March 1, 2009 6:46 pm at 6:46 pm #1059028
wow i didnt know you took your job so seriously i mean all it is is a funny email who really cares if it is true i thought as long as its content is ok but i guess not or mod 39 just doesnt like me:(March 1, 2009 6:46 pm at 6:46 pm #1059030JosephParticipant
39, any prob w/saying gut gefregt or the dvar torah that took an hour to compile in the gender thread?
Should be up by now. Sorry, Yiddish isn’t my language, I was hopping another mod would do the ‘dirty work’
YW Moderator-39March 1, 2009 6:49 pm at 6:49 pm #1059031an open bookParticipant
ok thanxMarch 1, 2009 6:50 pm at 6:50 pm #1059032squeakParticipant
I liked the airplane one. Reminds me of a story I heard from a Southern Yid.
The phone rings in an Alabama police station, and the captain answers the phone. The lady on the other end identifies herself and says in her thick Southern drawl, “I’m calling to report a burglary in my home. But I don’t want any filth coming into my home, so kindly make sure that you don’t send any Jewish cops.”
10 minutes later, the lady answers her door to find 3 uniformed policemen standing on her doorstep with their hats in hand. The officers are all black as coal. The lady takes one look and nearly faints. She asks, “I just called in a burglary, are you the ones they sent.”
“But the captain should know better than this. Surely this must be a mistake.”
“No’m, Captain Cohen never does make mistakes.”March 1, 2009 7:14 pm at 7:14 pm #1059033
mod 39 do I have to remind you about rule X about not going off topic? 🙂March 1, 2009 7:16 pm at 7:16 pm #1059034
mod 39 just checked it for you
Topic and tone (section 2)
1. all posts must be kept on topic
I’m waiting for your defense 🙂March 1, 2009 7:29 pm at 7:29 pm #1059035qwertyuiopMember
squeak: good one!!$$March 1, 2009 8:41 pm at 8:41 pm #105903622OldGoldParticipant
Little Johnny’s at it again….. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’
* * * * * * * * * * *
If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too ya know!March 1, 2009 8:42 pm at 8:42 pm #105903722OldGoldParticipant
This is for Smart Women who need a laugh and men who think they can handle it (that’s the title)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
G-d made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
G-d made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the “New”[?] Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
G-d may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.March 1, 2009 9:24 pm at 9:24 pm #1059038lovenlifeMember
My shadow: u had some really great ones!!!!!!March 1, 2009 9:28 pm at 9:28 pm #1059039
baal kishron, you’re missing the second half of that joke… 😉 it proves that we’re not just being biased!March 1, 2009 11:50 pm at 11:50 pm #1059040
I feel the need to lay some ground rules for this forum. First of all, if you are presenting a story. it is incumbent on YOU to research whether or not it is accurate. The ATM story and the story of the girl online (and the soccer game) are MYTHS! The Stella Awards (which did not get posted) is also not true. If this continues, serious consideration will be given to shutting this topic down.
We already have a humor thread where the jokes can go up, so please make sure these stories are factual, OR POST THEM AS “A MYTH WITH A NICE LESSON” or something.
Because I made reference to it in a previous post, here is the TRUE story of the lady who sued McDonalds over spilled coffee (please do not comment on it UNLESS you have read the entire story.
There is a lot of hype about the McDonalds’ scalding coffee case. No
one is in favor of frivolous cases of outlandish results; however, it is
important to understand some points that were not reported in most of
the stories about the case. McDonalds coffee was not only hot, it was
scalding — capable of almost instantaneous destruction of skin, flesh
and muscle. Here’s the whole story.
Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, New Mexico, was in the passenger seat of
her grandson’s car when she was severely burned by McDonalds’ coffee in
February 1992. Liebeck, 79 at the time, ordered coffee that was served
in a styrofoam cup at the drivethrough window of a local McDonalds.
After receiving the order, the grandson pulled his car forward and
stopped momentarily so that Liebeck could add cream and sugar to her
coffee. (Critics of civil justice, who have pounced on this case, often
charge that Liebeck was driving the car or that the vehicle was in
motion when she spilled the coffee; neither is true.) Liebeck placed
the cup between her knees and attempted to remove the plastic lid from
the cup. As she removed the lid, the entire contents of the cup spilled
into her lap.
The sweatpants Liebeck was wearing absorbed the coffee and held it next to her skin. A vascular surgeon determined that Liebeck suffered full thickness burns (or third-degree burns) over 6 percent of her body, including her inner thighs, perineum, buttocks, and genital and groin areas. She was hospitalized for eight days, during which time she underwent skin grafting. Liebeck, who also underwent debridement treatments, sought to settle her claim for $20,000, but McDonalds refused. During discovery, McDonalds produced documents showing more than 700 claims by people burned by its coffee between 1982 and 1992. Some claims involved third-degree burns substantially similar to Liebecks. This history documented McDonalds’ knowledge about the extent and nature of this hazard. McDonalds also said during discovery that, based on a consultants advice, it held its coffee at between 180 and 190 degrees fahrenheit to maintain optimum taste. He admitted that he had not evaluated the safety ramifications at this temperature. Other establishments sell coffee at substantially lower temperatures, and coffee served at home is generally 135 to 140 degrees. Further, McDonalds’ quality assurance manager testified that the company actively enforces a requirement that coffee be held in the pot at 185 degrees, plus or minus five degrees. He also testified that a burn hazard exists with any food substance served at 140 degrees or above, and that McDonalds coffee, at the temperature at which it was poured into styrofoam cups, was not fit for consumption because it would burn the mouth and throat. The quality assurance manager admitted that burns would occur, but testified that McDonalds had no intention of reducing the “holding temperature” of its coffee. Plaintiffs’ expert, a scholar in thermodynamics applied to human skin burns, testified that liquids, at 180 degrees, will cause a full thickness burn to human skin in two to seven seconds. Other testimony showed that as the temperature decreases toward 155 degrees, the extent of the burn relative to that temperature decreases exponentially. Thus, if Liebeck’s spill had involved coffee at 155 degrees, the liquid would have cooled and given her time to avoid a serious burn. McDonalds asserted that customers buy coffee on their way to work or home, intending to consume it there. However, the companys own research showed that customers intend to consume the coffee immediately while driving. McDonalds also argued that consumers know coffee is hot and that its customers want it that way. The company admitted its customers were unaware that they could suffer thirddegree burns from the coffee and that a statement on the side of the cup was not a “warning” but a “reminder” since the location of the writing would not warn customers of the hazard. The jury awarded Liebeck $200,000 in compensatory damages. This amount was reduced to $160,000 because the jury found Liebeck 20 percent at fault in the spill. The jury also awarded Liebeck $2.7 million in punitive damages, which equals about two days of McDonalds’ coffee sales. Post-verdict investigation found that the temperature of coffee at the local Albuquerque McDonalds had dropped to 158 degrees fahrenheit. The trial court subsequently reduced the punitive award to $480,000 — or three times compensatory damages — even though the judge called McDonalds’ conduct reckless, callous and willful. No one will ever know the final ending to this case. The parties eventually entered into a secret settlement which has never been revealed to the public, despite the fact that this was a public case, litigated in public and subjected to extensive media reporting. Such secret settlements, after public trials, should not be condoned.
March 1, 2009 11:57 pm at 11:57 pm #1059041
mod 39, youre a toughie, not bad, but still a toughie. 🙂
I think most people are taking most posts on this thread with a grain of salt. the original title was good forwards, good meaning something to benefit from. why does it make a difference if its true or not as long as the message comes across? 🙂
p.s. keep up the good work modding, no ones voting you out of this (yet) 🙂March 1, 2009 11:58 pm at 11:58 pm #1059042JosephParticipant
39, Are you stating YWN is now monitoring the accuracy of all posts, and will only post after verification (and hence the readership can rely on the good faith efforts of the mods)?
I really wish I was, but, unfortunately, I will take your word for it when you quote a tur or some other miforesh. (In other words, no Joseph, I did not say that!)
The blatant ones (lies/misquotes) don’t get published. TRUST ME, YOU SHOULD SEE THE TRASH WE TRASH . Man power and time limit us in this endeavor (side point, this is why longer posts take longer to get approved). There is a reason, though, for why we the policy of the mods is to either delete, or “leave for another mod” those things you question whether or not they belong on The Yeshiva World .
YW Moderator-39March 1, 2009 11:59 pm at 11:59 pm #1059043
this is waaaay off topic, but i heard that McDonald’s coffee is supposed to be better than any other (including starbucks and the coffee bean)
i wouldn’t know, though – haven’t tried it. 😉March 2, 2009 12:00 am at 12:00 am #1059044
a toughie? maybe. but he actually seems like an ok guy, kapusta. don’t diss him…March 2, 2009 12:02 am at 12:02 am #1059045
kapusta, I’ll be maskim that some people take it with a grain of salt. But after reading in other threats about guilt by association and Kosher by association. I feel it to be my incumbent duty to have said what I did. Last thing i want is for someone to say “See, its true, otherwise the mods wouldn’t have posted it. See, they agree that its fact!”
Like I said before to someone else (I think it was ba’al kishron), this might just be a pet peeve of mine.March 2, 2009 12:04 am at 12:04 am #1059046
ok, I agree youre just being a good mod could you post a disclaimer or something on my original post and then allow everything acceptable through? 🙂March 2, 2009 12:04 am at 12:04 am #1059047
Last thing i want is for someone to say “See, its true, otherwise the mods wouldn’t have posted it. See, they agree that its fact!”
oh don’t worry, 39. we don’t think THAT highly of you even though you are a mod…March 2, 2009 8:02 am at 8:02 am #1059050
mod 39? you there? could you put a disclaimer on my OP?March 2, 2009 8:06 am at 8:06 am #1059051
will doMarch 2, 2009 8:09 am at 8:09 am #1059052
thank you glad to have 50 second updates again! 🙂
btw, the way I wrote it was really funny could you make it sound a bit more normal? It gets to me whenever I see it.
moish would be proud of me if I told you that you are a good mod, consider it being done 🙂March 2, 2009 8:10 am at 8:10 am #1059053
thank you mod 39, I see you work quickly 🙂March 2, 2009 8:10 am at 8:10 am #1059054
well now that mod 39 started this “cant be posted unless it is true” now you WILL have ppl say oh it was posted it must be true if it was just left alone all the posts would be taken for exactly what they are: good forwards and thats it oh well now i will have to waste an extra three hours a day researching my spam:)
and to moish if i am having trouble posting something that is kosher just may not be true you can really forget the second half of that joke unless you can mod it yourself cuz im to busy writing dissertations on various stella awardsMarch 2, 2009 8:13 am at 8:13 am #1059055
mod 39 what happened to the disclaimer? 🙂
baal kishron glad to have ya on board1 🙂March 2, 2009 8:21 am at 8:21 am #1059056
1st of all (baal kishron) I loved your joke about the husband store.
Also, please do not misquote me, I NEVER said it cannot be posted if not true. I just want to prevent the CR from becoming a place where myths get passed on as fact. Yes, we want people to be able to believe things they read here (but we would advise them to check things out themselves too). This is a dangerous topic. Forwards often go out offering “life saving advice” which can be ineffective (or worse). I have gotten e-mails stating things like “entering your PIN on an ATM backwards will call the police if you are beings mugged” or “If you are driving and you are being followed, DO NOT CALL 911, Call *77” These are e-mail which are being sent around which are FALSE!! Devoting a board to these forwards makes it incumbent that we know fact vs. fiction before having “The Yeshiva World”‘s name associated with it.March 2, 2009 8:25 am at 8:25 am #1059057
mod 39 if I can involve myself in this discussion, most (if not all) posts on this thread will have anything to do with that. and thats your job, to make sure those dont get through 🙂March 2, 2009 8:32 am at 8:32 am #1059058
agreed, but like I have been saying this entire time. This IS a pet peeve of mine, and OTHER mods might not be as makpid on it.
You tried posting something called “The Stella Awards” awards give to people who made frivolous lawsuits (named after someone whose lawsuit was anything but frivolous) I casted doubt whether I can post it since I already have cause to believe that there will be inaccurate statements.
After further research I discovered most, if not all of the cases were fabricated. Why should I post it? Why should a message listing false claims of frivolous lawsuits being used to prove the point that the justice system is broken be posted?
I think it was worse than the “girl online/soccer game” story. That could happen (and might have occurred in another form). here you are trying to make a point using doctored evidence.
Objection Overruled!March 2, 2009 8:38 am at 8:38 am #1059059
OK, I think I’d be better off if I just let you do your modding (for now) what happened to the disclaimer?March 2, 2009 8:39 am at 8:39 am #1059060
Look at the opening post. I added it to your OP (as you requested)March 2, 2009 8:41 am at 8:41 am #1059061
while i def hear where you are coming from it does come off slightly hypocritical and even wierd that we are having this disagreement when it comes to spam but when it comes to joseph quoting a tur you as a mod will just assume he looked it up and verified it while i have nothing at all against joseph and he seems to be a learned person the fact is according to what your saying maybe ppl will associate his “psak” with ywn so i came up with a solution:) we should have like an army of mods all working on tracking down all of josephs posts;)March 2, 2009 8:41 am at 8:41 am #1059062
thank you mod 39, last time I checked, a few miutes ago, it wasn’t there 🙂
as asdf would say…thank you thank you!!!!!!! you a good mod!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂March 2, 2009 8:45 am at 8:45 am #1059063
alright alright il say it UNCLE now can we just be friends:) i decided you can only hurt yourself by getting on the mods nerves so heres to mod 39 the best mod of courseMarch 2, 2009 8:49 am at 8:49 am #1059064
while i def hear where you are coming from it does come off slightly hypocritical and even wierd that we are having this disagreement when it comes to spam but when it comes to joseph quoting a tur you as a mod will just assume he looked it up and verified it while i have nothing at all against joseph and he seems to be a learned person the fact is according to what your saying maybe ppl will associate his “psak” with ywn so i came up with a solution:) we should have like an army of mods all working on tracking down all of josephs posts;)
I was waiting for that question.
There are 2 things I want to say about that. 1st of all, people learn differently. What you see in a Rashi might not be what I see in a Rashi. Often you can break down a machlokes (say between Tosfos and the Ritva) to how they interpret the words of Rashi.
Second of all, I know without a doubt that if someone put a blatant misquote of Torah (or psak etc) and it were to get posted, the chashuv members of the CR would be all over that person.
Remember, the initial reason it was not posted was due to an identified inaccuracy (i.e. I did no research, I knew initially that parts were inaccurate). Likewise, if someone started a whole Torah with a blatant misquote (or worse) I would also delete that post, knowing I cannot vouch for the authenticity of the post.March 2, 2009 8:51 am at 8:51 am #1059065
whats the uncle thing? I think I’m allowed to miss a joke or two at 3:51 AM… 🙂March 2, 2009 8:53 am at 8:53 am #1059066
whats the uncle thing? I think I’m allowed to miss a joke or two at 3:51 AM… 🙂
No joke, uncle is a term used to mean you are submitting or admitting defeatMarch 2, 2009 8:55 am at 8:55 am #1059067
ok, thanx mod am I allowed to ask you a formatting question, if you can call it that, how do you get the gray line before the text when you copy the message?March 2, 2009 8:57 am at 8:57 am #1059068
when you are done you do
obviously without the spaces in betweenMarch 2, 2009 9:00 am at 9:00 am #1059069
you mean like this?
when you are done you do
thanx mod!March 2, 2009 9:05 am at 9:05 am #1059070
You’ll notice just above the rely form, is something that says “allowed markup” this is what happens when with the following (i.e. replacing “blockquote” with something else)
strongMarch 2, 2009 9:06 am at 9:06 am #1059071
thanx mod 39! it worked! I think I may take a break unless the action starts up now…sorry mod 39 but this isnt fun now 🙁 dont fret, youre getting a break because I think I’m the only one who bothered sticking around unless baal kishron is still here lurking somewhere in the sidelines. (for now, I might be back soon) good night (or good morning, or good afternoon depending on where you are in this world) mod 39!March 2, 2009 9:07 am at 9:07 am #1059072
whats the ul ol li for?March 2, 2009 9:07 am at 9:07 am #1059073
good timing. I’m going to log out now as wellMarch 2, 2009 9:08 am at 9:08 am #1059074
I guess I wasnt to interesting from your end…March 2, 2009 9:08 am at 9:08 am #1059075
I wish I knew, I thought underline, but it did not seem to work for me. Maybe one of the experts can lend a handMarch 2, 2009 9:10 am at 9:10 am #1059076
calling all experts!!!! mod 39, 1 second update, I dont think I ever had that before!!! 🙂 good (whatever it is, fill in the blank) ttylMarch 3, 2009 12:11 am at 12:11 am #1059078
this thread is dangerously close to the bottom where it is updated (somewhat) lets keep this going. (I’ll try to post some more later)March 3, 2009 3:32 am at 3:32 am #1059079
Why worry? There are only two things to worry about: Either you are
well or you are sick. If you are well, there’s nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick. There are only two things to worry about: Either
you get well , or you die. If you get well , there’s nothing to worry
about, But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either
you will go to Heaven or Hell. If you go to Heaven, there’s nothing to
worry about. But if you go to Hell you’ll be so busy shaking hands
with friends you won’t have time to worry.March 3, 2009 3:36 am at 3:36 am #1059080
We The People of the United States…
This is probably the best e-mail I’ve seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA. This guy should run for President one day…
“We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to
help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more
riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetter’s. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.”
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV,or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.mod if youre really reading this, delete!
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don’t care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country’s history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!March 3, 2009 5:56 am at 5:56 am #1059083qwertyuiopMember
kapusta & mod39: moish just taught me ul ol li.$
for an ordered list, like this:
- how are you
you would do:
then before each line, you put:
and close the list with:
for an unordered list, which is this:
- how are you
you replace “ol” with “ul”
i hope you figured tis out, if not let me know.$
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