Dating Issue

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  • #597186

    TorahJoo
    Member

    Hey all. I’m a guy in shidduchim. I’m told i’m a fun person with great personality, i love learning and I’m a serious jew. However, I have a stuttering problem. Obviously this becomes apparent on dates pretty quickly. I just wanted to throw a few questions out there and see what people think. If you were set up with someone on a date, and very soon into that first date, you notice he/she has a stuttering problem, how would you want that person to react. Would you want them to ignore their problem, or bring it up and discuss it openly and casually. On the one hand, it might make for awkward and uncomfortable converstaion. But on the other hand, it might make for an interesting icebreaker. And do you think discussing it openly would gain your respect or not necessarily? (This doesn’t have to be in shidduchim.)

    Thanks in advance for your responses

    #773280

    Dovid S.
    Member

    Hey. I am personally friends with a number of people who stutter. It’s the neshama that matters, not outside appearances/habits, at least in my view (Remember that Moshe Rabeinu had problems with speech as well, that didn’t stop him from being the biggest Navi ever). Whether to say or not to beforehand… I’d say it depends on how you think it would affect your date. Good luck!

    Bhatzlacha, Dovid

    #773281

    ZeesKite
    Participant

    I don’t see any stuttering in your post.

    If I’m not mistaken, there are methods of correcting that. I think there were threads about that.

    #773282

    miritchka
    Member

    If i went out with a guy who stuttered, which i have, i’d try not to let it become an issue. i mean, it does make a difference if the guy would sort of ‘break the ice’ instead of making a big deal about it or waiting for me to say something. The guy i went out with did make a small joke about it and that was it. Our date went okay and his stutter wasnt an issue. (no, i did not end up marrying him, but he was nice!!)

    good luck!

    #773283

    veteran
    Member

    I heard a story about a stutterer in shidduchim:

    A Rosh Yeshiva recommended a certain bochur in his yeshiva to a local man inquiring on behalf of his daughter. The RY listed the bochur’s qualities as a masmid and a baal kishron (etc) and the date was set up. The bochur happened to have a stuttering problem. When he arrived at the girl’s house and knocked at the door, the father of the girl opened the door. The nervous bochur tried to introduce himself, but what came out was “M… m… m…” and it was a full 5 minutes before he managed to say “M… m.. my name is Levi”.

    The next day, the father told the RY what had happened and said that he will not go forward with the shidduch. The RY asked him why not, his stutter is not so bad most of the time and he is a fine bochur. The father said, “I am not saying no to him because of his stutter, but because he is a fool.” “Why is he a fool? On the contrary he is known to be quite smart”. The father replied, “No he is a fool. He should have started to talk 5 minutes before he knocked!”

    #773284

    zaidy78
    Participant

    As a stutterer myself, (and very happily married), the less self conscience you are about it, the better off you are. Just ignore it. She will obviously notice it, and if it bothers her, she will say no. If she can see beyond your speech impairment, then she is someone who really deserves you!

    Hatzlacha Rabba

    #773285

    minyan gal
    Member

    Perhaps a few sessions with a speech therapist may help you. I know that it is more difficult to remedy the problem as an adult, but there are many tips that you may be able to obtain that can reduce your stuttering. Even more importantly, a good therapist can reduce your anxiety about stuttering.

    #773286

    aries2756
    Participant

    So why not let the prospective girl know before your date. Don’t you call her on the phone to set up the date? Isn’t it better to ‘Not” surprise her? You say you are a fun person so why not use that to your advantage? Turn on the charm from the get go and let her know that you have this problem but B”H that is really the only problem that Hashem has challenged you with and you have not let it get in your way. If she can give you a chance you can promise her a good time, etc. If you are not uncomfortable about it she shouldn’t’ be. If you don’t make it an issue, she shouldn’t and if you are not nervous, you won’t make it worse. So don’t make it the elephant in the room.

    #773287

    A Heimishe Mom
    Participant

    Stuttering is something one can get used to. You can joke about it if you feel comfortable doing so. If she can’t get used to it then it isn’t meant to be. Same as a big nose or bald head

    #773288

    RedNails19
    Participant

    Stuttering sahoul be the least of your problems, i think we all can agree that we know at least 5 people who stutter and we come to love the person just the same or it just becomes unnoticed after a while…i think a few close people in my life stutter and i dont even realize it, sometimes people are like- hey, doesnt that peson stuter- (eyes rasied/confused look ) what? seriously, i dont think so, even if they did i dont notice it!

    #773289

    my brother stutters

    i dont even notice anymore

    #773290
    #773292

    RedNails19
    Participant

    mike- agreed

    #773293

    veteran
    Member

    If we’re just listing names of people with stutters, don’t forget Prince Albert/King George VI.

    #773294

    ilovetheholyland
    Participant

    i think that saying something beforehand and talking about it openly would make me feel more comfortable than just letting me decide on my own what to make of it…and just remember that everyone has their shortcomings.

    #773295

    yetzertov
    Member

    Aries2756:not sure what age group or which circles you run in.I can only speak for myself. In our yeshivish circles,nowadays.boys do not call the girls before dates,unless they reach a point that they are serious w eachother and then they’ll drop the shadchan. It can be a comedy: boys running late,he calls his mom,who calls shadchan,who calls girls mom who tells her daughter oh boys running late!by that point the boy has arrived! So yes, I wish the boy could still be able to call the girl!

    #773296

    GeshmakMan
    Participant

    You’ll be fine IYH, I had/have the same issue and BH am happily married with children.

    I would recommend getting some quick therapy courses and just go with it. “Mi Sam Peh La Eeleym?” Its all in Hashem’s hands anyway (like everything else!).

    Hatzlacha!

    #773297

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Here is a list of famous people who have had stuttering disorders in their lives.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_stutterers

    While I can’t vouch for the entire list, I’d be willing to bet that a good portion of them went on to find spouses and have good, happy marriages (and careers).

    The Wolf

    #773298

    adorable
    Participant

    whoever marries you is lucky to have someone who is so honest with himself and knows himself so well

    good luck

    #773299

    Pac-Man
    Member

    adorable: Maybe you and TorahJoo??

    #773301

    adorable
    Participant

    no thanks. its nice of you to think about others though but i dont think that is something i can deal with.

    #773302

    TorahJoo
    Member

    Thanks all for your responses. For all those who suggested it, i have gotten therapy (a very effective one at that), and using it, I can probably close to eliminate the problem. It’s very time consuming and habitual change, so it takes a while and i don’t have time to wait. Thanks for all your input

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