How to answer questions regarding a shidduch

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Viewing 34 posts - 101 through 134 (of 134 total)
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  • #1042604
    mishpachashu
    Member

    Popa says………

    #1042605
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Efshir, one letter more than usual?

    #1042606
    Torah613Torah
    Participant

    gefen: that’s why my way works.

    #1042607
    gefen
    Participant

    Daas- I don’t understand ur post to efshir. Can you explain or is it private? 😉 Or am i just slow? 🙁

    #1042608
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant
    #1042609
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Related to the OP, is it acceptable to refuse to answer questions from an anonymous caller?

    #1042610
    cinderella
    Member

    Related to the OP, is it acceptable to refuse to answer questions from an anonymous caller?

    Yes. I’ve done it. Not because I really care giving the information but lihachis.

    #1042611
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I would never call someone anonymously to ask shidduch questions.

    I’d just lie about who I was tee hee hee.

    Tee hee hee.

    Tee hee hee.

    Tee hee hee.

    Still tee hee heeing.

    #1042612
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    The reason I ask is because I just received an anonymous call about a girl for a shidduch, and I considered telling the guy I don’t answer anonymous calls, but I chickened out.

    As I suspected, he asked really dumb questions, such as, is she a size zero, is she very rich, does she drink pickle beer, and does she eat sufganiyot from the injection site.

    I answered, but said I need his phone number in case I think of something else.

    Then I did a reverse phone number search.

    Some goose farmer from Anchorage. Tee hee.

    #1042613
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Lol that was me. I always give out his number when people ask. Did you try calling? I wouldn’t…

    #1042614
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I did. I said I was calling back because I had a girl for you who was even richer. Instead of giving me your number, he went ahead and married her. Tee hee.

    #1042615
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Aha! You were that guy? He gave me HUGE shadchanus.

    20 gooses, and unlimited couch to crash on while ski bumming in Alaska.

    #1042617
    kapusta
    Participant

    gefen, I know you posted this a year plus ago but if you’re still reading and said girl is still single, you can simply avoid the question by saying that you don’t live in the same city so you(r daughter) would be the wrong one to answer the question. It’s certainly possible that her style of dress has changed since you’ve seen her so it might even be true… o.O

    *kapusta*

    #1042618
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Kapusta, do you assume that avoiding the question is the proper thing to do?

    #1042619
    Joseph
    Participant

    Why should she avoid giving truthful information about a potential shidduch if it is for tachlis purposes? If you asked about whether a boy that was proposed to you is a smoker would you appreciate if the party you had asked beat around the bush with you to avoid telling you that he’s a smoker? Hey, maybe he stopped smoking since the person last saw him light up…

    #1042620
    from Long Island
    Participant

    As someone with daughters and someone who has fielded shidduch calls. A few points.

    An adult should NEVER be calling a young adult for a “halachic verification” ONLY an educator or a Rav should receive such questions.

    I also, always started such conversations with, I will answer all yes/no questions to be best of my ability, but anything that involves my opinion, my hashkafa is irrelevant. Such was the advice I got from a Rav when my children entered the Parsha.

    Remember, anything open to interpretation, is JUST THAT – not fact.

    #1042621
    Randomex
    Member

    Related to the OP, is it acceptable to refuse to answer questions from an anonymous caller?

    Yes. I’ve done it. Not because I really care giving the information but lihachis.

    I hope the answerer was joking. I’m pretty sure that it’s not acceptable to do acceptable things for unacceptable reasons.

    As for the question, why would it matter if the asker wants to

    remain anonymous? (If you’re not comfortable with it, then the

    question becomes whether you have any obligation to talk to them.

    If you don’t, then let them play by your rules or not at all.)

    #1042622
    kapusta
    Participant

    I’m not a rav but I think it’s far better to avoid giving potential misinformation and living long distance, I don’t think she’s qualified to answer that question. Do you think its fair to base an opinion on three days?

    I’m certainly not condoning tight clothing or lying to a potential shidduch in any form, but for this specific question, I think its best directed (for all parties) to someone who sees her on a regular basis.

    Lior, its not the same. Smoking is often(?) an addiction and, in theory, possible to hide which is not possible with tznius.

    *kapusta*

    #1042623
    Joseph
    Participant

    The OP wasn’t ambiguous in her knowledge of how the potential shidduch dresses, so there was no concern about relating misinformation when she knew the answer. Her concern was how to address a question where the response would truthfully reflect negatively on the person. And in a case of a shidduch, it is tachlis for the other side to be aware of the truth prior to considering the potential match. That is my take on the situation as described.

    I don’t understand your point about hiding it. If asked, obviously the questioner is unaware of the situation which is why she asked about it.

    #1042624
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Kapusta, I hadn’t seen that at the bottom of page 2, gefen pointed out that this woman lived in a different city. It seems to me, though, that gefen didn’t assume that her wardrobe style had changed much; she seemed certain of how she dressed, just not how to relate it. She said they don’t see each other often (in the context of being a potential bad influence) but “not often” doesn’t mean never.

    It is possible to hide tznius issues, by dressing more conservatively on dates. It’s also not fair or wise to leave that issue for the boy to figure out on his own, it should be determined as best as possible before they meet.

    Incidentally, my friend remembers when he was in a dirah in Eretz Yisroel, and a shidduch call came in to Reuven, asking about Shimon. Shimon was present and in the middle of a cigarette when Reuven motioned to him that he was just asked if he smokes. Shimon immediately put out his cigarette, and Reuven promptly answered, “He used to smoke, but he quit”.

    #1042625
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Randomex, I find that the people who want anonymity are the ones who ask ridiculous questions.

    #1042626
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    Incidentally, my friend remembers when he was in a dirah in Eretz Yisroel, and a shidduch call came in to Reuven, asking about Shimon. Shimon was present and in the middle of a cigarette when Reuven motioned to him that he was just asked if he smokes. Shimon immediately put out his cigarette, and Reuven promptly answered, “He used to smoke, but he quit”.

    Yes, but you should include the end of the story when you tell that. Shimon, ( who is my brother), has never smoked a cigarette since then in the past 8 years even though he never even dated that girl.

    #1042627
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Mamash like R’ Yaakov and gebrokts!

    #1042628
    ivory
    Member

    I think it’s close to impossible to answer a shidduch question if you don’t know who you’re talking to. Except if its a very clear yes or no question.

    #1042629
    apushatayid
    Participant

    As a matter of policy I never answer questions that are asked by someone who refuses to identify themselves.

    #1042630
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    apy, how about people who give false identities. “Hello, this is Chani Goldstein from Flatbush. Can I ask you a few questions about yankeleh?”

    #1042631
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Popa, I give those people false information.

    #1042632
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    What do you tell the high school kids who are prank calling pretending to be asking shidduch questions?

    #1042633
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    I tell them “DY isn’t home, but here’s his cell phone number”. Then I give them yours.

    TH

    #1042634
    oomis
    Participant

    And in an nutshell, this is why I HATE this form of finding out information on prospective dates. Why don’t you just hire a detective and be done with it? While you’re at it, contact the BBB, “just in case” the person in question has had a run-in in shady business dealings. Also, the FBI might be able to help in the investigation.

    I really liked the way we met people in my day. Much less drama and much more pleasant dating, with less angst. And no one would DARE to ask what size dress a girl wore.

    #1042635
    popa_bar_abba
    Participant

    I’ve heard plenty of terrible dating stories from your day also.

    #1042636
    ☕ DaasYochid ☕
    Participant

    Oomis, you’re not merely comparing two different generations, you’re also comparing two different cultures, and possibly different communities with different values (or at least prioritization of values).

    To assume that an approach which may have been the best for a particular group in a particular era would also best serve a different group in a different era is too big of a stretch.

    #1042637
    kapusta
    Participant

    DY, it is possible to dress differently on dates, but if I can generalize, I would think a guy who asks about tznius is not looking for a girl where its a question and vice versa. It would be just as smart as a reference trying to “help” someone and lying about tznius/hashkafa level etc which is a horrible recipe for marriage.

    The story you mentioned involved lying (or very direct misleading) and I wouldn’t equate that with handing over a question to someone better equipped to answer it. I would certainly agree though that where one has concrete negative information Halachically allowed or required to say, a person should make sure the question is answered one way or another.

    *kapusta*

    #1042638
    Joseph
    Participant

    The OP in this case had concrete information on the subject asked about.

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