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sounds kinda like you’re being too nice & still listening to her after you tell her to stop.
aussie, if that was for me, my real life personality is based on my real one (CR) most things wouldnt make it in real life. But I am very soft, I cant be mean to anyone, (I know how to be disgusting (nasty humor), but I cant bring myself to say anything thats really bad no matter how much I want to.
AOB, I’ve threatened to walk away.
sometimes I wonder if she just needs help.
aussie, thanx for responding. You’re very perceptive, btw. I don’t think she was mad, I think she was hurt, like the kind of hurt that the truth feels like (no, i wasn’t blunt about it, I cushioned it with honest and sincere compliments).
Why do you think that texting isn’t sincere?
Kapusta, I’m assuming that you’re familiar with the concept of time-out. Time-out is not a punishment, it’s a natural consequence of a child’s behavior. As if to say, you showed me that it’s hard for you to be cooperative or _________ (fill in the blank) and therefore, I’m taking you out of the situation by putting you in “time-out.”
Perhaps, you need to put this person into emotional time-out, in other words, I see that you’re not able to respect my needs in this area, and therefore, I need to block you out of the situation. You can be with her as much as you like, when this topic arises, you can emotionally shut down and repeat the same line, “I’m not willing to discuss it,” or whatever variation you’re comfortable with. No arguing, convincing, begging, procrastinating, or anything like that. Just repeat the same line, exact words.
She will eventually get it. She may be upset/hurt, although I do believe that she will come to understand (maybe not, from the way she sounds), she will get it though and this is probably the least confrontational way to go about it.
Good luck!
~a~
kapusta: Everyone acts diffrent when they think theyr anonymous, and also when you dont need to say it to the person’s face. I was just asking which can be considered what a person truly is? how they act around other people or how they act when other people are not around?
kapusta: yeah but did she stop after that? if not, did you actually do what you said you would??
i’m more or less the same in real life & in the cr. but some stuff i’ve said in the cr & not anywhere else because the topic just doesn’t come up. & i probably complain a little less in the cr cuz i have extra time to review what i’m going to say before everyone sees/hears it, & it gives me a chance to notice how annoying i would sound 😉
anonymisss, its not really possible to leave the situation because I have to see her everyday. Shes a very nice person, until she brings up this issue. She refuses to be hurt or upset because she just refuses to listen. and if I try and tell her she’ll give me a psychological term of what I’m doing. (last week it was defense mechanism, I would call it changing the subject.)
aussie, Oh, I thought the question was directed at me. (I guess in a way it was.) Its a great question!
AOB, no because it was dark and I was not in the mood of a lonely walk. If it would actualy come to it, I probably couldn’t bring myself to do it.
kapusta, I didn’t mean physically leave the situation, I mean emotionally. without getting worked up about, repeat in a monotone the same line every time it comes up. Regardless of what she “term”s you as being.
~a~
kapusta: If you sat down and discussed this topic with her for a few hours would she then leave you alone or is it the type of topic that will never be resolved and she will always want to talk about?
aussie, can you go up to the beginning of my two posts ago post (that makes no sense) and answer me? Thanx.
~a~
aussie: it was like that for me (acting different) maybe in the beginning, but by now i care about how i come across here just as much as anywhere else. i don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me since it will affect how you read anything else i post afterwards. so i think i’m almost as self-conscious here as in real life now. even though i’m technically anonymisss (hey that was a real typo but i think i’ll leave it 😉 ), i don’t feel like it here anymore.
anonymisss, I dont get “worked up”. Its just annoying at this point, its going on for almost a year and I just want her to be quiet!
aussie, weird question for this topic, it can be resolved by me (btw, before I meant she is right about the issue, just way off base about the solution) I cant say when it will be resolved though.
anonymisss: Can you post what you want me to answer because I cant figure it out. Sorry.
AOB, lol. I’m pretty much the same here and everywhere, just some things that I say here I wouldn’t openly say in my “other” life (this is the real life, right?)
~a~
aussie,
anonymisss
Member
Why do you think that texting isn’t sincere?
why do you think texting is insincere? also, btw, i think she’s not mad, more like hurt, if that makes any difference.
~a~
kapusta: Maybe if you just pretend to care what she is talking about and make like your going to listen to her advice she will leave you alone.
AOB, no because it was dark and I was not in the mood of a lonely walk. If it would actualy come to it, I probably couldn’t bring myself to do it.
kapusta: that’s what i meant about you being too nice about it.
AOB, so now I need tips on overcoming niceness. 😉
anonymisss, its the type of thing she can tell (weird, I know)
Hurt is different, it means she took it to heart which was what you wanted. Give her time and try talking to her again.
anonymiss: Oh sorry I thought I answered. Texting is insincere because it is to detached from reality and it makes it seem like it is not important enough for you to actually waste time and talk to her about it personally.
And if she is just hurt then she will most probably get over it especially since you seem to have done it nicely and because it is the truth. She may be upset at you for a bit but I think she would actually rather know the truth and be upset for a bit then have you dodge it.
aussie, texting can actually be better than talking because the message is usually more planned-out than a conversation would be. (I mean the way its said)
kapusta: Its not personal enough.
aussie, I hear what you’re saying about the text. Sometimes I like to text, though, bec then I can think about what I want to say so that it comes out the right way. I put more thought into the text sometimes. What do you think? And do you really think she’ll get over it? In how long? This is so killing me. I can’t;(
kapusta, I really have no idea what’s going on, wish i could be more helpful. And that’s why I said hurt, not mad. I really hope she took it to heart but I can’t bear the thought that I may have hurt her. The worst part is that I have no idea if she’s really hurt bec I haven’t spoken to her since, ok, she probably is not very happy with me, because like i said, she NEVER ignores me.
~a~
aussie, I hear what you’re saying, but there is a concept, when something is too hard to say then to write it in a letter. Isn’t texting a form of letter-writing?
A letter is more personal than a text.
I hear both sides of the text/talk discussion. Can’t decide what’s better. What would you rather from someone who hurt you? (ouch, i can’t believe i’m saying this about myself. I’m so sensitive myself that I’m always so careful not to hurt people, I can’t believe I did it.)
edit: aussie, don’t go yet, i need you.
~a~
anonymisss, I remember once (like 6 years ago) someone I was very shmoozey with (not close, till today we never really “speak” but we shmoozed at least twice a day, -now we text- 😉 ) and someone (not even sure who) made a stupid comment and we didnt talk for close to a month. The way we started talking was really weird. Nothing like time. She’ll come around but let it seep in, maybe leave her a message and she’ll hear its really coming from the heart. LOTS of hatzlacha!
kausta, a month? That’s WAAAAAY too long. message as in voice mail? maybe.
~a~
anonymisss: If someone hurt me (and it has happened before) Im usually upset at them for a bit but then after a few hours I forget about it, but thats also just how I am I rarely stay upset at someone for more than a few hours.
It also gets annoying when the person keeps apologizing repeatedly, but at the same time you kind of want it and it feels good when the person does it.
I would suggest immediatly after you hurt her you should apologize once or twice. Then wait for the next day and try to talk about it. If she doesnt seem intrested try to push it a bit, but if she still doesnt seem intrested just drop it. Wait a few more days and then try again by that point she should have cooled down enough.
Everyone hurts someone at some point. Sometimes it is even necessary.
anonymisss: sorry i have not been following this thread till now! yet i want to wish you hatzlacha with this! from my experience, writing a letter does help out!
anonymisss, it wasnt fun. It was over pesach so there was less time to make up with her technically and I didnt see her in school, but dont let it happen to you, not worth losing a good friend!
aussie, VERY good post!
kapusta: Thanks 🙂
aussie, thanx a million for sticking around. I really, really appreciate it.
Cool that you get over things easily, as it sounds you do. I apologized right away (not for what i said, for if she was hurt by it) and then again the next day. like you said, though, it’s stupid to continuously apologize. I think she wouldn’t want me to, well, the second time, i got no response, so…. The worst part is, due to technicalities, we won’t anyway be able to see each other til next week, so a phone call/text will have to do.
jax, thanx! letter’s a good idea, once did it with her but for the same reason not gonna see her, no letters either right now. This is crazy!
~a~
and aussie, speaking of thinking about what to write in regard to text, thanx for the thought that you put into that post.
~a~
to add to all that about a text vs. a letter or even an email, a text is very quick & especially very short, so it feels like the message is quick & insignificant.
anonymisss: I have a pretty good idea of what your relationship may be. If im right then it shouldnt mess it up to badly, although it may for a while, but if she believes what you said to be true then it may even strentghen your relationship because you were open and honest with her and she knows she can trust you (at least more than other people.) This is assuming Im right in my assumption of what your relationship is.
aussie, I’m waiting for you to come back to continue this conversation. See ya later.
~a~
Right- here is my random question for this thread-
Do you type texts with dictionary or do you have to hit each button multiple times???
Me personally I can hear you all ask??? ONLY dictionary…but now I’ve got my Blackberry Bold with keyboard…
noitall, i have a keyboard also and i never use it.
~a~
noitallmr: I use T9
aussie, you mean when you text message you spell things correctly?? 😉
moish: Otherwise the word comes out awtifgbejhgb lol. If i cant figure out how to spell it i just take off T9 and spell it however I want
Keyboards the best. Wished I had it…
T9 is very helpful in the meantime.
i hate T9 i only use when trying to figure out how to spell s/t and it looks embarrassingly wrong
I have both, generally opt for the keyboard, the other keypad takes a very long time in between each letter.
UPDATE: The entire day she didnt say a word to me and she was looking at me without making eye contact except for once or twice. I think we have a lurker on our hands, I’m almost sure I told her about the CR a really long time ago. (I was trying to change the topic)
Kapusta: you should offer her coffee next time you see her. Then, see if she winks back.
mepal, lol, I should, but I wouldnt, she drinks tons of coffee and I always tell her not too.
(once for the joke of the day, there was something, how do you know if you drink too much coffee, I gave it to her and she loved it!)
hmmm, so maybe by process of elimination you can figure out who she is. Unless she’s just a silly lurker.
Kapusta,
Why only a lurker? Maybe she’s mepal? Or bemused? You never know…
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