How do you actually forgive someone?

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  • This topic has 19 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by loca.
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  • #607690
    WIY
    Member

    Lets say someone did something wrong to you and you choose to forgive them but it doesn’t work. Now what? Meaning you can say I forgive and you can sincerely want to forgive the person but all the pain is still there and you still have that heavy feeling in your heart. How do you change that and make the pain go away?

    #917544
    kingdavid
    Participant

    Time will heal the pain.

    But remember that it was not that person that did it. It was Hashem that sent him as a messenger.. that should help the healing process.

    #917545
    yytz
    Participant

    That sounds like a hard situation — sorry to hear about it. Here are a couple ideas.

    Rav Shalom Arush, in his recent book Garden of Gratitude, explains that we should thank Hashem for all the events in our lives, positive and negative, and pray at length to understand that everything is truly for the good and from Hashem and thus we have nothing to be angry or upset about. I highly recommend the sefer, which explains in depth why and how we should do this.

    Rebbe Nachman, in one of his seforim (I think Sichos HaRan), also mentions the concept of “talking” to one’s body parts. If you have a heavy feeling in your heart, you can repeatedly “talk” to that region of your body, and ask Hashem to feel relaxed and at peace at that part of your body. Secular people commonly do relaxation exercises based on relaxing a certain part of the body. It may not always help for emotional things, but I think it could potentially help at least a little. Many chassidic and hashkafic sources talk about the life energy pulsating through our bodies, and it is easy to understand how this “energy” may get blocked or disturbed by physical or emotional causes and need to be cleared somehow.

    #917546
    🐵 ⌨ Gamanit
    Participant

    You don’t have to let go of the pain in order to forgive someone. The pain can stay, as long as you don’t wish bad to happen to the person who caused it to you.

    #917547
    greatest
    Member

    Once you forgave someone eyou cannot later unforgive him when you realize that you still are pained by the incident.

    #917548
    welldressed007
    Participant

    Time heals all wounds, no guarantees but it usually does

    #917549
    TheGoq
    Participant

    Some people should not be forgiven, if they have no plans to change how they behave towards you they don’t deserve forgiveness.

    #917550
    hershi
    Member

    Goq: That sounds very bitter.

    #917551
    garymeyers
    Member

    Dear WIY,

    I am impressed with your good will, the fact that you want to forgive someone who caused you so much pain, is remarkable. You are obviously a special person. You can keep wanting to forgive and daven that Hashem help you come to the place where you can seperate the person from the action and forgive them for causing you pain.

    Hatzlacha to you!

    #917552
    TheGoq
    Participant

    Yes Hershi but if the people who have wronged you are not contrite and dont plan on changing their behavior then why do they deserve forgiveness?

    #917553
    MDG
    Participant

    Someone publicly embarrassed me in front of my family and friends. At that moment, I felt it was best to stay silent, and I still feel that responding at that moment would have just escalated their yelling insults. But the hurt stayed inside me. Although I tried time and again to release it from me, it took me ten years to forgive. B”H I can honestly say that now.

    WIY, while I cannot say that I know a good way to forgive, I think that keeping it inside won’t help. Speak with the person and ask “Why did you do this or that?”

    #917554
    hershi
    Member

    Does forgiveness require that you love or like the person as much as before he insulted or hurt you?

    #917555
    MorahRach
    Member

    I have been wanting to post about this for some time. Does anyone ever really 100% forgive someone who really wronged them? Sometimes I think that I am over something and that I can forgive someone ( one specific friend) and then when I see them again it all comes back and I battle with myself to let it go. I have spoken with them about it, and always think we got past it but I really haven’t.

    #917556
    loca
    Member

    Goq- They might not deserve ur forgiveness but you do. Forgiving and letting go of the resentment makes YOUR life better.

    WIY- U cant MAKE pain go away. It goes away with time. There are steps u can take to make it heal faster, but mainly u just have to hang in for the ride. And if u truly want to forgive, dont worry. You will eventually.

    #917557
    WIY
    Member

    Loca

    So if you want to forgive and want to let go of the resentment how do you do it. Its a reality that there’s a certain feeling in my heart now how do I get rid of it?

    Let me give you an example lets say someone or a few people made your summer in camp a miserable nightmare, they made you look really bad at every opportunity, ruined your stuff turned your friends against you and ruined your reputation….such a thing can create an ocean of hurt and take years to get over. Many people have suffered and carry the pain and hurt and even a grudge for life. How does one let go and release all of the pain and resentment and all the negative emotions that one has when thinking of the person/people and the occurrence?

    #917558
    Bless You
    Participant

    WIY,

    To forgive someone (who does not ask for forgiveness), you must be able to forget. To forget, you usually need a change of your situation (where you live, go to school, friends, etc). Another very helpful strategy is to talk to someone you trust (sibling, spouse, your child) about the situation you were in and discuss the facts of what happened, the people involved and their personalities. This should allow you to acknowledge/ accept what happened and move on.

    #917559
    🐵 ⌨ Gamanit
    Participant

    Bless You: Forgive and forget is not a jewish concept. What the person did to you can be as real to you and as painful as if it happened a minute ago. In order to be considered true forgiveness, you have to feel in your heart that you don’t want any bad to happen to that person for what he/she did to you. You have to let go of any thoughts of revenge, even from heaven. That’s true forgiveness.

    #917560
    simcha613
    Participant

    I agree with the Goq. It’s like if someone stole $100 from you and then asks for forgiveness but refuses to give the money back.

    #917561
    #917562
    loca
    Member

    WIY-

    Its definately a hard thing to work through and you need to give yourself alot of time. I think separating the pain u went through and the person who did it to you helps. When ur past the pain it helps. Feeling pity for the person who is so out of controll helps. Talking to the person (I know…) helps. Getting help helps.

    Gluck!

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