June 2, 2011 5:17 am at 5:17 am #597229
I’ve been reading posts on the coffee room for awhile now but I finally made an account yay 😀 Anyways, I just have a pressing matter that I need a few people to bounce the idea off of. Basically I’m a girl, 15 years old and I decided to upgrade my tznius this year but I’m scared to freak out my mom and start wearing tights in the summer-it’s just something I’d really love to do. The thing is, my parents and I are all on different levels and whatever. Btw my mom doesn’t wear skirts but she’s totally supportive and awesome I love her! She really is accepting with the way I dress but I don’t want her to think I’m going all BP on her (not saying there’s anything wrong with BP lol) I got away with it throughout the winter and spring because it’s so cold outside but now that the heat is coming in I’m getting a bit nervous! Any ideas of what to do? Slash any tips on how to casually bring it up with my parents if they ask?June 2, 2011 2:35 pm at 2:35 pm #775719commonsenseParticipant
it sounds like your mother is supportive of you so are you sure she will bother you about it? As the mother of teen age girls there are many times my girls do things that i think are crazy but i leave them alone because they are teen agers and teen agers do what teen agers do. (I am talking about things like wearing sweaters all day when it is 90 degrees outside). anyway Kol Hakovod to you, i hope you start a trend that is catching. lots of luck!June 2, 2011 2:41 pm at 2:41 pm #775720A Heimishe MomParticipant
Wearing hose when you get “dressed” during the summer shouldn’t seem that odd in general. I wore hose through many summer of business dress. Clear hose go rather well under socks and sneakers as well – I’ve done that too.June 2, 2011 2:44 pm at 2:44 pm #775721bptParticipant
Tell her you’re going “Monroe” and then as a compromise, tell her you’ll “settle” for BP.
Or you can tell her, its so you can get into the top, A++ sem, which is always a slamdunk for pushing thru extreme ideas on parents.June 2, 2011 2:51 pm at 2:51 pm #775722adorableParticipant
dont have anything to say about what to tell your mother but make sure to be respectful and remember that you still have a mitzva of kibud av vaim. I respect you tremendously!June 2, 2011 3:02 pm at 3:02 pm #775723
OMGosh thank u so much for all your ideas yay!! That sounds like some amazing advice! I was talking to a Morah once who told me that she didn’t really start wearing them until seminary and that I should wait 3 more years, but it feels weird to me. I mean, since I’ve been wearing them throughout the winter my legs feel bare now and I get really embarrassed. I don’t wanna freak out my parents so I’m scared to bring it up. In regards to “bpt”‘s answer-I just graduated ninth grade now so I think the seminary idea may be amazing when I’m a junior/senior 😀
I’ve also been browsing through some of the previous tznius threads and everyone seems to be in disagreement over what color they have to be, how thick, shiny, not shiny. How do you know which person to follow? If I’m just starting do I follow the strictest opinion?
Sorry these posts are long >.<June 2, 2011 3:31 pm at 3:31 pm #775724gefenParticipant
weasleylove: do you have a rebbetzin or a mentor you can speak with? you asked if you should start with the strictest opinion since you are just starting out with this. obviously i’m no posek (posekes? 🙂 ) but i would imagine you could start off more leniently (in this case anyway, not all areas of religion are open to leniency). are you not comfortable wearing knee highs as long as your skirt is long enough? i’m not trying to persuade you chas v’shalom to do something less than you want to – i’m just asking. i myself wear knee highs even in winter cuz i just hate the feel of tights. but anyway – you’d be best off asking someone who knows a lot more than i do. hatzlacha to you. you sound like a wonderful girl.June 2, 2011 3:40 pm at 3:40 pm #775725JOLLY RANCHERMember
Hi weasly love! i first of all want to comment on how much i look up tp you for making this step. If you want to do something like this and have agoal in mind then JUST DO IT! Dont wait till your out of highschool and dont think about what anyone else will think about you! Do it for yourself, it may feel wierd at first but after afew days you will walk around with pride and feel so good about yourself. You wont be able o imagine how you never tights before.June 2, 2011 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #775726apushatayidParticipant
“How do you know which person to follow?”
The morah you mentioned before, might be a good place to start.June 2, 2011 4:13 pm at 4:13 pm #775727oomisParticipant
There is nothing wrong with knee high socks or stockings. They don’t have to be full pantihose. But here is my recommendation. Make your changes slowly. Gradual acceptance of standards makes for a) a more permanent change and b) greater acceptance by others.
You yourself recognize this when you say you don’t want your mom to think you’re going “all BP on her,” (whatever that implies). You avoid that issue, by increasing bit by bit what you choose to change.
There is nothing wrong with regular stockings. They don’t HAVE to be black or thick. Your skirts have to be long enough to cover the subject properly, but regular socks may be perfectly adequate halachically in someone who wears a long enough skirt.
I know there are many who would advise you, just go for it, wear the most stringent cover up for your legs that you can. But you asked for advice on how to accomlish this without upsetting your mother, whose kovod is unquestionably important to you. I believe the best way to do that is by “desensitizing” her little by little. JMO.June 2, 2011 4:19 pm at 4:19 pm #775728YW Moderator-80Member
lets please keep this to matters of chizuk and not details of dress. the details she can discuss privately, not in a public mixed forum. thank youJune 2, 2011 4:23 pm at 4:23 pm #775729goldenkintMember
good for you. its always good to grow , especially in tsnius. i know a girl who was zocheh to meet her husband specifically becuz she decided to grow in tznius so one boy who didn’t like the look turned her down, and the next one was her bashert. may you always grow in Torah and Mitzvot. and be sure to give your parents lots of love and respect as you are required to.June 2, 2011 4:40 pm at 4:40 pm #775730oomisParticipant
Mod 80, respectfully, that is precisely the advice she needs. She wants to know details of how to dress so accommodate both her religious needs and her mother’s sensibilities.June 2, 2011 5:22 pm at 5:22 pm #775731Baal BooseParticipant
I wouldn’t reply, but I deal with teens so I will.
First remember you’re doing something you have a feeling for, and something that is a fundamental of the beautiful part of yiddishkiet. so you dont have to be worried if you’ll have the right approach, just go with the issue, and since you have valuable and credible merchandise (yahadus) to sell, it will carry. Of course being tznius goes part and parcel with talking in a courteous and respectful manner.
Its people like you who give us a good name, and personify and manifest all that is good.
The first approach would be to put forth why you feel so, but in a personal sense.
Example; “mom, I feel so weird going out exposed. It just feels embarrassing”. Also “I hate when people look at my legs, or stare at me. its sooo creepy’.
(If true- Use reverse teen; say all my friends are wearning this.)
Or -(on a different day, otherwise you will freak her out) mom, doesnt it feel so dignified when im – or you- dressed properly? and also I know when someone talks to me, he is treating me like a person.
Or “why do people go out dressed short and then tug it down all the time, if they’re uncomfortable why do they dress like that? Are people really so enslaved to fashion like that?”
Are you in an atmosphere where you mix with boys? if yes tell mom (and dad – you have no idea how supportive dads can be.)you want to keep away the psycho-s.
Psst; little secret; dads are so easy, an occasional smile, a short DMC, and no “deliberate in your face”, he is sooo owned. Like butter under a hot knife.
I hope this helps.
Lastly; keep searching- always. ENjoy the journey, being frum promotes happiness and is not an antithesis.
editedJune 2, 2011 5:49 pm at 5:49 pm #775732
I never thought I’d actually get answers, it means THE WORLD to me that everyone is taking time out of their day to lend their opinions!!!!
commonsense-my mom is supportive about the way I dress, and so is my father but sometimes our ideas tend not to match up! Like I wear light cardigans and sweaters and everyone thinks I’m dressing like it’s winter! But I’m totally comfy and I don’t feel so warm in them!
A Heimishe Mom-thank you so much for that advice!
Gefen-I have a Rebbetzin to talk to but not really a Morah figure. Does that make sense? For halachot I go to my rebbetzin but for chizuk I just tend to read random posts on the coffee room/browse online! Jolly rancher-thanks for those words, you rock!
apushatayid- I haven’t really talked to that Morah since last summer so I don’t know how to just out of the blue call her again!
oomis1105-Wow thanks soo much!!! You’re totally right about gradual change! Sorry I’m so talkitive and my posts are extremely long but I just wanted to thank ALL of you!!!!!!! Amazing people you all are!
editedJune 2, 2011 5:57 pm at 5:57 pm #775733YW Moderator-80Member
you are right
that is precisely the advice she needs
but not in an inappropriate way, in an inappropriate place
while men listen in
and if it continues this thread will have to be closed
i have deleted so many posts alreadyJune 2, 2011 9:39 pm at 9:39 pm #775734observanteenMember
Weasleylove: Wow,wow,wow!! I’m AMAZED at your strong character! I highly doubt I’d have the courage to do what you’re doing. I GREATLY admire you! I’m not really sure what you should do with your parents, but I think you should try showing them that you still love and admire them.
Hatzlacha Rabba Meod!!! May Hashem repay you for the tremendous karbon you’re bringing.June 2, 2011 11:02 pm at 11:02 pm #775735Midwest2Participant
It’s interesting that Mod is unhappy with specifics because the thread is getting too “detailed,” when it’s precisely the details that the poster is interested in.
One solution might be for the Mod to somehow indicate that a particular thread is “ladies only – if you’re a guy proceed at your own risk.” Of course, then you might need to have a lady Moderator 😉 Or are some of the Moderators ladies unbeknownst to us?June 2, 2011 11:43 pm at 11:43 pm #775736Mother in IsraelMember
Mod 20 is a lady.June 3, 2011 12:39 am at 12:39 am #775737whatelseisleftMember
Just make sure that it’s what you really actually want for your self and are ready for it.Make sure you aren’t just doing it for your friends or someone you look up to
I know a girl that was/ is in a very similar situation.
She went from a not so tzius place to wearing tights verrrry quickly.
Right now she is struggling because she started to drop the tights and etc.
Work towards it but make sure that you are up to that because the easier you manage to get there the easier it is to cv’s fall back down.
but you can do it.
your parents love you no matter what – just remember — derech eretz chadam l’torah. = don’t be rude / disrespectful to your parents during your growthJune 3, 2011 1:34 am at 1:34 am #775738YatzmichMember
A lot of Hatzlocho on this endeavor.
One suggestion: It’s better not to wait until your parents ask what this is all about. I think your case would be better served if you approach the subject before it becomes an “issue.”June 3, 2011 3:54 am at 3:54 am #775739
Weasleylove i really can’t believe it.. i’m sort of going through the SAME situation-it’s crazyy!
i didn’t know what to do and i asked advice from a teacher before Pesach(i was scared because it wasn’t really winter anymore and my mother would think i was crazy)
the teacher told me to say, “I just feel more comfortable,” or “all my friends are doing it”-
I’m also lucky because in the camp i’m working in, you have to wear tights -so I’m excited that i get to use that as an excuse!:D
[even though my mother insists on calling the camp director :(, but i told my mother i might get fired from my first job;) }
i really hope you have an easy time , and that we both have good luck in the futureJune 3, 2011 4:42 am at 4:42 am #775740
Seriously everyone thank you beyond WORDS!!!! Keep on rocking and bringing nachas to the Borei Olam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All your advice has really been helping me!
Baal Boose-thank you for all those helpful tips!! I’ll try them out if the situation presents itself bli neder!!! In regards to your question-I’m in an all girls school so bH not around guys!!
Observanteen-thank you so much for that beautiful bracha!
Whatelseisleft-Yasher koach to your friend!! I hope she continues to grow closer to Hashem through her tznius and gradually is able to come to terms with the pace that she is able to work on new areas in her yahadus!!
Yatzmich-thanks for the advice!
brotherofurs-SUCH hasgacha pratis that you commented on this thread!! I’m so happy to hear of your mother’s acceptance!!! Your teachers advice seems great! I’m super happy that your camp makes you wear tights!! I’m working at a modern camp so the girls unfortunately don’t have a tznius dress code to abide to but there will be some frum counselors to be around with so hopefully it won’t be TOO bad!
I called my rebbetzin today and she told me that if I personally feel comfortable starting I should! But I shouldn’t make a neder to wear each day, rather each day take it slowly and say “today I’m going to wear…” then the next day “today I’m going to wear…” etc etc!June 3, 2011 2:46 pm at 2:46 pm #775741adorableParticipant
good job! we are rooting for you!June 3, 2011 9:22 pm at 9:22 pm #775742
ur so cute that u answer everyone! 🙂 i know it really is cool that we’re are going through almost the same exact situation (same age and everything!)
i’m so excited for you! and i’ll try some of Your advice ;)and B”H it will be okay 😀 good luckJune 3, 2011 11:38 pm at 11:38 pm #775743
brotherofurs-YOU ARE SOO SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best of luck on your AMAZING endeavor AHHH so excited for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry that I’m asking super duper amounts of questions, but does anyone have an issue/objection/argument with wearing dresses in the summer but no tights? So the dress would be covering ur whole leg but you’d be wearing sneakers/flats underneath! Slash what’s the issue with patterned tights? I’ve seen in the store cool printed tights!
Hope everyone has a beautiful Shabbos kodesh 😀 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!June 5, 2011 10:15 pm at 10:15 pm #775745hanabMember
Weasley & Brother, kol hakovod. I just want to say that it’s very important not to jump madregos but to climb slowly up the ladder, so (almost) never should you take the most extreme view. Too many have done that and failed. Second, it’s super-important to find a mentor who understands you and can guide you. There are so many derochim and many well-intentioned people end up with a mishmash of things that sounded nice but don’t work in real life. May you have much hatzlocha!
Mod, if you will allow me, the ‘mainstream’ litvishe shitah is that you wear hose that a viewer can tell are hose, no specific thickness or color. (That viewer is, genreally, a woman, because men are anyhow clueless, same with a sheitel, women should be able to tell you’re wearing one. Will men be able to tell? They shouldn’t be looking so closely anyhow!)June 6, 2011 3:13 am at 3:13 am #775746
By next year, hopefully Moshiach will be here and you will be featured on the annual Bnos Melochim program!!!! Kol Hakavod to make this change and with such strong feelings. Keep going and striving higher and higher !!!!June 6, 2011 6:37 pm at 6:37 pm #775747
🙂 thanks u2!!!!!!!June 7, 2011 11:12 pm at 11:12 pm #775748
I love coming home from school and look forward to reading everyones answers!!!!! I think my mom gets that I’ve been wearing tights these past couple of days and she casually asked me if I was getting warm in them and I downplayed it A LOT and my mom said “whatever makes you happy!”!!! But bez”H my parents will come to tolerate it! SO…..THANKS SO MUCH GUYS FOR THE TIPS!!!!
Ps! Do any of the ladies have a COMFORTABLE recommendation for tights and the color they wear? I can’t seem to find any comfy tights or a color that’s act visible when wearing them!
Have a BEAUTIFUL shavuot!!!!!
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