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Mrs. Beautiful- great jokes! thank you for bringing us back on topic!
Mrs beautiful: I like the coffee, fly one!!!!
lol! those r funny!
BS”D
Mrs Beautiful:
You forgot the Ku Klutz Karta man who uses the Israeli flag to take the fly out, dumps his coffee, burns the flag, and keeps the fly.
BS”D
A few years ago, there was a road race. The contestants were the late Christopher Reeve, the Tooth Fairy, and a Palestinian.
Who won? Reeve, of course. There is no such thing as either the Tooth Fairy or a Palestinian!
🙂 Itzik 🙂
A group of men are shipwrecked on a deserted island. To pass the time, they tell each other jokes. After a year of being stranded, they have all told over all of their jokes so many times, that everyone knows them by heart. So, instead of wasting time telling them, they numbered all the jokes and anyone who wanted to tell a joke would just call out its number.
One day, a man washes up on the shore. He was just shipwrecked and now he is stranded there with all the other men. On his first day, the men are sitting around and someone calls out a joke.
“429!” says one man. The whole group erupts in laughter.
“672!” says someone else. Again, everyone is in stitches.
The new guy doesn’t really understand what is going on but sees this as an oppotunity to bond with the group. He works up some courage and stands up and yells, “243!”. Dead silence. “What’s the matter? How come you all laughed at everyone else’s number but not at mine?”
The man next to him pats him on the shoulder and says, “It’s all in how you tell it.”
<P.S. I know what a pathetic joke this is. I’m hoping that ames will repeat her comment, as I enjoyed it very much. When I tried to post my thanks to her, my post was deleted (seemingly for no reason, maybe it just got lost), so now I’m fishing for another compliment so I can try again.>
Squeak: A different version to that joke is; the new man on the boat calls out “243”and the ppl can’t stop laughing! So he asks them “What’s more funny about my joke than all the others”They answered”This one is a new one we never heard it before!”.
BS”D
Yanky Gross got a job as a mouthwash salesman as soon as he had to support his wife, and during his first week on the job, he managed to sell 5000 bottles of mouthwash, a major sales record.
His boss asked him: Yanky, how did you do it?
He explained as follows: “Well, you see, it is very simple. I stood out on 13th Ave and 50th St at Mincha time with a container of month old chopped liver and asked everyone if they wanted a free sample. When just about everyone tasted it they told me it tastes like it’s at least a month old – FEH!” So I would tell them – FEH! It is mamash a month old, you know and it was sitting outside all this time – so maybe you want a bottle of mouthwash for a dollar you should wash out your mouth and not get sick!!!”
Two men are sitting by a stream, fishing. Suddenly, a game warden appears behind them. One of the men jumps up and bolts for the forest! The warden chases him, and after 10 minutes the man gives up, out of breath. The warden says, “OK, sir, you are in big trouble. I’m going to give you a ticket for fishing without a license. And since you made me chase you I’m going to write down the maximum fine.”
The man looks up and says, “License? I have a license. It’s right here in my wallet!”
The warden asks, “So then why did you run away from me?”
“Because of my buddy. HE doesn’t have a license.”
squeak- ur losin ur touch
Itzik- that sounds straight out of Country Yossi, good stuff
BS”D
Three men get arrested in Zimbabwe – a Colombian drug dealer, a Bensonhurst mafioso, and lehavdil a bochur doing kiruv work. All are sentenced to death after a kangaroo trial.
Before the execution, each one is asked for his last wishes.
The Colombian asks to be buried in his native village in Colombia. His wish is granted.
The mafioso asks to have his remains sent back so he can be buried next to his beloved former boss, John Gotti. His wish is granted.
The bochur says: “I want to be buried next to the great liberator of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe!”
The executioner says: “Mugabe? He’s not dead yet?”
The bochur says: “That’s OK – I’ll wait!” as he runs to safety.
ah- nothing like a gemara kupp
BS”D
When the shadchan says: “He spends all his spare time doing chessed and helping the community” he means: “He was sentenced to 5000 hours community service!”
When the shadchan says: “She takes very good care of herself and is very health-conscious” he means: “She’s a hypochondriac who takes 100 different pills a day for imaginary conditions that don’t even exist!”
When the shadchan says: “He’s built big, like a cuddly bear” he means: “He weighs 300 pounds and has the appetite and personality of a grizzly bear!”
When the shadchan says: “Her family is independently wealthy” he means “Her father is a fugitive from the FBI and lives abroad but he sends her some money here and there!”
When the shadchan says: “He’s very, very frum and really goes out of his way to spread Yiddishkeit even when it is not easy for him” he means “He’s part of the Neturei Karta wannabes and he goes to every anti-Israel demonstration even if it is on Shabbos!”
When the shadchan says: “She lives in a beautiful house with the best soft leather furniture you could imagine” he means “She lives in a padded cell in the beis mishegoyim!”
Itzik_s: that was great!!! i can’t stop laughing!!!!
ok, here goes for the second time…
***DELETED*** If it was deleted by a moderator previously, there is no need to re-submit for another moderator to delete it. YW Moderator-72
areivim – see my PS above.
kapusta: someone got in trouble!!!!
mod72- i didnt know that it was actually deleted, posts get lost (or anyway go to the place where all good -?- posts go to die) sometimes and when they’re reposted they go through… i thought it was worth a try… oh well better luck next time i guess 🙁
and BTW, asdf and co thanks for defending me, you missed a good one 🙁
Itziks- you crack me up!! 🙂 keep em coming!
I don’t know if this is exactly humorous, but I found it cute:
Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read ‘Vote Obama, I need the money.’ I laughed.
Once in the restaurant my server had on a ‘Obama 08’ pin on his shirt, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference–just imagine the coincidence.
When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need–the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.
I went outside, gave the homeless guy $5 and told him to thank the server inside as I’ve decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.
At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.
I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.
OR IS IT THAT REDISTRIBUTION OF SOMEONE ELSE’S WEALTH IS A GREAT IDEA…………..or just a fools game !!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Well, hellloooo,………..just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It’s been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.
heimesheyid, wow, that makes his whole idea sound really foolish. Lets wait and see…
Havesomeseichel: pretty funny but I don’t like blonde jokes
I have a humorous item- dora the explorer (and her cousin diego) are soo illegal immigrants!!
Haha!
syriansephardi – you must be blonde yourself. (or maybe not – if you were blonde you wouldn’t get them so you wouldn’t mind them, would you?)
isn’t it “illegal aliens?” immigrants go through the immigration process and are legal, miss genius.
heimesheyid: ha i liked that one!!!
havesomeseichel: nice one!!! you saved how much money???
Thanks… I hate it that children are learning spanish instead of learning ENGLISH! If we are in America, it is time to speak the language of the country! I have no problem with being bilingual, trilingual or like a friend of mine who knows about 5 languages fluently but I do have an issue when I want to go anywhere and must speak in spanish, or spanish is the first option on the telephone or the signs are in spanish first, and then english!!! WE ARE IN AMERICA! Enough of my tirade…
I thought this was cute and funny. I just gave my daughter a bath. She kind of stayed a wee bit too long in the water. As I was dressing her, she looked at her hands and said quite innocently, “Hey why do my hands look like Grandma’s??” I couldn’t stop laughing after I heard that.
BS”D
Spanish? Never mind – what about Ebonics?
True story. I was walking on the Upper West Side of Manhattan years ago and passed a scene where someone had had a seizure and was being improperly assisted by an amateur and pestered by rubberneckers. This was before cell phones; I pulled the lever on the nearby call box to call EMS (911) and got an Ebonics speaking operator. She did not understand one word I said! I got totally confused trying to explain things to her, and one of the rubberneckers who spoke Ebonics had to take over speaking to the operator!
Moish: sorry I can’t post personal information 🙂
And don’t call me miss genuis. U no u like my joke okk!!
Ames: thanx 🙂 it is funny lol laugh every time I think of it lol
Itzik_s: i’m really likin your jokes/stories here!!!!
A blonde opens a box of cheerios and goes: “oooh donut seeds!!”
beacon – i hope they we honey-nut
6 months! 6 months! 6 months!
Here’s an old, but good one.
The university professor challenged his students with this question.
Did God create everything that exists?
A student bravely replied “yes, he did!”
“God created everything? The professor asked. “Yes sir”, the student
replied.
The professor answered, “If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil”.
The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that Christian,Judaism & Muslim faiths are a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, “Can I ask you a question professor?”
“Of course”, replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, “Professor, does cold exist?”
“What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?”
The students snickered at the young man`s question.
The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.”
The student continued. “Professor, does darkness exist?”
The professor responded, “Of course it does”.
The student replied, “Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton
s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isnt this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present.”Finally the young man asked the professor. “Sir, does evil exist?”
Now uncertain, the professor responded,
“Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man`s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. “These manifestations are nothing else but evil.”
To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat.
Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God
s love present in his heart. Its like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”The professor sat down……………..
Beacon that IS funny BUT still don’t like the blonde jokes…
what bothers me is buying something manufactured by a heimish company and having half of it in spanish.
speak three languages, youre trilingual. two languages, youre bilingual, one language, youre American.
could we go back on topic now?
mod72 did i pass inspection this time?
BS”D
The famous local anti-atheism joke from Soviet times:
A teacher tells her class that there is no G-d (CV”S) because you cannot see, hear, or feel G-d.
A secretly frum student pipes up and says: “Teacher, we can’t see, hear or feel your intellect either! Does that mean it does not exist?”
and another Soviet classic:
A Jewish stooge for the KGB sees an old Jewish man sitting on a bench, learning Hebrew. He tells the old man: “You old fool, you’re way too old to emigrate to Israel. Stop wasting your time!”
The old man replies: “Ah, yes, but now I am old and I am on my way to Gan Eden, and I heard they speak Hebrew there!”
To which the KGB agent scoffs: “Maybe you are going to Gehennom?”
And the old man replies: “Well, in that case, I already speak Russian!”
BS”D
In Teheran, a man got drunk and ran around the center of the city yelling “The Islamic Republic is a failure! Ahmadinejad is an idiot!”
He was duly sentenced to 40 lashes, amputation of both hands, and 50 years’ imprisonment.
The 40 lashes were for disorderly conduct, the double amputation was for consumption of alcohol in public, and the imprisonment was for revealing state secrets.
I don’t think that the “student” was correct. Hashem did, in fact, create evil (for example, shaidim and mazikim, kochos hatumah and kishuf). Of course, the “professor’s” conclusion is even more ridiculous than the “student’s”. Evil has a purpose, as does disease and calamity.
Another KGB classic, in honor of our Ukrainian joke teller:
Stalin sat down in his chair one morning to write a letter, only to find that his pen was missing. Furious, he called the top brass and demanded that they find the culprit, instantly!
A short while later, Stalin calls back and says, never mind, I found the pen. I had put it in the wrong drawer last night. The official replies, but comrade, we have already made 6 people confess to stealing it!
_____________________________________________
You know what the problem with blonde jokes is? Blondes don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
______________________________________________
We spend a lot of effort teaching our kids not to use bad language, so we can joke about it:
A 7 year old boy picked up a bad word, and started saying it frequently. The parents didn’t know what to do about it, so they asked their minister for advice (you didn’t think this was a Jewish family, did you?). He said the way to get him to stop saying it is to flog it out of him. Next time he uses the word, take him out of the room and give him a whipping to remember!
Sure enough, the next morning the kid says “Pass me the @#%$@#$ cornflakes”. The father jumps up, grabs the kid and takes him out of the room for his punishment. Never before had the kid been punished so harshly. A half hour later, the boy comes back in and sits down gingerly in his seat. Everyone looks up, and he says “I reckon I don’t want any of those @#%$@#$ cornflakes, after all.”
ames, I’ll answer to the best of my knowledge.
True evil can only come from bechirah, i.e. choosing to do evil. You are correct that shaidim and mazikim were created to do destructive things and that it is Hashem’s will that they fulfill this tafkid. But are their jobs not to perform acts of evil? They are not punishable for it, because that is their tafkid and they have no ability to do otherwise. But if a person did those acts they would be punished for it.
Hashem created darkness. The choshech mitzraim was not merely the absence of light. It was a briah.
Hashem created evil. He also bestowed upon man the ability to choose. But what choices would be available to man if He had not created evil? We would have no bechira if only good existed.
This is an esoteric concept, and I hope that you ask it to someone more qualified than me.
squeak- i’m impressed by your down to earth explanation & humbled by your ability to say you don’t know it all
BS”D
Kapusta – as for your haimishe stuff labeled in Spanish it is because of NAFTA and similar agreements where it pays for a haimish firm like Gefen or Lieber to make a supervised run in a Latin American country (especially in Argentina where there are mashgichim already living there).
And back on topic:
The shadchan says: “He speaks Spanish fluently”. He means: “He is from South America, overstayed his student visa, doesn’t speak anything but Spanish and is just looking for an American girl so he can stay in the US legally.”
Itzik,
thanks for your replys, in good spirit, I too, will help contribute to this noble and worthy cause
I felt suicidal last night, so I called a suicide hotline. I reached a call center in Pakistan. They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.
BS”D
Which reminds me of why I do not and will not own a Dell.
I went back to the US for 2 years in 05-07 and the first thing I needed to do was to buy a computer. I had a hard disk drive with me from Russia and wanted to install it in the new machine myself and was worried about the warranty:
Dell service in India: Hello, my name is Sam (my first thought – no, I know your name is Rajesh but who cares). How may I help you?
Me: I want to buy the Dell Dimension whatever model it was but I have a question about the warranty.
Sam (before I have a chance to finish): Yes, we have very good warranty curry flavored with lamb.
Me: continuing: I have a disk drive of my own that I would like to install once I get the computer. May I do it without voiding the warranty?
Sam: Ah, our disk drives are protected and lubricated with my grandmother’s magic vindaloo paste>
Me (slightly fed up): No, Sam, I want to know if I void the warranty by opening the case and installing my own backup disk drive, not what flavors of disk drive you offer.
Sam: Ah, so you would like my grandmother’s recipe for vindaloo. Well, you take curry powder, muriatic acid, a leg of lamb and some yogurt and cook them all together on high flame for three hours.
Me (by then realizing Dell has no service but trying again anyway): Sam, I make my own vindaloo because I can’t eat lamb and milk together. But I am asking about warranties, not vindaloo.
Sam: Ah, well, have a nice day, sir. Today our cafe serves only vindaloo made with lamb and yogurt. Maybe tomorrow we serve disk drive vindaloo.
Me: Sam, thank you very much for your help but I will make my own vindaloo and get an H-P (which I did and their Indian service dept was great and even helped me take care of something that was my own fault and involved my foolhardy use of trial software). The Dell clowns also approved me for credit but never sent me their card or any other papers.
Sam: Thank you for calling Delhi Vindaloo Cafe – I mean Dell Customer Service.
Me (to myself)..now how do you say schlemiel in Hindu again…..Bye-bye, Sam!
BS”D
2/3 of this story is true but dramatized – let’s see who can figure out which 2/3:
When I was in Casablanca, Morocco I wanted to try mahia (sometimes confused with arak), the local Jewish fig brandy. As Morocco is Muslim, it is usually kept behind the counter especially as the bottles have a Magen Dovid and a hechsher on them.
I went to the grocery store nearest to the shul and asked for a bottle. I was duly presented with a few different brands, all about 40% alcohol. I tried each one and frankly, they were all shvache maases with a bit of a kerosene taste.
The next morning, I went to buy some fruit at the same grocer and he asked me how I liked the mahia. I told him the truth, that I expected more alcohol and a drier taste from stories older Moroccan Jews abroad told me (the Moroccans are very respectful of Jews and truly miss those who left). He then gave me the address of an illegal home distiller whom he called ahead so that the distiller would know I was not an inspector. I bought 2 liters of his moonshine, which was supposedly 90% alcohol but did not seem that way to me.
The next morning I went back to get my breakfast of fruit, and I thanked the grocer but told him I really wanted something even stronger. He was a bit irritated but still he called yet another number and then gave me the address of this fellow written in Arabic so I could give it to the taxi driver as well as a piece of paper to hand to him.
This address turned out to be a hardware store on the other end of town. I handed the paper to the owner, and he took out a large white jug and poured part of the contents into an old glass liter Coke bottle, charging me surprisingly little for the stuff. That night I tried some and really enjoyed it. But, as you will see, I experienced an odd reaction…
So again I went to the grocer the next morning to thank him and to buy my morning fruit. This time I told him I really liked it but that I was wearing a black djellaba (native Moroccan robe similar to that which the Baba Sali ZYA wore) and apparently I was perspiring a lot all night – and when I woke up the djellaba had turned pure white!
He said: “Ah, you were the one I sent to Ahmed’s hardware store yesterday! So happy I could help – my mahia and even my friend’s mahia were not strong enough for you so I knew you would like his concentrated lemon flavor bleach!”
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