November 22, 2011 3:27 pm at 3:27 pm #600755HAPPY2BALIVEMember
Hello to everyone in the YWN coffee room. I need chizzuk!!! i am a few years in the shidduch line and nothing is happening. I know hashem is the one in charge. it’s just that all my friends are married and i am lonely and by myself! i feel like i can’t anymore…. and also.. the older i get the more negative i get that who will want me as an old mate? can anyone give me any advise on keeping myself happy?? and segullah? tefillah?? Thank You!!November 22, 2011 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #888436soliekMember
“H-a-s-h-e-m H-e-l-p M-e F-i-n-d A S-h-i-d-d-u-c-h-!-!”
well right there is your problemNovember 22, 2011 3:46 pm at 3:46 pm #888437MichaelCMember
Rav Shach said that the prayer in Shabbos Shacharis Shemonei Esrei called ?????? ?????, is where you should pray for your Shidduch, as marriage is called ???November 22, 2011 3:51 pm at 3:51 pm #888438Sam2Participant
I find that very hard to believe as we do not make personal Bakashos on Shabbos.November 22, 2011 4:42 pm at 4:42 pm #888439
first of all its Old Maid (and you dont sound very old)
second, all you are going to get here is plattitudes and “magic tricks”
third, your best bet is to be as proactive as possible (yes that includes davening but you need to get out there and do your hishtadlus as well)November 22, 2011 4:57 pm at 4:57 pm #888440BTGuyParticipant
You will find the one for you. And may it be soon, BE”H.November 22, 2011 5:01 pm at 5:01 pm #888441November 22, 2011 5:07 pm at 5:07 pm #888442littleappleMember
Work on yourself to make yourself well fit for marriage and when you truly are, your shidduch will materialize, be’H very soon. One important area: koach ha veetoor- ability to give inNovember 22, 2011 5:26 pm at 5:26 pm #888443a maminParticipant
Wishing you find everything you are looking for mamash bekorov!!November 22, 2011 5:29 pm at 5:29 pm #888444SilentOneMember
I feel very much for your Tzoro which undoubtedly is very poignant and profoundly impacts your daily quality of life. I unfortunately do not know any Segulah (although I have been told that people do go to Kivrei Tzaddikim in Eretz Yisroel to Daven for a Yeshuah from this Tzoro). I wrote a “A “prayer” for a soul searching for his/her Zivug” and posted it in the YWN CR at:
Obviously, I cannot claim that this “prayer” has any power since I am a simple person who has little merit (and probably many sins), so it is not at all anything like a real Tefilla formulated by a Tzaddik. But, perhaps when you read this, it will resonate with you and give you a little Nechoma. My real hope is that by reading it, it will stir in the reader deep emotions and prompt him/her to Daven (e.g. Tehillim or even his/her own self-composed Tefilla) with his/her full emotional being (as Chana did when she was Mispallel for a son), which will have the power to break through the gates of Shomayim. I do hope that you will post back and tell us if this “prayer” resonated with you.November 22, 2011 6:55 pm at 6:55 pm #888445ronrsrMember
Lower your standards, that’s the trick.
According to the sage, Ann Landers, there is a match for everyone, if you set your sights low enough.November 22, 2011 8:52 pm at 8:52 pm #888446SilentOneMember
To say that your problems are self-imposed, i.e. that you have set your standards too high (as “ronrsr” psoted above), is blaming the victim – to make you feel guilty on top of your already low feelings. I would say to definitely ignore such advice. Rather, I believe you should concentrate on ways to increase your emotional devotion in Tefilla (it may already be high, but always can improve) and doing acts of Tzedaka and Chesed that will increase your Zechusim. I know someone who had a “miracle child” born after he worked very hard to continously do acts of Kiddush Hashem over a period of time – not big acts – just small things such as helping people “Shlep” their bags from the store, holding doors open, going out of the way to show honesty in money matters openly etc.- to show people how wonderful a Yid behaves – and after each act of Kiddush Hashem, he was Mispallel (in one sentence in English) that the merit of the act of Kiddush Hashem should lead to having a child. It worked.
It was said about Rav Schwab ZT”L that when he found some money on the floor in a train station, he told his son that he (Rav Schwab) will return the money to the token booth clerk (although Al Pi Halacha, he could keep it) and he would “put his beard in the window” of the token booth to show the clerk how a Yid acts honestly. I think doing such acts of Kiddush Hashem are a very big Zechus and after each such act, you should ask Hashem in your own language that in the Zechus of this act, He should bring your Shidduch to you soon (but don’t take it from me alone; ask your Rov if this sounds like a good idea). Don’t be afraid to “talk to” Hashem and explain in your own words how desperate you feel and how much it would mean to you (and how much more complete your Avodas Hashem would be) to find your Shidduch. Of course Hashem already knows your feelings and needs, but our Avodah of Tefilla requires that we express this in words to Hashem. If you want to post your matrilineal name, I will be happy to Daven for you. May you be Zoche to find your intended Shidduch very soon in a most pleasant and happy way!November 23, 2011 5:20 am at 5:20 am #888447WIYMember
Listen you cant believe the garbage that everyone says. Its so irrational. Explain this to me, a girl when she is single at 23-24 is considered older getting older whatever and yet if she were married she would be called young?! A 23-24 year old is not OLD by any standard.
You have to recognize that the system is flawed and we have come to a point where we convinced ourselves that all girls have to be married by 20 and as the years of the low 20’s pass they are somehow worth less or not as good or whatever. Its terrible what has been allowed to happen but you have to recognize its a lie. You arent old. Being in the low 20s and single happens to be a situation you are in but your lack of finding a match yet is most likely not because of anything you did or didnt do. The system is flawed and that just means that we cant put faith in the system. You have to turn to Hashem wholeheartedly. At the same time realize that as a single, you have opportunities that married people dont have. You have the time to advance your degree/career. Do Chessed, learn Torah…Theres so much you can do. Get active, get busy.November 23, 2011 2:22 pm at 2:22 pm #888448enlightenedjewMember
Donate to kupat hair. You’ll get a shidduch – guaranteed!November 23, 2011 3:08 pm at 3:08 pm #888449WIYMember
LOLNovember 23, 2011 3:34 pm at 3:34 pm #888450
Yup I was right, so far nothing but plattitudes and “magic tricks”November 23, 2011 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #888451HAPPY2BALIVEMember
SilentOne,WIY and all the rest who posted! Thanks for your warm words! I was soo depressed yesterday. But after reading all that you guys wrote. My spirit came up!!! i know hashem will help me!!! Thanks again! in this zchus may you all get helped in whatever you need. As i am looking forward to let you know when the right time comes for me!!!! thanks!!!!!!!!!!! know it meant a lot! some times you can help a person online! 😉November 23, 2011 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #888452enlightenedjewMember
cleverjewishpun, sarcasm…July 20, 2012 6:04 am at 6:04 am #888453
Happy, I am posting this long after your request. I hope it’s not needed. In that case, let every girl perhaps gain from my message. I married off a daughter at age 27. Believe me, she had every requirement, and is a delightful person. I have been working hard to help others. My son is now in the dating stage, and since he was born into the right gender by a chromosome, there are resumes. I find it really shocking to see that each lovely girl has an agenda that she feels is absolutely reasonable. We are not living in the age of reason !!! Things are out of control !! Only the absolute essentials should figure into the search today.
One savvy older shadchan told me something I immediately recognised as true. The ones who get married are the ones who REALLY want to be married.
Object matrimony, dorim yesharim, grow a beautiful family.
Lower all expectations, and marry a truly good man. Be happy.July 20, 2012 2:37 pm at 2:37 pm #888455
dorafelder – What is that supposed to mean “The ones who get married are the ones who REALLY want to be married.” You’re telling me that your daughter who got married at 27 didn’t want to get married before that? I know plenty of people who “REALLY want to be married” who are not. Can you please explain that?July 20, 2012 4:35 pm at 4:35 pm #888456myls87Member
I have found the greatest segula for marriage……DATING!! We need to lower our standards and marry people for the good person they are and stop focusing on minor things which we blow up into deal breakers.July 20, 2012 5:01 pm at 5:01 pm #888457
I mean when someone makes their mind up that it’s do or die, they will open their vistas. Yes, this is exactly what happened with my daughter. She is married to someone who would not have made it into even the outer orbit of her radar years earlier.
Every girl and her mother swears she is looking for ‘only the essential’ attributes or demographic she needs. But 50-60 years ago, when there were limited numbers of frum people to marry in any locality, any viable option was a good option. We are all guilty of a candy store mentality today. I know I’m a hypocrite, as I had my druthers, too, regarding my daughter. We figure there’s always SOMEBODY to go out with. More fish in the sea. Go for broke. Get the deal you want. Don’t ‘settle’. Hog wash.July 20, 2012 5:30 pm at 5:30 pm #888458golferParticipant
Wow dorafelder! You are one brave lady! You had the courage & good sense to say what needs to be said to singles- guys & girls, whatever age. The fact that you speak from experience makes it even more effective.
I wonder, months later, how many shidduchim have been made by that controversial group of people taking thousands of dollars in deposits to set up older girls. Anybody know if they are claiming success?
Putting you on the lecture circuit might be a lot more effective.
And to HAPPY – wishing you much Hatzlacha!
It can’t hurt to take some advice from a nice lady like Dora; but know that ultimately it’s not in our hands & the yeshua can come unexpectedly any day. Hopefully soon!July 20, 2012 6:05 pm at 6:05 pm #888459princess17Member
silent one: amazing prayer!! did u find ur zivug yet?if not- hashem should help u find ur zivug asap! and of course the same bracha goes to happy.. the persone who started this thread!July 20, 2012 9:58 pm at 9:58 pm #888460princess17Member
silent one: amazing prayer!! did u find ur zivug yet?if not- hashem should help u find ur zivug asap! and of course the same bracha goes to happy.. the person who started this thread!July 22, 2012 2:26 am at 2:26 am #888461147Participant
enlightenedjew:- Donate to kupat hair. You’ll get a shidduch – guaranteed!
How can you enlightenedjew guarantee? Are you a Novi? or future teller? or fortune teller?
But just in case “enlightenedjew’s guarantee” doesn’t work out despite a “Guarantee”, then how about:- Go to Amukah? and then get onto the computer & register onto Frumster & Orthodate?July 22, 2012 3:52 am at 3:52 am #888462interjectionParticipant
dorafelder: “The ones who get married are the ones who REALLY want to be married.”
NOT true! I was not looking to get married. I was hoping to push off dating for at least a few months, but with incessant bugging from my bubby, I finally went out with the one guy in the world who is perfect for me. I did not believe in bashert and I love hanging with my girl friends so I would have been content staying single, had I not met him.
A person gets married when G-d wants them to get married and wanting it more or less will not make it happen sooner.July 22, 2012 3:58 am at 3:58 am #888463147Participant
FYI interjection, let’s rephrase dorafelder’s assertion, and then you shall both be on the same page:-
When you are ready to settle, you shall settle, just as we are all ready to settle for that Esrog by Tishri 14th, even though we weren’t prepared to settle for that same Esrog a few days earlier.
Apply that same train of thought that imbues you to settle for that Esrog by Tishri 14th, to settle for that spouse.July 22, 2012 4:43 am at 4:43 am #888464interjectionParticipant
147: You are right. Something about the word ‘settle’ puts me off. It’s more about being realistic with what really counts but you say truth!July 22, 2012 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #888465
dora felder, i totally disagree. postsem is right. i know sooooo many girls who dream of getting married, and have been dreaming it for years, and they are older singles (and by older i mean 26- early/mid thirties. and in fact, my family was just talking about one particular single on shabbos, who really really wants to get married and she’s almost 40.) how dare you say such a thing! and that girls should lower their expectations? if your daughter will only agree to tall, dark, handsome and rich, then yes, i would say she has to lower her expectations. but come on! every girl was made differently, with different emotional needs and different physical needs… how would you like to know that the girl who eventually marries your son, actually settled for him. “yeah ur son really isn’t good enough, but its the best i could get. oh well” IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR SON?????????????? i don’t understand how you could say all this.July 22, 2012 10:16 pm at 10:16 pm #888466
yummy cupcake- have u ever read the book “Dating Secrets” aka “Shidduch Secrets”? There’s more than one section that addresses this, the most relevant about those who want to get married but subconsciously are avoiding it, be from fear, commitment issues, underlying issues, close-mindednes…. Its a very good book for all, and explains dorafelder’s idea but maybe more clearly, with examples and such. I highly recommend itJuly 22, 2012 11:01 pm at 11:01 pm #888467mom12Participant
Happy28- are u still around?
How can I get more details as to what u are about..July 22, 2012 11:48 pm at 11:48 pm #888468
yes, saysme, i read it more than once.July 23, 2012 12:07 am at 12:07 am #888469
so doesnt that explain dora’s msg, about ‘wanting’ to get married? replace ‘lower expectations’ with prioritizing and dropping the unessential demands?July 23, 2012 12:44 am at 12:44 am #888470
Thank you SaysMe. You said it better. What you said is what I meant to say.July 23, 2012 1:35 am at 1:35 am #888471
well, says me, according to dorafelder “Only the absolute essentials should figure into the search today.” which means, we will all be looking for the exact same boy. good middos, general health, responsibility, balance… aren’t we all looking for the absolute essentials? are we all carbon copies of each other????? no, Hashem made us each unique, with different “agendas” as df so eloquently put it. that’s right. we do have different ways of reaching our ultimate goal of serving Hashem in the best way possible. but if Hashem wanted us all to be carbon copies of each other, He would have made us that way. so i still don’t get ur point. keep trying.July 23, 2012 2:24 am at 2:24 am #888472
wasnt trying to push a point. sry if i came across agressively. Just to say that though I also read the post like you did, i realized if you dont read it word for word, literally, but look for the general msg, its the same as the books. I still strongly disagree with some things she wrote (nothing personal dora, just have a diff view on it) but i understand the overall idea as to not be nitpicky about the extraneous demands we need, and to prioritize and then be happy to stretch, which is what marriage is about i think….July 23, 2012 4:53 am at 4:53 am #888473
thanks Yummy for sticking up for me. I was beginning to think I was the only sane one around here. oh btw nice to see you on Shabbos.July 23, 2012 12:33 pm at 12:33 pm #888474gefenParticipant
dorafelder: “The ones who get married are the ones who REALLY want to be married.” PLEASE – you can’t be serious!
I speak from experience. I was an “older” single. Are you going to tell me I did not REALLY want to get married? Well if you are saying that, YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG!!! It’s all up to Hashem. B”H I finally did get married and now 22 years later, I have a daughter in the parsha and hope she finds her bashert soon – and so does she. BTW – she does not have unrealistic expectations.
postsemgirl: I’m with you. Don’t worry about all those who think they know what’s going on inside your head. I’m amazed at how many “experts” are out there who can tell you exactly what you are thinking, feeling, and REALLY want.
To the others: I’m not saying there aren’t those who have very high and unrealistic expectations or who are afraid of commitment. Of course there are, but don’t make generalizations about everyone who is still single. Yes there have been stories of those who passed up on their bashert. But that’s not the majority- or even close.July 23, 2012 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #888475
saysme: sorry- you are not coming across as aggressive, i just get annoyed when people make (incorrect) generalizations. its not like df really knows whats going on in the minds of all older singles, or even the younger ones for that matter. according to what she is saying, the first guy we go out with should be the one as long as all of the “absolute essentials” are met. does this make sense??? NO! and how does she think she know that the unmarrieds “really don’t wanna be married”????? i don’t think that’s the way it works-at least in my circles. maybe df is talking about different circles, in which case i would understand that if someone is in college, and is having the time of her life partying with all her friends… yeah, then maybe she doesn’t want to get married yet. maybe she wants to get in all her fun,then settle, ya know, finish college, get a good job… sorry, but that’s not how it works in my circles. maybe that’s what df means, and i didnt understand that.
postsem: dw- i wouldn’t let you face this alone (oooh- doesnt that sound dramatic…) me and gefen will back you up!July 23, 2012 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #888476
Thanks Gefen. I hope your daughter finds her bashert quickly!July 23, 2012 9:40 pm at 9:40 pm #888478
thanks postsem, i also hope gefen’s daughter finds her bashert soon! 🙂 and so should you!
and it was nice seeing you in shul too. its funny, cuz i always wanna say something to you in shul pertaining to the cr, but then i chicken out, which is weird, cuz i know you know who i am, and i know you know that i know who you are (whoa that was a mouthful), but if there are ppl around, i don’t wanna just come over and say “hey postsem”- i think that’d be a little funny…July 23, 2012 10:19 pm at 10:19 pm #888479phrumMember
Dance on Tu b’Av.
Be open to those HaShem brings to you through hashgacha pratis.
Be a hopeful romantic.
Allow yourself to fall in love.
(and it’s alright.)July 23, 2012 10:56 pm at 10:56 pm #888481gefenParticipant
yummy – I didn’t see u or postsem in shul. Oh wait. That’s cuz i wasn’t there. 😉 So when I see you and you see her and we all see each other, we’ll all say hi. We’ll make up a special cr greeting.July 24, 2012 12:16 am at 12:16 am #888482
I think I will be seeing both of you (gefen and yummy) on tisha b’av but I don’t think that’s a good time to have a cr reunion.
But it does make me smile when I see you!July 24, 2012 12:52 am at 12:52 am #888483
oh good postsem, you had to mention that so on tisha b’av we’ll all be rolling…July 24, 2012 2:56 am at 2:56 am #888484
OK,girlchiks. I know you were waiting for me to show up again, so you could lynch me. I couldn’t keep my fans waiting any longer. My goal was to make a point and engender discussion. I got indignation (understandable, but no apologies-I care too much) and improved exposition (thank you).
Ready for the next dose of Dora’s Free Advice (and worth every penny)?
Keep in mind, Yummy, that I work hard at trying to help girls find someone, and I don’t take money. I may have some serious chutzpa, but I am not inherently evil. Honest.
Anyways, I also want to bring your attention to another psychological phenomenon, that is an amazingly frequent impairment to making realistic choices. I bring an example, and say no more.
Me: I know a man your age (33). I know him personally. He has a golden heart, and a girl would have to be a barbarian not to be happy with him. A big mensch.
Girl: What does he do?
Me: Construction work.
Girl: Is he smart. (She’s not particularly a brainy girl BTW)
Me: Average or higher
Girl: I don’t know. (kvech, sigh, kvech). You know, my father is a very smart man.
Me: Isn’t he married?July 24, 2012 3:59 pm at 3:59 pm #888485
df, i don’t think ur evil, just maybe not 100% correct, and definitely not a mind reader. and i don’t get ur story. could you please explain? did she like the fact that he was average or higher or was that not good enough? does she look up to her father for his smarts? please clarify. i don’t understand.July 24, 2012 4:57 pm at 4:57 pm #888486
Sorry, Yummy, I thought my message was more clear. I meant that sometimes a girl (unconsciously?) makes comparisons between the guy and her father. There’s no real logic to it, because who said that her father, as a person, would have been the right man for her, if she met him in the street (30 years younger). But there is a very strong inclination to want the guy to measure up to her father’s image. We tend to retain the little girl’s admiration of our fathers. Our mothers could set us straight on all his short-comings, but they let us love our fathers with starry eyes. Probably a good thing. Thanks about the not evil part.July 24, 2012 7:47 pm at 7:47 pm #888487
I am not married because:
A: I don’t really want to be married
B: I really want to marry my father and I can’t find anyone like him so I chose to be alone.
Got it thanks dorafelder
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