Plays on Words

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  • #591199

    not2bright
    Member

    I love those jokes that have a play on words for the punch line and if any of you know any I wouldn’t mind hearing them. Thanks, here’s one to get this thread started:

    In a city far away a long time ago there was a very important red lever that, were it pulled, would blow up the whole city. Of course they needed a very trustworthy man to watch the lever and make sure nobody pulled it. They chose Nate.

    Nate was very faithful to his job and kept it many years, in which nobody pulled the lever. But one day somehow a boulder came rolling down a hill, heading straight for the lever! Everybody was really scared and started screaming, Nate, Nate!

    He realized right away and he quickly ran over to try and stop the boulder. He tried pushing it every which way and in the end he managed to make the boulder veer off its course, so the town was saved, but in the process Nate was killed.

    The whole city felt very bad and everybody came to the funeral, but as one man pointed out,

    “Better Nate than lever!”

    #674426

    Fred Stein, a brilliant inventor,secretly invented a time machine.

    He then robbed a big bank and got away with over a million dollars.

    He buried the money, got in the time machine and traveled to the future, one day later than the statute of limitations for robbery.

    The judge was forced to let him off. The judge wrote in his decision: “A niche in time saves Stein”

    this was a short story by isaac asimov

    #674427

    An oldie, but a goodie:

    Roy Rogers and Dale Evans had recently bought some shoes. One day they left them outside, so as not to track mud in the house. During the night a mountain lion wandered into their yard and chewed up the shoes. The next day Roy went out with his shotgun in search of the lion. Dale heard a shot and ran out to see what happened. She saw Roy holding his gun and standing over the body of a lion.

    She said, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed the new shoes?”

    (If any of the young’uns on this board don’t get it, let me know and I’ll explain.)

    #674428

    d a
    Member

    77: you got some explaining to do (:-))

    #674429

    There’s an old song (before my time) called “Chatanooga Choo-choo.” The first line (I think it’s the first line) is “Pardon me boy, is that the Chatanooga choo-choo?”

    #674430

    plaid
    Member

    Not the first line, but close enough 🙂

    #674431

    oomis
    Participant

    I also thought that was the first line.

    #674432

    plaid and oomis1105: It’s nice to know there are some other “dinosaurs” here who have heard of the song.

    #674433

    ronrsr
    Member

    An old one that may define the genre. It was the title of a book that was full of these:

    John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic

    traits of birds, raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a

    friend who inquired, “Bred any good rooks lately?”

    #674434

    ronrsr
    Member

    We were creeping through hostile jungle, well camouflaged. I was

    covered with vines. My wife wore twigs. And so we pressed on bravely

    with sod on our guide.

    #674435

    ronrsr
    Member

    George Gershwin, vacationing on Cape Cod with several colleagues,

    couldn’t decide whether to rehearse a composition or spend the

    afternoon cycling along the beach. “Which shall it be?” he asked his

    friends. “Do we get down to work, or do we bike up the strand?”

    #674436

    ronrsr
    Member

    When Horrace Greely said, “Go West, Young Man.” he had to eat his

    words. Many people tried to travel to the western states by railroad.

    The seats on the rail cars were very small and many of the larger

    people had to stay home. Thus the saying was born, “No West for

    the reary.”

    #674437

    ronrsr
    Member

    The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform

    the assigned experiments. After a while, however, he reconsidered, and

    wended his maze.

    #674438

    ronrsr
    Member

    also, once Roy and Dale were riding their horses away from New York City, on the way to visit their Rav in Monsey.

    Perched on a cliff in Westchester County, Dale spied some movement in the distance. She said to Roy, “There are some very strange horses out there.”

    Roy replied, “Them’s not horses, Them’s cars, Dale.”

    and that’s the story of how that town got its name, and I’m sticking with it.

    #674439

    ronrsr
    Member

    All the Native Americans on the reservation were proud of James, the first of their tribe ever to be accepted at a trade school. The entire tribe contributed towards James’ tuition, and he was so touched that he vowed to return to the reservation, and use his skills to improve the lives of the tribe members.

    James went to school, studied hard and distinguished himself, and became an excellent electrician.

    He returned to the reservation, and started his promised work. The first project was was to run electrical wires to the outhouses, so there could be light there at night.

    Thus, he became the first Native American to wire a head for a reservation.

    #674440

    ronrsr
    Member

    I need to go to sleep now, so I must hurry this last post.

    Since I know that usually the only part of a joke is the punchline, I am dispensing with the body of the joke, and posting only the punchlines. Please feel free to insert your own joke.

    * No Soap…..Radio

    * Two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester cheats picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!

    * I was talking to the duck.

    * Super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis!!

    * It’s a knick-knack Paddywack! Give the frog a loan!

    * Oppornockity only tunes once!

    * He should have quit while he was a head.

    * It’s not very good….but it’s filling.

    * One good tern deserves another.

    * To get to the other side

    * To get to the Shell station

    * Because 7 8 9.

    * Because he was stapled to the chicken.

    * The plums are coming! He was color blind.

    * To stamp out fires.

    * To stamp out flaming ducks.

    * To keep their pants up.

    * HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA thud.

    * Do you have anything to stop this coffin?

    * Give me a chapstick and put it on my bill. (this one involves a duck)

    * Why the long face?

    * I don’t even know her.

    * He was looking for Pooh.

    * For the halibut.

    * The turkey is fowl.

    * Can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    * One for me and one for the road.

    * A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

    * People in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

    * You left your Injun running.

    * Never leave a tern unstoned.

    * He’s the furry with the syringe on top.

    * It’s a long way to tip a Rarie.

    #674441

    ronrsr
    Member

    Toonerisms, that is Spoonerisms made out of the titles of songs.

    They Tried to Sell Us Egg Foo Yung / They Tried to Tell Us We ‘re Too Young

    I ‘m a Noel Coward Fan from the Rio Grande / I’m an Old Cowhand from the Rio Grande

    (It’s very clear) Your Mother’s Here to Stay / Love Is Here to Stay

    Days of Wine and Cirrhosis / Days of Wine and Roses

    Between the Devil and the E.E.C. / Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

    I Only Advise a Few / I Only have Eyes for You

    What Are You Doing Molesting My Wife / What Are You Doing the Rest of your Life

    When Your Liver Has Gone / When Your Lover Has Gone

    Massenet’s Allergy / Massenet’s Elegy

    Good Morning, Headache /Good Morning, Heartache

    I’m Putting All My Basques in One Exit I’m Putting All My Eggs in One Basket

    Adjust My Bill / He’s Just My Bill

    Veal Meat Again! / We’ll Meet Again

    Baby, De Gaulle’s Outside / Baby, It’s Cold Outside

    A Wino that You Know / I Know that You Know

    I’ll Syringe Your Ear / I Surrender, Dear

    Fry Me Some Liver / Cry Me a River

    #674442

    ronrsr
    Member

    I forgot my all time favorite punch line:

    He’s a routine Teuton, Eiffel-lootin’ Sarnoff goon from Harris Sonar, rock time Caravaggio.

    #674443

    haifagirl
    Participant

    ronrsr: Those are great. Had me lol. Thanks.

    #674444

    oomis
    Participant

    “plaid and oomis1105: It’s nice to know there are some other “dinosaurs” here who have heard of the song. “

    Just call me T-Rex. BTW, though I have heard the song, I was not yet born when it was popular (at least I do not THINK so). I was a 50s baby.

    #674446

    ronrsr
    Member

    The first line is:

    Hey there Tex, what you say?

    OR

    Pardon me, boys, is that the chattanooga choo-choo

    depending on what you consider the first line.

    #674447

    ronrsr
    Member

    You’d have to be 69 years old or older to have been born when that song first became popular.

    #674448

    haifagirl
    Participant

    You’d have to be 69 years old or older to have been born when that song first became popular.

    As I said, it’s before my time.

    #674449

    Jose
    Member

    There was a small town that the shamash at the cloister retired and there was no one to ring the bells.

    The galach could not find someone local to do the job so he put an advertisement in the NYT classified for the position.

    With the economy in the shape it is, and so many people out of jobs, there was a big turn out for the job.

    To select the appropriate individual, the galach decided to have try outs to see how well the applicant rings the bells.

    One after the other they tried, nobody could make a decent ring, they were either off key or could only produce a thin quavering sound. The galach was getting desperate.

    One day a fellow without arms shows up and says ” I want the job”.

    The galach looks at him and says ” how are you going to ring the bells, you have no arms?”

    The fellow says “let me show you” with that he climbs up the steeple to the roof of the building, takes two steps back and runs head first right into the bells. Lo and behold, the most beautiful, loud, carrying tone rings forth. Everyone in town steps out and to enjoy the tone.

    The galach tells the fellow “you’re hired”.

    And so it went for a few weeks, every morning and on the hour throughout the day the new bell ringer would run straight into the bell to ring it.

    One cold morning there was apparently black ice on the roof, when he backed up to start his run, the bell ringer slipped and fell to his death.

    The police came to investigate and they asked the galach, “what was his name?”

    The galach answered, “I don’t know, but his face sure rings a bell!!!”

    Anyway the galach needed a new ringer again so he put an ad in the paper and lo and behold what should occur, another person without arms applies for the position.

    The galach asks him, ” how are you going to ring the bell?”

    Well the same thing happens, he climbs up to the roof, takes a few steps back and runs into the bells. With the same results, a beautiful tone peals out.

    The galach says “you’re hired. But I have to tell you the most amazing thing, our previous ringer was also a person without arms, I never imagined that this would be so common.”

    The new bell ringer replies ” truth is, it’s not common, however, the previous ringer was my brother and I am doing this in his honor”

    The new ringer is doing this for several weeks, when he too slips on something and falls to his death.

    The police come and ask the galach, do you know the person’s name.

    The galach answers “no, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.”

    GROAN

    Two for the price of one.

    Oomis, the problem was that they did not have regular appointments with their chiropractor. 🙂

    #674450

    WolfishMusings
    Participant

    Frederick C. Wood was executed by electric chair in Sing Sing prison in 1963. As he entered the death house, he turned to the reporters and quipped: “I have a speech to make on an educational project. You will see the effect of electricity on Wood.”

    I have a book at home named Grave Matters. The book contains all sorts of tombstone inscriptions, some of which involve wordplay. For example:

    Here lies Les Moore

    Shot twice with a .44

    No Les

    No Moore

    The Wolf

    #674453

    ronrsr
    Member

    Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the

    mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife

    spend much of the year working on the borders of these streams,

    working hard to keep the borders clear and clean. If there is anything

    she likes, it is to weed a good brook.

    #674455

    ronrsr
    Member

    The famous film director, fighting a severe cold, was nevertheless on

    location in Athens, determined to complete his movie. One scene at an

    ancient ruin required so many takes that Milos soon developed

    laryngitis. To this day, locals who worked on the set remember the

    director as the hoarse Forman of the Acropolis.

    #674456

    ronrsr
    Member

    The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home blenders

    and mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which

    reads like this: “When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see

    the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.”

    #674457

    ronrsr
    Member

    Father O’Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the

    man sitting next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions. The

    priest bought a kosher hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the talkative

    man. He passed it along to Father O’Flaherty, who downed it in one

    gulp. This was the first time a hot dog had ever gone from the

    prying fan into the friar.

    #674458

    ronrsr
    Member

    Homer Simpson heard about Chamberlain’s appeasement of Hitler in 1938. His reaction: “Better the Neville you … d’oh!”

    #674459

    ronrsr
    Member

    Noah is waiting by his ark. Waiting for all the animals that G-d has promised will squeeze into the boat that he’s built.

    Suddenly, he sees them. Great numbers of beasts all converging on the ark. He lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two.

    As they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by – “Hmmm… two horses,” he says, “they don’t taste very nice, but they’re edible,” and “Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb.”

    And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they’re like to eat. Eventually one of Noah’s son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.

    She answers: “Well, there’s Noah counting for taste.”

    To which the son replies: “Now I’ve herd everything.”

    #674460

    ronrsr
    Member

    The Rubensteins were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America in the mid 19th century. Their line had included doctors, lawyers, merchants and rabbis.

    They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the at Sing-Sing,in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.

    When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle Jacob. There, they read “Jacob Rubenstein occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a real shock.”

    #674461

    ronrsr
    Member

    A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

    One day In was out, so she asked Out,”Out go out and find In, In’s out and I want him in, I’ve been looking for In outside for ages, I can’t find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in.”

    “What?” said Out.

    “In’s out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I’ve been looking for ages and can’t find In, I want In in, Out, go out and bring In in, if you can find him.”

    So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks “Out, how did you find In so quickly?”

    “In stinkt.”

    #674462

    ronrsr
    Member

    Dr. Watson arrives at 221B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front wearing overalls, applying a pale yellow paint to the front door.

    “Holmes what is it?” cried Watson.

    “A lemon entry, my dear Watson.”

    #674463

    ronrsr
    Member

    Bobby Fischer and Boris Spassky were playing a championship chess tournament in Reykjavik. The auditorium became very hot, which bothered both players, so they agreed to move the game into the foyer, where it was cooler.

    Immediately, both players started telling each other, the kibbitzers and the spectators of some of the great gambits they had invented.

    Someone walked in on the game, and asked what was going on.

    “Oh,they’re just chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

    #674464

    ronrsr
    Member
    #674465

    ronrsr
    Member
    #674466

    ronrsr
    Member
    #674467

    ronrsr
    Member

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    #674468

    ronrsr
    Member

    A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop.

    Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!”

    The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard.

    The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn’t get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

    When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.

    “What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?” barked the chief.

    “Honest, Chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and couldn’t sweep a link!”

    #674469

    haifagirl
    Participant

    ronrsr: Those are wonderful! That last one reminds of a review (don’t remember who wrote it) of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds: He left no tern unstoned.

    #674470

    ronrsr
    Member

    Dear Haifagirl, are you thinking of the time the police disposed of the confiscated property from a drug bust? They dumped the marijuana into the river, where it was promptly eaten by the local birds.

    No tern was left unstoned.

    #674471

    ronrsr
    Member

    Tarzan, King of the Jungle, was innocently leaping from tree to

    tree one fine day, when a band of crazed cannibals ambushed and killed

    him. They devoured him almost immediately, except for the lining of

    his stomach which they stretched over a hollow log to make a bongo drum,

    and gave it to the son of the chief.

    The boy was delighted with his new drum and played it constantly for weeks. Until one day, he came crying to his father the chief. “Daddy,” he whimpered, “my

    bongo drum rotted away.”

    #674472

    haifagirl
    Participant

    ronrsr: Some people can get very upset with stories like those. They could even make problems for you. You aren’t going to be very happy when John Phillip sues ya.

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