Jokes

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Viewing 50 posts - 701 through 750 (of 2,018 total)
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  • #1201528
    yossi z.
    Member

    I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, “I can’t believe how intoxicated you are.”Denying it I said, “I’m not drunk.”She said, “Yes you are.”I said, “No I’m not.”She said, “Can you tell the time?”I walked up to the clock and said, “I’m not drunk.” (No I am not married, this is a joke)

    #1201529
    not I
    Member

    Bill Gates is going to be brought up to heaven.

    They are going to greet him and tell him- “Gehinom”- you created the internet with so much bad stuf…

    So he retorts.. ” Look at how much Torah is spread cause of it. Not only bad..”

    He is told “You get a choice.”

    He is escorted to Gan Eden. There he sees old men poring over gemoros in a dilapidated beis medrash. He thinks, this can not be. Not interested.

    He is then shown gehinom. There he sees a bar lit up with ppl filling their glasses one after the other. He tells his escorts “Gehinom is what i choose!”

    He gets there and he is scorched and burnt from the flames and he asks “This is not like I was shown..”

    They answer him

    ” That was just a screen saver!!!!!!”

    #1201530
    yossi z.
    Member

    Lol

    #1201531
    yossi z.
    Member

    700th post let’s see even more laughs!

    #1201532
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    hey thats cheating you put lol so you can make the 700th post

    tsk tsk

    #1201533
    yossi z.
    Member

    I actually put lol to revive the thread (it had just fallen off) it was then I noticed that it was at 699 so I made the 700th so 😛 mbachur 😀

    😀 yossi 😀

    #1201534
    Poster
    Member

    A Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he’s forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.

    He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs (mezuzot!) and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms.

    He’s really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won’t put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a

    few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He’s so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

    As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, “Glad you’re happy with the job.” “By the way, I took out all the warranties from the little boxes and left them on your table.

    #1201535
    smartcookie
    Member

    I hate jokes that go on and on just for one little punchline!

    Many jokes can be said in 2 sentences, as opposed to 15!

    #1201536
    yossi z.
    Member

    So instead of hating, post your own! 🙂

    😀 yossi 😀

    #1201537
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Politicians and diapers need changing regularly.

    Both for the same reason.

    #1201538
    yossi z.
    Member

    What does the barber do to your hair? Eclipse it (sorry) 🙂

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1201539
    JustHold
    Member

    Did you hear about the Israeli who sent a message to the organizers of the Egyptian protesters?

    He said “Don’t attack the pyramids. We Jews WILL NOT come back to re-build them!!!!

    #1201540
    kapusta
    Participant

    What does the barber do to your hair? Eclipse it (sorry) 🙂

    I heard it as “what does a barber do for a living? eclipse”. Of course every time I see a post from our local (former) watermelon I think of it. 🙂

    *kapusta*

    #1201541

    Cont of “They live among us”

    A’s phone is stolen. B hears the news and is very disappointed.

    B decides to text A saying- “A, Sorry to hear your phone was stolen. That really stinks. Have a good night.”

    The Robber (C) texts back and says-“I think you got the wrong number, this is not A.”

    They live among us

    MISHENICHNAS ADAR MARBIM BESIMCHA!

    #1201542
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    simchas,

    the guy wouldve closed his account!

    #1201543

    A)theoretically speaking

    B)on who’s phone is he going to call his service provider to cancel his service (he doesn’t have internet)?

    C)and B heard about what happened two minutes after it happened and quickly sent that text.

    #1201544
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    lol, call from a landline! (or someone elses cell phone, if you need to do something you’ll do it however possible)

    and B wouldn’t know 2 minutes after b/c he would close it first then tell people or at least thats what i would do

    :P> machur <d:

    #1201545
    yossi z.
    Member

    Mbachur: come on, don’t kill the joke! (Sorry if I seem to be coming off a bit harsh here, this is all meant in good humor)

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1201546
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    so then what should i kill instead…….time,

    wait im already doing that!

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1201547
    yossi z.
    Member

    Haha!!

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1201548

    way to go mbachur, you killed it!

    completely gave it a proper shechita!

    (Is it Bedatz or OU? or Aidus Charaidus?)

    #1201549
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    It’s actually under a bunch of them!

    K.O. Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation

    K MART — Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to discount their normal fees

    and make money through volume.

    YUD K, VOV K — Under Divine Supervision

    I’M OK, YOU’RE OK — Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.

    #1201550

    lol. good ones,

    you’re on fire.

    #1201551
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    AHHHHH! PUT ME OUT PUT ME OUT!

    :P> mbachur <d:

    #1201552

    yup, you just killed your own joke!

    but don’t worry, it seems you have a streak of doing that (2-2).

    so no need to see a psychologist.

    he’ll just tell you-“you are a joke killer.”

    and I already told you that. So no need for you to go!

    just playin around!

    keep it going! it’s fun!

    #1201553
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    will the give me life in prison (I think its a good cereal)

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1201554
    yossi z.
    Member

    Why would we do that? You’re a cereal killer (sorry doesn’t really work in writing). Lol

    Where is lieutenant kernel? He could really help out this conversation

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1201555
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    pun counted yossi!

    #1201556
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I wonder if i’m considered a eesh shnei meisim!

    (being 2 for 2)

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1201557
    lkwdfellow
    Member

    WHEN I SAY I’M BROKE – I’M BROKE!

    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be

    confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    ‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple

    minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in

    high-powered vacuum cleaners…

    ‘ ‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any

    money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed

    it wide open… ”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you

    have at least seen my demonstration.”

    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

    ”Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this

    horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the

    remainder.”

    The old lady stepped back and said, ”Well, let me get you a fork,

    ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”

    #1201558
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    lolrotf

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1201559

    mbachur, i was surprised you didn’t kill the joke!?

    #1201560
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    it was too good to kill but if i really must!

    she probably wouldve been evicted before the guy even came

    #1201561

    what about saying that the vaccum cleaner was battery powered?

    #1201562
    yossi z.
    Member

    Mbachur: what is this? First mountain lions and now jokes? Who brought you up that you are running around killing? =D

    😀 Zuberman! 😀

    #1201563
    Sister Bear
    Member

    lkwdfellow – lol

    Heard about the robber who went in to rob a bank but realized he couldn’t get any of the gold and he couldn’t get out, so he called the cops to help him out.

    #1201564
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    yossi,

    my parents brought me up, I guessing your parents did the same too!

    :P> mbachur <<d:

    #1201565
    ymhtb1
    Member

    A robber went to a bank held up the teller, and said i’m sorry but you are a witness and killed her. He turned around to the first guy on the line asking if he had seen anything? the man answered yes and shot him. The robber continued down the line shooting the people on the line until he got to a couple he asked the man if he had seen anything? the man said no, but my wife did.

    #1201566
    cb1
    Member

    Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison? To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him. Trouble was, he didn’t invest their money. As time rolled on he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors. Finally there were too many old investors and not enough money from new investors coming in to keep the payments going.

    Next thing you know Madoff is one of the most hated men in America and he is off to jail.

    Some of you know this. But not enough of you. Madoff did to his investors what the government has been doing to us for over 70 years with Social Security. There is no meaningful difference between the two schemes, except that one was operated by a private individual who is now in jail, and the other is operated by politicians who enjoy perks, privileges and status in spite of their actions.

    Do you need a side-by-side comparison here?

    BERNIE MADOFF

    SOCIAL SECURITY

    Takes money from investors with the promise that the money will be invested and made available to them later.

    Takes money from wage earners with the promise that the money will be invested in a “Trust Fund” (Lock Box) and made available later.

    Instead of investing the money Madoff spends it on nice homes in the Hamptons and yachts.

    Instead of depositing money in a Trust Fund the politicians transfer it to the General Revenue Fund and use it for general spending and vote buying.

    When the time comes to pay the investors back Madoff simply uses some of the new funds from newer investors to pay back the older investors.

    When benefits for older investors become due the politicians pay them with money taken from younger and newer wage earners to pay the older geezers.

    When Madoff’s scheme is discovered all hell breaks loose. New investors won’t give him any more cash.

    When Social Security runs out of money the politicians try to force the taxpayers to send them some more; or they cancel S/S to all those who paid into it.

    Bernie Madoff is in jail.

    Politicians remain in Washington .. with fat medical and retirement benefits.

    #1201567
    Getzel
    Participant

    Wife: Why have u been reading Our marriage certificate for an hour? Husband: i was looking for the expiration date!

    #1201568
    Poster
    Member

    cb1 – uch that doesnt make me feel too good

    #1201569
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    BEWARE OF THE SCAM!

    People from around the world are being asked to donate money to Egypt.

    Personally I think its a pyramid scheme.

    #1201571

    “Welcome to Yeshivas Machrivei haDaas, where we make sure your son knows there is only one derech and follows it no matter what. Just like in Sdoim, where there was one bed and they did whatever they could to make sure you fit, we stretch and cut your son’s very etzem haneshome until he fits our mold.”

    #1201572
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    oy shticky guy,

    I WANT MY MUMMY

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1201573
    Imanonov
    Participant

    600kilobear: very good, but unfortunately not a joke.

    #1201578
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.

    He replied, “She is called Five Horses.”

    The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.

    What does it mean?”

    The Old Indian answered,

    “It old Indian Name. It mean…

    NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

    #1201579
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Two mossad agents are waiting to ambush Ahmedinnajad in a dark alley, they were tipped off that he would pass by that alley at 12:30. They wait until 12:30 and no Ahmedinnajad, they wait until 1:00 and still no Ahmedinnajad, finally at 1:30 one of them tells the other

    “I hope nothing bad happened to him”

    :p> mbachur <d:

    #1201582
    FAD UP
    Participant

    i was yesterday in brooklyn by a wedding & i was looking for a bathroom & i couldnt find one, till i found a door with a sign WATCH YOUR STEP so i want to that door my brother asks me why your going there so i answered him the reason why there is a sign there is cause people rush there so they have to watch their step WHERE COULD SOMEONE RUSH IF NOT TO THE BATHROOM.

    #1201583
    always here
    Participant

    “Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters in rural France last year, archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years. The French came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries ago.

    Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters. Shortly thereafter headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: “English archeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber- optic cable and have concluded that ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French.”

    One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using wireless technology. “

    #1201588
    cb1
    Member

    Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn’t take it kindly when a bad case of the flu sent her to the hospital for observation.

    By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

    Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. “What’s that?” she demanded.

    “If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,” said one of the interns, “just press that button.”

    “What does it do, ring a bell?” she asked.

    “No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,” the intern replied.

    “A light in the hall?” responded Grandma. “Look, I’m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.”

Viewing 50 posts - 701 through 750 (of 2,018 total)
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