Letting my baby CIO

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  • #607767

    MorahRach
    Member

    I need some baby sleep tips. My son is 7 months old bH happy and healthy. He has always been a good sleeper, save a few instances. He has slept in our room until 2 and a half weeks ago, we finally had his crib out together In his own room, and it has been night after night of screaming. We can’t take it anymore! I am a softy and I hate hearing my child cry so we had been going in an feeding him more or giving him his pacifier but he was getting up and screaming 5 or 6 time a night. Last motzei shabbos we agreed on lettin him cry it out. It has been ok, the first night he cried for 50 minutes straight the next a little less. Last night was rough and he woke up at 5 and cried for an hour. Does anyone have any tips? I am nursing if that matters, but he does eat food too and has a full belly before bed. We got a noise machine a few days ago, someone suggested it. He is very attatched to me, probably because I am always with him, and he just wants to be with us at night. Has anyone tried the CIO method? I really don’t like it but my husband and I both need sleep, so does our baby! Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

    #919137

    Let him cry it out. I think it should work.

    #919138

    TheGoq
    Participant

    What is the CIO method?

    #919139

    But you have to be consistent about letting him CIO. If you sometimes give in to him, you are teaching him crying works. If you consistently let him cio, he”ll eventually understand and realize crying doesnt work.

    #919140

    cpno
    Member

    Definitely don’t just let your baby “cry it out”. Look into the Ferber method. It involves letting your baby cry for small intervals of time, and it worked amazingly for us.

    #919141

    MorahRach
    Member

    Goq, CIO is crying it out. And since we have started we have not picked him up but I have gone in to rub his back or give him a pacifier. In the beginning we were picking him up but not since we decided to try to let him cry. Another issue is we have upstairs neighbors who could not be nicer, but they did alert is to the fact that his cryin woke their daughter up..

    #919142

    anon1m0us
    Participant
    #919143

    MorahRach
    Member

    Anon, I totally agree! Omgosh! Everyone I k ow is telling us to let him cry it out even if it takes 2 hours and its killing me. My husband would be happy just to put him in one of our beds ( he’s so cuddly) but I really want him I learn. He was in a pack n play until now, in our room but I guess he knew I was right next to him. Do you have any more info on the Ferber method? I will check it out.

    #919144

    smartcookie
    Member

    Letting a baby CIO is cruel and disgusting. You had a baby, now you have to take care of it forever.

    This isn’t to say that his needs need to be attended to at the first whimper. He is allowed to cry a few minutes. you can let them cya little bit for them to realize that mommy won’t come running at the first sound.

    Sometimes I just calm them down, walk out of the room, and then I keep coming back in to calm them if the crying persists.

    But letting a baby cry for hours is just abusive.

    7 months old is very young. My kids all woke up throughout the night until they were about 2-3 years old, when they were old enough to communicate and understand when I speak to them. At that point I’d explain to them that I will ignore their crying during the night. I tell them that if there’s something urgent they need, they can wake me, otherwise it’s time to sleep.

    No, it’s not easy to be a mother.

    #919145

    thehock
    Member

    anon1m0us is describing the Ferber method. If the baby’s issue is that he is accustomed to one way of going to sleep and needs to be retrained, and the parents feel they want to convey their compassion to the child, this method usually works. Can you explain to the neighbors that you are trying to train him to sleep and maybe a fan or noise machine can get them through the next 2 weeks? It shouldn’t take longer than that.

    #919146

    anon1m0us
    Participant

    Thehock: The Ferber method lets the baby cry; I do not. I have a hybrid of the Ferber Method and “The Baby Whisperer” (a great book for new parents). For example, I do not rock or shake when putting the baby to sleep since this will cause a “crutch” that the baby will expect every time. When you stop, it’ll start crying. I let the baby cry for short periods and then console them but increase the response time going on.

    Interesting tidbit….most NON western countries, babies have skin to skin contact with the mother for 90% of the time until 1.5 years old. The average baby cries in non western countries is 10 seconds per hour! Wow!

    #919147

    golfer
    Participant

    Good luck MorahR! Wishing you many restful hours (sometime in the future), and many happy years with your little guy. I wish I had some good advice for you. I was never able to listen to little ones cry it out. I wouldn’t be as harsh as smartc and call it abusive, as I have heard of other desperate, sleep deprived parents using CIO method, but I’m not sure it’s healthy for you or for your baby. One thing I would tell you, as eventually you may have new little screamers: Don’t let them sleep in your room past 6, max. 10 weeks. It’s so much easier when they’re tiny and you’re nursing to have them right next to you, but once they get used to it, Beware!

    Sigh… smartc is right, it’s not easy to be a mother. But I have yet to find one who would give it up for all the money (and sleep) in the world.

    #919148

    Das
    Member

    I believe the Chazon Ish says you shouldn’t let a baby cry.

    Maybe there’s something comforting you can give him – something familiar, a toy (a mobile), blanket, a water bottle (ppl don’t recommend any other bottles at night) etc, or stay with him til he falls asleep. (Actually this has the opposite effect for me – what works best for me – I put my baby in, give her a blanket & pacifier & leave immediately, otherwise she gets excited that I’m there & it keeps her up.)

    Good Luck!

    #919149

    MorahRach
    Member

    I haven’t read all the responses yet but I appreciate everyone’s help. Smart cookie, there is no need to assume I don’t want the responsibilities of a mother. You jumped down my throat, I am simply asking for advice. I am a first time mother, I don’t appreciate your abrasive tone.

    #919151

    WIY
    Member

    CIO is cruel to the baby and can have long term negative effects. It makes the baby feel abandoned and unloved.

    #919152

    benignuman
    Participant

    We never let any of our children cry it out. My advice is to get the child into a schedule so that they are very tired come bed time. Meaning they must be up from the nap at least six hours before you want them going to sleep for the night. For some kids it might take 7 hours.

    The point is that you get them into a schedule where they are falling asleep in your arms and then you just put them down in their crib.

    #919153

    benignuman
    Participant

    You might also want to try putting pictures of you and your husband in his crib so that he doesn’t feel abandoned.

    #919154

    computer777
    Member

    Babies that age think that you going out of the room means you’re not coming back.

    Though there are methods to deal with this i’m sure, I have never let my child CIO. Ever! I don’t believe it is the right thing to do.

    #919155

    I hereby retract my first comments above supporting CIO. I was mistaking the situation of a toddler crying his way into his parents bedroom, rather than the actual situation of the OP with an infant. With an infant CIO is not a correct approach. But a toddler trying to cry his way into his parents (ie locked) bedroom or bed should be let to cry it out until he understands he cannot go into his parents bedroom or bed.

    #919156

    yaff80
    Participant

    My kid is just over his first birthday, and cries excessively when teething. nothing helps. What we figured out was to give painkiller and put on an MP3 with music on low volume, keeps him quiet until he drops off.

    #919157

    MorahRach
    Member

    Thanks everyone! Just got a chance to read up. I think I will try the Ferber method, or some variation of it. We actually spoke to our neighbors two nights ago and tried to explain, they were very nice about it but they do have 4 young children, so every night we feel horrible.

    Why do so many people reccomended crying it out if its so harsh?

    For those who said I just have to deal with it and I am a mother etc.. You must understand that bH e has been a wonderful sleeper almost since he was born. It’s not like all of a sudden I am demanding sleep. I had him nap in his crib today and it went well maybe that will help with the nights too

    #919158

    flyer
    Participant

    I have let my children cry it out at different times. Very often they will sleep through the night and then get sick or teething and start waking up and then keep on waking up when they are better.

    Just one point – you said he woke up at 5 – 5 is the morning. If he slept till 5 I would feed him and put him back after. Good luck.

    #919159

    MorahRach
    Member

    Thanks everyone! Flyer.. He sleeps until 830 usually and even though he is a nursed baby, has not needed to eat during the night for a few months. I wouldn’t mind putting him in my bed come 5 am but I know that he can fall back asleep. This is all new to me, he was a fabulous sleeper and I know how much he loves sleep. I will try not to let him have his evening nap which is usually around 40 minutes. My husband works late a lot so his bed time is probably a lot later than it should be.

    #919160

    smartcookie
    Member

    Morahrach, I’m so sorry. I apologize for coming across harsh toward you. I so didn’t mean to. You seem to be a great mother and I can see you don’t want to let him CIO from your post.

    My post was directed to mothers in general. The CIO method is becoming so popular. For the one reason that today’s generation doesn’t leave time/patience for their children. We are such a rushed, busy generation, we are losing sight of our priorities.

    I’m talking to myself too.

    Babies cry. All babies do. That’s what they are supposed to do. It hurts me so that the CIO method is so recommended these days. It sickens me.

    #919161

    Ima2many
    Member

    the “no cry sleep solution” was a great book for me. I used it for all of my children. I will add that none of them, also breastfed, have slept through the night at 7 months. They would only wake up once at that point, which I found manageable. Most children do not sleep through the night at 7 months, especially when breastfed.

    #919162

    MorahRach-

    First of all, a belated Mazel Tov! for your bechor.

    May he be a continuing source of nachas for you and your husband.

    I do think it’s mentchlich to do everything reasonably possible (hold/rock your baby, go to a different room, etc.) to ensure your neighbor’s children aren’t woken up.

    #919163

    funnybone
    Participant

    All in favor of CIO: You are teaching your baby two things. First that crying won’t get him anywhere and he should stop crying and go to sleep (it usually works). Second that you don’t care enough about him if he’s uncomfortable and crying.

    Good luck, MorahR

    #919164

    tryinghard
    Member

    Try putting a piece of your old night gown-PJ (whatever you sleep with), with the perfume you use on it, in his crib. That might be good enough for him. I know this worked for some people. Good luck to you!

    #919165

    nudnikit
    Member

    Morah,

    Since you’re a first time mother, you may be feeling a little uncertain about your judgment. Remember that YOU know your baby best!

    There are ways to get a baby to sleep that DO NOT involve crying. “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” is a fantastic resource with multiple methods (you choose what works best for you) to get a baby used to sleeping on his/her own.

    The biggest problem with the Ferber/CIO method (in addition to being mean to the baby, who isn’t crying to manipulate you, just because they are scared/lonely) is that it isn’t permanent. They will need to be retrained again after an ear infection, teething, long trip, etc… Not pleasant for anyone.

    The trick is to teach the baby to fall asleep on their own, but that does NOT require crying.

    I could go on longer on this topic, but please, don’t just let your sweet baby cry and cry in the name of teaching him/her to sleep. Baby is used to nursing to sleep… and now you’re teaching to CRY to sleep. Imagine if it was someone trying to teach you to sleep without a pillow and blanket, or to sleep on the floor. For the baby, YOU are as comfy and reassuring as your bed and pillow and blanket.

    Remember that small babies don’t have a sense of time. There is no such thing as “only 5 minutes.” For a baby, it’s the equivalent of saying “I’ll be back in 2 hours” and then showing up 5 minutes later.

    #919166

    ZeesKite
    Participant

    OUCH X 100!!

    Don’t know about you. I’ve never read any fancy parenting books, I’d NEVER, EVER, EVER leave a baby crying. Yidden are labeled Rachmanim, how it rubs against me. It should rub against any parent. And we’ve had the run, regulars, colicky. As I noted on a different thread, HaShem deals with a person as s/he does. When picking up a crying (undeserving) baby, say to HaShem, “look, my baby’s crying for no good reason, but I can’t stand to ignore it. You too, take note of our crying..”

    Oh, btw, my children, Baruch HaShem, grew up – they don’t cry any more. They’re saturated (spoiled) with feelings of care and love etc., Baruch HaShem.

    #919167

    Health
    Participant

    MR – Search “E-How”. I found two articles regarding this that makes sense. I tried to copy and paste here, but wasn’t allowed.

    #919168

    MorahRach
    Member

    Everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to help me. Smart cookie, thanks! I probably over anylyzed your post due to lack of sleep! 🙂 I really was so not on board with CIO, last week I even cried a few times because I hate listening to him cry and it was so hard for us. My husband and I, after I showed him all of your posts and we did some more research, spoke more to my mother, we decided CIO was definitely not the way to go. Last night I put him in his crib awake after nursing, lately is hasn’t been putting him to sleep, and I said time for shluffy and kissed him and left. A minute later he started crying so I waited a minute then came in, picked him up to kiss him and put him back down, rubbed his back and he fell asleep. He woke up 20 minutes later I did the same snd then… He slept until 9 am!!!! We will see how it goes tonight but I think he just needs reassurance that just because he is not in our room anymore doesn’t mean we disappeared!

    #919169

    ThePurpleOne
    Member

    hi morah rach-

    along w everyone else i ttly discourage cio but if ur going ahead and doing pls make sure theres noone else in that room so they x think that s/os there but not helping them. also if ur letting them cio then do not go in there even for a second cuz thell think u hear them and dont care.

    #919170

    mercury
    Member

    morahrach, thanks for giving me a preview of my upcoming feature presentation!!!!! 🙂 we dont have a second bedroom to put a baby in. so until we can afford to move to a bigger place our baby will have to sleep with us no matter what. er, must be so tough having to choose between teaching him to sleep independantly or letting him cry and then in the end getting his way. i think 7 months is still young and at that point they are bound to wake up and cry for mommy in the middle of the night. i know a couple that had a similar issue. the baby was older tho. atleast a year and a half or so maybe 2. they also tried the CIO method but the problem was shed cry so hard shed throw up. this would go on nightly. so they put the baby back in their room. the pediatrician told them to try again and the next time she throws up they should let her sleep in it. they followed his advice and sure enough she stopped crying through the night. i know this story doesnt help you but the point is babies are smart. your son will take advantage of you. so eventually you WILL have to let him learn and and let him “cry it out”. in the end youll both sleep better. good luck!!!

    #919171

    MorahRach
    Member

    Ahhhh. Everyone. I only tried it for a few short days, don’t worry I’m not a monster! This is my first beautiful little baby Bli ayan harah, I only have a few friends with kids and this was their advice, and my husband and I were never really on board because we think its mean but we tried it because we disnt know what else! BH last night went well with me cuddling him instead and letting him know I was there. I personally am not so against rocking to sleep but he doesn’t need it. Thank you!

    #919172

    anon1m0us
    Participant

    I don’t know why everyone thinks 7 months is too early to sleep through the night. My children, who were all nursed, slept through the night at 6 months and slept from 12:00AM-5:00am by 3 months. It’s a matter of training them.

    #919173

    MorahRach
    Member

    Also I’m not sure if it was overlooked but everyone, until imoved him up to his room he slept through the night for at least 3 months. I don’t think 7 months is too young. Definitely was not a fan of him crying it out. But bH last night was back to normal about 9 hours!

    #919174

    golfer
    Participant

    Hello again MorahR! “Don’t worry I’m not a monster”!! I, for one, don’t think anybody thought you’re a monster. Just new parents trying to find your way through the maze of sleepless nights and endless, often contradictory advice. Now it’s CIO, in a few years there will IY”H be other issues cropping up leaving you befuddled. Sounds to me like you love and adore your little boy and chances are he knows it already. So you already have the most important part of the recipe simmering deliciously.

    Have a restful Shabbos!

    And don’t forget to post in 20 years and let us all know how things turned out!

    #919175

    golfer
    Participant

    The only post that left me with a mild case of shock was the supposed pediatrician who suggested “they should let her sleep in it.” Bad idea in so many different ways! Anyone out there ever heard of parents behaving like that or a pediatrician who would suggest that it’s normal?

    #919176

    “golfer” raises a very valid point.

    Throwing up in the crib can be a choking hazard, and is potentially very dangerous.

    #919177

    mercury
    Member

    golfer, dont look at me. i would never do that to my kid!! im sure other methods they tried just didn’t work and they were out of options. some pediatricians just give bad advice. this wasnt abuse where they made her do this all the time. it was a one time deal that their pediatrician said to try. old enough to learn but young enough not to be traumatized. i dont know exact details if they left her to sleep in it or just let her stay in her crib an extra amount of time before they came to clean her off. im sure as responsible parents they didnt make her sleep in it all night. your right i personally dont agree with this method either but of everything else they tried, this worked. pediatricians aren’t always right. when my brother was little he wouldn’t stop crying. this was at 2 weeks old. what baby doesn’t cry at 2 weeks old? but i mean literally didn’t stop crying and it worried my mother so she took him to the doctor and you know what he said? “hes hungry your breast milk isnt good enough try feeding him solid food”. (this is going back over 30 years) can you imagine feeding a kid baby food at 2 weeks old?! and my mother did! (made his colic worse by the way) pediatricians arent always right but people are naive and listen because “they’re doctors they must know”. anyways the baby is now now 11 years old and is an all around happy active kid.

    #919178

    haifagirl
    Participant

    From “Psychology Today”:

    With neuroscience, we can confirm what our ancestors took for granted—that letting babies get distressed is a practice that can damage children and their relational capacities in many ways for the long term. We know now that leaving babies to cry is a good way to make a less intelligent, less healthy but more anxious, uncooperative and alienated person who can pass the same or worse traits on to the next generation.

    You should read the whole article. You can Google it. It’s called “Dangers of ‘Crying It Out.'”

    #919179

    MorahRach
    Member

    I read the article. Yuck! No CIO for us. We tried it and its just not the best thing for us. BH he has been sleeping better now.

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