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Posts
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Here R a few
Two Hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his Phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “my Friend is dead! what can i do?”the operator says, “calm down. i can help. first let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says “Ok, now what?”
A guy says, “I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers”
A doctor says to his patient, ” I have bad news and worse news.” “oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. the doctor replies, “you only have 24 hours to live.” “that’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” the doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
Moishie thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black?”
For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats showing the Chinese zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) – well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are.
THE YIDDISH ZODIAC
The Year of CHICKEN SOUP
1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You’re a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children – resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.
The Year of EGG CREAM
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You’ve got a devious personality, since you’re made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you’re too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
The Year of CHOPPED LIVER
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People either love you or hate you, making you wonder, “What am I, chopped liver?” But don’t get a complex; you’re always welcome at the holidays! Bagel’s got your back.
The Year of BLINTZ
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy, you’re rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.
The Year of LATKE
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you’re a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain naked, but when dressed up you’re a real dish. Compatible with Schmear’s cousin Sour Cream.
The Year of BAGEL
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You’re pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something’s missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox. Latke and Knish, not so much.
The Year of PICKLE
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You’re the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.
The Year of SCHMEAR
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami – wouldn’t be kosher.
The Year of PASTRAMI
1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket’s hipper sibling, always smokin’ and ready to party. You spice up life, even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who’s always by your side.
The Year of BLACK AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you’re “New Age,” all yin & yang. We call it “bipolar.” Sweetie, you’re most compatible with yourself.
The Year of KNISH
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you’re actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don’t get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who’s out of your league.
The Year of LOX
1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you’re very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
Adam went to G-d and said “I’m very lonely could You make a mate for me”
G-d said “Sure, I’ll make you mate that is extremely beautiful she’ll have blonde hair and blue eyes. she will be an amazing cook and she will never ever nag you she will be supportive of everything you do and never question you decisions”
“Great!” said Adam “but what is this gonna cost me?”
“An arm and a leg”
“that’s a little much. what can i get for a rib”
A man walks into a doctors office and goes into the examining room.
The man has a great big carrot sticking out of one ear and a great big celery stalk popping out of the other ear.
The doctor walks in and says, “I can tell right off the bat you’re not eating right.”
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink
The bartender says “we don’t serve mushrooms”
“Why not? I’m a fun guy”
what did one chromosome say to another?
do these genes make me look fat?
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
(You’re going to love the Dad’s reply!)
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”
The third joke reminded me of a maaseh that I had at the DMV
I was at the teller and the lady behind the counter said “oh you were born … my son was born 2 days before that, oh you were born in 19.. my son was also born that year which means I could be your mother”
sure enough I got my licence with her son’s birthdate
I bring it back and show her her mistake, to which we have to do the whole thing over. Being Jewish I don’t want to be an organ donor, however she wrote that I do.
I bring the licence back a second time and have to do the whole thing again.
The third time she tells me to look the licence over before I leave, which I do and reply….
“You wrote Safe Driver”
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Daffynitions
{intaxication}: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
{reintarnation}: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
{bozone (n.)): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
{giraffiti}: vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.
{hipatitis}: terminal coolness.
{glibido}: all talk and no action.
{dopeler effect}: meteorologists take note – the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you from a computer.
{beelzebug} (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 a.m. and cannot be cast out, even by an exorcit.
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let’s face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends
k so i didnt read the whole thread so im not sure if anyone posted this joke yet or not but i guess its worth the laughs.
a mother of twin boys was having a hard time disciplining them. those two were always doing trouble. one day, she was so fed up she decided to take them to a priest to give them a good lecture. the priest requested to see the boys one at a time.
the older twin went first. the priest sat him down, stared him straight in the eye and asked,
“son, where is god?”
the boys face froze in fear
the priest asked again, “where is god?”
the boy just stared.
the priest was fed up and yelled “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy got up and ran all the way home. when his twin brother came over to him he said:
“Brother were in big trouble this time……
GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE DID IT!!!!”
(I just love that last line)
What does tisha b’av and bein hazmanim have in common?
1)u put on teffilin by mincha
2)it’s asur to wear shoes
3)it’s asur to learn
brain study
It takes a few seconds to get the hang of it…I’ve seen this with the
letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.
Did it! Hint: move away a bit from the screen.
this message
serves to prove
how our minds can
do amazing things
impressive things
in the beginning
itwas hard
but now on this line
your mind is
reading it
automatically
without even
thinking about it
be proud
only certain people can
read this
please forward
if
you can read this
Oh My Gosh 7H4NK Y0U
In front of a church in Mexico City sat two beggars. The one closest to the door was bearded, and had a cup with a large Star of David. Next to him sat a clean-shaven man, holding a cup with a large cross on it.
Services over, the congregants began streaming out. The first man to leave looked at the bearded beggar with disgust, then, with an exaggerated motion, dropped a 100-peso note into the second beggar’s crossed receptacle. The second person, equally irate, brushed by the bearded beggar to drop a 50-peso note into the next cup. And so it went for ten minutes.
Finally, a compassionate young priest, who had been watching from the wings, approached the bearded man with the empty cup. “Sir,” he said, “Why don’t you get a cup with a cross on it, like the fellow next to you? Look how much money he’s getting just by having a cross on his cup!”
Whereupon the bearded beggar turned to his companion and said, “Yossele, look who’s telling us how to do our business!”
A man named Moishe goes to a rabbi and complains about all the problems he has in his life: his wife, his children, his work and everything else he can think of. Every week he goes to the rabbi and every week the list gets longer. And every week the rabbi always listens quietly and doesn’t say a word. Until one week, the rabbi finally says to Moishe, “Why don’t you convert?”
Moishe, shocked that the rabbi would suggest something so scandalous asks, “How will that solve my problems?”
The rabbi answers, “It won’t, but it will solve mine.”
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the shul and says, “I want to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?”
The man answers, “Esther bas Moshe.”
The Gabbai says, “No, I need your name.”
“It’s Esther bas Moshe,” the man says.
“How can that be your name?”
The man answers, “I’ve been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife’s name.”
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, “George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Bush asks. Mahmud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”
Bush says, “You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmud asks.
Bush replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”
Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Lexus with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the Shammes in the shul 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious!”
Moishe Goldberg was on his death bed and asked Rabbi Solomon to come and visit him.
The dying man said nothing so Rabbi Solomon repeated his order.
Still Goldberg said nothing.
Rabbi Solomon asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce Satan and your evil inclination?”
Moishe Goldberg said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
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An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”.
Hymie replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab replied, “I don’t want a tie, I need water.”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped, “I found it all right. But they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
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A man is laying on the operating table, about to be
operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, “Son, think of it this way…If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you.”
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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose Daddy was the greatest.
David said, “My Dad is the greatest because he is rich stock broker on Wall Street.”
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A Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, “It’s easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there’s your dog.
So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, “Where’s my dog?” They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.
“Oh, my gosh, they say, we killed this woman’s dog. What are we going to do?”
Then one says, “Wait a minute, it’s a cocker spaniel. They’re common dogs.
There’s a pet shop across the street from the airport. We’ll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She’ll never know the difference.”
They bring the woman the other dog but she says, “That’s not my dog.” Laughingly and making light of it they say, “What do you mean that’s not your dog?”
To which she responds, “My dog’s dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper? Now I have to get to start cleaning and cooking. “
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Moishie thinks about this, and then says, “Well then why is the groom wearing black?”
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One Sunday, two separate wedding ceremonies take place at the Beth Israel shul. First of all, Chaim gets married to Rivkah, and then later in the afternoon, Aaron gets married to Hannah. So, you might ask, did both their marriages start on a positive note?
Well, on his first day of married life, Chaim says to Rivkah, “You’ll always have to do all the house cleaning, all the cooking, and all the washing and drying of the dishes on your own. That’s what my mother always did, and that’s what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And I’ll try to help you whenever I can.”
On his second day of married life, Chaim decided to roll up his sleeves and help so he found that together they were able to finish the housework.
So what about Aaron and Hannah?
Well, on their first day of married life, Aaron said to Hannah, “You’ll have to do all the house cleaning, all the washing and drying the dishes, all the shopping, and all the cooking on your own. You’ll also have to have my dinner ready on the table the minute I arrive back from work. And once a month, you’ll also have to mow the lawn and clean the outside of the windows. That’s what my mother always did, and that’s what I will expect you to do from now onwards. And don’t expect much help from me – I’ll be too busy doing my own things.”
all these famous magicians have to up their game cuz i just saw the best one yet he ran into the middle of the street ripped open his shirt yelled allah huakbar and made himself and 30 other people disappear
Hello and thank you for calling the Jewish Grandparent Hotline. If you are one of our children, press 1
If you need us to stay with the grandchildren, press 2
If you want the grandchildren to sleep at our house tonight, press 3
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 4
If you want us to prepare a meal for Shabbos and have it delivered to your home, press 5
If you want to come here for Shabbos, press 6
If you need money, press 7
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or are sending us on a cruise for our anniversary start talking!!
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The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.
Case Closed!
You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system…
“Attention standby passengers – we now have a seat available on El Al flight number 386.
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Rachel decides to do some shopping at and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women’s clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realises that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see ‘what’s what.’
“So where are you?” she angrily asks Moishe. “I thought we were shopping together.”
“Don’t get broyges, darling,” replies Moishe. “Do you remember the jewellery shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?”
“Yes, of course I do, darling” replies Rachel excitedly. “Why do you ask?”
“Well I’m in the Cafe next door to that jewellery store eating an ice cream.”
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A Swiss tourist is traveling through Chelm and looking for directions, he pulls up at a bus stop where Chaim and Yankel are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
Chaim and Yankel just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist finally drives off, frustrated. Chaim turns to Yankel and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says Yankel. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!”
Rabbi Epstein is new in town and is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. But the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
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^Rivkah sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. “How are you, darling?” she said. “What kind of a day are you having?”
“Oh, mother,” said Rivka, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. Baby Levi won’t eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping for Shabbos, and besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have two couples for Shabbos dinner this week.”
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. “Oh, darling,” she said, “sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook Shabbos for you. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a repairman I know who’ll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I’ll do everything. In fact, I’ll even call David at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”
“David?” said Rivkah. “Who’s David?”
“No, this is 223-1375.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.”
There was a short pause and Rivkah said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”
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“Waiter,” he says, pointing to their plates, “be honest with me, these pieces of fish are from cans aren’t they?”
“From cans, sir?” says the waiter, indignantly. “They’re not from cans. They came directly from Alaska.”
Rochel pipes up, “But were they exported or deported?!!”
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“Now I have good news and bad news for you,” the Rabbi continues. “The good news is that we have the money to repair it; the bad news is that the money is in your pockets.”
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Rabbi Shmuel dies and is now standing in a line of people waiting to find out whether they are going to heaven – a line containing, among others, the righteous, academics, religious leaders, and the virtuous. As Rabbi Shmuel looks around, he sees an angel bowing and speaking reverently to a rather rough looking man. The angel then leads this man to the front of the line.
Rabbi Shmuel is very surprised by this action. “How odd,” he says to himself. “It seems that this ordinary looking man is going to get precedence over all of us here. Who can this man be?”
The angel notices the look of surprise on Rabbi Shmuel’s face and so goes over to him and says, “I know it looks a bit odd, rabbi, but this man is a taxi driver.”
“But if that is all, why does it make him a special person?” asks Rabbi Shmuel.
“Let me explain, rabbi,” replies the angel. “It’s simple really. We obviously realise up here that in your lifetime, you have influenced quite a lot of people and explained to them why they should believe in Hashem. But the thousands of people who have travelled in this man’s taxi immediately began to pray with 100% total sincerity.”
How does a Jewish man propose?
He rents a 15 sitter and asks to help fill it up!
How many by girls does it take to change a light bulb?
100, one to screw it in and 99 to say tehilm
“Oy, doctor, have I got a problem,” says Shimon. “Every night, when I get into my bed, I think there’s a crazy person under it ready to do me some serious harm. I’m going meshugga with fear. Please help me.”
“So how long will it take, doctor?” asks Shimon.
“And how much do you charge per session, doctor?” asks Shimon.
Many months later, Shimon meets Dr. Bloom at the supermarket. “So why didn’t you decide to let me cure you of your fears?” asks Dr. Bloom.
“So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?” asks Dr. Bloom.
Sadie Cohen lived in a diverse neighborhood on Long Island.
Her neighbor was a very generous African American woman named Louise Jackson who stopped in one Saturday and asked, “Mrs. Cohen, I have to go into the City this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything?”
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed, “Listen, I have a commuter ticket for the train that I don’t use on Saturday. Why don’t you use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for. Why should you pay extra?”
The neighbor thanked her, and later got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”.
“Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen, the person whose name appears on this ticket?”
Louise smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked, “Would you let me compare signatures — would you please sign your name?”
Louise Jackson turned indignantly and snapped, “Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”
“What! More money yet?” says his father. “What do you think you need money for this time?”
“I need to buy an Italian made pin-stripe suit for my interviews,” replies Moshe.
“And how much is that Italian suit going to cost me?” asks his father.
“If I had to guess, $1500 at least” replies Moshe.
“That’s exactly why I need a good quality suit dad,” replies Moshe. “I need to make sure that I will never have to drive a $1500 car.”
Little Itzik Goldshmit from Kibbutz Kfar Giladi in Israel was visiting his American cousin who lived in Florida. One day a farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. Itzik saw him and asked, “What do you have in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked little Itzik.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“Back in my kibbutz,” Itzik advised, “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
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Dave and Mike, both in their 90’s, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Dave suddenly fell deathly ill. Mike visited Dave on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Dave had only a few more minutes to live, Mike said, “Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”
With his dying breath, Dave whispers, “If God permits, I’ll do my best to get you an answer.”
A few days after Dave died, Mike is sleeping when he hears Dave’s voice.
Dave says, “Mike, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you’re scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow’s double-header.”
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^Molly and Morris, both 97, live in the Boca Villa in Miami, Florida.
So the taxi driver promptly took them to the Income Tax Authority building.
Young Sarah Feldman came home very sad from a date. She told her mother, “David proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Mazal tov! But why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
A fellow walks into the library and strolls over to the librarian. ” One pie two fries and a coke please” bewildered she replies “um..sir this is a library!” “Oh I’m sorry” he replied and in a whispered tone he says “One pie two fries and a coke please”.
An old Jewish woman, on her 80th birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and to ask him for advice on a few points, chief amongst them is her request that she not be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
“But why Mrs. Epstein?” the rabbi asks. “You don’t want to be buried with the rest of our people?”
“No,” Mrs. Epstein said resolutely. “I want to be buried at Bloomingdales.”
“Bloomingdales?!” the rabbi said in disbelief.
“Yes. Then I’ll be sure that my daughters will visit me at least twice a week!”
Mendel, a popular waiter at Yitz’s Delicatessen, passes away, and some of his customers decide to go to a spiritualist who says that he can contact Mendel in the afterlife.
“Just knock on the table as you did when he was with you,” says the medium, “and he will appear again.”
There is much knocking, but no sign of Mendel. The group bangs louder and louder, and finally they begin to call his name, louder and louder. Then, Mendel appears, with a cloth over his arm.
“What happened, Mendel?” says one in the group. “Why didn’t you come when we first knocked?”
“It wasn’t my table,” says Mendel.
Two women meet on the street.
“Molly, I understand you have a mazal tov coming to you.”
“Oh yes — my daughter is getting married.”
“Isn’t that wonderful! And who’s the lucky man?”
“David is the chief surgical resident at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.”
“That’s wonderful. But wait — I thought he was a professor.”
“Oh no, that was her previous husband — a law professor at Yale.”
“My goodness, that’s really something. Then why do I seem to remember a psychiatrist?”
“You must be thinking of Saul, her first husband.”
“Oh Molly, you’re a lucky women. Imagine, having so much naches, from just one daughter!”
Three men are in the maternity waiting room at Hadassah Hospital in Israel. A doctor comes in and says to the first man, “Mazel Tov, your wife just gave birth to quadruplets!”
The man replied, “Wow, what a coincidence, I live in Kiryat Arbah and arba is four.”
Another doctor comes in and says to the second man, “Mazel Tov! Your wife just gave birth to septuplets.”
The second man replies, “I can’t believe it. What a coincidence — I live in Be’er Sheva, sheva is seven.”
Just then, the third man faints and thuds onto the floor. The others rush over to him and one of the doctors is able to revive him. “Sir” he says, “what happened? Are you alright?”
The man looks at the doctor and smiles weakly, “I live in Meah Shearim. The neighborhood of a hundred gates!”
A very old couple comes to the rabbi to get divorced. As tactfully as possible, the rabbi asks the man how old he is.
“103,” he replies.
“And you?” the rabbi asks the wife.
“94,” she says.
“And how long have you been married?”
“75 years,” they say in unison.
“I don’t get it,” says the rabbi. “After 75 years all of a sudden you decide to get a divorce?”
“It’s is not all of a sudden,” they reply. “We wanted to get divorced almost 70 years ago, but we decided to wait for the children to die.”
An old Jewish man goes to see one of New York’s top medical specialists.
“How much do I owe you doctor?” he asks.
“My fee is $5000.”
“$5000!” the man exclaims. “That’s impossible.”
“Fine, in your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could make it 3000.”
“3000? Ridiculous.”
“Well can you afford 1000?”
“A thousand dollars? Who has that kind of money?”
Frustrated, the doctor says, “Just give me $800 and we’ll be done with it.”
“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to one of the most expensive doctors in New York City if you didn’t have any money?”
“Listen doctor,” says the patient. “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive.”
A Chassid comes to see his Rabbi: “Rebbe, I had a dream that I was the leader of 300 Chassidim. What should I do?”
The Rabbi replies, “Come back when three hundred Chassidim have a dream that you are their leader.”
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
Priest: I would like someone to say “He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.”
Minister: I would like someone to say “He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners.”
Rabbi: I would want someone to say “Look, he’s moving.”
Walking through San Francisco’s Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign “Moishe Plotnik’s Laundry.” “Moishe Plotnik?” he wondered. “How does that belong in Chinatown?”
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo “Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Laundry.” The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, “Can you explain how this place got a name like ‘Moishe Plotnik’s Laundry?’
The old man answered, “Ah…Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner.”
Looking around, the tourist asked, “Is he here?”
“It me,” replies the old man.
“Really? You’re Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?”
“Is simple”, said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at ‘Documentation Center of Immigration.’ Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, “What your name?”
He say, “Moishe Plotnik.”
Then she look at me and say, “What your name?”
I say, “Sam Ting.”
The Cohen family was on good terms with their Catholic neighbors, the O’Brian’s. In fact, little Yainkele Cohen and Chris O’Brian from next door would play together from time to time. Or at least they used to.
Well, one late December’s day, Tim O’Brian, the non-Jewish father, came storming in to the Cohen’s house holding poor Yainkel by the ear. “Your son is not going near my Chris again; he just has no respect for us and our religion!”
“What’s the matter; what did he do?” inquired Mr. Cohen.
“I’ll tell you” said Tim in a rage. “He saw our Christmas tree and started making fun.”
“He did?” said Mr. Cohen. “What did he say?”
“He saw our tree and started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions – which kinds of pine trees can be used for a Christmas tree? What’s the minimum required height? How close to the window does it need to be? Do too many decorations render it unfit? What if it’s under a neighbor’s balcony?!”
A Yiddish speaking newcomer to American took his pregnant wife to the hospital, but during the delivery, when he found out they were twins, he fainted. He didn’t come to for a few days so his brother was brought in to help name the children.
“My brother named my kids?!” he exclaimed when he woke up. “But my brother is illiterate. And he can’t even speak any English. Oiy, so what did he name the girl?”
“He named her Denise.”
“Denise? Well, that’s not such a bad name. I kind of like it. And what did he call the little boy?”
“De Nephew.”
A funeral procession was moving slowly down a narrow street on the Lower East Side of New York. Their route took them past the offices of the last Yiddish Newspaper left in the city.
One of the editors saw the funeral procession and called to his colleague, “Hey Mottel, print one less!”
The rabbi’s sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.
“Is there anyone in this synagogue who can honestly say they have no enemies?” asked the rabbi.
Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.
“Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies,” asked the rabbi.
Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the synagogue where she explained, “I outlived ’em all.”
On their way to work every morning, Zalman and Kalman walk by a church. One day Zalman points to an enormous sign on the church entrance that says, “A Half Million Dollars to Any Jew who Converts to Christianity.”
One Friday morning, Kalman says, “I’ve been thinking about it. It is a pretty good deal. I want to take them up on it.”
The next Monday morning on their walk to work, Zalman says to Kalman, “So nu? Did you get the half million dollars?”
Kalman looks at Zalman and says, “You people! All you think about is money!”
One afternoon Max comes home from work to0 find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the lawn, garbage spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled up and are lying on the sidewalk.
As Max enters his house, he finds an even bigger mess. The tables are lying on their sides, all the vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair cushions are lying on the ground and the carpet is stained where one of the children was sick. The children’s room is strewn inches deep with toys and clothes.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning’s breakfast, none of the food has been cleared, the fridge door is wide open and there’s food on the floor.
He’s worried now and heads up the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys and piles of clothes. He’s worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels, spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere. He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom. There he finds Fay.
She’s curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, “How did your day go, darling?”
Max looks at her bewildered and asks, “What happened here today, Fay?”
She again smiles, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes,” he replies.
“Well,” says Fay, “today I didn’t do it.”
A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.
The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Jewish man replied: “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
A Chinese businessman operating out of south China suffers a string of robberies. He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever had a problem with robberies.
“Not really,” replies the Israeli. “We have this thing we put on the doorpost called a mezuzah and it protects our homes from harm.”
“Send me one,” begs the Chinese guy, “I’m desperate for a solution.”
A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He calls up his Chinese friend. “Nu,” he asks him. “The mezuzah didn’t work? You were robbed again?”
“No, no,” the Chinese guy assures him, “no robberies.”
“So why did you send it back?”
The Chinese guy sighs. “I dunno,” he says. “Ever since I hung it up, the doorbell doesn’t stop ringing. Each time a different man standing there, saying the same thing: ‘Tzedakah please!'”
The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.
“Mrs. Goldberg,” said one of the ladies. “I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them.”
“You ate five,” responded Mrs. Goldberg. “But who’s counting?”
An old Jew lives in an apartment building in an otherwise Catholic neighborhood where all adhere to the restriction of eating only fish on Fridays. Every Friday afternoon, however, the Jew bakes chicken for his Shabbos meal.
The tantalizing aroma week after week is too much for his Catholic neighbors. They convince the local priest to deliver an ultimatum to the Jew: either he convert to Catholicism and eat only fish on Fridays, or he has to move. The Jew agrees to convert. Three times the priest sprinkles holy water on him declaring: “Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.”
The ex-Jew’s first Friday night as a Catholic comes around — and the perfume of baking chicken wafts through the neighborhood. A neighborhood mob charges into the old man’s apartment demanding,
“What’s with the chicken? You’re a Catholic now!”
He says, pointing to the roaster on the table, “That’s no chicken; that’s a fish.”
“Who are you kidding!” they protest. “It’s a chicken!”
The ex-Jew walks over to the sink, wets his hands, approaches the table and sprinkles the chicken three times, saying, “Born a chicken, raised a chicken, now a fish!”
The pauper devours everything he is given except the black bread. “The challah was wonderful,” he says. “Do you have any more?”
“My dear man,” says Mrs. Epstein, “we have plenty of black bread, but challah is very expensive.”
“I know,” says the pauper. “But believe me lady, it’s worth it!”
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