Jokes

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  • #1201868
    amazingirl97
    Participant

    nice one whole wheat!

    #1201869
    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    Why did the blonde cross the road?

    To find the chicken, and finally get some answers.

    whole wheat; thanks, you inspired me to make a joke.

    #1201870
    bein_hasdorim
    Participant

    fast forward; good one,

    #17 happened on dates all the time.

    BPG; thanks & to all other funny post on this page.

    #1201871
    whole wheat
    Member

    My first time getting a response.

    #1201872
    WIY
    Member

    A big-game hunter went on a safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

    The hunter picked up his rifle and began the search. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

    The child was a typical young boy, inquisitive, and bright. When he expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, his father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking that visual images would help.

    One page after another, he pointed out the groom and bride, the wedding ceremony, the dancing, etc.

    At 10 a.m., the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

    #1201873
    koillel101
    Member

    WOW! 1000 posts!

    Keep them coming!

    WIY- those are great!

    #1201876
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    I’ll post this in corny jokes too (Iy”H)

    why does a doctor have to sign first on a shtar kiddushin?

    because he knows FIRST AID!

    #1201877
    baron fritz
    Participant

    One Shabbat morning, the rabbi noticed little Moishie Goldberg was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the shul. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good shabbos, Moishie.”

    “Good shabbos, rabbi,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Rabbi Kaplan, what is this?” Moishie asked.

    “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

    #1201878
    supergirl613
    Member

    here is a great corny joke!!! it’s awesome!!!

    why did the piece of gum cross the road?

    because it was attached to the chickens foot!!!!!

    ha ha!!! (my favorite!)

    #1201879
    GumBall
    Member

    When god gave us noses i thought he said roses so i picked the biggest wettest one!! lol

    supergirl-I LOVE IT!! om ob!!

    #1201880
    Getzel
    Participant

    over 1000 posts

    thanks for all ur input! 🙂

    #1201881
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Thanks for starting it all, getzel!

    #1201882
    Getzel
    Participant

    with pleasure!

    #1201883
    midwesterner
    Participant

    There was once wealthy baal habos kamtzan who used to ask every meshulach a riddle. “If you can tell me a word in the Torah with four straight Kometzs, I’ll give you a generous nedava.” Naturally, most people could not answer, and went away empty-handed and disappointed.

    One talmid chacham successfully answered, “Harachama” (one of the non kosher birds).

    The Baal Habos reluctantly reached into his pocket, and said, “Do me a favor, halt es bai dir, I don’t want my secret to get out!”

    So the Talmid Chacham says, “So how about you answer mine! Where is there a word with four straight patachs?”

    The Baal Habos thinks about it then says, “I give up. What is it?”

    The talmid chacham answers, “Hakadachas. And do me a favor, halt es bai dir!”

    #1201884

    the reform instituted that instead of saying “??? ?? ?????? ??” the chasan should say “??? ????? ????? ??” when it came to giving a get they were stuck until they decided on “??? ????”

    #1201885
    reba
    Participant

    A man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm and asks for fish cakes. The baker says – excuse me this is a bakery – the supermarket is next door. The man looks at her in surprise and says, pointing to the fish, ‘but it’s his birthday!’.

    #1201886
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    When I went to the DMV to change my licence they asked me do I want to be an organ or tissue donor?

    To which I replied “I’m sorry I don’t own a piano however I do have a box of Kleenex in the car if you really want”

    #1201887
    adorable
    Participant

    coffee- you are awesome.

    #1201888
    supergirl613
    Member

    these jokes are hysterical!!! keep them coming! i dont have many great jokes in my mind but let me know if you want yo mama jokes i know a ton of them!!!

    #1201889
    Getzel
    Participant

    John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock

    (MADE IN JAPAN )

    for 6 am ..

    While his coffeepot

    (MADE IN CHINA)

    was perking, he shaved with his

    electric razor

    (MADE IN HONG KONG)

    He put on a

    dress shirt

    (MADE IN SRI LANKA),

    designer jeans

    (MADE IN SINGAPORE)

    and

    tennis shoes

    (MADE IN KOREA)

    After cooking his breakfast in his new

    electric skillet

    (MADE IN INDIA)

    he sat down with his

    calculator

    (MADE IN MEXICO)

    to see how much he could spend today.

    (MADE IN TAIWAN )

    to the radio

    (MADE IN INDIA )

    he got in his car

    (MADE IN GERMANY )

    filled it with GAS

    (from Saudi Arabia )

    and continued his search

    for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

    At the end of yet another discouraging

    and fruitless day

    checking his

    Computer

    ( made in MALAYSIA ),

    John decided to relax for a while.

    He put on his sandals

    (MADE IN BRAZIL ),

    poured himself a glass of

    wine

    (MADE IN FRANCE )

    and turned on his

    TV

    (MADE IN INDONESIA ),

    and then wondered why he can’t

    find a good paying job

    in AMERICA.

    AND NOW HE’S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT

    You gotta keep this one circulating!

    #1201890
    deiyezooger
    Member

    Gut gezugt Getzel!!

    Keep it coming.

    #1201891
    Regesh
    Member

    I think this one is really cute.

    A white horse walked into a bar.

    Thrilled the bar tender said to him ,

    “Hey we have a whiskey called after you!”

    “What” said the white horse “Fred”.

    #1201892
    Regesh
    Member

    Abe Goldberg was 87 years old and a great golf player and indeed wherever he wanted the ball to go it went.

    Much to his enjoyment [and to his wifes relief] he spent many hours a day on the golf coarse until one day he came home and told his wife,

    “Thats it my golfing days are over!”

    “What do you mean?” cried Bessie distraght,

    “I just cant do it anymore” he said.

    “Cant do it! Your the best golf player wherever you want the ball to go, it goes.”

    “I know” he said, “it still does, but thats not it” said Abe.

    “Then what?” asked Bessie.

    “I cant see where it goes, my eyesight is getting bad and I dont where the ball ends up, so whats the point in playing anymore.”

    Bessie thoght for a moment this was serious, she couldn’t have him home complaining all day.

    “Ive got it”she said,

    “My brother Hymie is 94 but he has 20/20 vision, tomorrow when you go to the coarse take Hymie with. You hit the ball and Hymie will tell you where it goes!”

    “Thats an excellent idea bessie I’ll do just that”.

    The next day found Abe and Hymie on the golf coarse, Abe stepped up to hit the first ball,”Hymie you ready?”

    “You bet’ya Abe.”

    “Okay here goes.” Abe swung back and hit the ball,

    “Hymie, Hymie where did it go?”

    “I dont know abe.”

    “what do you mean you dont know didnt you see it?”

    “Of coarse I saw I have 20/20 vision”replied Hymie angrily.

    “So why dont you know where it went?”asked abe irritated.

    “I forgot.”

    #1201893
    baron fritz
    Participant

    #1201894
    Getzel
    Participant

    good

    #1201895
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    A wagon carrying thesauruses (actually thesauri) has crashed and overturned. Police said the driver was astonished, bemused, baffled, stunned, bewildered, confused, perplexed and confounded.

    #1201896
    baron fritz
    Participant

    One day Chaim Yankel Sapperstein decided that he wanted to learn how to do the laundry. He started with his sweatshirt.

    Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

    “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your sweatshirt?”

    He yelled back, “Nike.”

    #1201897

    The most expensive and coveted tickets for Yom Kippur davening are the ones sold to visitors at the Otisville shul.

    That’s because it is one of the only shuls where you are really mispallel im haavaryonim!

    #1201898
    GumBall
    Member

    supergirl613-YEA!! I LOVE YO MAMA JOKES TELL ME!!!

    I know some…

    yo Mamas so fat when she sits around the pol she sits AROUND he pool

    yo Mamas so fat when she goes out in her yelow raincoat people are like HEY TAXI!! LOL say more!

    #1201899
    yitayningwut
    Participant

    Yankel comes to shul one morning, and at the end of davening he gets up and makes an announcement:

    “Hashem, make me win the lottery, and I promise I will give half of it to tzedaka!”

    Then he goes out to buy his lottery ticket, and as could be expected, he doesn’t win.

    Thoroughly dejected, Yankel walks into the local church. When the services are completed he stands up and makes a similar announcement:

    “Yoshke, make me win the lottery, and I promise I will give half of it to charity!”

    He buys his afternoon ticket, and lo and behold, he has the winning numbers!

    That evening, as the town is abuzz with the news of their newest millionaire, Yankel is spotted by his rabbi coming to daven ma’ariv at his regular minyan.

    “Yankel!” exclaims the rabbi. “You still believe in coming to shul? I would think you’d be in church now!”

    “Are you crazy?” says Yankel. “That guy actually believed that I’d give half of my winnings to tzedaka…”

    #1201900
    GumBall
    Member

    HEY GIVE ME SOME YO MAMA JOKES!!

    #1201901
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    Puns for Educated Minds

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for

    littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the Capital wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a

    seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

    21.A vulture boarded an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

    stewardess looked at him and said, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

    23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

    24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The

    other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

    25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

    #1201902
    koillel101
    Member

    AYC- I was roaring over some of these! Keep it up and give us more!!

    Pppllleeeaaassseee?????????!!!!!?????????

    #1201903
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Wine does not make you FAT ….. it makes you LEAN ….(against tables, chairs, floors, walls and people.)

    #1201904
    Imanonov
    Participant

    2 GET and 2 GIVE creates 2 many problems.

    But… double it:

    4 GET and 4 GIVE solves all the problems!!

    #1201905
    Regesh
    Member

    Q.Why do we only ask on Yom Kippur Reshus LeHispallel Im Hoavaryonim and not on Rosh Hashono?

    A.On Rosh Hashono all the Avaryonim are in Uman!

    [Avaryon in Ivrit is a convict]

    #1201906
    am yisrael chai
    Participant

    koillel101

    “AYC- I was roaring over some of these! Keep it up and give us more!!

    Pppllleeeaaassseee?????????!!!!!?????????”

    Wow, koillel101, thanks for the feedback!

    #1201907
    tutzech
    Member

    out of all the Football jokes, this one has to be the best!

    Football FINALLY makes sense……

    I took my girlfriend to her first football game. We had great seats right behind my team’s bench. After the game, I asked her how she liked the experience.

    ‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’

    Dumbfounded, I asked, ‘What do you mean?’

    ‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…..Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

    #1201908
    tutzech
    Member

    A JOURNEY CALLED LIFE

    A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?”, the mouse wondered.

    He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

    Retreating to the farmyard,

    The mouse proclaimed this warning :

    “There is a mousetrap in the house!

    There is a mousetrap in the house!”

    The chicken clucked and scratched,

    Raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse,

    I can tell this is a grave concern to you,

    But it is of no consequence to me.

    I cannot be bothered by it.”

    The mouse turned to the pig and told him,

    “There is a mousetrap in the house!

    There is a mousetrap in the house!”

    The pig sympathized, but said,

    “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse,

    But there is nothing I can do about it.”

    The mouse turned to the cow and said,

    “There is a mousetrap in the house!

    There is a mousetrap in the house!”

    The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you,

    But it’s no skin off my nose.”

    So, the mouse returned to the house,

    Head down and dejected,

    To face the farmer’s mousetrap

    . . . Alone.. .. .

    That very night

    A sound was heard throughout the house

    — the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

    The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught.

    In the darkness, she did not see it.

    It was a venomous snake

    Whose tail was caught in the trap.

    The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

    The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

    When she returned home she still had a fever.

    Everyone knows you treat a fever

    With fresh chicken soup.

    So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard

    For the soup’s main ingredient:

    But his wife’s sickness continued.

    Friends and neighbors

    Came to sit with her

    Around the clock.

    To feed them,

    The farmer butchered the pig.

    But, alas,

    The farmer’s wife did not get well…

    She died.

    So many people came for her funeral

    That the farmer had the cow slaughtered

    To provide enough meat for all of them

    For the funeral luncheon.

    And the mouse looked upon it all

    From his crack in the wall

    With great sadness.

    So, the next time you hear

    Someone is facing a problem

    And you think it doesn’t concern you,

    Remember —

    When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

    We are all involved in this journey called life.

    We must keep an eye out for one another

    And make an extra effort

    To encourage one another.

    YOU MAY WANT TO SEND THIS

    TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER

    HELPED YOU OUT…

    AND LET THEM KNOW

    HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE.

    – REMEMBER –

    EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD

    IN ANOTHER PERSON’S TAPESTRY.

    OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER

    FOR A REASON.

    One of the best things to hold onto

    In this world is a FRIEND.

    #1201911
    tutzech
    Member

    HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

    George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

    He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

    George said, “Okay.”

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

    (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don’t mess with old people.

    #1201912

    Times must really be hard. I got an Email from an animal rights group that said: “You can use cash or food stamps in place of a chicken to perform the kaparot ritual.”

    #1201913
    Imanonov
    Participant

    REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

    Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

    Hellloooo,…………just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

    So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year… that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,, Helllooooo? It’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him..

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

    #1201915
    Imanonov
    Participant

    Many years ago we had Bob Hope, then we had Johnny Cash and more recently we had Steve Jobs.

    Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs!

    #1201916
    kapusta
    Participant

    Imanonov- I like! The first one reminds me of these: (for some reason)

    1. “I’m a good driver. In fact just last week, I got a compliment about it. Someone left a note on my windshield, it said ‘parking fine’.” (wheres haifagirl?)

    2. “Last week I called my credit card company. They told me I had outstanding payments. I said thank you and hung up.”

    *kapusta*

    #1201917
    Shticky Guy
    Participant

    Imanonov & Kapusta: *Like*

    #1201918
    welldressed007
    Participant

    Chani comes to her parents and asks them for a $500.00 loan. Father says no way, Chani replies does that mean we are poor daddy, no sweetheart in means you are and i am just fine.

    #1201920
    GumBall
    Member

    Please?? some YO mama jokes??

    #1201921
    kapusta
    Participant

    A baby camel was asking his mother a bunch of questions.

    *kapusta*

    #1201922
    ☕️coffee addict
    Participant

    Ok gumball,

    Yo mama is blonde 🙂

    #1201923
    GumBall
    Member

    LOL!! very cute!! PLEASE YO MAMA JOKES!?!?!?!

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