Photos & Shidduchim – Appropriate Or Not?🖼️🤵👰

It all depends on the needs/values of the individual involved. If externals are high on the list then by all means pictures are useful. If not, then why limit your choices based on a photo.
David Lichtenstein posed this question to Rabbi Sorcher of Detroit & Rabbi Shafier of the Shmuz both endorsed the looking at a photo for shidduch purposes.

Pruste people give and/or ask for a picture.

Why is asking for a picture any more prust then going on dates in the darkness of the night?
And in most cases in a car.

Photos should be allowed. However, the image of the one who is not male should be photoshopped out of her picture

We live in a real world where the large percentage of young men and women DO care about the “looks” of their prospective spouse and that is unlikely to change. We can pontificate about how “looks shouldn’t matter” and “its only whats inside the person that counts”. However, given that people do care, it makes sense to ask for a photo in advance of the first date rather than showing up and finding a date a foot taller/shorter or really obese or dressing in a matter that shows little respect for either oneself or the person you are meeting with.

There are people who unfortunately look very bad in pictures even though they are very good looking in real life.

Some people don’t photograph well. Others can show a photo professionally done with lighting, etc.
Many times you’re not attracted to the type of look of the girl in the photo, but when you meet her , you see her differently because she’s a live human, not photograph with no soul or inherent charm. Who knows how many shidduchim never materialized because of photos.
Who looks at the pics anyway?? The whole mishpacha?
Funny that women’s photos are Photoshopped or outright deleted in the frum media, yet here gazing at a female from every which angle is kosher.
I predict video clips are next, if it’s not already happening. Imagine the prepping for that.
BTW… How come the tzaddikel doesn’t have to send pics of himself ? Or does he?

Some people don’t photograph well. Others can show a photo professionally done with lighting, etc.
Many times you’re not attracted to the type of look of the girl in the photo, but when you meet her , you see her differently because she’s a live human, not photograph with no soul or inherent charm. Who knows how many shidduchim never materialized because of photos.

I agree.

Funny that women’s photos are Photoshopped or outright deleted in the frum media, yet here gazing at a female from every which angle is kosher.

Although I’m against pictures on shidduch resumes, I don’t think that’s a fair comparison. In general, a man shouldn’t look at a woman he’s not married to, but the one exception is before he marries her. אסור לאדם שיקדש את האשה עד שיראנה

You can fulfill this gemara by meeting her (obviously) I’m just pointing out that your comparison isn’t great.

DY,
I’m still interested to know how many people look at the picture other than the boy& parents. I suspect the photo makes its rounds ( of course, not everybody ) among family and maybe friends. I know 2 boys who’ve shown the pic of the girl they’re dating to others including myself, and I rebuked them for it. I’m concerned how widespread this is…. And not merely from a religious standpoint but just menchlichkeit and treating the girl like an object to get others’ opinions.

Are you kidding? Other than the boy & parents? There are WhatsApp “shidduch” groups with hundreds of people that these photos get plastered all over. And from there forwarded to other groups of hundreds more.

And, as you said, they’re shown off by the boys and girls themselves to friends and others.

“Also, the people who wouldn’t buy the Yated if it had pictures of women in it aren’t the ones asking for pictures in shidduch resume”

I don’t really believe that to be the case

I would not have gone out with a boy who wanted a picture of me. The shadchan and the references can describe girl (or for that matter the boy). “She’s short.” “He’s robust and substantial.” “She walks with a cane.” “He has a distinctive scar on his left cheek, but his beard covers most of it.” Etc. You’ll see exactly what the person looks like when you meet.

Many of the important points people raise can’t be seen in a photo- for example, how tall/short person is will be hard to tell from a photo unless it is of the whole person, and generally even then it would be hard to tell unless he/she is standing next to something/someone else. The photo may also not be recent- perhaps he/she gained weight since. Why can’t these things be clarified from people who know him/her?
whether he/she goes about un-tucked, messy, unkempt, dressed in a way that is not respectful- I doubt that people would send a photo that way. More likely, the photo is carefully arranged and may not reflect how the person actually looks/acts in real life, or even on a date. Ever see a photo of someone taken at a wedding, all dressed up, with lots of makeup, hair done etc, and it doesn’t remotely look like the person usually does?
Yes, looks count in a shidduch. But to make a snap judgement based on a 2-dimensional depiction that may not reflect reality, without giving the person a chance to show personality and chein, which can add so much to a person’s beauty, even externally?

Winnie, shouldn’t we be complaining about that she phenomenon when people date? You know, before they go out on a date they dress up and make up and do their hair in ways they don’t look like they would on a normal weekday or even on a regular Shabbos.

I send pictures out easily. I have nothing to hide, I’d rather you see a picture of me than come stalk me at my work or take your own photos to show people if you see me in the street.

This is me, if someone thinks I’m ugly and won’t date me based on seeing a photo first, than I wouldn’t want to marry him anyway.

Yes I know people can look unflattering in photos, I definitely have gone out with people who looks better in person. But again, really insane looking people usually look pretty insane ib person too.

I am against it. because let say you don’t like the way he/she looks in the picture, you would not go ahead with it. but have you met the person and see his/her personality then the looks wouldn’t bother you (as much).
when requiring about the other prior to going out, you should definitely ask about looks, and as long you hear that he/she is at least average looking, don’t ask for a picture. in other words: a picture might limit your chances.

I really don’t understand this whole thread. If the guy/girl wants a photo and you are comfortable sending one, thats fine. It provides just one item of information among many decision points. For some its important, for others less so. Likewise, failure to provide a photo may or not be important to some but it could be a deal breaker for some. In any event, its obviously a matter of personal preference, not a big issue of halacha or morality.

If you want to know if someone is fat or short or tall or has a tail there are other ways to find out.

Avocado…you say the boys NEVER look the same in real life as they do in their pictures. Does that mean the girls photos are considerably more realistic and only the bochurim photoshop their images and act contrary to the way you expected on the picture??

P.S. How do you know how a bochur will act based on a photo other than if the photo itself shows him engaged in some wierd behavior inappropriate for a shiduch photo?

Joseph
1) if you ask lots of people and you get the same answer, you have a general idea of what he/she looks like.
2) yes maybe its prost to ask about looks, but we are talking about someone who does want to know about the looks.

I find it ironic that everyone or most everyone finds ut pruste fir a boy to ask for a girls picture.
But its ok to go take out a girl for hours on end , in the dark of night, locked in a car on a deserted hiways and biways.

If the girl has to send a pic, the boy should have to as well. Id love to hear what their mothers would say to that.
Asking for a picture definitely says something about the boy in question. Not a good something

That’s why I predict video clips to hear how she talks, see her height/ weight , how she walks & gestures…. see her teeth, eye color , glasses or contacts , dimples & freckles. How many girls want to submit to that?

knaidelach: .

edited

Do you think my zivug would not be willing to go out with me based on a picture? I think that’s a lack of emunah. Hashem will send me my zivug even if I was truly ugly. Ugly people get married, bad people, unhealthy people get married. Heck, Hitler was married. I don’t think that giving my picture out will make Hashem decide to withhold my shidduch. I also do not photoshop my pictures at all and I only send headshots mainly, or from the torso and up.

@Joseph, it’s true I’ll see looks when I’ll date, but again; I like to be prepared so I won’t be rude, stare, etc on a date IF someone is overly fat, skinny, ugly, or something. I just like to know what to expect and it helps me feel calmer and have a better date. I’ve dated with and without pictures..