Good Forwards (Emails)

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    written by lewis napper, a libertarian from mississippi


    This thread is going off topic. Gota update it:

    ATTN MOD 39: These are myths!!! 😉

    Don’t mess with kids:

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically i mpossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

    The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

    The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

    The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

    After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill.’

    One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?’

    Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

    ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

    A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

    The children were lined up in the cafe teria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

    ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other en d of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’


    Several expectant fathers were in the waiting room of an Israeli hospital.


    >A doctor rushes in and tells one of the men,

    >”Mazal Tov, Mazal Tov, Mazel Tov, Mazel Tove, your

    > wife just had quadruplets!”

    >”That figures,”said the proud father, “we’re from Kiryat Arba.”

    >(arba = 4)


    >A nurse emerges, shaking her head.

    >”It’s a record!” she exclaims to another man, “your wife just had


    >”That figures,” said the astonished dad, “we’re from Kiryat Shmoneh.”

    >(Shmoneh = 8)


    >”Gevalt! Gevalt!” shrieks the third man in the

    > waiting room, “we’re from Meah Shearim!”

    >(meah = 100)


    His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

    The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

    “I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.”

    “No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

    “Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.

    “Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.

    “I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.” And that he did. Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

    Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

    What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

    The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name?

    Sir Winston Churchill.

    Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

    Work like you don’t need the money.

    Love like you’ve never been hurt.

    Dance like nobody’s watching.

    Sing like nobody’s listening.

    Live like it’s Heaven on Earth.

    It’s National Friendship Week. Send this to

    everyone you consider A FRIEND.

    Pass this on, and brighten someone’s day.

    anyone else other than me and myshadow updating this thread?

    more later bl”n


    myshadow: those were great.$


    kapusta: haha!!$ and did you try the “ol” “ul” “li”, i posted the instructons above.$





    > Charlotte , North Carolina A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and

    > expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.


    > Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars

    > and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy

    > the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.


    > In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of

    > small fires.’


    > The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that

    > the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


    > The lawyer sued, and WON! (so what else is new?)


    > (Stay with me.)


    > Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that

    > the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer

    > held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars

    > were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against

    > fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and

    > was obligated to pay the claim.


    > Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance

    > company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss

    > of the cigars lost in the ‘fires’.




    > After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him

    > arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

    > (Good for them!!!)


    > With his own in surance claim and testimony from the previous case being

    > used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his

    > insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000

    > fine.


    > This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent

    > Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

    Yup, I’ve heard it before. Sorry, its an Urban Myth

    YW Moderator-39


    Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,?politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

    Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!?

    Rule 2?: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.?

    Rule 3?: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.?

    Rule 4?: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.?

    Rule 5?: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping–they called it opportunity.?

    Rule 6: If you mess up,?it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes.? Learn from them.?

    Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.?

    Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.?

    Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.?

    Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.?

    Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.?

    If you agree, pass it on.?

    If you can read this – Thank a teacher!



    Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?

    1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

    2. Mostly to clean the house.

    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?

    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?

    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

    2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

    1. We’re related.

    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

    What kind of little girl was your mom?

    1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

    2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

    1. His last name.

    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    Why did your mom marry your dad?

    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and my Mom eats a lot.

    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

    3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

    Who’s the boss at your house?

    1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.

    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What’s the difference between moms & dads?

    1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.

    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

    3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    What does your mom do in her spare time?

    1. Mothers don’t do spare time.

    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your mom perfect?

    1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

    2 Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

    If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.

    2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.



    baal kishron

    I never knew the salt market was that large, but I guess some Christian guy thought that Kosher Salt controlled too large a share, because he hopes that his Christian Salt is better than the kosher stuff. It got me thinking about the different types of Jewish Salt there could be, kind of like heimishe cholent vs. regular old modern orthodox, salt could also start being classified just like different Jews are.

    Chassidishe Salt – our salt is only mined by chassidim, we are closed on shabbos and we only sell to people who wear streimels. Our salt is sometimes used to throw on women wearing red.

    Yeshivishe Salt – yeshivish salt is mined only by yungerleit after third seder, this salt is never mined when during seder and there will be no bitul zman on this salts time.

    Modern Orthodox Salt – This salt is only mined by people in white knitted yarmulkes who say hallel on yom haatzmaut.

    Conservative Salt – This salt is mined by both men and women without a mechitza, we mine on shabbos with a microphone as well.

    Carlebachian Salt – Salt is so overrated and bitter, just smoke some weed.

    Lubavitch – The Rebbe used our salt.



    A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from

    its hiding place in the closet.

    She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three

    times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for


    Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap,

    she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall’s

    Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

    She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention,

    but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a

    scuffing noise. Nothing.20She cleared her throat with the most

    disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter

    from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

    “And what do you want?” the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of

    voice. I’m talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven’t seen in

    ages,” he said without waiting for a reply to his question…

    “Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,” Tess answered back in

    the same annoyed tone. “He’s really, really sick..and I want to buy a


    “I beg your pardon?” said the pharmacist.

    “His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head

    and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a

    miracle cost?”

    “We don’t sell miracles here, little girl. I’m sorry but I

    can’t help

    you,” the pharmacist said, softening a little

    “Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn’t enough, I


    get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.”

    The pharmacist’s brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and

    asked the little girl, “What kind of a miracle does your brother


    ” I don’t know,” Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just


    he’s really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy

    can’t pay for it, so I want to use my money.”

    “How much do you have?” asked the man from Chicago

    “One dollar a

    nd eleven cents,” Tess answered barely audibly.

    And i t’s all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.”

    “Well, what a coincidence,” smiled the man. “A dollar and eleven

    cents—the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. ”

    He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her

    mitten and said “Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother

    and meet your parents. Let’s see if I have the miracle you need.”

    That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon,

    specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of

    charge and it wasn’t long until Andrew was home again and doing well..

    Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had

    led them to this place.

    “That surgery,” her Mom whispered. “was a real miracle. I wonder


    much it would have cost?”

    Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost… dollar

    and eleven cents….plus the faith of a little child.

    In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

    A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a

    higher law. I know you’ll keep the ball moving!

    Here it goes. Throw it back to someone who means something to you!

    A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end. It keeps us together like

    our Circle of Friends. But the treasure inside for you to see is the

    treasure of friendship you’ve granted to me.

    Today I pass the friendship ball to y ou.

    Pass20it on to someone who is a friend to you.


    When you are sad…..I will dry your tears.

    When you are scared…..I will comfort your fears.

    When you are worried…..I will give you hope.

    When you are confused…..I will help you cope.

    And when you are lost….And can’t see the light, I shall be your

    beacon…..Shining ever so bright.

    This is my oath…..I pledge till the end.

    Why you may ask?…..Because you’re my friend.

    Signed: GOD

    baal kishron

    PETA’s Mideast Peace Plan: Eat Pita & Falafel

    A leading animal advocacy group said the road to Mideast peace begins in a pita. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has requested Israel’s permission to post pro-vegetarian signs on both sides of its barriers with the West Bank and the Gaza Strip. PETA’s signs are in Hebrew and in English. They feature Israelis and Palestinians sitting down for a meat-free meal along with the slogans: “Give Peas a Chance,” and “Nonviolence Begins on Our Plates: Go Vegetarian.”

    “Every time that we eat, we can choose not to participate in violence,” PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk wrote Wednesday in a letter. “While choosing a falafel sandwich over a lamb kebab doesn’t create instant peace, it reduces the sum total of violence and suffering in the world.”

    btw i love all the emails keep em coming

    i wanted to make this my signature but i dont know how if anyone could let me know how. .


    lol that was funny! 😉 didnt you send that one to me lol


    Let’s see if you send it back. We all know or knew someone like this!!

    One day, when I was a freshman in high school,

    I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

    His name was Kyle.

    It looked like he was

    carrying all of his books.

    I thought to myself, ‘Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?

    He must really be a nerd.’

    I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I sh rugged my shoulders and went on.

    As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him..

    They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he land ed in the dirt.

    His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.

    He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes

    My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.

    As I handed him his glasses, I said, ‘Those guys are jerks


    They really should get lives.

    ‘ He looked at me and said, ‘Hey thanks!’

    There was a big smile on his face.

    It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude..

    I helped him pick up his books, and ask ed him where he lived.

    As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before ..

    He said he had gone to private school before now.

    I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

    We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.

    He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.

    I asked him if he wanted to play a little football

    with my friends

    He said yes.

    We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my

    friends thought the same of him.

    Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.

    I stopped him and said, ‘Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!

    ‘ He just laughed and handed me half the books.

    Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends..

    When we were seniors we began to thi nk about college.

    Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.

    I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never

    be a problem.

    He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.

    Kyle was valedictorian of our class.

    I teased him all the time about being a nerd.

    He had to prepare a speech for graduation.

    I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak

    Graduation day, I saw Kyle.

    He looked great..

    He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.

    He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.

    He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.

    Boy, sometimes I was jealous!

    Today was one of those days.

    I could see that he was nervous about his speech.

    So, I smacked him on the back and said, ‘Hey, big guy, you’ll be great!’

    He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.

    ‘ Thanks,’ he said.

    As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began

    ‘Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.

    Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach…but mostly your friends…

    I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is th e best gift you can give them.

    I am going to tell you a story.’

    I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the

    story of the first day we met.

    He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.

    He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.

    He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.

    ‘Thankfully, I was saved.

    My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.’

    I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.

    I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.

    Not until that moment did I realize it’s depth.

    Never underestimate the power of your actions.

    With one small gesture you can change a per son’s life.

    For better or for worse.

    God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.

    Look for God in others ..


    Can you read these right the first time?

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce .

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

    19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?

    PPS. – We park in the driveway and drive on the parkway!

    You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

    There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”

    It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

    We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car . At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special .

    And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

    We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledge able about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP

    When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP

    When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP

    One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so………… it is time to shut UP !

    Oh . . . one more thing:

    What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P


    wow 22oldgold, I’m feeling a good cry coming on!!! AMAZING STORIES!!!

    baal kishron

    i hate to be sarcastic but i think you have to be a girl to know what a good cry is cuz i have absolutely no idea


    Not true, but it would be an effeminate statement for a guy to make.


    lol it means to cry stam to cry for no reason.

    btw baal kishron, I like your sig!


    The One Flaw In Women

    By the time the Lord made woman,

    He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

    An angel appeared and said,

    ‘Why are you spending so much time on this one?’

    And the Lord answered, ‘Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

    She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,

    have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable

    and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,

    have a lap that can hold four children at one time,

    have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart

    -and she will do everything

    with only two hands.’

    The angel was astounded at the requirements.

    ‘Only two hands!? No way!

    And that’s just on the standard model?

    That’s too much work for one day.

    Wait until tomorrow to finish.’

    ‘But I won’t, ‘ the Lord protested

    ‘I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

    She already heals herself when she is sick

    AND can work 18 hour days.’

    The angel moved closer and touched the woman.

    ‘But you have made her so soft, Lord.’

    ‘She is soft,’ the Lord agreed,

    ‘but I have also made her tough.

    You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.’

    ‘Will she be able to think?’, asked the angel.

    The Lord replied,

    ‘Not only will she be able to think,

    she will be able to reason and negotiate.’

    The angel then noticed something,

    and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek.

    ‘Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.

    I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.’

    ‘That’s not a leak,’

    the Lord corrected,

    ‘that’s a tear!’

    ‘What’s the tear for?’ the angel asked.

    The Lord said, ‘The tear is her way of expressing her joy,

    her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,her loneliness, her grief and her pride.’

    The angel was impressed.

    ‘You are a genius, Lord.

    You thought of everything!

    Woman is truly amazing.’

    And she is!

    Women have strengths that amaze men.

    They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

    but they hold happiness,

    love and joy.

    They smile when they want to scream.

    They sing when they want to cry.

    They cry when they are happy

    and laugh when they are nervous.

    They fight for what they believe in.

    They stand up to injustice.

    They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer

    when they believe there is a better solution.

    They go without so their family can have.

    They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

    They love unconditionally.

    They cry when their children excel

    and cheer when their friends get awards.

    They are happy when they hear about

    a birth or a wedding.

    Their hearts break when a friend dies.

    They grieve at the loss of a family member,

    yet they are strong w hen they think there is no strength left.

    They know that a hug and a kiss

    can heal a broken heart.

    Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

    They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

    to show how much they care about you.

    The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

    They bring joy, hope and love.

    They have compassion and ideals.

    They give moral support to their family and friends.

    Women have vital things to say and everything to give




    ok, ok- I’m not really that mean. If you can handle it, good. If not, make believe I never wrote this. After all, you do have a very good imagination….


    SJS, awesome!! Thanx for posting that! Everytime I see it I give myself a pat on the back!! lol go women!


    anyone got any other cute emails?




    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:


    DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:


    THE EYES: !

    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:



    When you rearrange the letters:


    Yep ! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay

    too much time on their hands ! (Probably a son-in- law).

    Bet your friends haven’t seen this one !!!



    thanks 220ldgold, although I did hear it before, is there one that the mod deleted from the list? 🙂


    22OldGold, that (Probably a son-in- law) hints that you skipped out a mother-in-law joke 😉


    kapusta – nope

    moish – that’s how it came.


    yea moish thats the one I was referring to, but I dont think the mods will let it through



    In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and

    Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

    The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized

    days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”

    The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor,

    how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,

    Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

    The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client,

    counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

    The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

    The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.

    Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’

    Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no

    God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is


    You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!


    DISCLAIMER: this is for humor purposes only!


    Cup of Tea .

    One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as

    A gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I

    Brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several

    Cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

    My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of

    Tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure

    Enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she

    Watches him drink it up.

    Then she says, smiling, (as only a mother would know.. 🙂

    ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?



    here’s one from rav gifter reaction=creation



    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.



    ‘A good friend will

    always be there for you….

    no matter what!


    Proud To Be

    Your Friend!

    Make sure you read

    all the way down to

    the last sentence,

    and don’t skip ahead..

    I’ve learned…

    That life is like a

    roll of toilet paper….

    The closer it gets

    to the end, the

    faster it goes.

    I’ve learned….

    That we should be

    glad God doesn’t

    give us everything

    we ask for.

    I’ve learned…..

    That money DOES NOT

    buy class!!

    I’ve learned that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

    I’ve learned…

    That under everyone’s

    hard shell is someone

    who wants to be


    and loved.

    I’ve learned….

    That the Lord didn’t

    do it all in one day

    What makes me

    think I can?

    I’ve learned….

    That to ignore the

    facts does not

    change the facts.

    I’ve learned….

    That the less time

    I have to work,

    the more things

    I get done.

    To all of you…. Make

    sure you read all the

    way down to the

    last sentence.

    It’s National



    Show your friends

    how much you care.

    Send this to everyone

    you consider a FRIEND!

    Even if it means sending

    it back to the person

    who sent it to you.

    If it comes back to you,

    then you’ll know you

    have a circle of friends.


    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

    Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles

    are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the

    vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    And finally….

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.


    LOL mepal, I’m on that program, and after over 20 years I’ve even gotten up to two potatoes!


    good job squeak! i take it you’re over 70?!lol


    The Sack Lunches

    >I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my

    >assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. ‘I’m glad I have a

    >good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,’ I thought.


    >Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled

    >all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a

    >conversation. ‘Where are you headed?’ I asked the soldier seated

    >nearest to me.


    >’Petawawa. We’ll be there for two weeks for special training, and then

    >we’re being deployed to Afghanistan


    >After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack

    >lunches were available for five dollars. It would be

    >several hours

    >before we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help

    >pass the time..


    >As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he

    >planned to buy lunch. ‘No, that seems like a lot of money for just a

    >sack lunch. Probably wouldn’t be worth five bucks. I’ll wait till we

    >get to base ‘


    >His friend agreed.


    >I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I

    >walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty

    >dollar bill. ‘Take a lunch to all those soldiers.’ She grabbed my

    >arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me.

    >’My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it’s almost like you are doing it for



    >Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers

    >were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, ‘Which do you like best

    >- beef or chicken?’


    >’Chicken,’ I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to

    >the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from

    >first class. ‘This is your thanks.’

    >After we finished eating,

    >I went again to the back of the plane,

    >heading for the rest room. A man stopped me.. ‘I saw what you did. I

    >want to be part of it. Here, take this.’ He handed me twenty-five



    >Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down

    >the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was

    >not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on

    >my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held

    >out his hand, an said, ‘I want to shake your hand.’


    >Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain’s hand.

    >With a booming voice he said, ‘I was a soldier and I was a military

    >pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I

    >never forgot.’ I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of

    >the passengers.


    >Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A

    >man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand,

    >wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.


    >When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane.

    >Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopp

    >ed me, put

    >something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a

    >word. Another twenty-five dollars!


    >Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip

    >to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five

    >dollars. ‘It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be

    >about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.’


    >Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their

    >fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer

    >for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our

    >country. I could only give them a couple of meals.


    >It seemed so little…


    >A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,wrote a blank check

    >made payable to ‘America for an amount of ‘up to and including my



    >That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no

    >longer understand it.’




    ditto areivim!!! 🙂

    funny bunny


    when you rearrange the letters, it spells




    funny bunny lol, welcome! check out the new members thread 🙂


    (mods, if this was posted already, just delete it!)

    This has yet to be posted, but these are jokes, not actual events

    YW Moderator-39


    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.” A few minutes later, the officer Radios in. “Disregard.” He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.”



    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at The door.”



    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.” And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”



    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to Know?”



    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” “They’re wrong” shouted Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”



    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”



    Back in the cowboy days, the westbound wagon train was lost and low on


    No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew

    sitting beneath a tree.

    The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food.

    Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”

    “Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down de other


    Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”

    “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.

    “Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”

    The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they

    might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

    “So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.

    “Oh, you know those Jews-they don’t eat bacon.”

    So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,

    Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to

    escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”

    The near-dead man starts shouting. “You old fool! You sent us to our


    We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just

    hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”

    The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.”

    He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing

    through it. “Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.”

    “It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!”


    Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

    1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”

    2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

    3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

    4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

    5) MEOW occasionally.

    6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” – and back away slowly

    7) SAY -DING at each floor.

    8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.

    9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

    10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”

    11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

    12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

    13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”

    14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

    15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

    16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

    17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

    18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”

    19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

    20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

    21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.

    22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.


    This one is politically correct . . so I knew you would like it!

    Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the new president and his cabinet, “Barocky Road”. It’s half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by fruits and nuts.


    mepal that was great! LOL!


    I think theres a video like this on

    The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

    When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls . He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”

    The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

    “Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions–and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

    The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

    The sand is everything else–the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

    “Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first–the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.

    “It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

    Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID


    kapusta, I once read that years ago and really appreciated it. I’m glad you shared it here. Thanks!



    > We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

    > But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

    > One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

    > Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

    > You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

    > Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.


    > If the plural of man is always called men,

    > Then shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

    > If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

    > And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

    > If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

    > Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?


    > Then one may be that, and three would be those,

    > Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

    > And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

    > We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

    > But though we say mother, we never say methren.

    > Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

    > But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!


    > Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.

    > There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

    > neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    > English muffins weren’t invented in England .

    > We take English for granted, but if we explore its

    > paradoxes,

    > we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are

    > square,

    > and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.


    > And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t

    > fing,

    > grocers don’t groce and

    > hammers don’t ham?

    > Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not

    > one amend.

    > If you have a bunch of odds and ends

    > and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?


    > If in the past, teachers taught, why didn’t preachers

    > praught?

    > If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian

    > eat?

    > Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking

    > English

    > should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.


    > In what other language do people recite at a play and play

    > at a recital?

    > We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

    > We have noses that run and feet that smell.

    > We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

    > And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

    > while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?


    > You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

    > in which your house can burn up as it burns down,

    > in which you fill in a form by filling it out,

    > and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

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