# Limericks!

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• #1221119

goldielox
Member

from my friends father

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED TIM,

WHO THOUGHT HE COULD BE VERY SLIM

SO HE WENT TO THE BAKERY

AND ATE A LOT OF CAKERY

AND THEN HE WENT TO THE GYM

#1221120

Participant

Hope this won’t make you say Ow!

But i don’t want my family to have a cow,

So to my dismay,

Being its a short day,

Ill have to log off for now!

Good shabbos everybody!

#1221121

Pashuteh Yid
Member

This thread was about logs, as I recall. Now the stam log is actually the natural log. It is the only one with the magic properties that the exponential has, which is that no matter how many times you differentiate it, it remains the same function.

Some books will write it as log, although others use ln. Matlab will use log10 for the base 10 log function. In complex variables, I think they use log or Log depending on whether it is the single valued or multi-valued function.

Anyway, regarding the magic property of the exponential, the Thomas text on Calculus has this mashal to try to explain it:

A student once came to the guru and asked, what holds up the world. The guru thought for a long time and said, an elephant. The student then asked, well, what holds up the elephant? The guru thought about it, and replied, another elephant. The student then asked, well, what holds up that elephant? The guru thought again and responded, it’s elephants all the way down.

#1221122

Dr. Pepper
Participant

Sorry Blinky, I didn’t realize that there were rules about the length of the lines. Let me try one again:

oomis1105 is thrilled to go on the date,

The Shadchan promised that the guy is great,

But the guy’s a math wizard,

Who’s proud of his lizard,

oomis1105 begins to plan her great escape.

#1221123

oomis
Participant

My dear Dr. Pepper, please note

There’s a slight error in what you wrote.

Though I often sound harried,

I’m very much married.

So dating would sure rock my boat!

#1221124

Member

Lol, these limericks are great

For some more I can’t wait

I’m having a ball

The coffee room is top rate!

Ooooh…that was pretty nebby…

#1221125

Member

This motzei shabbos is long

Come let’s sing a song

Why don’t I go to bed

Is probably what you said

But sleeping so early just sounds wrong!

#1221127

Dr. Pepper
Participant

oomis1105- I was just trying to rhyme

by recalling a post not seen in a long ===>time<===,

I thought it would fly

So I gave it a try

but please forgive me for my crime.

#1221128

Dr. Pepper
Participant

Now oomis1105 if you can end the debate

about bringing ===>Purses on a Date<===

between me and Squeak

we’re up the creek

Thanks, that would be grrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaat!

#1221129

berisbab
Participant

There once was a man from Nantucket

who tripped and fell on bucket

He fell on his face

‘Twas quite a disgrace

‘Cause on his head-forever- G-d stuck it!

#1221130

oomis
Participant

Hey, Doc, purses are greatly needed

This point, by now, should be conceded.

Like scout troops are taught

“Be prepared,”‘s a good thought,

So that thread really should be deleted!

#1221131

The CR’s a stage for many a battle

At the drop of a hat the sabers may rattle

But I have a svora

Avoid loshon hora

And let’s just stick with some meaningless prattle.

#1221132

H Newman
Member

A friend of mine ordered me to post this gem, ascribed to the Fallsberg Oylum:

Do you know the teitch of a shnook?

They each have their eigena kook.

They make up a shita,

Call themselves Shlita,

And make sure their name’s on a book.

#1221133

Ben Torah
Participant

A YOUNG YESHIVA BOCHER NAMED MOSES

DRESSED IN BLACK FROM HIS HEAD TO HIS TOESES.

HE LEARNED DAY AND NIGHT,

EVEN BY CANDLELIGHT,

HE SO TIRED THAT IN CLASS HE JUST DOZES!!

THERE’S A YOUNG JEWISH LADY NAMED CARRIE

TOLD HER FOLKS SHE WAS READY TO MARRY!

HER DAD SAID “COR BLIMEY”

“I HOPE IT’S A HYMIE

AND NOT ANY TOM, DICK OR HARRY”!!

MR.LEVY BUMPED INTO MR. COHEN,

“TELL ME MAX ARE YOU COMING OR GOIN'”

“MY TAX INSPECTER IS DUE

THAT’S ALWAYS A TO-DO,

I’M NOT SURE IF I’M TO-ING OR FRO-ING”!!

THERE’S NO FUTURE FOR OUR MOTHERHOOD,

AS YOUNG GIRLS WILL BE MISUNDERSTOOD.

LOW CUT BLOUSES AND SHORT SKIRTS

MAKE THEM ALL LOOK LIKE FLIRTS,

AND GO AGAINST THE RULES OF THE TALMUD!!

THERE WAS A YOUNG RABBI NAMED HADLEY

WHOSE CONGREGATION TREATED HIM BADLY.

A HOUSE IN A POOR STREET

HE COULD NOT MAKE ENDS MEET,

HE WALKED FROM HIS POST RATHER SADLY.

THE CONGREGATION BUILT A NEW SHUL* *BET KNESSET

THE COMMITTEE SAID “LET’S HAVE A POOL”

THE POOL DREW IN THE FLOCK

AT ALL HOURS OF THE CLOCK,

IT WAS LIKENED TO AN ADULT PLAYSCHOOL!!

#1221134

Participant

(I was bored on shabbos so here goes…)

Who always drank so much vodka

He was asked to step down

Cuz’ he disgraced the town

So now he drinks in America!

#1221135

Participant

berisbab

There once was a man from Nantucket

who tripped and fell on bucket

He fell on his face

‘Twas quite a disgrace

‘Cause on his head-forever- G-d stuck it!

Thanx for ending it! i just couldn’t think of a last line! its perfect!

#1221136

Participant

Im sitting at my desk here at work

Where my boss has a tendency to lurk

I hope im not rude

but im just not in the mood

uh oh here she comes…too bad i can’t shirk!

P.s- Dr. p- for someone who claimed to not do limericks bec. of competing with Squeak you did a pretty fine job!

#1221137

Dr. Pepper
Participant

The fax machine next to us always jammed

and made noises we couldn’t stand

we ripped off the thing

and each took a swing

and two co-workers were canned.

#1221138

Dr. Pepper
Participant

Today we’re getting a visit from the Bobs,

Consultants who wish to slash jobs,

But I have people skills,

and lots of bills,

What a bunch of snobs!

#1221139

WellInformedYid You have time for this?

Arent you busy earning the “Greatest ????? of the Decade Award” alerting people about Halacha that is ignored”?

#1221140

Member

I’m eating and eating a whole day,

And then I wonder how much I weigh,

I gained some new pounds

I just donno my bounds

Please hold while I go put my food away….

#1221141

Member

Ok, I’m hungry no more,

That I know for sure,

I ate enough,

All different stuff,

Now let’s see how long I won’t open that cabinet door….

#1221142

Participant

The Shadchan is getting dizzy

Talking to a Mom whose in a tizzy

Her questions of height, and size

And the girls color eyes

And is still wondering why her son is never “busy”!

#1221143

if cigarettes you like to toke

question health scares as just a joke

well, heres the answer

they sure cause cancer

don’t let your life go up in smoke

When you race for a subway seat

a dirty trick that can’t be beat

is sneeze and cough

to scare ’em off

and garlic breath’s an added treat

A general named George A. Custer

was arrogant and full of bluster

His Waterloo?

he dissed the Sioux

Now he’s a scalpless injun buster

#1221144

thinking jew
Member

I made these up many years ago when I was in school.

Let us wonder for arguements sake

why ___ _____(fill in name of school) had so many rules to make

for if there were none

It would be no fun

for there would be no rules to break!

Mommy had 12 children too many

quite often she whished she had not any

when they jumped on her “Kup”

she just got fed up

and sold each one for a penny!

#1221145

Baal Boose
Participant

I cant believe i read this, but since i did here is one i like.

A flea and a fly in a flue;

Were stuck so what could they do;

Said the flea;”let us fly”,

Said the fly; “let us flee”,

So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

#1221146

basmelech
Participant

There once was girl named Chanie

Who wanted to be a Mommy

She got married at twenty

and now just wants to be Granny

#1221147

basmelech
Participant

There once was a Cat in a Hat

Who made a mess in someone’s flat

He got Thing one and Thing two

to clean up the whole zoo

And then he skiddaddled -Stat!

#1221148

basmelech
Participant

I know my rhymes are inane

but, at least I am not insane

I am really quite smart

in music and art

but poetry is just not my game

#1221149

LAer
Member

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket.

But his daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,

The man and the girl with the bucket;

And he said to the man,

He was welcome to Nan,

But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,

Where he still held the cash as an asset,

But Nan and the man

Stole the money and ran,

And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

Of this story we hear from Nantucket,

About the mysterious loss of a bucket,

We are sorry for Nan,

The cash and the bucket, Pawtucket.

Get it?

#1221150

emoticon613
Member

did you make that UP?

#1221151

Shticky Guy
Participant

Its a favourite project of mine

A new value of ‘pi’ to assign

I would fix it at 3

For its simpler you see

Than at 3.14159

An exceedingly large friend of mine

When asked at what hour he’d dine

He replied at 11

And at 3, 5 and 7

Then at 8 and again after 9

A school boy who lived in Japan

His limericks never would scan

When they asked him “but why?”

He would say with a sigh

“Its because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”

#1221152

Pumpkins are good for a pickin’

And in pies for finger lickin’

But on halloween

Some think it should not be seen

In a nice frum Jewish kitchen

#1221153

LAer
Member

emoticon, nope, I’m not that talented. I read it somewhere. I think it was part of an ongoing newspaper contest or something.

#1221154

Participant

LAer- very funny, i still like “….who tripped on a bucket” one!

#1221155

Participant

I was impressed how this thread got full

So i sat down and began to mull

And i feel sick

As most of whats here is not even the original!

(thanks to those who made theirs up!)

#1221156

minyan gal
Member

vnishmartemmeod:

Of that pumpkin you spoke of before

I just picked one up at the store

And on Hallowe’en

In my kitchen t’will be seen

Baked – and served with butter galore

#1221157

minyan gal
Member

I just thought of another along the same lines.

Allow me to give some advice

On a topic thats not very nice

On October three one

Jewish kids have no fun

But next day the candy’s half price!

#1221158

oomis
Participant

Blinky, it isn’t so hard

Pretending that I am The Bard,

Though Shakespeare I’m not

When put on the spot,

I seem to have let down my guard.

#1221159

I’m really impressed with this thread

I can’t get the thought out of my head

what really good clean fun

Think, type and done

And no lashon hara gets said

#1221160

Minyan gal, I wanted to mention

thank you for the specific attention

for taking your precious time

to respond by limerick rhyme

and releasing some of my pumpkin tension

#1221161

minyan gal
Member

Once again I say Shabbat Shalom

My wish is for peace in your home

And tonight when you dine

And sip of your wine

Pray for those who are all alone.

#1221162

Most posts here are not plagiarized

No raunchy ones now bowdlerized

We wrote them fresh

Made the rhymes mesh

For this our efforts should be prized

#1221163

squeak
Participant

Tommy’s a bit of an oddball

Not just because he ain’t tall

It his bowtie and vest,

the flower pinned to his breast,

that makes him stand out ‘mongst us all.

#1221164

minyan gal
Member

This morning while sitting at the beauty salon (with color on my hair – so it was a long sit) I was very bored, so I took out a pen and……

I know you may think me a bore

For I’ve spoken of this once before

On All Hallow’s Eve

Just get up and leave

And you won’t have to answer the door.

Three brothers named X, Y and Z

Wed sisters called A, B and C

When their families grew

They knew just what to do

And called their kids 1, 2 and 3.

Part 1

I’ve always got a sore back

I kvetch when I carry a pack

The doctor said “Rest”

I said “Surely you jest”

For a personal servant I lack.

Part 2

He said I have warned you before

That your back will always be sore

For shlepping’s a no-no

And bending’s just so-so

And you’ll hurt till you do this no more.

#1221165

minyan gal
Member

I’m Bubby to two boys that love me

Even though they tower above me

For they’r very tall

And I’m very small

And they have to bend over to hug me.

#1221166

minyan gal
Member

This thread is making me crazy

My brain is all clouded and hazy

For now all the time

I speak strictly in rhyme

And my friends want me taken away-zy

#1221167

minyan gal
Member

Question for the Mods:

I can’t stop composing these silly limericks. Do I qualify for a name change? Instead of a “member” I would love to be known as a

“limericist”. (I don’t even think such a word exists but if one can be a lyricist, then why not?)

#1221168

oomis
Participant

“I can’t stop composing these silly limericks”

I know what you mean, Gal of Minyan

I can’t stop this limerick inyan.

Would you tell me, please

Is this some rare disease?

I would just like your honest opinion!

#1221169

Imanonov
Participant