Dating topics

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  • #595133
    an idea
    Participant

    Hi I know this has been discussed before in the CR but I don’t think it did justice to the topic. What are good topics to discuss during the first couple of dates when the couple is first getting acquainted with each other. Married couples are invited to share topics that worked for them. Also girls please share what topics you are/ are not comfortable to guide guys what to bring up.

    #746482
    cocacola
    Member

    oh you know.. girls talk about sem and how much fun it was and how amazing eretz yisroel is.. (just dont sound too high up in the clouds) and guys talk abt yeshiva and his yrs in eretz yisroel.. (as if either one of them is interested in what the other has to say) and then theres always ppl that you both know so you talk abt them (only nice things obviously..no lashon hara) and just kinda go with the flow.. if its near a y”t .. talk abt that and what your fam does for it.. girls are more lucky cuz the guy is the one who usually starts up the convo.. but if its a shy guy.. GOOD LUCK!

    #746483
    Tums
    Member

    Discuss a shiur you heard.

    #746484
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    You should discuss which topics are good to discuss on a date. When she asks for your opinion, you should say “discussing which topics are good to discuss on a date”. In theory, the conversation will never end, and you won’t have any “dead spots”.

    #746485
    aries2756
    Participant

    Keep to “pareve” subjects. Travel, sports, families, friends, hobbies, books, food, favorite games, etc. Stay away from halachic discussions and deep inyanim. You are not chavrusas.

    #746486
    shuli
    Participant

    as a girl, there arent things that you can say, we arent comforable with because we are all different. but me, im not interested in politics.

    #746487
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Keep to “pareve” subjects.

    Do you mean that they shouldn’t discuss cholov Yisroel? 🙂

    #746488
    an idea
    Participant

    Hey guys thanks for the ides. sometimes its hard to initate ideas to get into the topics you suggested any ideas how to keep the convo flowing?

    #746489

    Never had any problem with it.

    For girls:

    1. compliment him on his parking/driving (especially if he stands back to admire his parallel parking…. that’s your cue)

    2. Let him start and direct the conversation, but don’t be afraid to speak up and say what you think (boys don’t generally get hints, and they don’t get offended easily)

    3. Smile when you talk

    4. On a first date, do not bring up anything controversial. Starting the second date, you can bring up more interesting topics. On the first date, let him decide where the convo will go.

    5. Ask him about himself… his favorite summer, class, future plans, etc. Ask him if he could tell you a little bit about his yeshiva (they LOVE talking yeshiva politics!)

    #746490
    yossi z.
    Member

    Um not all boys love discussing yeshivah politics, yeshivah gossip maybe (I personally don’t like either)

    I like the idea of discussing what should be talked about on dates. That could turn out to be quite a fun/ny conversation

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #746491
    hanib
    Participant

    good question: why did he/she decide to go to that yeshiva/seminary? just know that if continue dating, will get deeper answer for these questions. but still can ask questions like this to get to know person better.

    where went for shabbosos when in israel or wherever? where have better friend – from highschool and or yeshiva/seminary experience? what places in america, israel, europe have seen – what was it like? what do during day – shiurim, classes, job,etc. ask for more details about them. be/act interested in what person says and ask for more details.

    #746492
    yossi z.
    Member

    Binahyeseira: what? You mean like a normal, real, conversation? Nah, why would we do that? Seriously though how do you start the conversation because I find that continuing isn’t an issue but starting is (this goes for topics as well)

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #746493
    an idea
    Participant

    I agree yossi thats what i asked before. How to initiate topics and ways to flow from topic to topic. Any ideas in the cr?

    #746494

    Yossi Z., that’s impressive.

    How about asking girls what they do, their job, what’s their favorite part of the job, what shiurim/books they like (if she’s an intellectual type), if they enjoy reading and if so what,

    do they follow politics, do they read Yated, Hamodia, Mishpacha, Binah, Ami, or Zman and why.

    If not intellectual – what do they do in their spare time, what do they do for fun, on vacation, chessed committments… let it flow!

    #746495
    yossi z.
    Member

    Pascha: did I miss something or are you referring to the fact that I find continuing not to be an issue?

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #746496
    cshapiro
    Member

    i dated a guy who talked about starwars/startrek and a lot of his humor had to do with seventies movies and the like. Besides not laughing at any of his jokes cause i didnt get them, idk it was like we had nothing to talk about, and i was scared to talk about girly stuff and bore him to death…

    #746497
    canine
    Member

    Was that your “yeshivish” guy date?

    #746498
    cshapiro
    Member

    lol…more yeshivish then others if u must know!!

    #746499

    Yossi Z. That you don’t like discussing yeshiva politics or gossip.

    #746500
    cshapiro
    Member

    btw canine i think i could classify it as the worst date ever, and believe me, ive been on a few….

    #746501

    first of all girls don’t be too afraid to offend the guy, we are usually more thick skinned, and rather get a conversation started than be in a akward state of quiet.

    second of all I noticed many guys and girls run quickly into more deep and emotional topics quickly. I heard from a rebbi that you should learn first how to enjoy eachothers company somewhat before “spilling the beans”. many guys rush to that because of the conversations they have in yeshiva and how easy it is to bring it up.

    #746502
    an idea
    Participant

    Come on guys! This thread had so much potential! Girls please give your input into this important topic!

    #746503

    Girls do you have any more suggestions of what to talk about on first few dates?

    Also how long do people think that dates should last, should they get longer, the longer you are going out for?

    #746504

    Stamford: After the first two dates, the conversation should flow on its own and get more serious.

    No, they don’t keep on getting longer… the first should be limited to like 2-3 hours MAXIMUM, the second can be longgg if you really like the person, then it sort of plateaus. (Not that I’ve dated so much, but based on hearsay_

    #746505
    vicpr
    Member

    One would assume you had a telephone conversation first (or else how would u know what day/time)? Why not pick up on that conversation (assuming you had more than a 15 second conversation to arrange day/time)? What did you talk about? If it was something fun/interesting/funny go with it and see where it takes you.

    #746506
    cshapiro
    Member

    def compliment his car, even if he drives a hunk-a-junk :))

    #746507
    Still looking
    Participant

    Guys: please make sure the first 2 dates do not last any more than 3 hours! It is so hard on the girl (as I’m sure it is hard for you!) When a guy keep me out for long, I come home so sick and I cant even thiiiink of seeing him again.

    As for conversations, try to let flow and be natural as opposed to constantly bringing up new topics. Of course you will need to prepare a couple but rather relax and let the conversation run its course. And PLEASE, if you see the conversation’s not going well, there’s nothing wrong with taking the girl home after 2 hours!

    #746508
    cshapiro
    Member

    my rabbi told me not to go on long dates until your engaged because in many cases you end up liking the person or hating the person after spending so much time together and that my blind you from seeing the bigger picture. i spent an entire day with a guy because he flew me out to his home town and i had so much fun and i really liked him, but the next day he had to work and couldnt see me till the afternoon and i was insulted that his work came first….so that ended that…of course there are more details but u can read all about them in my book coming out iyh in june to a bookstore near u lol

    #746509
    lightitup
    Member

    I personally like talking Jewish geography, funny stories that happened to us and what we want to name our kids (jk!) on the first or so date. Then there’s always the topics of camp, school, jobs, family, etc.

    Some people progress and get more comfortable and serious faster than others. A lot of times its good to play by ear. Of course topics should get deeper and more serious as time goes on. That also helps further a developing connection.

    In terms of length of dates, I dont think there is a rule. I think that 1 1/2 to 2 hours is ideal for a first date, unless of course its going very well-my cousin got engaged after a 14 hour first date! Not typical but it worked for her 🙂

    #746510
    charliehall
    Participant

    “What are good topics to discuss during the first couple of dates when the couple is first getting acquainted with each other. “

    We met on frumster.com and corresponded for five weeks before we could meet in person as we lived in different cities and the fall chagim took place during that time. In that correspondence we talked about our goals, values, hashkafah, lifestyles, and politics quite early on. Before we met we talked to each others’ rabbis. By the time we met we knew we had a huge amount in common so that the only question was whether there was chemistry.

    I found this SO much better than all the blind dates that went nowhere.

    #746511
    dunno
    Member

    Lol cshapiro. I can’t wait to read it! But I actually dated a guy a few times and all the dates were long (about 5 hours). It didn’t stop me from liking him… If other guys would have done it though…

    #746512
    allsgr8
    Participant

    cshapiro- did you already right one book or is this your first one?

    #746513
    cshapiro
    Member

    oh this would be the sequel…i divide my dating career up between before europe and then after…lol

    the truth is, if u cant stand the person u will be dying to go home after an hour or two….but if u like the person, spending 6-8 hours together may cause u to ‘fall in love’ aka infatuation..

    #746514
    red head
    Member

    i’ve gone on plenty of dates…and i’ve got a few notes for the guys:

    1 – dont talk about learning…chaburas….

    2 – dont’ say a dvar torah

    3 – you’re allowed to take off your hat

    4 – don’t ask the girl differences between seminaries. weird

    5 – be chilled. you’re allowed to crack a joke on/to the girl

    g’luck!

    #746515
    cshapiro
    Member

    Lol red head abt sem…yeah thatd be wierd, but honestly I would love for a guy to talk at least a few minutes abt torah without me asking, and yes ive put guys on the spot….but I am very interested in judiasm, torah and hashem and I am looking for someone similiar so of course id love them to talk abt those topics. Problem…i usually date modern guys who talk abt career, money, their good looks and football 🙂

    #746516
    red head
    Member

    well im not saying that you should not talk any torah on dates….but def not on the first 2 or 3! thats pushing it! and i would totaly be turned away that talk about their looks and money! that’s soooo egotistic! first few dates should just be chit chat

    #746517
    cshapiro
    Member

    red head…if a guys talking torah and u dont like it, maybe ur dating the wrong crowd….i know i may give off a modern impression but i really want someone who is more yeshivish than me…

    #746518
    allsgr8
    Participant

    cshapiro- just curious..If you give off a “modern impression” why do you think a guy that is more yeshivish than you will want a wife that is less yeshivish than him?? Unless he’s trying to veer to the left…and it doesnt sound like that’s the type of guy you’d want as a husband….

    #746519
    red head
    Member

    cshapiro – it was only really 2 guys who talked Torah. ya know that after dating for a while…at least by me, the type of guys you go out with are quite different from where you started. you can narrow it down more what you need..what bugs you. so the guys that talked Torah aren’t so recent 😉

    allsgr8 – i think you’re very wrong. we should always want to marry someone who is better than us. no one is ever on the exact same page. and being that, you want someone better than you because you know your own faults and you prob dont want someone like that:) your’e supposed to grow from each other in marriage

    #746520
    MDG
    Participant

    You want to find out about the person, so ask questions that tell you about their thinking, needs, wants, and goals. For example:

    1) Schooling – what did they like or dislike about it, favorite teachers, favorite subjects, etc What might you like to study in the future?

    2) Talk about shopping – how often do they go, what do they get, what are they saving for, are the a compulsive shopper, etc

    3) What shul do they go to? How do they like the davening? How’s the kiddush? What kind of people go there (careful with this as it may lead to L”H)?

    4) Hobbies and leisure – recent vacations? where would you like to go? What kind of hobbies? Play sports or exercise? Web usage? Do you use the CR?

    #746521
    cshapiro
    Member

    allsgr8…i just want someone who inspires me…not someone who puts me to sleep.

    red head same here…but also i changed and became a more sincere person. i am looking for a solid guy and i feel like so many of the guys i date are either, not frum enough, not mature enough or not ready to commit…..or annoy me to know end lol but it takes a lot to drive me nuts :))

    #746522
    allsgr8
    Participant

    red-head: You’re right that marriage is all about growth etc. and we should strive to marry someone that we will be able to grow with..Maybe it was just the wording that cshapiro used..”Yeshivish” I think she meant more along the lines of “frum”…Yes! That makes sense!

    Hatzlacha to both of you!

    #746523
    dunno
    Member

    I don’t agree with “red head” either. I like when guys bring Torah into the conversations. Granted, I’m not gonna understand a long, hard Gemara but a little here and there is definitely not a turn off.

    #746524
    yid.period
    Member

    I’m not speaking from a girl’s perspective but I’d assume if a nice short story with a nice message/vort in it came up– and was relevant to the conversation, then it would be fine. It would just be akward/boring if it was a planned monologue… am I right?

    #746525
    dunno
    Member

    I’m not speaking from a girl’s perspective but I’d assume if a nice short story with a nice message/vort in it came up– and was relevant to the conversation, then it would be fine. It would just be akward/boring if it was a planned monologue… am I right?

    Yes.

    #746526
    ZeesKite
    Participant

    How could one be a Torah oriented Jew and not bring HaShem into conversation??? To me that’s number one! Torah true Jew have HaShem in the center, He should always be first and foremost. As a side benefit, that is also key to success.

    I think there’s a Rashi that says Yosef had HaShem’s name constantly in his mouth – Shem Shamaim shagur b’fiv, therefore, the Torah says – Vyehi birchas HaShem babayis, HaShem’s blessings were in the household. I’m not one to darshan or expound, but I think the message is quite clear!

    #746527

    yid.period – of course. I personally love short cute divrei Torah. I love discussing them, and hope to find a boy who likes to do the same.

    #746528
    red head
    Member

    Zeeskit: How could one be a Torah oriented Jew and not bring HaShem into conversation???

    um…honestly, do all our conversations have to include Hashem? I mean we could be thinking it, but perhaps it annoys ppl when everything is so Hashkafadic??!!

    I happen to know that a certain Rav told the boys that the first dates should just be talk – naerishkeit

    and of course, it all depends on how the vort/dvar Torah comes up

    #746529
    ZeesKite
    Participant

    Do all our conversations have to include Hashem?

    I don’t really think so. But at least the first. Upon greeting someone, the first word we utter is Hashem’s Name!

    #746530
    red head
    Member

    yes i agree that’s how we should reply – but that’s not a converstion

    Just confirming cause you said how could a Torah Jew not bring Hashem into conversation….

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