August 25, 2011 2:25 pm at 2:25 pm #598903
i have a really close friend who got married a few months ago and recently she became extremely spacey. to the point that its hard to be with her / talk to her because she is completely unfocused to what i’m saying and she asks “what?” a million times about the same thing, then tries to process it in her head. i’m a little nervous for her. she was never like this before.August 25, 2011 2:36 pm at 2:36 pm #811750HachamMember
A wife devotes her life to her husband. This is completely normal.August 25, 2011 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #811751ImaofthreeParticipant
I don’t think this is normal at all and there may be something wrong that she needs to see a doctor. If she is a close friend you can ask her how she is doing and how she is feeling and if she asks why you ask tell her what you have been noticing and you are concerned. If she ended up having a brain tumor chas v’shalom and you didn’t say anything you would feel awful.August 25, 2011 3:22 pm at 3:22 pm #811752msseekerMember
If she’s happy (laughs and smiles a lot) it’s probably normal.August 25, 2011 3:23 pm at 3:23 pm #811753Sam2Participant
I would ask her about it. That never hurts. It could also be that she is pregnant. The hormonal changes can cause changes in behavior. But it never hurts to bring it up and if Chas V’Shalom there is a major issue you will have done a tremendous thing.August 25, 2011 3:28 pm at 3:28 pm #811754MDGParticipant
It doesn’t sound normal to me. It seems that there is a lot on her mind. Ask her if she is OK or if there is something that she would like to talk about. She could be expecting and that could reduce her sleep and make her nervous. Or she could be sick. I think you, as a friend, should try to help or direct her to help as needed.August 25, 2011 3:29 pm at 3:29 pm #811755farrockawayParticipant
I was going to say, she may be pregnantAugust 25, 2011 3:29 pm at 3:29 pm #811756collegegradMember
Is this friend 19, 20ish cuz sometimes when people get married very young they are in la la land for the few months – maybe your friend just needs some time to adjust.August 25, 2011 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #811757
i say she’s just in such a bliss w her new husband that she can’t even think or talk staight. i say leave her alone for a few months till she lands back on earthAugust 25, 2011 4:34 pm at 4:34 pm #811758
Imaofthree- your post was really harsh and scary. why are u scaring her friend? I think your friend is normal if shes happy. if you see ses unhappy then thats a diff story.August 25, 2011 6:33 pm at 6:33 pm #811759yahudMember
it seems like she is a bit disilussiondAugust 25, 2011 6:55 pm at 6:55 pm #811760
its so normal. please. it happens to so many girls after they get married- especially if they are young,August 25, 2011 7:03 pm at 7:03 pm #811761
u gotta love these threads where the original poster just leaves us to discuss this and stops participatingAugust 25, 2011 7:06 pm at 7:06 pm #811762YW Moderator-80Member
it was only posted 4 hours ago
some people have a life outside the crAugust 25, 2011 7:07 pm at 7:07 pm #811763
is there really such a thing?August 25, 2011 7:20 pm at 7:20 pm #811764TheGoqParticipant
It is normal behavior for newlyweds but it is not very nice, i work in a Yeshiva and i see this condition a lot in newly married boys.
It is somewhat understandable for months they have been showered with praise and gifts and sometimes they become a little self involved hopefully for the sake of your friendship this attitude will fade.August 25, 2011 7:21 pm at 7:21 pm #811765happy faceMember
i have lots of married friends and i’ve never noticed such weird behavior in my friends! Well, there are some girls that feel right after they get married that their husband is the only focus in their life. They may distance themself from their single friends. If that’s the case, she will eventually get over it! ….Or maybe she’s just addicted to her blackberry/ cellphone?!?( her husband keeps on txting to her!…so sweet!)Cellphones, in general, are a big reason why pple. r just SPACED OUT!!August 25, 2011 7:42 pm at 7:42 pm #811768
mod 80 lets not make such extreme exagerrations. but i was also referencing other threads such as off the derechAugust 25, 2011 10:18 pm at 10:18 pm #811770bein_hasdorimParticipant
Perhaps whenever you talk to her she’s busy with something, she just doesn’t want to be rude, but she’s not really listening.
Like when your reading online and talking on the phone at the same time.
Just ask her if it’s a good time to talk to her, or if she can suggest a better time to talk. A time when she’d not be distracted.August 25, 2011 10:21 pm at 10:21 pm #811771
iluv- Ur post jumped out at me bec that girl used to be me. Im divorced now bh. It could be 4 a totally normall reason but u r her close friend and u know her. If u feel concern dont just ignore it. Thats not what real friends do.August 25, 2011 11:26 pm at 11:26 pm #811772
its not a blissfull type of spacey. its freaky. and when i ask her she says everything is just great! i guess i should hold her to that….August 26, 2011 7:36 am at 7:36 am #811774
I was going to say the same thing.
The last time I got spacey like that in marriage was when my husband dumped buckets of water at me in a fit of rage. I went out with some close friends within days, and was completely “out there”. I was so stunned I couldn’t focus on anything. It’s no joke. Don’t just take your friends (first)word for it. Ask her again at some later point, at a time that’s really conducive to talking and sharing(not when you’re walking around Target together).August 28, 2011 4:54 am at 4:54 am #811776
i have plenty of married friends. the ones who are blissfully spacy make me soooo happy, cuz i see that they are really happy!!!! this is really scary. its like she is completely unfocused. but he seems like a really nice good guy, so maybe i should just let things be and see what happens….August 28, 2011 5:15 am at 5:15 am #811777
He seems like a nice guy…
From who’s perspective? Don’t pry, but if you’re concerned keep an eye on her, and ask her periodically.Tell her about the change in her that you noticed and ask her about it. If she says she’s fine just be a good friend and be there for her. If there’s something on her mind hopefully she’ll talk.August 28, 2011 3:40 pm at 3:40 pm #811778am yisrael chaiParticipant
Mommamia22 is giving great advice (sorry you had to go through that experience yourself).August 28, 2011 5:35 pm at 5:35 pm #811779
will do mamma, thanx a million!August 28, 2011 6:38 pm at 6:38 pm #811780
hey momm! Guess we have something in common. The water thing happened 2 me 2! I love- like momm said, dont just let things be. Tell her how she is acting. That might help her realize for herself if something is wrong. Many times ppl from the inside cant really see it if something is up. Or- talk to her mother. like this u r giving ur concerns over to someone with a closer eye but it could seem like ur simply commenting on how things r doing with the 2 of u..August 28, 2011 8:04 pm at 8:04 pm #811781
thanx s2021 for all ur advice also…..i did speak to her sister about it, and in the begining she was also concerned…..but now she said that shes doing good, so idk what that means.August 28, 2011 9:19 pm at 9:19 pm #811782
OMG. I just can’t imagine that someone else has gone through that same experience. I have felt so alone. No one I talked to could imagine what I was going through. When I did try to talk, the response that I got was “did that really happen?”. I think that may be what’s important to remember here. Creating open lines of communication is very important for everyone, including, and maybe more so for a new bride. We think that marriage brings bliss, but it can also bring adjustment issues. Girls may be too embarrassed to talk about what’s bothering them. It’s vital that we all have loved ones we can talk to, and not only will they listen, but they’ll believe us, take us seriously, and help us at the very least think it through. This may be totally irrelevant regarding the friend who was described above, but then again, maybe not.August 28, 2011 9:32 pm at 9:32 pm #811783RABBAIMParticipant
If she was a good friend and good baalas midos before, there is room for concern. Marriage should accentuate the positives and not make them disappear. When you are happy you want to share, to give………August 28, 2011 10:23 pm at 10:23 pm #811784
mommamia… um… so after st like that happens do you stay in that marraige? is that ok or normal? just trying to make sense out of the water thing… sorry if I’m being a bit direct…..August 28, 2011 10:37 pm at 10:37 pm #811785
wow-I feel the exact same way I could have written exactly ur post! I recieved alot of comfort talking about my xperiences w ppl going thru the exact same thing – if u ever wanna shmooz..well.. i dunno how that wld b possible.. but im available..:)August 28, 2011 11:16 pm at 11:16 pm #811786am yisrael chaiParticipant
There’s a neighbor here going through a similar thing.
Unfortunately, you are not alone, either of you. The kehila as a whole is more amenable to dealing with these issues than previously, which should be helpful to both of you. There are frum support groups dealing with domestic abuse. You will probably find them helpful, as outsiders who have not experienced such marriages may tend to disbelieve that this could even happen in our circles.
Hatzlacha to you both and anyone else out there suffering in silence.August 29, 2011 1:07 am at 1:07 am #811787
No, it’s not ok and it’s not normal. The issue is my husbands, not mine. It became mine when I didn’t confront him about it and work it through. The problem that I face(d) is that my husband is what’s called an intermittent abuser. He doesn’t always act this way, so it makes leaving all the more confusing. He is sometimes thoughtful and kind, but he also has a very controlling personality. The problem is the public only sees the kind thoughtful person. They don’t hear him threatening to abandon me and our kids on vacation if I upset him, or his threats to drive even faster if I am scared in bad weather conditions and ask him to drive slower, or the whispers of ridicule about my weight that others don’t hear. It may seem obvious to leave but when children are involved the decision has to be weighed carefully. There may be signs of issues that are not verbal. If a friend who formerly dressed well and watched her weight begins to let herself go, this may be a sign of depression. If she declines getting together, preferring to just stay home (when she was a social butterfly), if she often doesn’t answer calls or return them, if she lacks the motivation to pusue goals (professional, etc) all these things may be indications of depression. It can also be just wanting to focus on her marriage. It is tricky to know what’s going on if someone denies it or says they’re ok. That’s why it’s important to stay in contact, keep your eyes open, give real opportunities to talk.August 29, 2011 1:21 am at 1:21 am #811788
Wow mommamia, I am so sorry that you had(ve) to go through all that, and I pray that Hashem help you and only bentch you with much good and happiness in the future. And peace in all your relationships.August 29, 2011 1:27 am at 1:27 am #811789
Amen. Thank you.
By the way, don’t let my story scare you. There were signs that there were issues before we got married and I ignored them.August 29, 2011 1:33 am at 1:33 am #811790
I feel like there are too many of those stories not to be scared. But we pray. Are signs always obvious?August 29, 2011 1:44 am at 1:44 am #811791
I can’t tell you about generalities or other people’s situations, only my own. I can tell you he once repeated to me a nasty comment that was said about me by a friend of his. He told me his friend said to him”doesn’t it bother you that ……………’s so wide?” ok, so it’s nasty enough that a friend says something derogatory, but to repeat it? There were other signs as well. Just don’t brush thin sunder the carpet that bother you. If you’re troubled about his hashkafa, how he talks about family, anything, address it, either with him or another to get clarity.August 29, 2011 3:14 am at 3:14 am #811792therealmgamaMember
how about if he has emotional issues that are under control (therapy, medication)?August 29, 2011 8:26 am at 8:26 am #811793
I would need to see evidence that these emotional issues are under control. How long has he been on meds Has he been taking them consistently? What is he like when he’s off the meds? How severe are these emotional issues? Are they the types of issues that can interfere with his ability to function properly as a marriage partner and parent? These questions are very important because at any point in time, if he stops taking his meds that will be the person you are left with. How much insight does he (appear)to have about his issues? How long has he been in therapy for? How long with THIS therapist (he could be non-committal to the therapeutic process just by switching therapists often. When they progress in therapy and they delve too deep into the issues does he run scared and switch therapists? It’s hard to get the answers to these questions, you might have to do them gradually, or ask a reliable third party who knows him. DO NOT brush ANYTHING under the carpet. It will come back to haunt you later if you do.the issues may be minor, but you need to know what you’re dealing with and talk to people to know. Emotional maturity and stability is very important in marriage. A mekubal once told me that my husband is immature (without having met him). If my husban feels hurt or challenged he will attack back verbally with a vengeance. So, I live in fear of truly standing up for what I want. How can I advocate well for my kids if I can’t see a disagreement through with my husband? I’m not saying anyone has to be a perfect person before committing, but there are levels of acceptability. I fear conflict. I grew up in a home where we were not taught to communicate openly. I’m the perfect match with my husband. I fear conflict, and I’m with someone who will “punish” me in his own way if I take an argument too far and try to ride it out. Threats are a major part of my life. Check how well you talk and work things out together.August 29, 2011 8:57 am at 8:57 am #811794
These are the things that I think are important in a marriage partner.
A growing person- someone who is working on improving his/herself and doesn’t just accept the status quo at any point in time (my husband told me he doesn’t strive to be a tzaddik, he’s ok with being mediocre. I thought this was a good thing, that he wanted to “perfect”being a beinoni before advancing towards tzidkus. I couldn’t be more wrong. He doesn’t want to take the responsibilities on that would enable him to advance. He learns b/c he loves learning, but it doesn’t bring him anywhere).
Emotional maturity – the ability to take responsibility in life:economically (to recognize a need and to do what’s necessary), socially (to look at oneself and see the role their issues play in a conflict. To acknowledge them, at least to oneself initially, and too work on remedying them. The ability to reach a point in time where one can acknowledge their own role and work on fixing it. The ability to work with another on resolving differences.
Good middos- being rochel and telling them nasty things said about them is not kind. I once went on vacation with my husband. He was upset about my weight gain and gave me such a hard time (this was 6 months after I gave birth) that I resorted to buying senna tea to try to lose weight. I had horrible stomach cramps from the tea on vacation (it’s a laxative). My husband does try to be supportive sometimes, but it’s interspersed with comments like that I didn’t belong sitting on the side of the table with the skinny people at a wedding, I should’ve been sitting on the side of the table with the fat people. How is that kind?
I’m sure there are more things, but for now those are the ones that come to mind. Maybe others would like to add their thoughts as to what is important in a marriage partner.August 29, 2011 9:17 am at 9:17 am #811795
I don’t think I answered your question adequately. There were signs before I got married. Big red flags. I ignored them. I don’t know if it’s possible to see the signs always. The women that I know who have issues in their marriages saw issues beforehand: potential in- laws who were way too involved in their sons life, religious differences that already bothered the woman beforehand, a show of lack of middos.
I saw kindness and good qualities in my husband, and still do (he’s a wonderful father, tries to be economically responsible (very hard worker), has a great sense of humor, I was attracted to him (personality and appearance).
I didn’t feel great about myself at that point in time, and didn’t stand up for the things I wanted. If you don’t stand up for yourself before, it will be much more difficult to do so later. Be clear about what’s important to you, what you should be willing to give up on versus what’s really crucial to a union. What things you can accept in a person you’re going on a “date” with versus what things you can or cannot accept in the long term. You can accept a lot more during an evening out with a person than you can for a lifetime. Be clear on priorities.August 29, 2011 1:47 pm at 1:47 pm #811796flowersParticipant
Speaking from experience, this behavior is NOT normal.
Now as a friend, what should you do? Clearly, she isn’t looking to open up to you. You can tell her that if she needs someone to talk to, you will listen and be there for her, and you will keep everything she says confidential.
If this beahvior persists, I think you ought to let her parents know. Alternately, you should speak to her kallah teacher, who may be able to get out of her what it is that’s disturbing her. Or suggest to her that she speak to her kallah teacher or call a rav.August 29, 2011 5:27 pm at 5:27 pm #811797
she knows im always there for her. we have been close friends since we were really little and that is why im so nervous. i have never seen her like this before. but on the other hand im thinking that maybe she just has to adjust to being married. she has a ton of responsibilities now that she didnt have before and maybe she is just having trouble juggling all of it. also, her parents might think its normal because she is the oldest in her family and they may not know better.August 29, 2011 6:14 pm at 6:14 pm #811798Mr TaxmanMember
i agree with Flowers 100%. When this behaviour occurs, most of the time it’s not because the couple are star struck and into each other……August 29, 2011 7:13 pm at 7:13 pm #811799
🙁 Im scared out of my wits… what is theyr just nice to you cuz ur dating?August 29, 2011 8:23 pm at 8:23 pm #811800TheGoqParticipant
welcome back s2021!August 29, 2011 10:33 pm at 10:33 pm #811801
goq- wow thank u! so nice 2 b welcomed!August 30, 2011 3:58 am at 3:58 am #811802
Hopefully, you know more about him than just what he does or where he lives. That’s part of what research is for. Ask those who are recommending the shidduch how well they know this person and whether he is kind. Ask them to elaborate how did they observe or know this about him. Beyond that it becomes a matter of getting to know the person you’re with. Listen to the stories they tell, the language they use, the jokes they make. Do they ridicule others in their jokes? How do they treat your parents? When you come into the room, are they courteous to your parents in the way that they transition the conversation?
You’ll have opportunities to get to know the person.
Do you find that you have the ability to discriminate the kind from the unkind when choosing friends?August 30, 2011 7:12 am at 7:12 am #811803
Just nervous that all these signs can seem fine and something could still get funky later… bH ok with the friends thing but i feel like these kinds of people can be amazing to their friends but not spouses
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