Jokes

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  • #1201211
    smartcookie
    Member

    Baron- do you mind spelling out your words instead of using text language. It’s very hard to read.

    #1201212

    a string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. the bartender says “i can’t give you a drink- ur just a string!” insulted, the string storms out of the store, ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back into the bar. again, he asks the bartender for a drink. the bartender asks “aren’t you the string that walked in here a few minutes ago?” to which the string replies “I’M A FRAYED KNOT!!!”

    #1201213
    Sister Bear
    Member

    Mexico had a really bad earthquake and 2 million Mexicans died. Many countries sent over support. France sent over people to help rebuild the cities. Spain sent over doctors to attend to the wounded. All different countries were sending help.

    Not to be outdone, America sent over 2 million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

    #1201214
    baron fritz
    Participant

    oh sorry smartcookie heres one

    Aryeh and Devora, a young religious couple, were expecting their first baby. Devora went into labor on shabbos so they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital. Because Aryeh wanted to minimize the shabbos violation, he told the controller that he cannot have a Jewish driver.

    The taxi quickly arrived, but when Aryeh and Devora were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two way radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?”

    #1201215
    d a
    Member

    Sister Bear, I like that idea!

    #1201216
    smartcookie
    Member

    Baron:

    Thanks! Much better! But that applies to all threads please…

    #1201217
    baron fritz
    Participant

    oh alright ill try just for you ๐Ÿ™‚

    #1201218
    Imanonov
    Participant

    A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    ‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said.

    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’

    The man agreed and told her that the paintbrushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

    The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’

    The wife replied, ‘you’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.’

    Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    ‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.

    ‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her, along with a ten dollar tip.

    ‘And by the way,’ the blonde added, ‘it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.

    #1201219
    blinky
    Participant

    imanonov- Good one!!!

    #1201220
    bombmaniac
    Participant

    there were 404 posts when i posted this. olol geeky ๐Ÿ™‚

    #1201221
    Sister Bear
    Member

    Imanonov – hey a smart blond for once lol (even if it wasn’t intended that way :)) Good one!!!

    #1201222
    minyan gal
    Member

    This may have been posted before, but….. it is the season.

    On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.

    Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:

    For ordinary sins

    White Bread

    For particularly dark sins

    Pumpernickel

    For complex sins

    Multi-Grain

    For twisted sins

    Pretzels

    For tasteless sins

    Rice Cakes

    For sins of indecision

    Waffles

    For sins committed in haste

    Matzoh

    For sins of chutzpah

    Fresh Bread

    For substance abuse

    Stoned Wheat

    For use of heavy drugs

    Poppy Seed

    For petty larceny

    Stollen

    For committing auto theft

    Caraway

    For timidity/cowardice

    Milk Toast

    For ill-temperedness

    Sourdough

    For silliness, eccentricity

    Nut Bread

    For not giving full value

    Shortbread

    For jingoism, chauvinism

    Yankee Doodles

    For excessive irony

    Rye Bread

    For unnecessary chances

    Hero Bread

    For telling bad jokes/puns

    Corn Bread

    For war-mongering

    Kaiser Rolls

    For dressing immodestly

    Tarts

    For causing injury to others

    Tortes

    For racist attitudes

    Crackers

    For sophisticated racism

    Ritz Crackers

    For being holier than thou

    Bagels

    For abrasiveness

    Grits

    For dropping in without notice

    Popovers

    For over-eating

    Stuffing

    For impetuosity

    Quick Bread

    For raising your voice too often

    Challah

    For pride and egotism

    Puff Pastry

    For being overly smothering

    Angel Food Cake

    For laziness

    Any long loaf

    For trashing the environment

    Dumplings

    For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Taslich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish bookstore.

    #1201223
    blinky
    Participant

    Minyan- Adorable!

    P.s. how are you recovering from your surgery?

    #1201224
    minyan gal
    Member

    Thanks for asking Blinky. I am doing very well. I even made it to shul on Saturday and it was wonderful to be back as I hadn’t been for 2 weeks (one week was at a Bar Mitzvah at a different shul and one week I was in hospital). I used my walker to ascend the ramp on the bimah ro recite Birkat HaGomel. My fellow congregants have been amazing to me – there has been a procession of visitors bearing food and flowers and the phone rings a lot. I am truly blessed – and takeh, all of this began when I began attending shul regularly just over 2 years ago. Have an easy fast.

    #1201225
    blinky
    Participant

    Wow! Baruch Hashem! Thank you you too ๐Ÿ™‚

    #1201226
    cb1
    Member

    A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend the Chabad House in a small town, even though none of them understood French.

    They weren’t the most usual shul goers, even at home, and it was even harder

    to follow the service in a foreign language, so they decided to stand and

    sit when the rest of the congregation did.

    At one point, the Rabbi spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so

    they got up too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

    After the service they approached the Shliach, who spoke English, and asked

    him what had been so funny. The Rabbi said he had announced a birth and

    asked the father to stand up.

    #1201229
    Imanonov
    Participant

    “Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?”

    “Mrs. Goldberg please.”

    “Mrs. Goyeldberg is gegangen shoppink to dem supermarket.”

    “Is Mr. Goldberg there?”

    “Oy, dis time of de day? Mister Goyeldberg is voikink.”

    “Is Thelma at home?”

    “How about Harry, is he home ?”

    “Herry’s in de colletch of medicine . Soon he should be a dokter, kaynahoreh”

    ” Ok I see. Tell me then You must be Mrs Goldberg’s mother?”

    “So, then may I ask to whom I am speaking?”

    “Dis is Emily, de shvartze.”

    #1201230
    blinky
    Participant

    Imanonov- For some reason I always crack up by your jokes!

    #1201231
    eclipse
    Member

    Due to a financial crisis,the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily cut off.

    #1201232
    smartcookie
    Member

    Let’s compromise:

    You make ground zero into a mosque, and well make some mosques into a ground zero.

    #1201233
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Thank you Blinky. I’ll try and keep up the good work.

    Eclipse, your input reminds me of the following poster I once saw:

    Out of the gloom a voice came to me and said:

    “Smile, things could be worse”

    So, I smiled, and behold,

    Things did get worse!

    #1201234
    Horrified
    Participant

    there was a powercut in a shopping centre in East Jerusalem last week.

    12 Arabs were stuck on a esculator for over 5 hours untill the power was restored!

    #1201235
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Ahmed drove through red light and Moshe drove straight into the side of his car, causing a big dent. Ahmed was furious but Moshe calmed him down and said: “listen, all you have to do is blow hard into the exhaust, and the dent will pop back in place”.

    Ahmed liked the idea and started blowing with all his might.

    After a few minutes Mohamed came past and started laughing loud. “What’s so funny?” demanded Ahmed.

    “You are wasting your breath” replied Mohamed, “you allow all the air to escape, as you left your windows open”!

    #1201236
    Horrified
    Participant

    Notice on toilet door; ‘toilet out of order please use floor below!

    Notice in launderete; ‘please remove all your clothes when the light goes out!

    Notice at entrance to sefari park; ‘Elephants stay in you car!

    Notice in farmers field; public footpath, walkers may cross for free, but the bull may charge!

    #1201238
    Horrified
    Participant

    just as i work out how to make end meet, the end moves…

    #1201239
    Horrified
    Participant

    what do you call an egged bus’s shock absorbers?

    Passengers!

    #1201240
    Horrified
    Participant

    Financial problems in japan;

    following the problems in the financial sector in the usa and uk, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

    In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded,

    Summo Bank has gone belly up,

    Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches,

    Yesterday it was announced that Karoke Bank is up for sale and and will likely be in for a song,

    while today shares in Kamikazi Bank were suspended after they nosedived,

    While Samuri Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,

    Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit but they remain in the black.

    Furthermore 500 staff in Karate Bank got the chop,

    and analysts report that something fishy is going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff will get a raw deal!

    #1201241
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Paraprosdokians

    A paraprosdokian (from Greek,” meaning “beyond” and “expectation”) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

    Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a syllepsis:

    * I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    * Going to shul doesn’t make you a tzadik any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    * The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

    * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    * If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

    * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    * War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

    * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    * The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    * Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

    * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    * Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    * Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    * I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

    * A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

    * Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

    * I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    * Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?

    * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    * You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    * The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    * Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

    * A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

    * Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

    * Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    * Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    * I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

    * I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

    * When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    * You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

    * To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    * Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

    * Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    * A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    #1201242
    smartcookie
    Member

    How do I know that sukkas is over?

    Yesterday my little kid brought a cookie into the bedroom and my wife yelled CHOMETZ!!!!

    #1201243
    Sister Bear
    Member

    Imanonov – those are all hysterical!!! I’m ROTFL!!!

    smartcookie – lol in most houses that happens right after Pesach ๐Ÿ˜‰

    #1201244
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Research studies have shown that 5 out of 6 people enjoy russian roulette

    #1201245
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Hy and Selma Epstein were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor and get checked out. The doctor told them that they were physically just fine but might want to start writing notes to help them remember things. The Epsteins thanked the doctor and left.

    Later that night while watching TV, Hy got up from his chair and Selma asked, “Where are you going?”

    “To the kitchen.”

    “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” Selma asked.

    “Sure.”

    “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

    “No, I can remember that.”

    Selma added, “I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.”

    Hy replied, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

    “I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

    With irritation in his voice, Hy said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumed into the kitchen.

    After about 20 minutes Hy returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of gefilte fish.

    Selma stared at the plate for a moment and said, “You forgot my toast.”

    #1201246
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    At a packed conference, a womens lib speaker was thundering about her cause. And do you know where would man be today were it not for women she shouted? From the back of the hall, old Abe Cohen called back he’d still be eating fruit in the garden of eden…

    #1201247

    imanonov and shticky guy good ones, i just hope i won’t forget not to tell my wife ๐Ÿ˜‰

    #1201248
    Imanonov
    Participant

    mbachur, here is another one not to tell your wife:

    Jewish Joke of the Year!

    Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

    #1201249
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A blonde and a brunette worked in the same office. The brunette wanted the day off, so she told the blonde that when the boss comes in she would get him to send her home. Sure enough when the boss came in, the brunette hung upside down from the ceiling and began making strange noises. What are you doing up there asked the boss. Why I’m a lightbulb she said. The boss said I think you’re overworking. Go home and rest. So she climbed down and went home. Suddenely, the blonde began walking out. Where are you going asked the boss? Well, she said, you cant expect me to work in the dark!

    #1201250
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Not a joke- it really happened.

    I was walking to shul with some of my brothers one Shabbos when a car came driving a little too fast, ran a red and slammed into another car. A lot of Frum people ran over to make sure everyone was OK.

    The car that was hit was driven by a middle aged man with his wife. He had some Anti-Semitic stuff to say and told us to get away.

    The car that ran the red was driven by a young, quick talking guy. He said he felt alright but asked if we could wait there with him until help arrived. The whole time he was thanking us for our time and letting us know how much he appreciated us setting aside our differences of religious beliefs and political opinions…

    Finally the cops came and asked him what happened.

    “I was driving along, maybe I was going a little faster than I normally would since the streets were empty, but then that guy ran a red and I hit him. Look- I have 15 witnesses who saw what happened…”

    #1201251
    squeak
    Participant

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    but finish the story

    #1201252
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Sometimes it’s just better to leave the end of the story to your imagination.

    #1201253
    squeak
    Participant

    Or you can post the ending on the Kiddush Hashem thread as a completely separate story. Only the mathematicians here will be able to put 1 and 1 together (this subset excludes me).

    #1201254
    Dr. Pepper
    Participant

    Squeak-

    I didn’t stick around to give a report, I had to daven.

    Assuming that what you think happened is what actually happened- does that belong in a Kiddush Hashem thread?

    #1201255
    squeak
    Participant

    No.

    #1201256
    squeak
    Participant

    Mr 80- by any chance, could you enclose the link you posted in General Schmooze 3 in code so that it doesn’t mess up the page? TIA, and please delete this post upon reading.

    #1201257

    how do i do that again?

    i think it didnt work last time

    #1201258
    squeak
    Participant

    Pretend this is your link: http://www.theYWN.com

    In front of it, type <a href="

    and after it, type "> LINK</a>

    TIA again

    #1201259
    d a
    Member

    Define TIA . . .

    #1201260
    myfriend
    Member

    Thanks in advance.

    #1201261
    baron fritz
    Participant

    here’s a funny one:Moishe Goldstein – the big boss at his company – was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

    “I’m the Boss!”

    He then taped it to his office door.

    Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

    “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

    #1201262
    baron fritz
    Participant

    and this one:Sam was out shopping at the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

    “So what have you just purchased Abe?” Sam asks.

    “So what did you get her?” Sam asks.

    Abe replies, smiling, “I bought her a pack of cards.”

    #1201263
    SmartTeen
    Member

    Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left. “Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines. “An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry … we still have one engine left. “A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

    A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. “235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond’s friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”

    Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, “You’re kidnapped, so be quiet and don’t give me any trouble.” The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads: I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else. She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads: Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

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