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- This topic has 103 replies, 29 voices, and was last updated 4 months, 2 weeks ago by #schwarbombs.
January 9, 2022 9:55 pm at 9:55 pm #2049706MISSESParticipant
any short and funny jokes ppl can share….?January 9, 2022 10:53 pm at 10:53 pm #2049719ujmParticipant
I can only share jokes that aren’t funny.January 10, 2022 8:08 am at 8:08 am #2049777yungermanSParticipant
When’s the best time to go to the dentist? 2:30
(Tooth hurty)January 10, 2022 8:36 am at 8:36 am #2049840joshua015Participant
Waddaya say to someone on his 120th birthday??
Have a nice day…January 10, 2022 12:45 pm at 12:45 pm #2049924
How many Jewish doctors does it take to write a prescription? 4. One to write the prescription, 3 to write the commentaryJanuary 10, 2022 5:54 pm at 5:54 pm #2050040KuvultParticipant
When man lands on Mars, what’s the first thing he will see?
A Chabad house.January 10, 2022 8:11 pm at 8:11 pm #2050076
doctor opens an office in chelm. sage of chelm walks in and complains that when he touches his arm, it hurts, when he touches his leg, it hurts etc.
doctor examines him and says, there’s only one thing wrong with you. you have a broken finger ….January 10, 2022 8:43 pm at 8:43 pm #2050084
Lot’s wife turns int salt. Lot cries to Hashem – salt? I have plenty of salt, I would’ve preferred pop-corn.January 10, 2022 8:43 pm at 8:43 pm #2050083
Husband buys wife fur coat. Daughter comes home from college, angry at her mother and says – do you know how much that animal suffered just so you can prance around with a fancy coat. the mother slaps the daughter in the face and says – don’t you ever speak about daddy that way again…January 10, 2022 10:48 pm at 10:48 pm #2050116bored_teen 💕Participant
As the years go on, I think of all the people I’ve lost along the way. Maybe a tour guide wasn’t the best career choice!January 11, 2022 12:31 pm at 12:31 pm #2050237Reb EliezerParticipant
How many polish people do you need to change a light bulb? 100, one to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house. How many psychiatrists? None, when it wants to change, it will change by itself. How many programmers? None, it is a hardware problem.January 11, 2022 12:33 pm at 12:33 pm #2050248Reb EliezerParticipant
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the Lubavitcher cross the road? To be mekarev the chicken.January 11, 2022 3:37 pm at 3:37 pm #2050362
An American: “I’m so thirsty. I must have some beer.”
A Brit: “I’m so thirsty. I must have some milk.”
A Frenchman: “I’m so thirsty. I must have some wine.”
A Mexican: “I’m so thirsty. I must have some tequila.”
A Greek: “I’m so thirsty. I must have some olive oil.”
A Jew: “I’m so thirsty. I must have diabetes.”January 12, 2022 2:26 pm at 2:26 pm #2050684
Top 3 jokes so far: joshua01, Kuvult, and Participant. huju’s was stupid.January 12, 2022 8:30 pm at 8:30 pm #2050825
Do you think clouds look down at people and think “that one is shaped like an idiot”?January 12, 2022 9:02 pm at 9:02 pm #2050828
Before you marry a person you should make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really areJanuary 12, 2022 9:03 pm at 9:03 pm #2050837
How to save the world:
1. Make a document called the world
2. Save the documentJanuary 13, 2022 1:32 pm at 1:32 pm #2050989
Guns don’t scare me. It’s the bullets that terrify me (Jackie Mason)January 13, 2022 3:30 pm at 3:30 pm #2051055Zaphod BeeblebroxParticipant
Why doesn’t Poland have an ice hockey team?
They all drowned during spring trainingJanuary 13, 2022 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #2051064
I observed two kids playing frisbee. the frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger. I couldn’t figure out why, but then it hit me.January 13, 2022 3:35 pm at 3:35 pm #2051066
A groom meets his future father in law for the first time.
“What do you do for a living?” the father in law asks.
“I learn Torah,” the groom responds.
“But how do you plan on supporting yourself when you get married.”
“I learn Torah,” the groom replied, “and I’m confident God will help me.”
“Well, you’re gonna have kids? How will you support them?”
“I learn Torah. God will help.”
“But for how long? Are you planning on marrying off your kids?”
“Yes, of course. I’m going to learn and I trust in God to help me.”
A few hours later, the future FIL meets his friend.
“Hey, how’s your daughter doing? And the chosson? Is he nice?”
“He’s such a sweet guy,” the FIL responds. “He just met me for the first time and already thinks I’m God.”January 13, 2022 3:36 pm at 3:36 pm #2051067
A hitchhiker gets into the car. The driver drives, until he’s soon stopped by a just-changed light.
“Shoot,” he swears. “Fred could have made that light.
“So,” he turns to the hitcher. “Where are u from?”
“Whitchitta,” he says. “Have u heard of it?”
“No,” says the driver, “but I’m sure Fred would know everything about it.”
“What brings you out to the highway?” the hitcher asks nosily.
“I needed a pipe part,” the driver says. “But I can’t figure out which. It’s a shame Fred’s not here. He could have fixed it in two minutes flat.”
“This Fred sounds like an amazing guy,” says the hitcher. “Is he related to you?”
“Sort of. He’s my wife’s former husband.”January 13, 2022 4:33 pm at 4:33 pm #2051081
A guy is crying bitterly over a grave – why did you have to die? why did you have to die?
A man walks over and says – must have been a close relative or friend of yours.
Not at all, he replies.
So why are you crying?
Here lies my wife’s first husband. Why, oh why, did you have to die…January 14, 2022 2:43 pm at 2:43 pm #2051293
I have all the money in the world for as long as I live, provided I drop dead tomorrow (Jackie Mason)January 18, 2022 2:12 pm at 2:12 pm #2052168HaravPhilDaBoiParticipant
a guy picks up a hitch-hiker. as they drive the hitch hiker says “how did you know im not a serial killer?” The driver replied “the chances of two serial killers in the same car is highly unlikely”January 18, 2022 11:23 pm at 11:23 pm #2052371☕️coffee addictParticipant
What do you call Tesla shareholders?
MusketeersJanuary 19, 2022 6:43 pm at 6:43 pm #2052642
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: “That’s nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job.”
The Russian doctor replies: “Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job.”
The American doctor laughs: “You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!”January 19, 2022 6:43 pm at 6:43 pm #2052643
its not fair, for every 77 cents a woman loses, men lose a dollarJanuary 19, 2022 6:43 pm at 6:43 pm #2052644
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.January 19, 2022 6:44 pm at 6:44 pm #2052645
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?”
“I think that is a wise decision,” the doctor replies. “Let’s see, do you smoke?”
“Oh.. Half a pack a day.”
“Starting NOW, no more smoking.” The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, “Do you drink?”
“Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.”
“Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.”
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, “How do you eat?”
“Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.”
“Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.”
The man is now really worried. “Doc, is all this really necessary?”
“Do you want to live long?” “Yes.” “Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet.”
The man is appalled. “Doc… Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?”
The doctor replies “I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!January 19, 2022 6:44 pm at 6:44 pm #2052646
Optimist- A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s “just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk.January 19, 2022 6:44 pm at 6:44 pm #2052647
Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home …
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.
Sergeant:What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?
Husband: (sobbing) It’s a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37″ X 13.5″ Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12″ LED Light bar, 50″ LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution “C” Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4″ springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch’s & a Tuffy Security Drawer……
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your Jeep.January 19, 2022 6:47 pm at 6:47 pm #2052653
I’m driving along a bridge when suddenly a car crashes into my trunk. I lurch forward; luckily, I was wearing a seatbelt, and lived to post this tale. I get out onto the shoulder of the road to inspect the damage–pretty bad, mind you–and the crashing driver also does.
Anyway, we schmooze a bit, and he reveals that he’s a CR mod. I told him I’m Participant. So he says, “you know what? I think this is a sign from Above that we put our differences aside and become friends.”
“That’s right!” I enthused. “Let’s drink a lechayim to this!”
I get a bottle of Scotch from the passenger seat–luckily it wasn’t in the trunk–and offer it to the mod.
He takes a long swig and hands it back to me. “Your turn. Enjoy.”
“Nah,” I said, promptly tossing the bottle into the ocean below. “I’ll just wait for the police to show up.”January 19, 2022 9:21 pm at 9:21 pm #2052671
Best joke of the first 34 is no. 34, Participant in the collision on the bridge.January 20, 2022 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #2052897
A guy meets his friend who is very sad and upset.
Why you so sad?
Well, 3 weeks ago i won the million dollar lottery.
So why you so upset?
You don’t understand, 2 weeks ago my uncle died and left me 10 million dollars.
Again, so why are you so sad?
You don’t understand, last week my cousin once removed died and left me 3 million dollars.
Again, so why so upset?
You don’t understand, this week……..NOTHING !January 20, 2022 3:18 pm at 3:18 pm #2052901HonestBatlanParticipant
What did the Egyptians say to the Jews by the Yam Suf?
Long time…. Hey No Sea!January 23, 2022 7:50 pm at 7:50 pm #2053862
A ventriloquist is performing and in middle of his spiel says a blond joke.
A blond woman in the audience gets up and starts screaming “That’s rude and offensive! Blondes are just as intelligent as any human! How dare you say such a disgusting thing?”
The ventriloquist starts apologizing, explaining it’s just a joke, but the blond cuts him off. “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that jerk on your knee!”January 23, 2022 7:51 pm at 7:51 pm #2053865
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Hey, you want to hear a blond joke?”
The bartender says, “You see me? I’m blond. You see that six-foot-five guy there? He’s a body builder, weighs 200 lbs., and he’s blonde. You see that guy in the corner? He’s and undercover security guard with about three guns on him, and he’s blond. You see that woman at that table? She’s completely crazy, will fight over anything, and she’s blond. Still want to say the joke?”
“No, no, of course not,” the customer says. “Not if I’ll have to explain it four times.”January 23, 2022 9:27 pm at 9:27 pm #2053950bored_teen 💕Participant
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.January 24, 2022 10:24 pm at 10:24 pm #2054375TS BaumParticipant
haha-not funny. I don’t get it a bit. Please explain the joke.January 25, 2022 12:13 am at 12:13 am #2054412Johnny PicklesauceParticipant
Yanky: “Ah, Shmiel, it’s been a while! You look so much younger than when I last saw you, and you lost so much weight! -And I see you put on a nice beard too, and grew those beutifull lange payes recently, oh wow! – And is it my imagination, or did your hair turn slightly lighter?”
Other man: “But my name’s not Shmiel!”
Yanky: “Oh, you’ve changed your name too?!”January 25, 2022 4:54 pm at 4:54 pm #2054621
Mr. and Mrs. X take the mishpacha to a dinosaur exhibit. Mrs. X’s mother comes along for the trip.
“Wow, this place really changed since I was a little girl,” Grandma says, eyeing the fancy floors and high ceilings.
“Yes,” Mr. X agrees. “It’s no longer a zoo. Now it’s a museum.”January 25, 2022 5:38 pm at 5:38 pm #2054624
Teacher asks his studentS – who can tell me something about the Romanian border.
Moishe raises his hand – my father hates him, my mother loves him (the Romanian BOARDER)January 26, 2022 12:35 am at 12:35 am #2054708Johnny PicklesauceParticipant
There’s a Breslover chassid, a lubavitcher, and a litvak in geihinom, R”L:
The breslover rebbe comes, and says,”Nachman, what are you doing here?! You went to Uman every rosh hashanah, you said tikun haklali every day, vechulu; you don’t desereve to be here!”, and he takes him out.
The lubavitcher rebbe comes, and says,”Menachem Mendel, what are you doing here?! You were mekarev tens of people in Hanalulu, Egypt and Jibuddi, vechulu; you don’t deserve to be here!”, and he takes him out.
The litvisheh rosh yeshivah comes, and says, “See Yankel, I told you!”January 29, 2022 8:03 pm at 8:03 pm #2055849
Rabbi is taking a stroll in the park…on Pesach. He notices a blind man sitting on a bench, taking out a sandwich to eat for lunch. Well, blind as he is, the sandwich slips out of his hand and scatters all over the floor.
Feeling terrible for the poor blind man, the rabbi checks his pockets for anything worthy of eating that he might offer him. Since it was Pesach, all he could find was some matzah, but it was better than nothing.
Handing the matzah over to the hapless man, the latter grabs it and begins to feel it all over, examining it in all directions. After a few moments of this, he exclaims, “who wrote this nonsense?!”January 29, 2022 8:04 pm at 8:04 pm #2055850
A typical father suddenly remembers it’s his daughter’s birthday….today! Barely finishing work that day, he runs to the toy store and quickly runs over to one of the workers there.
“Please! You have to help me! I need a birthday present for my daughter, what do have to offer??”
The man takes him over to the Barbie section. “Here we have Barbie goes shopping, for $47. And here is Barbie goes on vacation for $42…. Oh, and this here is Divorce Barbie, for $480.”
“Wait a minute,” the father stops the seller, “could you please explain to me…why is Divorce Barbie so much more expensive than all the others??”
Well, explains the seller, “you see, Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s furniture…”January 29, 2022 8:05 pm at 8:05 pm #2055852
In Israel the Blonde jokes are all about Kurdim…and I have to admit that it tends to be very true…so place your “not smart person” term in the following joke as you prefer:
A “person” is shopping around the grocery store, when he notices an odd, almost futuristic looking object on the shelf. Calling over a clerk, he asks him to explain what it is.
“That,” says the clerk, “is a Thermos cup!”
“Woooow….that sounds awesome! What does it do??”
“Well,” explains the clerk, “that keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..!”
Impressed with the prospects of such an invention, the “person” buys two of them.
Later that week, he’s at work, holding his Thermos cup in hand and feeling like the king of the world, legs up on the desk and everything. Along passes the boss when he notices his employee with a strange looking cup on his desk. “what’s that?” he inquires.
“This,” the “person” answers smugly, “is a Thermos cup. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
“Oh! Sounds really cool! And what, if you don’t mind me asking, do you have in their at the moment?”
The “person’s” smug smile turns even wider. “Coffee and two popsicles!”January 29, 2022 10:49 pm at 10:49 pm #2055913
A rabbi walks past a treif restaurant on yom kippur and notices some of his congregants inside.
Furious who walks in and they say – sorry, rabbi, we forgot
You forgot this is a treif restaurant? – no they reply
You forgot that today is yom kippur? – no they reply
You forgot to fast today? no – they reply
So what did you forget?
We forgot to close the drapes on the window.January 30, 2022 9:36 am at 9:36 am #2055976HaravPhilDaBoiParticipant
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for the angel Michael to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When the angel Michael came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” the angel said. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the angel welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Michael the angel came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse whom you never liked; and then I won the 250 million dollar lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, a private jet, a yacht, and a summer home in the Riviera. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer!
“Now, how do I get in to this beautiful paradise? I am starving…”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia,” she said.
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