July 7, 2011 8:28 pm at 8:28 pm #597845
What should a person do when they are in so much pain that they feel like they will explode?
Also, how should one feel if they’ve been given a huge nisayon and feel like they have no tools to deal with it? (The standard answer to cry to Hashem is self-explanatory.)July 7, 2011 8:40 pm at 8:40 pm #784468Pac-ManMember
Davening with tears, there is no better answer.July 7, 2011 8:42 pm at 8:42 pm #784469adorableParticipant
what type of pain? emotional? physical? can you think about something good that will come from it?July 7, 2011 8:44 pm at 8:44 pm #784470
And if that’s been done numerous times and still the situation only gets worse….then what? Then you’re dealing with feelings of betrayal too…like i cried and prayed as I’m supposed to and why can’t I feel G-d’s hand holding onto me at my darkest hour?July 7, 2011 8:47 pm at 8:47 pm #784471
Adorable–EmotionalJuly 7, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #784472Busy As A BeeParticipant
Find a healthy outlet.
Everyone needs something to let all their life frustrations out..
Do you play an instrument/sing/dance/draw/write? etc etc etc.
Take one of these talents or things you like to do and make it into your outlet, that you can use it to diffuse your anger and frustration.
Also the thing about not having the tools to deal with a huge nisayon, you have to remember that Hashem doesnt give a nisayon to someone who can’t do it. So tell Him “Hashem you gave me this nisayon and You make no mistakes so its obviously ment for me.. Now I need you to give me the tools or at least a mentor or guide to help me get through it. “
Hatzlacha RabaJuly 7, 2011 8:48 pm at 8:48 pm #784473
Well you’re doing the right mature first step by seeking help.
I am sorry that you are in so much pain.
Write what you’re feeling down. Acknowledge your struggle. Perhaps you could discuss your pain with a mentor or wise friend.
Obviously, such pain would cause tears, but direct them to Hashem, it is a comfort to know thar He understands you.July 7, 2011 8:51 pm at 8:51 pm #784474
Obviously, I’m not in your situation so I can’t truly understand you, but it certainly helps to look for Hashem’s hashgacha in life. Every situation has a silver lining, some are just buried deeper.July 7, 2011 9:45 pm at 9:45 pm #784475
Busy As A Bee– I have done that plenty times, I begged Hashem to give me the right people to help me get through this. Well, I’m at a particularly difficult point in my nisayon and my mentor abandoned me so I’m on my own.
Another name– there is a time for seeing the silver lining. Right now, I can’t. The pain is too great.July 7, 2011 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #784476Derech HaMelechMember
The hardest part of dealing with emotional pain is the thought that you are alone, dealing with it by yourself.
You have to realize that you’re not the only one dealing with this difficult nisayon. Whatever it is you are suffering from, you can be sure there are many others there with you.
Maybe you are in a position where you can find one or two of these people. But even if not, always remind yourself that other’s are sharing this pain too. And find for yourself a support system, a parent, spouse, sibling friend or Rebbe. Someone who will give you a shoulder to cry on.
Knowing someone is there for you and with you will help you find the strength to persevere and make it out the other side of the tunnel.July 7, 2011 11:21 pm at 11:21 pm #784477
correction, I’ve always found from experience that a good cry and a bowl of ice cream (can be substituted for any other fattening or caffeinated treat) can do a world of good!
And remember that people do care about you, and believe in your true worth!July 8, 2011 12:14 am at 12:14 am #784478s2021Member
correction- Im so sorry for the pain u r in. I can relate 2 the the feeling of being “in so much pain that they feel like they will explode” What I did then was I put on music, sneakers and I ran. It helped tremendously. I felt like I actually did explode, and everything left me, and allowed me to cope. Music always offers me alot of comfort. While Gd is there- the support of having people is vitall. Find ppl who have been through similar situations and reach out to them. A mentor is good, but someone who has been there is better. Take it one day at a time (or one hour at a time..) and live “for today.”July 8, 2011 12:56 am at 12:56 am #784479aries2756Participant
I am sorry that your mentor left you. Did that person feel that you were relying too much on them and not enough on yourself? If that was the case then you have to give some thought to that and think about what YOU need to do for yourself in this situation that is causing you so much pain. What can YOU do to bring about a different outcome without relying on others? What have you learnt from your mentors? How have you built on your strengths and strengthened your weaknesses with their help? What have you accomplished with their support? How much better off are you today than you were before they came into your life?
If you can answer in an affirmative way then B”H, they have helped you and have given you some basic tools that you have to reach for to continue. If you can’t answer in a positive manner then they were not the right shelichim and you have to keep looking, don’t give up. You need to keep on searching for answers and looking for the right sheliach to empower you.
In addition, sometimes when you find that life is just too difficult and challenging, helping someone else in need gives one a feeling of accomplishment and fulfillment. It is “nice” to feel needed and appreciated no matter who the source is or where it is coming from. It makes a person feel involved and NOT invisible.
HatzlochaJuly 8, 2011 1:14 am at 1:14 am #784480happiestMember
Try coloring. I know it sounds really crazy but that’s what I did for a while when things were especially bad. My friend who is a social worker always told me to do that or like s2021 said run. She told me to do something that is mind numbing so you just will completely distract yourself.
Distraction is something they teach you in dbt (which I highly highly recommend!!!) I can give you other dbt tips too if you would like. They really helped me in my time of need.
Feel better and hatzlacha!!!!July 8, 2011 1:30 am at 1:30 am #784481minyan galMember
happiest – can you please explain what “dbt” is?July 8, 2011 1:53 am at 1:53 am #784482happiestMember
Sorry, dbt is dialectical behavioral therapy. It’s a little confusing and I probably wont do it justice so it might pay to google it but basically it teaches you coping mechanisms and all about being mindful and doing everything in the minute. Like not necessarily thinking too much ahead but thinking about getting thru the next minute. It is really interesting and really helped me a lot. There are different modules in it. I’m really not doing it justice though. It gives you exercises and breathing skills etc. I am really not a big believer in this ‘new age’ stuff, not a health fanatic and not into holistic stuff but I did this (finished it actually) and I am honestly a new person right now. It is something that I will take with me for life that can be used in any situation even for someone who is not mentally ill.
Wow, sorry this ended up being long… you can ignore it if you get bored of reading it:)July 8, 2011 2:21 am at 2:21 am #784483anon for thisParticipant
correction–I am so sorry you are going through this. For the past year I’ve been dealing with my own difficult situation. I don’t know anyone frum in this situation so I felt very isolated and could not find a frum mentor or similar support.
Hashem knows this is tough for you and knows your capabilities–so maybe your nisayon right now isn’t to ignore the pain and function as you normally would, but rather to get through the next day or hour or however long you can manage.
Do you have friends or siblings who can offer some support, even if you don’t have a true mentor? As other posters noted, it also really helps to find other people who are dealing with situations similar to yours. If you can’t find a real-life support group, an online support group can be helpful too.July 10, 2011 5:26 am at 5:26 am #784484
“For the past year I’ve been dealing with my own difficult situation. I don’t know anyone frum in this situation so I felt very isolated and could not find a frum mentor or similar support.”
My experience is that there is always someone else out there with a similar although non-identical situation. Seek and ye shall find. Yagata umatzata taamin.
“I’ve always found from experience that a good cry and a bowl of ice cream (can be substituted for any other fattening or caffeinated treat) can do a world of good!”
Using fattening and unhealthy foods as an anesthetic is highly not recommended. Try a different method that’s beneficial in both the short and long term.July 10, 2011 6:21 am at 6:21 am #784485anon for thisParticipant
AYC, despite my efforts I could not find anyone frum whose situation was sufficiently similar to mine to provide meaningful support. I did however find a helpful (though non-Jewish) online community.
correction, I hope you had a peaceful and comforting shabbos.July 10, 2011 7:35 am at 7:35 am #784486m in IsraelMember
correction — I truly hope you find some menuchas hanefesh soon. Although this doesn’t directly address your question, it is very important when you are in an emotionally distressed time not to forget about you physical needs. Make sure you are eating properly and sleeping properly, even though you likely don’t feel like doing either. Go through the motions of functioning normally as best as you can. If you can exercise as well that is also great. Emotional pain is much harder to cope with when your body is physically drained as well.
A beautiful book with a large range of ideas on coping with nisyanos is “Facing Adversity with Faith” by M.L. Kramer published by Feldheim. It is basically the “chizuk diary” kept by the author as she struggled with progressively worse stages of MS. Although her nisayon stemmed from a physical condition, her ideas are applicable to all kinds of nisayonos, and are so varied that you can probably find some tools and ideas you can relate to. She tells over stories she heard, vorts, inspirational quotes, mental imaging techniques, etc..
And as everyone already said — find yourself a mentor/ friend/ support group — you don’t have to do this by yourself!July 10, 2011 2:39 pm at 2:39 pm #784488seeallsidesParticipant
I am really sorry for you-emotional pain is a very trying thing and you are usually so overwhelmed by the pain that it is hard to do anything to get out of the pain, leaving you in a bit of a vicious cycle. Although, nobody can really understand your pain because each person’s coping skills, emotional makeup, characteristics, and history make up their unique way of how they are affected by the pain, there are very good proven general methods of helping yourself deal with your situation. Don’t think that you are the only one suffering pain-so many people do. You must seek help. There are many books available, Rabbi Twersky has some excellent ones, some were mentioned here-The confidentiality here may allow you to open up a little more, if you could, in a general way, be a little more specific, people might share more targeted ideas that relate specifically to your situation.
Before you lost your mentor, did she explain what she felt you needed to do – did you follow her advice-perhaps you should think about that, and see if you can now follow any of her ideas.
Good Luck to you –July 10, 2011 4:15 pm at 4:15 pm #784489
It’s great that you are fighting through this challenge and not isolating yourself. Your reaching out online is a testament to your resilience and perseverance. It’s also helpful to know that you are not in this alone.
Keep up the good fight and you should see resultsJuly 10, 2011 4:36 pm at 4:36 pm #784490cshapiroMember
Have u ever read garden of emunah?July 10, 2011 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #784491get a lifeMember
Allow yourself to grieve/mourn whatever it is you have lost. Be it a relationship, trust, a dream or loss of income. Once you allow yourself to grieve you can move forward with your life and your nisayon.July 10, 2011 5:45 pm at 5:45 pm #784492
I am grieving … one of my very good friends passed away this morning :”'(((
Baruch Dayan EmesJuly 10, 2011 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #784493
so sorry to hear about it.
Just went through this myself; the day shiva finished for 1 person, the next one passed away…that’s why I hadn’t posted till now.
wish I knew what to say to make it better for you.July 10, 2011 6:18 pm at 6:18 pm #784494
am yisrael chai~ thank you. sorry for your losses.
she was my age 🙁 ..
she passed up in the country, upstate… where she loved to be.July 10, 2011 6:22 pm at 6:22 pm #784495get a lifeMember
Sorry for the pain you are going through. You should have a nechama.July 10, 2011 6:25 pm at 6:25 pm #784496
perhaps you’d like to share some of her ????? as a ???? to her ????July 10, 2011 6:28 pm at 6:28 pm #784497
a.y.c.~ it’s hard right now. she had THE biggest, caring, giving, unselfish heart…July 10, 2011 6:34 pm at 6:34 pm #784498
she would have had to have a big heart if she was your friendJuly 10, 2011 6:41 pm at 6:41 pm #784499
get a life~ thank you. Amen!July 10, 2011 6:46 pm at 6:46 pm #784500
am yisrael chai~ I’m a little sensitive right now.. please don’t refer to me as ‘ah’! OY!! :-OJuly 10, 2011 7:37 pm at 7:37 pm #784501
always here- ok, I understand.(The w & s don’t work on my computer, it was way easier using your acronym, which btw to me is a calming sound…remember I have a double grieving myself, so I certainly did not wish you any more pain)
get a life- thank you, if you were referring to me as well.July 10, 2011 7:37 pm at 7:37 pm #784502principalMember
For the past 35 years I have gone through extremely trying times and had to go through them myself. Some were and are excruciatingly difficult. Pple always ask me how I survived, and I think the best answer I could give is to just accept that whatever is happening is the way it has to be for reasons beyond my meager comprehension. I have managed to raise a beautiful family and held down a very demanding job during all this time. So I guess part of the answer is also to keep busy. Stay strong by trusting and believing that Hashem knows what he is doing and never makes mistakes. After all, He’s also the one Who gives us what’s good and right in our lives and we don’t question that!
Hope this has been helpful.July 10, 2011 8:19 pm at 8:19 pm #784503minyan galMember
always here – I know that often times it may not seem like it, but Hashem never gives us more than He knows that we can handle. My condolences to you on the loss of your beloved friend. As we all know, we can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends. Many times our friends are closer to us and as dear to us as our family members and often times our friends “become” our family. As you go through the mourning period for your friend, remember how well you got on together and the good times that you had. I certainly hope that everything that life is throwing at you these days will be quickly and properly resolved. If you cannot do it along, get help – there is a lot available out there.
I am thinking about you.July 10, 2011 8:25 pm at 8:25 pm #784504
thank you, principal & minyangal~ for the truth & beauty in your words.July 10, 2011 9:00 pm at 9:00 pm #784505welldressed007Participant
You have the tools. Recognize them in your own inner strength. Saying you believe verbally and not coming from the heart will not help. you must sincerely believe on all levels. Sounds simple,,,,like the fellow looking parking,says to G-d if i find a parking spot $50.00 will go to charity, and then suddenly a spot opens up and of course, never mind G-d i just found one.July 10, 2011 9:24 pm at 9:24 pm #784506
welldressed007~ are you addressing me?
if so, thanks for giving me credit for being so shallow. I’m a mature adult who has seen more in my lifetime than most.July 10, 2011 9:54 pm at 9:54 pm #784507
am yisrael chai~ sorry! I didn’t mean to be insensitive.July 11, 2011 12:53 am at 12:53 am #784508aries2756Participant
always here, bed, I am so sorry for your loss. It will take time to accept and get used to.July 11, 2011 1:14 am at 1:14 am #784509I can only tryMember
“wish I knew what to say to make it better for you.“
That in a nutshell is how most people feel when trying to comfort someone who’s had a loss and/or is going thru tough times.
When we lost a relative we saw that even just hearing an “I’m sorry” – sincerely said – helps.
May those who are grieving for relatives or friends have a nechama, and those undergoing difficulty have a yeshua.July 11, 2011 1:51 am at 1:51 am #784510
ICOT, well said. When someone is going through a difficult challenge what’s most important is support; to know that people care and daven for you and hope for the best.
correction & alwayshere, remember that us coffee room members are here for you and wish you much hatzlacha and siyata dishmaya! 🙂July 11, 2011 3:04 am at 3:04 am #784511
thank you all … your support is appreciated.
we’re just back from the levaya now.
May her family be comforted amongst the mourners of Zion & Yerushalayim, & may they only know of simchas from now on.
she still has a son & daughter in their 20’s who need shidduchim.
May she be a maylitz yosher for her whole family & Klal Yisroel and daven to Hashem to bring Moshiach NOW!July 11, 2011 3:30 am at 3:30 am #784512hudiParticipant
Once you have reached the pit, it can only get better from there.July 11, 2011 4:09 am at 4:09 am #784513
“always here – … My condolences to you on the loss of your beloved friend.”
“always here, bed, I am so sorry for your loss.”
The exclusion has been duly noted and that hurts after the double whammy.July 11, 2011 4:11 am at 4:11 am #784514
“correction & alwayshere, remember that us coffee room members are here for you and wish you much hatzlacha and siyata dishmaya!”
Now I really feel like chopped liver.July 11, 2011 1:00 pm at 1:00 pm #784515oomisParticipant
Always Here and Am Yisrael Chai, I am so sorry for your respective losses. I think it is safe to say that we all experience loss at one time or another,and can relate to the pain.
Correction: I can feel the pain in your words. Some nisyonos are worse than others, but to the person experiencing them they are all catastrophic in the moment. If it is a health issue, we can try to seek the proper medical guidance. When it is emotional or social, it may be more challenging. Whatever it is, I wish you much hatzlacha and peace of mind. Nothing is forever, whether good or bad. Hopefully, the good is coming your way in short order.July 11, 2011 2:29 pm at 2:29 pm #784516
am yisrael chai~ “Just went through this myself; the day shiva finished for 1 person, the next one passed away…that’s why I hadn’t posted till now.”
I’m so sorry that your poignant post got lost in the shuffle of multi-postings here!!
— please don’t feel like chopped liver!!
from your post, it seems like you are/have experienced a lot of pain from your losses. if they were family members, I’m sure you’re feeling even more neglected here by the inadvertent exclusion of support from the CR. I truly believe it was just an oversight, as peeps here may have paid more attention to your words of consolation to me, than to your mention of your losses & obvious pain.
May you be consoled amongst the mourners of Tzion & Yerushalayim, know no further tzaar, & know of only simchas in the future!!!!July 11, 2011 3:22 pm at 3:22 pm #784517adorableParticipant
when you think you hit the bottom and it cant get any worse- then just realize it can only get easier. and it will….
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.