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Why is it that people knock their Mother in Law? Can they really be that bad? BH I get along great with mine! I find that if you be nice to her then you get along well and she doesnt bother you! Does anyone disagree or has a bad experience with their Mother in Law?
I think the main reason that there is friction between mother in laws and daughter in laws is because there is sooooo much talk about it you get married and automatically expect things to be like that. The minute a couple gets engaged the jokes start. Ive been to so many sheva berachot where the speeches are mother in law jokes! Im not saying all mother in laws are perfect but at least give them a chance!
And why is it that people find it funny to make marriage sound like the worst thing that happened to mankind? Even worse is the fact that they find a Sheva Brachos the best time for this.
I agree with best ima and I got along very well with my mother in law…untill recently when I found out that she did something really unforgivable. And I dont know if I ever can forgive her for the rest of my life.
I once heard that it’s brought down somewhere that a MIL and DIL naturally don’t get along because the DIL takes over the son and continues to take care of him and she gets any furthur Schar.
I’m not sure if this is legit, and if someone knows more about it, please share. It happens to make sense though.
I B”H get along beautifully with my MIL and most people I know also do. So maybe it’s just time for a change in attitude?
a mother invests her heart and Neshama and all her efforts, focuses most of her attention, thoughts, care and life on her son.
then some strange woman comes from nowhere and the son seems to care more about her than her mother, spends all his time with her, not his mother
its only natural (though wrong) for the mother to feel resentful.
NA right!
I hate when my married friends send me these marriage emails! I wouldn’t want to read them! I BH am married happily.. Who needs the narishkeiten? Not sure who they make them up for.. my single friends.. why give them the wrong impression. married ones.. who needs this garbage!?
I get along great with my MIL. I would give a tip to any Kalla. Call your MIL “mommy..” right away she likes it and tada easy as..
Mod 80 but why?? Doesnt every mother want their son to get married and be happy? They go crazy to find good shiduchim for them and only pick THE BEST girl so WHY do they resent that girl?????????? I have 2 amazing daughter in laws and when i see how happy they make my sons i love them even more. Because of some messed up logic i should resent that the’re making my boys so happy?? Do i want them to make them miserable? Then why work so hard to marry them off in the first place??
of course best ima of course
nevertheless you can see why it would be difficult for some mothers-in-law?
Yeah Mod i guess i can. My mother in law was like that till i won her over and she saw i wasnt taking her son away from her! But still its sad to see so many unhappy people when they can just think about it and see theres no reason to feel like that. (Well in most cases theres no reason!)
Monsey Review
It must be very hard for you.
It has to work both ways. It was a known fact that my MIL was not the easiest person but I tried very hard to get along with her and treat her with respect. Unfortunately, these feelings were not reciprocated on her part. So after years of trying and only getting complaints, I just gave up and had as little to do with her as possible. It may sound sad, but she hurt me too many times to care anymore.
Smartcookie,
Your right it is brought down.
In fact, I stand to be corrected but I once heard that if a MIL tells her DIL that her husband was killed in battle, she shoudnt believe her. Written somewhere.
Can someone either confirm or deny? Think thats what I once heard someone say…
it is indeed a Gemorrah, i dont recall it too well but i believe it has to do with whether or not Bais Din will accept testimony from her because of the natural dislike of a MIL for a DIL (which of course a natural tendency is no excuse for improper behavior)
notedaskan- theres probably no reason – its usually meant as a joke
I also recall hearing that a sister in law is also Posil Eidus,
It is really up to the “man” in the middle to make sure there is peace and harmony in the relationship. He shouldn’t be caught up in the middle, however from the very beginning he should make sure that his mother knows how much his wife means to him and he will not tolerate any discord between them and the same goes for the wife. If he makes that clear from the beginning they should both be on their best behavior because he is not going to take sides. However, his obligation is to side with his wife.
That is his obligation, on the other hand IMHO, it is the MIL’s obligation to set the tone and make the DIL feel safe and secure in the relationship. That was not the case with my MIL and I cried each and every time I came home from a visit. Unfortunately she was very ill, which I did not know from the start and she died very early in my marriage. We did not have an opportunity to build our relationship. As bad as it was, I would have given anything to have her around.
So when it came to MY turn as a MIL, I made a decision to LOVE the spoused my children chose to LOVE and to respect them because they were now part of my family. I have very strong relationships with all of them. I am very careful NOT to step on their toes, to honor and respect them, and to treat their children according to their rules. I always ask “does mommy let, or go ask mommy”. I don’t do things behind mommy’s back. If the grandkids act out, I advise them to apologize to mommy. But my DIL’s caught on very quickly and ask “Did Bobby tell you to apologize?”. That is also part of chinuch.
As far as MIL with too much of an opinion. Try saying “Thank you, I will think about that” without really making a commitment, and then maybe try to give it some thought. She might not be wrong. Or “I might just try that some time” that will satisfy her and she will feel needed and respected and you will not have committed to anything. By doing that you still maintain control while giving her a sense of being helpful and useful.
When I try to impart words of wisdom, i try to be tactful and say “If you would like some help with that, or if you were to ask, I would advise that you….Its just an option you might want to try, no pressure its just a suggestion, it worked for me. Or I might say, “would you like me to show you what worked for your husband?” We have already established a good relationship so there is no sense of my taking control, and they do appreciate the help. In addition, I am not offering in a threatening way. And I don’t get insulted when they don’t apply my methods. But because I don’t push it, they have used many of my methods, along with methods their own mothers showed them. Their philosophy is do what works.
One of my DIL’s decided not to nurse her second. In addition the infant to long sleep stretches by day. I wasn’t thrilled with the schedule they worked out but my DIL had a “C” section, it was her second and I kept my mouth shut. I already imparted my words of wisdom the first time around. After one week, my son burst into my home one night at 11 pm carrying the baby who was crying. I asked where his wife was. He said at home, make her stop crying. She screams every night at this time and we can’t get her to stop crying, what is wrong with her. I told him to hold the baby for a minute and went into the kitchen to make her a bottle.
I took the baby and soothed her and gave her a bottle. I told him the baby was starving because she missed ONE whole feeding every day. Since she took such long naps during the day it knocked out one whole feeding from the schedule and by night time her tiny belly was complaining. He asked me why I didn’t tell her. I said I wasn’t going to mix in, she worked this out with her mom, and she had to figure out the baby’s schedule on her own. The very next day my DIL did not let her sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch during the day and things got better.
There is a Gemara that says a woman once gave her daughter in law an oil that smelled good and was also extremely flammable. She told her to anoint herself and smell good for her husband. After she had done so, she asked her to go light all the lamps in the home. The daughter-in-law did so, caught on fire, and died.
Wow FeifUn wonder whose side the husband took in that case.
‘A daughter is a daughter all your life. A son is a son till he finds a wife’
Feif Un, that’s terrible, why did you bring that up?
Feif Un,
Powerful stuff!
I feel like the mods are my-in-laws
I know they love me, but have a hard time showing it.
they’ll come around 🙂
Shevet HaKehosi – When Your Wife And Parents Cannot Get Along
If every time a man’s parents come over to his house to visit they cause a fight with his wife, and inevitably cause Sholom Bayis issues between him and his wife, may he tell his parents that they should not come anymore?
The Shevet HaKehosi brings the Rambam (Ishus 13:14) who paskens that if a women complains that she does not want her husband’s mother and sister to come to their home because they cause her grief, we listen to her because a person cannot be forced to have unwanted people sit in their premises. The Shulchan Aruch (EH 74:9) agrees with the Rambam and adds that this applies even the husband’s father. The Bais Meir says that the Rambam only wrote about the mother-in-law and sister-in-law because in halacha they are considered a natural nemesis.
The Rema adds a caveat and says that this is only if Bais Din verifies that in fact they are the ones causing machlokes, otherwise we do not listen to her because it is her husband’s mitzva and she should not interfere without valid grounds. Bais Din in that case sends someone to investigate the true nature of the feud.
The Shevet Hakehosi says that the Rema is only talking about a case where the husband says that it is his wife that is initiating the machlokes. If however the husband agrees with his wife, then she needs no further proof in order to insist that her in-laws do not to come by anymore. This sad request should of course be delivered with the utmost sensitivity and respect by either the husband or the wife.
Important Note: We try to convey the Tshuva to the best of our ability. We admit that our understanding may not be accurate. One should learn the tshuva to verify the accuracy of our interpretation. Please also understand that this Tshuva may not be the final word on this topic. One should consult a Rav before drawing any conclusions.
http://revach.net/halacha/tshuvos/Shevet-HaKehosi-When-Your-Wife-And-Parents-Cannot-Get-Along/3997
I heard from Rav Shaul Kagan zt”l,
The reason why they call MIL in Yiddish “schvigger” is because it was the ugliest sounding word they could find :>
I heard a joke that is applicable to this discussion.
Why, when Yosef had his dream about all his brothers bowing down, was Dinah not included?
Dinah was Yosef’s wife Osnos’s mother. This goes to show that even in your dreams your mother-in-law will never bow down to you.
How do you say father in law in Yiddish- Shver
How do you say mother in law- Gur shver
Very funny, Yeshivaguy1.
I was zochah to have wonderful, loving in-laws, and so was my husband. The secret? We each treated the other parents as we wanted our own parents treated, that is to say, with kovod, with thoughtfulness, and with love. They, in turn, treated us the same way.
My dear MIL O”H, was bedridden for the last thirt-five years of her life, and was blind also. I made sure we came to visit every Sunday, and whenever I gave birth, we always stopped by their house on the way home from the hospital, so my MIL could “hold” the baby (with help, of course, as she couldn’t feed herself). This was a very big deal to her, and though it was a little difficult for me, and out of the way to go there, it was worth the nachas it gave her to be part of the baby’s birth. I also called every single day to tell her of each latest chochma, even when there was nothing new to tell, because it kept her in the loop to ehar from emn each day. I am not saying this to boast about what a great DIL I was,(though I think I was), but rather to show how by being giving, you can forge a wonderful and loving relationship. Believe me, I got the love back ten-fold. And my husband acted the same way to my parents and they adored him.
Oomis, I’m deeply impressed by how much effort both you and your husband put into your relationship with your in-laws. However, as other posters have noted, sometimes even the greatest efforts on the part of the daughter-in-law will not result in a good relationship. My husband’s parents unfortunately criticized me to my face and behind my back to my husband. I endured it for my husband’s sake and because I felt it was good for my children to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents. We continued to visit with them for a week or more at a time (at their insistence) and to host them for similarly long visits.
When they decided to take their dislike for me out on my children, mocking my daughter to her face, I finally found the courage to limit their contact with myself and my children.
I always thought this mother-in-law thing was picked up from non-Jews. I didn’t hear it by Jewish people growing up, but I did hear lots of negative jokes about marriage and mothers-in-law from other groups.
Anon, thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about what your own experience has been. Sometimes one has to cut one’s losses. You still need to be respectful (as per kibud av in the torah, even when the Av or Em is not so nice), but you can do what you are doing and limit the interaction between you.
Have you tried to write them a letter expressing your hurt, giving examples of what they have done (i.e., mocking your daughter, which is a BIG thing in my eyes, more than if they mocked me)?
Oomis, it’s true that when my in-laws were just nasty to me I didn’t have the courage to keep my children away from them, even when they interfered in my marriage. But when they saw that I ignored it they escalated by attacking my kids, and that’s when I found my backbone.
Unfortunately I know from a negative experience with my husband’s sister (long story short: she told my husband that I had no bitachon and did not love my children, because I would not quit the job that was supporting our family to live on government programs) that if I put anything in writing with these people they will twist it against me.
I did feel very guilty about limiting contact but after consulting both a rav and a therapist I was told that limited, carefully supervised phone calls and visits are the only type of contact they should have with my children.
anonforthis, has your husband always been supportive in your efforts to limit your children’s contact with their grandparents?
I just lost my mother in law recently and I am absolutely devastated. She was my second mother and I truly miss her. She never interfered. So be happy that you still have one…..unless she is a machashaifa (of course)
After reading these posts, all I can say is that Eeees and I are truly, truly blessed. I always got along fantastic with my in-laws* and she always got along with my parents and my stepmother.
Not once in our near-twenty years of marriage has there been any friction between Eeees and my parents or myself and my in-laws. I only hope and pray that this continues onward forever.
The Wolf
* Interestingly, the first time I met my father-in-law-to-be was when he was sitting shiva for his father. I guess I sufficiently impressed him enough that night. I’m told that that night he told Eeees that he approves of me. 🙂
Gabboim, not so much initially, but now he is. Of course he speaks to and visits his parents frequently, as his work schedule allows, just without us.
A related joke:
Why is a FIL called shver and the SIL called eidim?
At the tenaim the FIL promises x years of support. After the wedding he reneges and the SIL takes him to bet din. The FIL says he never promised anything so bet din tells the SIL “SHVER” (swear a shvuas hessiss so you can take the money). The son-in-law answers “I don’t have to. I have EIDIM that he promised me!”
I just lost my mother in law recently and I am absolutely devastated. She was my second mother and I truly miss her. “
I am truly sorry for your loss. When my mom died, only my husband and I were with her, and I had never witnessed such grief pouring out of him before. Love is love, whether by blood ties or by heart.
the mother of a boy and his new wife (or affianced) engage in a turf war where the turf is the boy.
Every mother of a boy has a mixture of natural feelings when he prepares to marry.
The wise mother will soon realize what is going on, and that the natural feelings that occur to her (e.g. that girl is not good enough for my boy) are not legitimate feelings, and should not come between her and her daughter-in-law. The smart mother-in-law will never vocalize it, and will surrender graciously, preferably before the serious fighting has begun.
My own mother had about 36 hours of these feelings but she expressed them only to me. She expressed them kindly and with love. At the end of the 36 hours she surrendered graciously and my wife-to-be never knew that a shot had been fired. They get along with each other just swell, thanks to the wisdom and self-restraint of my mother.
I have some problems with my mother-in-law. They are the same legitimate problems that my wife has with her mother and I am clearly on my wife’s side. I suppose I married the problems. However, I never let them get in the way of my relationship with my m-i-l and I always treat her with the respect I treat my own mother. She is pretty happy with me since her daughter is happy with me.
Feif Un,
YOur story reminds me so much of how typical it is when it comes to shidduchim and there is a problem with a boy
. The MIL refrains from giving that info, doesnt give it to the shadchan either.
If her daughter were to be privy to such info she would NEVER withhold it.The DIL’s happiness is apparantly not so important.
‘A son is a son all your life. A daughter is a daughter till she finds a spouse’
So right- I disagree. Married daughters always turn back to Mom for advice, suppers, shmoozing, and mommying!
A married son though has a wife to take care of him now and doesn’t need his mother as much.
A duaghter is a duaghter all your life. A son is a son till he finds a wife.
Pleaser refer to my previous post…
I disagree. A son has to listen to his parents first. A daughter has to listen first to her husband. Jewish Law 101.
So right- it’s got nothing to do.
Boys usually do follow everything their parents teach them to, but that doesn’t mean he close to them.
A daughter usually stays very close to her mother, even when following her husband.
A lot of people seem to have gotten off point here.
My sense is that a DIL & MIL & SIL have natural friction that is acknowledged in the Torah.
If not for the one common point that brought them together — the spouse / son / brother, they most probably would not ever come to the point of friction. Either they’d befriend one another or have nothing to do with each other.
Therefore, it is the spouse/son/brother ‘s obligation & responsibility to smooth things over. His obligation is clearly stated in the Torah — it is primarily to his wife. This takes precedance over his parents.
No one said that the DIL / MIL / SIL must love one another. However, they should act respectfully to one another.
And if the unfortunate happens & the friction arises, and a man must “choose” or take sides, it better be the side of his wife he chooses to stick by.
Because if he doesn’t, the road for him is being paved downhill, to the point where he may find that he doesn’t have a wife to stick by.
And one last thing — it truly is in the MIL / SIL hands to begin with….If they open up their hearts & family to the stranger in question — aka the wife of the son / brother, chances are all will be well or at least a cold peace will exist.
The MIL should be smart, not self-centered — bottom line. The SIL should “get a life” and not make her brother’s miserable.
Veyidabeik Beishto requires a person to cling first and foremost to his WIFE.
If his parents are interfering between him and his wife. He is mechuyav to take the side of his WIFE.
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