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wrote: “Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it.” Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so blessed that they were not blind. “
EXCELLENT!
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated Torah as we treat our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it as if we couldn ‘ t live without it?
What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go….hmm…just where is my Torah today?
Oh, and one more thing.
Unlike our cell phone, we don ‘ t have to worry about Torah being disconnected because its calls never fail.
Makes you stop and think “where are my priorities?”
And no dropped calls!!!
It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking.
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room’s only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man could not hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days, weeks and months passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, ‘Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.’
Epilogue:
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.
‘Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.’
MAYBE WE SHOULD SIGN UP FOR THIS CHINESE DOCTOR.
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?
> A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exerciseprogram?
> A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
> pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape! Well… I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
> And remember:
> Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!”
> AND…..
> For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflictingnutritional studies.
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacksthan Americans.
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks thanAmericans..
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
> CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.
Blinky
Being American is what kills you. Great deduction 😉
I’m 63 and I’m Tired –
VERY PROFOUND READING!
Robert A. Hall is the actor who plays the coroner on CSI if you watch that show. He also is a Marine Vietnam War veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts State Senate.
This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in the United States of America .
“I’m 63 and I’m Tired”
by Robert A. Hall
I’m 63. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked hard since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and I’m tired. Very tired.
I’m tired of being told that I have to “spread the wealth” to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.
I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to “keep people in their homes.” Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help. But if they bought Mc Mansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the left-wing Congress-critters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them with their own money.
I’m tired of being told how bad America is by left-wing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and Hollywood Entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the economy of Zimbabwe , the freedom of the press of China the crime and violence of Mexico , the tolerance for Christian people of Iran , and the freedom of speech of Venezuela .
I’m tired of being told that Islam is a “Religion of Peace,” when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family “honor”; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t “believers”; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for “adultery”; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.
I’m tired of being told that “race doesn’t matter” in the post-racial world of Obama, when it’s all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of U. S. Senators from Illinois.
I think it’s very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual and less arrogantly of an all-knowing government.
I’m tired of being told that out of “tolerance for other cultures” we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and mandrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America , while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.
I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.
I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay people choose to be Gay, but I #@*# sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana.
I’m tired of illegal aliens being called “undocumented workers,” especially the ones who aren’t working, but are living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug dealers, “Undocumented Pharmacists”? And, no, I’m not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic, and it’s been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person, who can speak English, doesn’t have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military…. Those are the citizens we need.
I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military. They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under life and death circumstances, and bad mouth better people than themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years and still are? Not even close. So here’s the deal. I’ll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims, who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.
I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers; bums are bipartisan. And I’m tired of people telling me we need bipartisanship. I live in Illinois , where the ” Illinois Combine” of Democrats has worked to loot the public for years. Not to mention the tax cheats in Obama’s cabinet.
I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.
Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we didn’t know we were “poor.” The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.
I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.
Yes, I’m tired. But I’m also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I’m not going to have to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter.
Boro Park DMV
Please answer the following questions IN ENGLISH to the best of your ability.
No yiddish responses.
Last name*: ________________
*if you go by your last name as your first name (ie, Goldberg) then write the other name.
* If longer than 15 characters, shorten it already
First name:____________ ben ___________
[_] Chaim Yosef [_] Sarah Leah
[_] Yosef Chaim [_] Racheli Leah
[_] Yosef Chaim Yossie [_] Leah Leah
[_] Menachem Mendel [_] Bracha Bina
[_] Yizchak Isaac [_] Bina Bracha Tova
[_] Dov Bear [_] Chava Nagila
[_] Sid/Lou/Max [_] Sarah Rivka Rachel Leah
Middle Name: _____ (If you have more than 5 middle names, leave blank)
Hebrew Birthday ________
Secular Birthday (‘summer’ is not an answer) _____
Age: ____ (if unsure or don’t want kids/wife to know, leave blank or scribble)
Names of connections you have at DMV/City Hall:
_______ _______ ________
_______ _______ ________
Do you drive with a hat or shaitel on? _____
Hat Size/Maker: ____/______
While waiting at a red light, do you:
___ learn – if yes, what sefer/daf?_____
___adjust shaitel/ make-up
___daven (women only)
___ talk to your mother – if yes, what topic: (shopping, gossip, weddings, what to wear)
___ talk to your rebbe – if yes, what topic: (halachic shaiyla, relationship, money, halachos of dating and money, shul politics)
Spouse’s Name: ______________________ bas________
Shver’s Name/Address/Fax: __________________
Shver’s occupation/ salary for you: __________________
Rebbe’s Name: _______________________
(Lenient) Rebbe’s Name: ___________________
Yichus: ___________________ ______ _______ ______
Yeshivos your learned by _______________ _____ _____ _____ (4 max)
Award honors from shul/yeshiva: _________________ year______
Occupation:
[_] Hocker (cellphones)[_] Diamonds (Belgium/Tel Aviv) [_] Accounting [_] Import/Export Wholesale [_] Rabbi/Teacher [_] Rebbetzin/Therapist [_] CEO (unknown industry) [_] Father-In-Law’s Biz [_] Social Work [_] Lawyer/Rabbi [_] Doctor
[_] Son is a doctor
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of anacles living in Israel: ___
Number of grandchildren living in household: ___
Number of bochurim staying by you for the yeshiva_____
Number of kiddushes sponsored by you (shalosh seudos included)____
Education: 6,7,8 (Circle highest grade completed before going to learn full-time)
If higher education what was your major?
[_] 9th grade [_] 10th grade
Do you [_] Own [_] Rent your mobile phone? What kind and how much do you pay per month______ /$_______
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of carpools your drive daily
___ Total number of vehicles you borrow from your neighbor to do errands before shabbos
___ Number of station wagons you have at the garage
___ Total number of convertibles you’ve rented when visiting a hot place (LA, Florida, Vegas) for a chasunah
___ Number of SUVs you own
___ Number of Uncle Moshe tapes you have in front seat
___ Number of Loshon Hora bumper stickers
___ Number of Golan bumper stickers
___ Number of times you’ve wanted to kill Kivi and Tooky
___ Number of Chus-Bus trips you take a week
What camps did you go to (Mogen Av/Sternberg only.) ______ _______
you will receive further correspondence and discounts from our business partners/relatives? Yes? K, now take a number and wait online. Have a good shabbos. Next.
Subject: ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW…..
Cup of Tea .
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as
A gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
Brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several
Cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
Tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure
Enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
Watches him drink it up.
Then she says, smiling, (as only a mother would know.. 🙂
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Batlen
Im plotzing lol!
The Gabbai
The gabbai’s eyes moved rapidly across the familiar faces of the men packed into shul on this sunny Shabbas morning.
Shloime Kaufman, the gabbai, had been going through this routine for the past 20 years, looking out over the congregation and at his many friends and neighbours, a world of warm-hearted people with whom he shared his life. Choosing a few each week for aliyas was a job that came with its difficulties, but it also gave him the weekly opportunity to count these blessings. This secure, contented world in which he found himself was all the more precious because, by any law of logic or probability, it should never have come into existence.
And yet, here he was, the grandfather of a beautiful, Torah-observant family, the gabbai of a thriving shul, surrounded by friends and family. Better to relish the miracle of the present than think too much about the searing pain of the past.
Kaufman scanned the rows of men as the Torah was removed from the ark. His eyes rested upon an unfamiliar face, a man about his own age with a short grey beard. He hadn’t seen him in shul before. He surmised that he must be a guest. But there was something very familiar about this face.
Suddenly, the man’s features and expression jarred loose a powerful flash of recognition in Kaufman’s mind. It was Menachem Reiner, his closest childhood friend. It was Menachem, the boy with whom he had grown up in their small Polish shtetl, with whom he had attended yeshivah in Bialystock. It was Menachem, the young man to whom he had clung, and who had clung to him, as they began their cattle-car journey into the fearsome blackness of Auschwitz.
They had promised each other to stick together, they had given each other courage and hope. Bearing the numbers the Nazis had tattooed on their arms, they had found in each other the strength to hold onto their humanity and resist becoming only numbers. They had vowed to help each other survive, both in body and soul.
And they did survive, Boruch Hashem. But when the war ended, each went his own way, eager to begin anew. For sanity’s sake, they each tucked the past away into a deep, locked box that would be opened only on rare occasions. Menachem had settled in Israel, and Shloime Kaufman had obtained a visa for the United States.
Consumed with creating a future and healing the wounds of the past, they had lost touch with each other. That was 42 years ago. Now, with unbelieving eyes and trembling hands, Kaufman beheld the unmistakable face of his friend once again. Shlomie decided in his mind: Menachem Reiner would get the sixth aliyah.
As the Torah reading began, the gabbai felt as if his heart could not be contained in his chest. He wanted to leap across the rows of men and fall upon his friend in a mighty embrace. “This must be how Yosef felt when he finally saw his brother Binyamin,” he thought to himself. “All these years!” Nevertheless, he clamped a tight lid on his emotions and performed his duty, calling up each aliyah with the traditional chant of “Ya’amod,” followed by the honoree’s Hebrew name. By the fifth aliyah, however, beads of sweat were sparkling on his forehead and tears were welling up in his eyes. He prayed that when the time came to call up number six, his voice would be able to break free of his tight throat.
There was no need to ask Menachem his name because he could never forget Menachem ben Yehoshua. For the first time, he began to wonder how would Menachem react when they came face to face? It was time to call him up, but Kaufman could not open his mouth. There were no words fit for this moment. All the suffering locked away in that figurative box was now out in the open, laid out before his eyes, and it was too much to bear.
The congregation began murmuring and looking toward Kaufman, fearing that the pale, trembling man was becoming ill. A deep cry rose up inside the gabbai, a cry to Hashem that contained in its broken sound all of His children’s cries of anguish. Kaufman turned in the direction of his friend and at last found his voice. “Yaamod, 57200148!” he called.
The baffled men in the shul did not understand what had happened. What was this number? What had happened to the gabbai? But in the back of the room, one man understood completely. The number was Menachem’s number, tattooed on his arm as a lifetime reminder of the darkest period of Jewish history, the epic tragedy of his people, which he had witnessed with his own eyes.
The entire shul sat in stony silence as Menachem moved slowly toward the bimah. Finally, as they saw him approaching his long-lost brother, they understood the scene that was unfolding in front of them. Menachem needed no introduction. With tears coursing down his face, he cried out, “Shloimele! Shloimele! Is it really you?” “Yes, Menachem, it’s really me!” Kaufman answered, embracing his friend. They wept into each other’s shoulders, rocking gently. “Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay,” Kaufman breathed.
Words were powerless to carry his chaotic emotions.
The entire shul sat spellbound, witnessing a moment that could have melted a heart made of iron. As these two men stood together, living witnesses to the Jewish people’s miraculous survival, it seemed that the Heavens had opened up to declare, through them, that Hashem would never forsake His people. Am Yisrael Chai! The Jewish nation is alive, and Torah has been rebuilt in America .
The Holocaust survivors who came to North America planted the seeds, and it is up to us to reap the fruits of their labor and continue their legacy.
(From, Stories for the Jewish Heart – Book 2 R. Binyomin Pruzansky
=
minyan gal, wow I have the chills. My close friend’s grandmother was just nifter. A survivor. We used to go visit her gandmother every shabbos. She was a product of a generation that has so few remaining. Who will believe? Who will pass it on? It is up to us to make sure the suffering and endurance of our grandparents are never forgotten…
Just got this cute email:
Ever wonder what would happen if we treated Torah as we treat our cell phone?
What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several time a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it as if we couldn’t live without it?
What if we gave it to Kids as gifts?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of emergency?
This is something to make you go….hmm…just where is my Torah today?
Oh, and one more thing.
Unlike our cell phone, we don’t have to worry about Torah being disconnected because its calls never fail.
Makes you stop and think ‘where are my priorities’?
And no dropped calls!
A MARVELOUS QUOTATION BY ALBERT EINSTEIN …
When Paul Newman died,
they said how great he was but they failed to
mention he considered himself Jewish (born
half-Jewish).
When the woman (Helen
Suzman) who helped Nelson
Mandela died recently, they said how great
she was, but they failed to mention she was Jewish.
On the other side of the equation, when
Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff
committed fraud, almost every article mentioned they
were Jewish..
However, when Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha
Stewart, Randy
Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator
Keating, Gov Ryan, and Gov Blagojevich messed up; no
one reported what religion or denomination they
were, because they were not Jewish.
This is a reminder of a famous Einstein
quote:
In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a paper on
his then-infant Theory of Relativity at the
Sorbonne, the prestigious
French university.
“If I am proved correct,” he said,
“the Germans will call
me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss citizen,
and the French will call me a great scientist.
“If relativity is proved wrong, the
French will call me a Swiss, the
Swiss will call me a
German, And the Germans will call me a
Jew”.
JEW GO TO THE MOON – Author Unknown
The Jews settled the moon in 2053, just about five years after the end of the Islamic Wars of the 40’s, where the Middle East, and Israel, of course, had been obliterated by nuclear weapons. The two million Jews remaining throughout the rest of the world – less than 100,000 total in all the Islamic countries – banded together and purchased the dark side of the moon, which no other companies or people wished to colonize.
Great transports were arranged via the 62,000 mile space elevator and the Space Shuttle and every Jew on Earth – including anyone who claimed any Jewish heritage whatsoever – left to go to a place where no one could blame them for anything.
The Earth rejoiced – happily rid of all Jews . There were huge parties throughout all of Sweden and the rest of Europe, Africa, Asia, South America and North America. (Now known as the Northern Alliance of Islamic States after the United States was taken over peacefully in the elections of 2040 by a predominantly Muslim Congress and President, who immediately passed amendments making Islam the main religion of the United States and the world.)
After the last Jew entered the elevator (a David Goldstein, 62, formerly of New York), the Earth was officially declared Judenrein by Hans Ibn Hitler, a great, great-grandson of Hitler who had been raised in Brazil and hidden by Nazis until this precious moment.
It was not an easy move for the Jews but, in some ways, it was no different from all their moves of previous eras. Some former Israelis (still alive because they were out of Israel when the bombs dropped) claimed that the moon was easier to deal with because there were no Extremist Muslims. Of course, this precipitated a huge argument with some Jews, who felt not having the Radical Muslims nearby was not enough challenge.
Other Jews argued that taming a wilderness with no atmosphere, plant or animal life and freezing temperatures was enough challenge. And yet other Jews argued that arguing was counterproductive. It came as no surprise to anyone that for the two million Jews, there were eventually one million synagogues (with the other million Jews not joining).
It was also no surprise that within just three years, the Jews had created a controlled environment that allowed for fantastic plant and animal growth and production. The transports, which had been called the Arks, had also carried two of each animal and plant (remember, Noah), and through the ingenuity of the Jews and cloning, there were now many new species which sped up production of food (cows with six udders, chickens with four legs and so forth). The population had rapidly increased and, due to the amazing collection of scientific and medical minds, most diseases and even aging had been reduced to nil.
There was even a ministry of communication with Earth, consisting of the remains of Hollywood producers and moviemakers, who sent back to Earth portraits of life on the moon. Of course, it had been decided when the Jews first got to the moon – based on six-thousand-year history of people being jealous of Jewish accomplishment – that all news coverage of the moon’s population would be ‘movie-ized’ to show only horrible things. The film industry, led by Jordan Spielberg, went to great lengths to fabricate news clips to show Jews barely surviving in the harsh lunar habitat. Artists and engineers laboured to cover over vast environmental successes with illusionary domes showing massive areas of wasteland – just in case anyone from Earth ever sent a spaceship with cameras to see what was going on.
But no-one ever did, and the years passed rapidly; one decade, then another. bar mitzvahs, weddings, brises, all celebrated under the artificial world that the Jews had created – not only had it not been that bad, but by the end of the century, some Jewish authors were calling the moon colony – Eden 2′.
Of course other Jews disagreed. In fact, much time was spent on disagreeing. There were even contests for arguing but, in general, there was peace. Anyone who threatened the peace was forced to officiate at a contest with people arguing about why that person was wrong. The contests would go on for days (sometimes weeks), until the troublemaker begged for forgiveness. (Many penalties on the moon were similar to this, and were extremely effective.)
Back on Earth, life disintegrated without the Jews. There was a return to Middle Ages thought – only the current religion du jour was valid – all others were kept legislated into poverty until a war erupted and the positions changed for a few years.
Another amazing anomaly appeared when there were no longer any Jews on Earth – anti-Semitism actually increased to monumental proportions! Famous orators explained this simply by saying: ‘I don’t have to have a gun to be afraid of having my brains blown out.’ Additionally, without the presence of the Jew, the world developed incredible evil that had no release. (Previous evil had always focused on the Jews. One Rabbi on the moon actually said G-d spoke to him, and said that He, G-d, was about to destroy the Earth because everyone o n the Earth was evil. The Rabbi begged Him to reconsider, and bargained that if there were 1,000 good people left on Earth, G-d should spare the planet.
G-d then told the Rabbi, ‘Hey, I went through this before with Abraham and Noah, and I already know the answer because I’m G-d.’
People laughed at the Rabbi, but then, one day, while all the lunar citizens were going about their business, an enormous series of explosions was seen on the Earth. Everyone on the moon stared at the distant fireballs that seemed to engulf the blue planet that was once their home.
Although there had been great anger at being forced to leave the Earth, the true spirit of Judaism was always present on the moon, and no one had wished ill on to their former home. As in the tradition of the Seder (when the wine is spilled because the Egyptians perished, and we do not rejoice fully when even an enemy has died) when the Jews saw what was happening, they began to weep and pray, and watch what was to be the final news broadcast from Earth. The horror of the apocalypse was videotaped by cameras until all electricity was ionised by the new electron bombs. Entire countries were wiped away in the blink of an ion exploding. And then came the final transmission from the nation that had started the entire mess – it was a desperate headline screamed by a hundred dying newscasters. Their rant continued until it was just blackness. What were they saying?
As the Jews watched, some gasped, others cried, and a few even laughed. For the last words of the disappearing civilization was a condemnation. ‘The Jews have caused all our problems – they left us here to face the mess they made. If the Jews hadn’t taken all the best scientists and engineers, we could have defeated our enemies. Our enemies are the Jews! Kill all the Jews.’
It took a little while, but the electronics experts pieced together what had happened on Earth during its last days. Anti-Semitism, which had grown stronger and stronger since the Jews had left, had reached its pinnacle, and all the countries of the world had decided to launch a massive attack on the moon. The attack had been coordinated by the United Nations and, although all the missiles had been launched properly, there was some sort of glitch in the targeting system, resulting in all the weapons colliding in the upper atmosphere and showering the Earth with a deadly rain of nuclear fire, electronic destruction, and a generally bad day. The mistake triggered the military response of all the nations (who all had nuclear weapons by then – plus a few other horrid toys), and the result was truly an Armageddon.
The Jews on the moon went into a period of deep mourning. The Orthodox rent their clothing and there were mass counseling sessions. And then, about one week after the BIG DAY, as it was now called, a presence was detected heading towards the moon. Had one of the missiles escaped? Were the Jews doomed after all? The leaders checked with the defense experts – no this was not a missile, it was an old-style spacecraft, like the ones used in the early seventies. As it approached, the laser defense was trained on the craft. Debates raged as to whether the craft should be destroyed or allowed to get close enough to communicate with.
A message from the ship came just in time. It said, ‘We are the last representatives from Earth – two from each country and we come in peace.’ Some Jews rejoiced that there were survivors, others demanded isolation or death of the approaching group.
The Rabbi who had had the vision of earth’s destruction told the leaders that G-d wanted them to have a chance, so they were allowed to circle the moon. When told they could have a section of land to themselves to farm and repopulate, the Earthlings were upset. They told the Jews that they should be allowed to live with the Jews and have all the same privileges – because, after all, in Judaism, the stranger is given the same rights and privileges as the citizen.
Upon hearing this, the leaders went to the Rabbi with the visions, and he offered to guide the visitors to their new home. The leaders allowed him to g ive the instructions for landing. Of course, not trusting the Rabbi, the commander of the ship didn’t listen to his advice, and instead crashed into a lunar crater.
And so we have the final days of the history of the planet Earth, which have been generously shared with us by the Jewish colony of the 453rd Solar System of the M Galaxy. Although the Earth is currently uninhabitable, the head engineer of the Jewish colony on Mars tells us that Venus will be fully colonized by the year 2120, and with continuous replanting, Earth will once again be ready for Jews returning from other planets in the year 2136.
An interesting side note – inside the wreckage of the rocket with the survivors from Earth was a specially-marked package that had survived which included the following words: ‘Once there was a great planet named Earth. And there were many peoples on this planet, and they all existed peacefully with each other, except for the Jews. Wherever there were Jews, there was trouble. Jews brought dirt and death and hatred and strife. They were finally banished from our planet, only to take with them many great inventors and scientists and doctors, leaving Earth with nothing. We have decided to destroy the remnants of the Jews, and since the first attempt failed, we are the last chance for Earth. Whoever shall find this will know the truth – It was all the Jews’ fault.’
This panel has been saved and is on display at the Earth Memorial Museum at Rivka Crater, NW, for all travelers who wish to see the remains of a civilization that did not understand the words – ‘He who blesses the Jews, is himself blessed. He who curses the Jews, is himself cursed.’
Now who took the time to write all that up? 🙂
smartcookie: I wish that I knew who wrote it but it arrived as you see it – Author Unknown. I think that it is very clever.
minyan gal, that is an interesting one.
Somehow the beginning of it reminds me of William Tenn’s “On Venus, Have We Got a Rabbi”.
Anon – Thanks for mentioning this book. I have not heard of it, but will definitely look it up. I will be at the JCC tomorrow and will check the library for a copy.
mw13- i think i know you!!
minyan gal, it’s not a book, it’s a short story. It’s anthologized in a couple of books I know of: _Wandering Stars_ and _Immodest Proposals_. The story isn’t that much like the forward you posted, but somehow the forward reminds me of the story (maybe because humorous science fiction with a Jewish theme isn’t a well-populated genre).
David Miller [not his real name], an observant Jew, was at
Logan Airport getting ready to board United Flight 175. He was going to LA on an important business trip, and had to make this flight. A lot depended on it.
He boarded the plane and sat down as the doors closed.
Suddenly he remembered that he had left his tefillin (phylacteries–ritual boxes with straps worn by Jewish men in prayer) in the terminal boarding area. He politely asked the stewardess if he could go back and retrieve his tefillin, which were sitting just a few feet from the gate.
She told him that once the doors closed, no one was allowed off the plane. He asked to speak to the pilot to obtain special permission, but the pilot simply restated the policy.
David was not about to lose this precious mitzvah, or let his tefillin get lost, so, not knowing what else to do, he started screaming “I am going to lose my tefillin!”
The crew asked him to be quiet, but he refused. He made such a tumult that the flight crew told him that they would let him off the plane, but even though it would only take about 90 seconds to run out, grab his tefillin, and run back – they were not going to wait for him.
No matter. David was not about to lose his tefillin, even if it caused him great inconvenience or cost his business a loss.
He left the plane, never to re-board.
This was United flight #175, the second plane to reach the WTC.
David’s devotion to a mitzvah saved his life, but the consequences of his actions do not end there.
Originally, the terrorists wanted both towers struck simultaneously to maximize the explosive carnage. Later it was learned that due to David’s intransigence, the takeoff was delayed, causing a space of 18 minutes between the striking of the two towers.
The delay made it possible for thousands of people to escape alive from both buildings–because one Jew would not forsake his beloved tefillin!
[The foregoing story is documented in “Even in the Darkest Moments” by Ze’ev Breier.]
Personally, I’m not a fan of chain email, which is is why I like this thread.
It keeps the spam out of my inbox. If you spam me, warn everyone else whom you’ve spammed, because they will all hear from me. Then you will hear from all of them.
Think twice before hitting “forward”. together we can make he internet a better place.
Steven Speilberg’s reply to Mel Gibson
(This letter is attributed to Steven Speilberg – I cannot assure you whether or not it actually was written by him, but I find it interesting, nevertheless.)
I am one Jew who doesn’t accept your apology.
I don’t accept it, because you have spit on the graves of the
Goldwyns, the Warners, the Mayers, the Cohns, the Foxes, the
Thalbergs, the Selznicks, the Zukors and the thousands of other Jews
both living and dead who have made your questionable career possible.
When you do get out of “rehab” and recount your millions, please consider
how much of your fortune you would have if you had made your true
feelings known, when you were starting out in the film industry.
You are a despicable human being, one that doesn’t even have the sense
to realize that he has repeatedly bitten the hand that fed him.
Whatever you (or your publicity agents) say today, does not even begin
to redress your long standing theories about the Jewish people.
Apparently the apple does not fall far from the tree, as you haven’t
yet distanced yourself from your father’s views of the Holocaust,
Why should the Jewish community meet with you, or believe anything you
have to say now?
Your words are a thinly veiled attempt to admit that you really messed
up this time, and you want to cover yourself, so that you can continue
to be adored and further your revenue stream.
The truth is, you are an unreformed, unrepentant anti-semite of the
worst kind, and your hollow outreach is worth less than the price of
your next drink, which will surely find itself in your hands before
long. I’m buying.
Of course, if I am wrong, you could start by donating $1,000,000 today
to the State of Israel in her time of need.
Surely that is a small public relations price to pay for a man of your
stature who “honors all of God’s children”.
Steven Spielberg
New Rochelle, NY
blinky- I hate made up stories like that one.
This story first reached the snopes.com inbox in June 2006. While it would be somewhat heartening to believe one of those otherwise fated to die on September 11 escaped being murdered by the terrorists who used commercial aircraft as weapons through his stubborn refusal to compromise his piety by leaving his tefillin behind, this tale does not seem to pass scrutiny.
At 8:14 a.m. on 11 September 2001, United Airlines Flight 175 left Boston’s Logan Airport for Los Angeles with 65 people aboard. Terrorists who were on that flight hijacked the plane and crashed it into the south tower of World Trade Center at 9:06 a.m.,18 minutes after American Airlines Flight 11 (with 92 people aboard) was flown into the north tower of World Trade Center at 8:48 a.m.
None of the news accounts or official investigations we’ve examined of the events of that day mention anyone’s insisting to be let off Flight 175 at the last moment (to retrieve religious items or for any other purpose) or suddenly exiting the plane after the doors had been closed. Also, accommodating a passenger who had changed his mind about flying would not merely have been a matter of letting that person off the plane even before the 9/11 terrorist attacks, an exiting passenger’s checked luggage would have had to have been retrieved from the airplane’s cargo hold.
Moreover, even if a passenger on that plane had created a last-minute fuss, such an event doesn’t appear to be connectible to the flight’s delay in taking off. While Flight 175 was 16 minutes late getting airborne, finally taking off at 8:14 AM, it did push back from Gate 19 at Logan within a minute of its regularly scheduled departure time and therefore did not spend that 16-minute interval sitting at the gate. The intervening period before the plane’s eventual take-off was expended on the tarmac, presumably a result of routine tie-up in morning taxiing times. Once the flight had pushed back from the gate and entered traffic on the runways at Logan, it could not have disgorged a passenger, no matter how insistent he might have been, without returning to the gate. And United Flight 175 did not return to the gate it took to the air just as American Flight 11 was being hijacked.
The account of a pious Jew who disembarked from Flight 175 because he would not be parted from his sacred objects and by so doing delayed the second plane’s hitting the World Trade Center for 18 minutes, thereby giving countless others a chance to flee the south tower, is found in Even in the Darkest Moments, a 2002 collection of September 11 stories compiled by Zeev Breier. It appears in that anthology as “Beloved Mitzvah” by Rabbi Israel Feinhandler, a writer of many instructional books on marriage and child rearing who is described by The Weekly Parsha as a “Rabbi of a community in the Romema section of Jerusalem, a renowned posek, and a lecturer in various yeshivos and kollelim in Jerusalem.”
While the story appears to be more fable than truth, it perhaps more fairly should be regarded as an object lesson on the importance of maintaining one’s religious convictions even when it would be far more convenient to set them aside.
Barbara “soul survivor” Mikkelson
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! Will write again soon, Love, Grandma
Subject: FW: This is a true story
I laughed so much when I read this
This is a true story
On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and
threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that
they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return mail…
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again
and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet
another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good
as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $000. This bill also stated that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover
the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque
had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to
crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming
that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the
debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the
gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had
been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome was
this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for
consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend’s had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March
to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their
client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Who employs these idiots??
Remember, these “people” walk amoung us and breathe the same air we do.
EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ
The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan. 15, 2008. It doesn’t take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the rest of Europe – and possibly to the rest of the world.
REMEMBER AS YOU READ — IT WAS IN A SPANISH PAPER
Date: Tue. 15 January 2008 14:30
ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ
By Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez
I walked down the street in Barcelona , and suddenly discovered a terrible truth – Europe died in Auschwitz … We killed six million Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people, truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who changed the world.
The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art, international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world. These are the people we burned.
And under the pretense of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance, religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.
They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities into the third world, drowning in filth and crime. Shut up in the apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder and destruction of their naive hosts.
And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness and superstition.
We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the Jews of Europe and their talent for a better future for their children, their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others, for our children and theirs.
What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe .
***********************************
A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to themselves.
Absolutely No Profiling! Pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test.
These events are actual events from history. They really happened! Do you remember?
HERE’S THE TEST
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davey Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens , and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
14. And now we can add: In 2009, 31 people wounded and 13 American Soldiers murdered on base at Fort Hood by a Major that was known as…
a: You guessed it – A Muslim male extremist between the age of 17 and 40.
No, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President’s security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.
Let’s send this to as many people as we can so that the Nancy Pelosis, Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel ashamed of themselves – if they have any such sense.
We can not allow the socialist transformation being brought on by the current administration to continue. Look at what it has done to Europe .
We all must stand together before it’s too late and everything America stands for is lost.
PLEASE GIVE FOR HACHNOSAS KALLAH,
Dear fellow Jew,
Even though the current economic situation is very tough for all of us, we
turn to you for help for a Chosson who just recently got engaged. His whole
life nebach has been one of great tragedy, his parents were divorced when he
was still a young child and when he was just eighteen years old his mother
was a passenger in a car that was involved in major accident and
unfortunately died as a result of the injuries she sustained.
Due to his family situation he had no other choice other than to join the army, and now at the age of twenty-eight after many years of hardship and
great difficulty he has finally found his zivug.
We trust you won’t turn him away in his time of greatest need.
Please send donations marked ‘Hachnosas Kalloh’ to the address below.
Send Donations to:
Buckingham Palace,
Buckingham Palace Rd,
London SW1A 1AA,
United Kingdom
Is that supposed to be funny? It looked pretty serious until the address- but then the address made me a bit confused…
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?’
Blueberyy muffin says;
‘It looked pretty serious until the address- but then the address made me a bit confused… ‘
DUH!!!!!!!
Aishes Chayil
ROTFLMKO! I hear the chosson has a wicked stepmother, too. Nebisch.
Old Computer Terms,
BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in “Our son’s computer cost quite a bit.”
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR: What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You $#% computer!”
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.
DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to “just look.”
EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips”).
HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again.
MENU: What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
RETURN: What a lot of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
I guess I just don’t know Brittish history like you do, Aishes Chayil…
got this email today, hope it hasn’t been posted yet.
Coincidence?? No, nothing in life is a coincidence. How do we know that? Very simple, we know and believe that there’s a G-D in the world and he run every second of it! People walking around breathing on their own. So you’ll say its natural, healthy people are able to breath on their own, Right? And when he stops breathing, IS THAT A COINCIDENCE?? No!! We know that Hashem gives each and every breath into a persons lungs, and when Hashem stops, the person stops breathing, not a coincidence. We know that there’s something called Hashgacha Pratis, that Hashem has a block plan for everything He does. Nothing just happens! Nothing is a coincidence! Some people may think if they thought up a great idea, thats its all them, that they could take all the credit for it. Do you really think a human being could run such a powerful operation such as the brain? No! There’s a G-D in the world who sent that idea to your head so you could be the shliach, the one to carry it out. Stop for a second and think, Take that moment to realize what just happend. Take out a Tehilim and say a small prayer. And if your really in a rush, take the easy way out, its three simple yet powerful words, look up and say, THANK YOU HASHEM!! I once had the privilege to drive around the Clevelander Rebbe, Harav Yitzchok I Rosenbaum Shlit”a, and there was something i noticed and really learnt a powerful lesson from. Every few minutes the Rebbe would look up, clap his hands and say Heilege Bashefer, here is a man who constantly had Hashem on his mind and also made sure to always remind people, basically saying, i know your busy, but remember there’s a Ribono shel olam out there, running this massive operation. It wasn’t your alarm clock that got you up this morning, it was Hashem who said to you, its time to get up, im giving you another day on this world, go daven, go learn, you have another day that you could follow my commandments. How many people wake up in the morning, shut off their alarm clock and jump out of bed because they’re running a few minutes late. How many people forget that small Tefilah that we say in the morning, Modeh Ani…Thank you Hashem, king of the world, for giving my Neshama back to me this morning. Alarm clock? Coincidence? Take out the time, a little, to Daven, Learn…no one is asking you to daven a 2 hr. Shachris. Hashem wants you to go out and work so you could support your family, but do it in a way that Hashem is still involved and a part of your life, family, work. Try once an hour to say a kapitul tehilim, it takes less then a minute, and if you really dont have the time, try another way. You make a successful business deal? Thank you Hashem! Your boss hands you your paycheck, dont forget who the real boss is, Thank you Hashem! You have a job? your able to feed your family? you have a house to live in? You found a Shidduch? Dont forget those three words,Thank You Hashem. Remember, nothing is a coincidence!
*The Offical Shidduch Resume*
(FOR GIRLS)
Name:_______________ Nick name:___________
Age:___________ Screen name:________________
DOB:____________ Sign:__________________
Place of Birth:
City:________________ State:______________ Country:__________
Hospital:_______________ Doctor:_______________ Midwife:_______________
Height:
With heels on:_______________
Without heels on:________________
Weight:
Color Eyes:
With contact lenses:____________ Without contact lenses:_________
Religious Affiliation:
A. Jewish:
( ) FFB (Frum
From Birth)
( ) BT
( ) OT
( ) Out of towner
( ) Regular orthodox
( ) Modern orthodox
B. Education: Please star * anything that was co-ed
a) Playgroup:_____________
b) Preschool:_____________
c) Elementary School:______________
d) High School:_____________
word
essay why. (You may attach additional paper to the back of this
resume).
f) Day Camp:_____________
g) Sleep-away Camp:_______________
h) Seminary:_______________
*Why davka this one__________________________________________________.
*Was this your first choice? Were you rejected from any seminaries and if
yes, please
specify:_____________________________________________________________.
GETTING PERSONAL:
Monsey?_________________.
2) Are you really a hocker??
Check if you have any of these:
___ # of cellphone(s)
___ # beeper(s)
___ # of blowdrier(s)
___ Type of car(s)
___ VCR/DVD
___ TV
___ computer with email
___ computer with internet
___ computer with Koshernet
No____ Yes_____ (If yes, please specify # and which ones)
____________________________________
THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS MAY SEEM A BIT UNUSUAL, HOWEVER, PROFESSIONAL
4) What midda really defines your character?_____________________.
5) What do you do to relax?
A. Eat
B. Get you nails/hair done
C. Go shopping
D. Talk on the phone
E. Say Tehillim
F. Design your wedding gown
6) How much food do you need to be satisfied?
A. One slice of pizza, french fries or onion rings and a diet coke
B. Half a burger or hotdog
C. Salad, salad, and more salad
D. 3 Chalav Yisrael Hershey Kisses
7) What are your eyebrows like?
A. I wax once a month
B. So thick I have to tweeze every-other night
C. Very sparse, I need to color them in
A. Doing chesed to counter-act the tumah
B. Watching for tips
C. Watching ER
9) Are your suits:
A. Long jacket, long skirt
B. Long jacket, short skirt
C. Short jacket, long skirt
D. Short jacket, short skirt (and how short?)
E. Suits, me? I go casual; denim skirt, Gap sweatshirt
10) How often do you buy a new Shabbos robe?
A. Once a year
B. Every time I see one I like
C. Whenever they go on sale
11) How many outfits do you go through on Shabbos?
A. 1-3
B. 3-5
12) How much time do you spend doing your hair before a date?
B. 10 minutes
C. 20-40 minutes
D. 60+ minutes
13) What do you use to do your hair?
A. Brush only
B. Blowdrier
C. Straightner/Curler
D. Gel/Mouse
E. All of the above
14) What brand of make-up do you use?
B. Whatever is on sale at Target
C. Mary Kay
D. Clinique/Lancome/Estee Lauder/MAC
A. New make-up
B. Third pair of Shabbos shoes
C. Lingerie
E. The skirt I saw Miriam wear last week
FAMILY MATTERS:
16) What kind of table cloth does you family use?
A. Disposable
B. Pink with lace
C. Classic white
17) What does your family serve for Oneg Shabbos?
B. Only Pashkes and Liebers
C. For those over 16- diet coke, 15 and under- fruit punch
D. Dried fruit
E. Nosh is only for those who clear the table
19) What time do you daven Shacharis Sunday morning?
B. I set my alarm for an hour before zman kriyas shema
C. My mother wakes me 5 minutes before chatzot
D. Shacharis Sunday morning?!
20) What is your monthly phone bill usually like?______________
B. Divrei Torah
C. Class pictures
D. Jokes and memories
E. Family pictures of girls with older brothers
22) When you see those chocolates on the coffee table, do you:
A. Begin drooling, but remember your bathing suit is only a size 4
B. Count calories
D. I will not succumb to this great taiva
23) What do you do if your date opens the car door for you?
B. Run back into my house and call the shadchan
C. I say thank you, and get in
D. Blush and get in silently
A. Lounge
B. Lounge
C. Lounge
25) If your older brother has a friend over for lunch, you:
A. Look down the whole meal
B. Blush when he asks you to pass the cholent
C. Talk about politics
D. Have an animated conversation until your father asks you to clear the
table
A. My mascara shmeared
B. My hair frizzed in the rain
C. He forgot my name
D. Too many quiet moments
E. When I sat down, my skirt went above my knees
F. Met too many of our ex-dates in the lounge
27) Why do you feel you are ready for marriage?
A. My parents are forcing me
B. I want a baby
C. I just came back from sem, a true kalah maidel
D. I can whip up a whole Shabbos in 3 hours
E. All my friends are
28) What does it take for a boy to get on your list:
B. 4 phone calls from prominent rabbanim
C. Money makes things move pretty quickly
son
E. If he attends the Mir
F. A blue eyed stud who knows how to dress
29) What do you feel is your supreme sacrifice for Torah?
A. Living on a kollel salary
B. Letting your husband learn half a day
C. Eating out only once a week
D. Driving a Camry (not a Mercedes or Rolls)
E. Doing my nails myself
30) Why do you think you should be chosen above everyone else?
A. I throw really cool parties
B. I wear a size 4
C. I have great yichus
D. I can talk on the phone while mopping the floor and holding the
screaming
baby
E. I have a great personality, real modest
F. My grandparents left me a huge trust fund
31) What kind of engagement ring are you looking for:
A. A plain band
B. A nice 1 carat diamond
C. A big diamond surrounded by emeralds
I,_____________________ promise that everything I have answered above is
the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Please help me Hashem.
SIGNATURE:____________________
Why you need a Jewish decorator
A Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he’s forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs (mezuzot!) and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms.
He’s really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won’t put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a
few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He’s so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, “Glad you’re happy with the job.” “By the way, I took out all the warranties from the little boxes and left them on your table.
MODS: SORRY I THOUGHT I WAS POSTING THIS AND THE LAST ONE IN THE JOKES THREAD. ARE U ABLE TO SWITCH IT PLEASE IF NOT ILL REPOST IT IN “JOKES”
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under $tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply :
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well..
NOw the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Regards…,
how long did it take you to type that?
Copy and paste is a great invention.
I’d have done it in an editor like UltraEdit. After typing it out you do a simple Search/Replace. You could also try a RegEx such as /s/$/ig on the paragraph.
;
I had the text as is and I just copied and pasted from my e-mail.
want to sfind out of your a dumb blonde?
Ok so heres what ya do, mark your answers with a little ‘x’ inside the boxes if its true, but BE HONEST (I was)!! Then send it to all your friends (including the one that sent it to you) and make them laugh.
1 [ ] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking
2 [ ]Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking
3 [x] You have ran into a glass/screen door
4 [x] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
5 [x] You have thought of something funny and laughed out loud, then people gave you weird looks
6 [x] You have ran into a tree
7 [ ] It IS possible to lick your elbow
8 [ ] You tried to lick your elbow
9 [ ] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm
10 [ ] You just tried to sing them
11 [ ] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen
12 [ ] You have choked on your own spit
16 [ ] Your hair is blonde
17 [x] People have called you slow
18 [x] You have accidentally caught something on fire
19 [ ] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes
20 [x] You have caught yourself drooling
21 [x ] You’ve fallen asleep in a laundry basket (when i was 5 lol)
22 [X] Sometimes you just stop in the the middle of no where and think about random things
14 [x] You didn’t notice that in the last question ‘the’ was spelled twice
15 [x] You just looked at it
23 [x] You are telling a story and forget what you were talking about (lol TTLY all the time!!!!)
24 [ ] People are often shaking their heads and walk away from you {lol}
26[ ] You use your fingers to do simple maths (GO MODIFIED MATH!!!!!!!!!!)
27 [ ] You have eaten a bug
28 [x] You are taking this test when you should be doing something important ( SUCH AS STUDYING!!!!!!!!!)
29 [x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it
30 [x] You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand or pocket
31 [ ] You’ve cried when studying for a quiz because you thought you would fail-pretend crying, out of annoyance (if its a word)
32 [x] You break a lot of things.
33 [x] Friends know not to use big words around you {lol}
34 [ ]You sometimes tilt your head when you’re confused
35 [ ] You have fallen out of your chair before
36 [ ] When you’re laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling/wall.
37 [x] The word ‘umm’ is used many times a day
38 [x] You called a friend and then completely forgot what you were gonna say
39 [ ] You have spelled your name wrong
40 [x] you ever felt like smacking your teacher (I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SMACKING SOME OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!)
40 [X] You have drawn a deformed heart (lots of times! lol!)
you fill in your own “x”‘s
have you ever heard of ABBOTT and COSTELLO?
(if not- in short- they were really really funny comedians in the 1900’s…blac and white movies…wtvr)
Abbott & Costello on Computers
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
The Banking Crisis simply explained…
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day…
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off.
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.’
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.
WARNING ! ! ! Torah Usage Can Be Habit Forming. Regular reading can cause loss of anxiety and fear; decreased appetite for lying, cheating, stealing, hating, anger, jealousy, and envy. Symptoms include but are not limited to: increased sense of love, joy, peace, compassion and contentment. Use only as directed. If symptoms persist, just Praise Hahem (Re-post if you don’t mind side effects of the Word)
A little Jewish anecdote
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him, saying, “Thank you.
This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.”
So Peter says to the barman, “What’s the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?
CURTAIN RODS—-PRICELESS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left… When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit..
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home……..
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?
This is a copy of an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries, from the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait
till you read this guy’s response – but read the entire letter before
you get to the response.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Site Location: Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws
annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted.
The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RESPONSE:
Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County
Reference your certified letter dated 12/17/2000 has been referred to me
to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal
landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.
I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris”
dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natural building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could
ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers? or,
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of P! art 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.3010,1 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several
concerns. My first concern is aren’t the beavers entitled to legal
representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay
for said representation – so the State will have to provide them with a
lawyer.
The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harrass them and call their dam names. If you want the stream “restored”
to a dam free-flow condition – please contact the beavers – but if you
are going to arrest them they obviously did not pay any attention to
your dam letter (being unable to read English).
In my humble ! opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2002 The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your answering machine, I am sending this response to
your office via another government organization – the USPS. Maybe,
someday, it will get there.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas at: Austin
Office Community Relations/Accounting unit
P.O. Box 7367
Austin, TX 78713
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