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BS”D
or an even better ending…”Ah, yes, when you said that even the homemade stuff wasn’t strong enough for you, I remembered I had another Jewish tourist with a long beard and a hat like yours and when he complained I called the rabbi and he said that concentrated bleach from the hardware store is kosher and the closest thing we have to the 96% your people drink!”
kapusta- your last post is outrageously hilarious!
Here’s another good one…
VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Company Policy, Effective January 1, 2010
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Pradas and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you can buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be, and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s note as proof of illness. If you are well enough to go to the doctor, you are well enough to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will now receive 104 days of annual leave each year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In the rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your Lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour earlier.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get thirty minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time you need to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you
The Management.
Arafat and his driver are driving along in Gaza. Suddenly a dog runs
out on the street and they run it over. Arafat feels terrible and
tells his driver, “go find the owners and tell them of my sorrow and
apologize for me.”
The driver goes off to deliver the bad news, and Arafat waits in the car. Twenty
minutes, thirty minutes an hour and the driver still has not returned. That’s it.
Arafat goes off to find him. When he does, he finds him sitting in a family room,
surrounded by dancing children, music playing, a cigar in his mouth and a glass of
champagne in his hand.
“What’s going on?” Arafat demands.
“I’m not certain,” the driver replies. “All I said was, ‘I am Arafat’s driver. The
dog is dead.'”
heimesheyid; ha i really liked that one!!!!
BS”D
What’s the difference between (lehavdil) a rock concert and Mea Shearim?
At the concert you’ll get stoned no matter what you wear!
“if at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you”
-Whats the diffrence between BMG and a beer bottle? The beer starts in the market and ends up in a freezer,BMG you start in the freezer and end on the market.
-In 2004 the White House announced we got Hussein.In 2008 Hussein announced we got the White house.
-B’reishis- In the beginning,
Noach lech- Noach went
Vayayroh Chayay Soroh- and he saw Chaya Sora
Toldos- and he checked out the Yichus
Vayaitzay- and they went out.
Vayishlach- They didn’t like each other, so they sent each other away.
Vayeshev- The shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.
Mikaitz- in the end
Vayigash- they got close
-A Breslover chassid was bragging about his Rebbe to a Litvak.
“You know that every Shabbos we give the Rebbe an aliyah, and even though he has been niftar for 200 years we all hear him say the brachah and we say “amen”.
“That’s not so impressive” said the Litvak. “Let me know when you plan on giving him hagbah
BasYisroel2, just out of curiosity, do you have any idea what happens when you put a glass beer bottle (or a can, for that matter) in the freezer?
try it.
moish, maybe she shouldn’t!
~a~
To moish01: I found this technical explaination:
Taking water for an example, its density is exactly 1. However the density of ice is around 0.8 because of air bubbles that get trapped during the freezing process. Lets say you put this liquid in a closed system (such as a beer bottle). Everyone knows density is weight / volume. Since the weight remains constant (you aren’t adding or subtracting anything from the closed beer bottle) that means you must change volume in order to decrease density. Since volume is on the bottom of the divisor it has an inverse relationship. That means you must increase volume to decrease density during the freezing process. We know that a beer bottle can only hold so much volume of liquid, so when that volume starts increasing its going to put pressure on the glass. This is about when it cracks and makes a mess. a bottle of beer is left in the freezer it will explode.
In other words the beer will explode-i know however the BMG/beer thing its just a joke!
If you want to get all analytical over here maybe we can come up with something that when BMG is in the freezer their ego expands when they are redt to thousands of girls, and then they feel the pressure when a thousand shadchanim and well meaning friends and relatives are running after them and by the time the freezer is open they are a mess – have exploded/are ready to explode, and are ready to run away!Lol!
…at least she knows how to answer…
WELCOME TO THE COFFEEROOM! (i’ll make you a banner some other time)
and you wish i got the chemistry part of it. the logic, yes. but i didn’t get too far into 11th grade so chemistry is not gonna be my forte.
Bas Yisroel, I like this one a lot. Though I am not so sure if it is really humorous!!
-In 2004 the White House announced we got Hussein. In 2008 Hussein announced we got the White house.
BasYisroel2, lol, keep them coming!
-Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you
-Jokes from the Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
Did you hear about the Broadway play, The Palestinians?
It bombed!
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty!
Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it’s just a stone’s throw from Israel!
A small plane carrying Hama and alltop lieutenants crashes and all aboard are killed.
Who is saved?
The world!
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
“Live ammunition.”
A Palestinian girl says to her mommy: “After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?”
-Pres. Bush pushed the button to the elevator in the white house. He was alone. The door opened up and he went in. Inside was Moshe Rabeinu. Bush gasped. Moshe ! The real Moshe. I need to ask you many things. Moshe was silent. Please Moshe tell me about all of the plagues and the wonders. Again Moshe Rabeinu was silent. The doors opened up and Moshe walked out and down the hall. Bush went after him and shouted Moses why don’t you talk to me? Moshe finally replied, ” The last time I spoke to a Bush, I spent 40 years in the desert!”
-A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
>with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
>”honour thy Father and thy Mother,” she asked, “is there
>commandment that tells us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
>Without hesitating one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered,
>”Thou shall not kill.”
A rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a man dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses. Gabriel addresses the man, “I need to know who you are so I can determine whether or not to admit you to Heaven.”
The man replies, “I’m Moshe Levy, the taxi driver.”
“Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says, “OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter Heaven.”
Now it’s the rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, “I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I was the rabbi of Temple Beth Am for forty years.”
Gabriel looks at his list and says, “OK rabbi. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter Heaven.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’
seen on a bumper sticker “insanity is inherited, you get it from your kids”
The last time a customer service representative (CSR) was giving me a confimation code, with the cues “A as in apple, F as in Frank, x as in x-ray” etc., I was thinking that a sadistic CSR oculd really have fun with this:
“Your confirmation code is KPXM123. That’s K as in knight, P as in pseudonym, X as in xylophone, M as in mnemonic, and the numbers 1, 2, 3.”
Here’s a kid one: My 3-year-old was going through a stage where he asked questions all the time, and frequently repeated them (I think to see if my answers would change). So I once asked him, “Do you get paid by the question or by the word?” He looked at me and replied, “Both”.
BS”D
What do you call a moderate in Iran?
Someone who allows anesthesia when chopping off thieves’ hands.
the mental health 1 i have as a ring tone lol
BasYisroel2: ha the mental heath one was hilarious!!!
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for
your gender.’
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/friend is taking their sweet time:
>Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares …. and see what happens.
>Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
>Move a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
>Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
>when a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
>Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
>While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
>Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
>Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say “PICK ME!”
>When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
(And; last, but not least!)
>Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
asdfghjkl: those were hilarious, i’m literally on the floor.$
asdfghjkl: those were hilarious, i’m literally on the floor.$
asdfghjkl – that first one is hilarious
asdf im lol
thanx guys!!! glad ya enjoyed!!! i dug them out from really old emails!!!!
asdf, those are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~a~
asdf… I think my husband is on your email forwarding list or your on his!! but it still makes me laugh!!
mazal- I think if you have an email address you automatically get these jokes…I love the walmart one hysterical
mazal77: yeah very possible!!!
moish01: ya didn’t like the walmart one!!! that’s my favorite one!!!
anonymisss: thanx!!! i laugh every time i read them!!!!
A Rabbi arrived at a shul to give a speech.He sat and waited silently.The audience sat patiently
waiting for the Rabbi to begin. Rabbi continues to sit quietly. Fed up waiting, a few men approach
the Rabbi.”Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech!”
The Rabbi points to his mouth and
whispers to them,”I left my false teeth at home.”
The men run to the Rabbi’s house and return with
the false teeth. The Rabbi starts speaking.
He talks and talks. It is getting late, the audience
wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking. Someone approached the
Rabbi and asked politely, “Rabbi,why do you talk so much…”? The Rabbi answered:….”You brought
my wife’s teeth”!!
(DISCLAIMER: I copied and pasted this- any grammar errors are not mine!)
_________________________________________________________________
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was
greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your
Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the
boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that
noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed
the helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are
they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with
a muffled giggle: “ME.”
Bas Yisroel, those jokes were for the books! I love the mental one!
Heres a good one,
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed “Listen, I have a commuter’s ticket for the train. Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for – why should you pay extra. “The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”. “Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?” The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked “would you let me compare signatures – would you please sign your name?” The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, “Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”
beacon: ha that was great!!!!!!!!!
asdfghjkl- haha those were great
what do u get when a chassidish and yekki get married?
a wedding that is exactly 2 hours late
teen: thanx!!! your was good too!!! welcome to the coffee room!!! head to the new members thread so the rest of the coffee room board members could give ya a proper welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanx
already did 🙂
4 truths of the world:
1) u cannot touch all of ur teeths with ur tounge
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2) most ppl will try this
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3) most ppl will laugh bec they tried it
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4)ur laughing bec u tried it 😀
teen: that was a good one, i actually did try it.$
i hate to break it to u….i can touch all my teeth with my tounge
yea teen LOL. any other ones like that. DOES THIS MEAN I CULD EDIT IT? and get it by the mods saying watever
I’m laughing because it says teeths. does that count?
im laughing cause you said laughimg! LOL! was that on purpose?
beacon: haha yeh i noticed that after i wrote it…oh well im terrible at spelling anyway 🙂
but i dont think there is one person who doesnt try it….except for one person who spaced out in middle haha
i actually didn’t try – i was waiting till the end to try it – i always skim these kinda things first. maybe i’m ADD
flatbush- I’ll let you decide.. (thank you for the edit button mods!!)
Civilizations, nations and empires that have tried to destroy the Jewish People:
NATION STATUS
Ancient Egypt X- GONE
Philistines X- GONE
Assyrian Empire X- GONE
Babylonian Empire X- GONE
Persian Empire X- GONE
Greek Empire X- GONE
Roman Empire X- GONE
Byzantine Empire X- GONE
Crusaders X- GONE
Spanish Empire X- GONE
Nazi Germany X- GONE
Soviet Union X- GONE
HAMAS IN-PROCESS
G-d Bless The IDF!
THE JEWISH PEOPLE
The smallest of nations
but with a Friend in the highest of places!
moish01: there is always the one person who says the didnt do it it 😉
areivimzehlazeh: when u lay it out like that it does seem pretty amazing
Snow is like a shvigger…comes for one hour and it creates problems for two weeks!
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