then I’m doing DT’s for the rest of my life! 😉

    #1173257
    yossi z.
    Member

    hey if that is all it takes to get posted around here then i will b’ezras Hashem do them voluntarily

    oops…. did i really just volunteer? 🙂

    #1173258
    mepal
    Member

    Hey, did we just give out a secret over here??

    #1173259
    noitallmr
    Participant

    “mepal it’s either you or your friend”

    Sniff sniff- that is TERRIBLE! Ya know what mepal? I think it’s time to behave ourselves so that we can remain friends in the CR forever more.

    And 72, take a joke!!! 😉

    #1173260
    mepal
    Member

    noitallmr, take a joke as well! (can Englishmen do that?! jk;))

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