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if you have anything funny and not said before then post
what did Beethoven do in his grave
decompose
The world stands on three things, torah-the man sits and learns in kollel all day avodah-the women works in the kitchen, gamilias chasadim- the parents support them
Yidesh….-very funny!!!!!!?
superme,thanks i thought so to haha
Great one!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Duh dum chh.
An engineer dies and goes to heck. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Heck to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?
The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”
“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”
God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”
The Devil laughs. “Where are You going to get a lawyer?”
Luna
I love the Sherlock one. Oldie but goodie.
So I’m driving around in my car, and I come up to a stop sign. There’s no one around, so I just kinda slow down, but don’t come to a complete stop. I hear a siren, and it turns out the cops are behind me, and they ask me to pull over.
A cop gets out of the car and tells me he has to give me a ticket because I didn’t stop at the stop sign. I tell him I did stop, but he says, “No, you just slowed down.”
So I say,”Stop, slow down, there exactly the same!”
Then he pulls out his nightstick and starts beating me across the head with it. And then he says, “Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you want me to stop?”
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, “Why did you call me Petal?” and they replied “Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you.” And then Fridge says “bllaaarrarararraraaarg”.
Two bochurim, an Israeli and a chutznik (non-israeli) are arguing whether Israelis or chutnikim learn better. They argue until the chutznik says, “H-Shem gave the Torah in chutz la’aretz so that proves it!” The Israeli then quotes him a medrash that says that H-Shem uprooted Har Sinai and moved it to Eretz Yisrael and then gave bnei yisrael the Torah. “So you see,” says the Israeli, “H-Shem obviously prefers Israelis.” The other bachur replies, without beating any eyelash, “there’s a reason He chose a chutznik.”
how many by girls does it take to change a light bulb?
100, one to screw it in and ninty nine to say tehilim
Yiddsheamadle613- ur jokes r the best!!!!!
Wiy- ow the police one is funny but painful!
superme- thank you very much, im glad you enjoy 🙂
the reason this one is one of my favs is because my by principal went there for school…
how many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
none, the let of torah keeps them going
What thisbdoesnt make sense
A German doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks.” A British doctor says, “That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks.” A Canadian doctor says, “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks.” An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind…We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
If there’s something strange in the neighbourhood – who you gonna call?
The local authorities.
There once was a man from Dundee.
Whose limericks always ended on line three.
I don’t know why.
How many Poles does it take to change a light-bulb?
Light-bulbs cannot be changed. They simply are. Do you mean replace a burnt-out bulbed with a new one. Well, with design, logistics, manufacturing and marketing etc. it could be argued that many people play a small part in the process but the exact number is dependent on the particular circumstances.
a man goes to a orthodox rabbi and says”rabbi please i will make a big donation to the shul,can i please be a cohen”the rabbi looks at him and says”no,of course not,i cant make you a cohen no matter how much you give” the guy then goes to a reform rabbi and says”rabbi please can you make me a cohen i will pay you what ever it takes” the rabbi replys”im sorry,no i cant, but you can still donate money” the man finally goes to a conservative rabbi adn says”rabbi please i so want to be a cohen,i will pay you what ever you want,just please make me a cohen”the rabbi says”of course i will help a fellow jew i will make you a cohen,just tell me one thing,why do you want to be a cohen so much? the man looks at him and says”well my father was,my grandfather….i want to be one to!”
I was at a sheva brochos last night and somebody spoke about the connection between Marriage and Kabolas Hatorah (Rashi this week says “K’Chaloso” means “K’caloso”).
Both of them have ???? ?????. By Matan Torah, first Naseh, we do, then Nishma, we understand. By marriage, however, we do, but we’ll never understand. But even marriage – Na’aseh, we do – and then Nishma – we’ll never stop hearing about it!
Im sorry and my bad mean the same thing unless your at a funeral.
ha
Sammy16- one of the best I’ve ever heard
secularfrummy- Edited
Mods- I am taken aback by it.
edited
A cop stops an old lady for knitting a sweater while she’s driving-
Cop: “Pull Over!”
Lady: “No, Button-down”
Why do some people have big noses?
Because they have big fingers
There was a man who tried finding every kula (leniency) he could find. When he went up to shamayim they told him “You’re going to Gan Eden.” When he got to Gan Eden, he saw a dark prison cell with bread and water. He said “This is Gan Eden?!” They answered him, “According to some shitos.”
If seeing is believing, then how come looks are decieving?
light travels faster than sound. Thats why pple look bright before they speak!!!
a lady dies. She goes to heaven. An angel comes to her and says “here is your life video. plz make it shorter so god wont have to waste so much time looking at it.” The lady takes the video and edits it until only the good bits remain. Then she puts all the rubbish bits of the video in the bin. She calls back the angel and says ” Here is my life video in 3 hrs.” The angel says ” Thanx. That’s for you. I just need this. ” Then he picks up the bin and leaves.
need seminary help- FUNNY 😀
Thanx
FDR sent out a new line of stamps with a picture of him on it. After a few weeks people were complaining that the stamps didnt stick. Roosevelt made a full research inquiry and figured out the reason why the stamps werent sticking. Everyone was spitting on the wrong side!!!!!
need seiminary help- again funny! nice im still laughing!!
a jewish man was going to be knighted by the king of france and was very excited until he relized that he was expected to say something in french! so he went to a friend of his and asked him to teach him something french to say to the king,the friend replies” your jewish,just say something in hebrew” the jewish man ws very happy with this solution,he decided to say mah nisthnana, so it came the night when he owuld become a knight, the king knights him and the jew procededs to say mah nishtana when he finishes the king turns to his adviser and asks”why is this knight diffrent then all others”????
What would Mozart do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch the lid of his coffin .
Listen I’m not an alchoholic, alchoholic go to meetings. In a drunk and we go to parties. (How bout that for my subtitle?)
Why does Cinderella always get kicked off the soccer team? Cause she’s always running away from the ball.
this thread should be renamed “the corny jokes thread”
PATIENT: “Doc, every morning, right when I drink my coffee, I suffer excruciating pain in my left eye”
DOCTOR: “Remove the spoon from your cup”
What is Mozart doing in his grave?
Decomposing
Very original HLM
Very original sammy16
I heard cannibals won’t eat clowns cause they taste funny
Sally and Ben are married but haven’t spoken in yrs. one day Bens friend is making a bris and Ben wants to go but his alarm clock is broken. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he writes a note to his wife asking her to wake him at 6:00 am. He goes to sleep thinking that his wife will break the silence and he will ” win “. The next morning he wakes up and glances at the clock. It is 10:00 am. He is angry with his wife but then he looks up and sees a note from his wife. ” good morning! It’s 6:00 am”
Dear human,
Ur upset when I wake u and ur upset when I don’t.
Sincerely,
Confused alarm clock
Some old friends are socialising when Mr Cohen suddenly has a massive heart attack and dies. No one wants to be the one who has to break the news to his wife. In the end, Jacobson and Hirsch decide that they will do it, so they go round to the Cohens’ house and knock on the door. Mrs Cohen answers it.
“Excuse me,” says Jacobson, “are you the widow Cohen?”
She looks at him strangely and says “Absolutely not!”
Jacobson replies, “Wanna bet?”
Two Irish men were sitting on the floor.
One fell off.
secularfrummy- Edited
Mods- I am taken aback by it.
talmud: I didn’t understand why nobody seemed bothered by it.
If your joke is not posted, do not repeatedly post about it. It was deemed offensive by a mod.
Wow, looks like no joking matter!
sorryyyyy-im soryy it seemed offensive! ok heres another one:(i hope no1 will seem offended!!)
whats the definition of ADHD?
attention deficit…hey donuts!!!!
and another 1:
knock knock
whos there
interrupting cow
interrupting C….
MOOOOO!!!!!!
LOLLLLLLLLL
mitzvahgirl-not that that isnt a funny joke,but its not funny to those of use twho have to deel with ADHD on a 24/7 basis in our lives,its funny for 10 seconds but can you i agine living like that your whole life?? ill tell you its not pleasant ,and its a nisayon from Hashem, just if you ever say that in public becarul cause not all think its funny,and many are hurt by it(not me i have a sense of humor B’H 😉 ) just a warning to you and all those who in the convo say “omh i soooo have ADHD rightg now” ,but again it is pretty funny thnx for posting 😀
Skype- secularfrummy is apparently more secular than a frummy.
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