Regretting doing the shidduch
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- This topic has 21 replies, 21 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 4 months ago by observanteen.
December 3, 2010 12:49 pm at 12:49 pm #593315PurpleMember
My daughter got engaged, and while she is very happy BH, I am miserable. I really regret making this shidduch because he is not what i was looking for my daughter, and also because there were other much better prospects that I said no to. And now I’m eating myself up other this. I wonder if anyone else experienced this and how does one cope?December 3, 2010 1:30 pm at 1:30 pm #733705smartcookieMember
You should keep in mind that this was Bashert. There is nothing you can do!
Hopefully, your daughter will live a very happy life, but in the event that it turns out differently, you should know that was also Bashert.
Besides, that if you have other children, you will anyway have some DIL/SIL you will love everything about them, and others that you might be disappointed with.
As long as you’re daughter is happy, you should definitely be happy!December 3, 2010 1:38 pm at 1:38 pm #733706RSRHMember
I am sorry you feel distraught over such a happy occasion. While he may not be what you were looking for, you aren’t going to be marrying him, are you? He will be your daughter’s husband, and she must be happy with her choice. Clearly, she is not looking for the same things and planning the same life that you would plan for her, but thats her prerogative.December 3, 2010 1:46 pm at 1:46 pm #733707myfriendMember
While its okay to ask here how cope with this situation, do NOT accept advice from this forum as far as what to do about the shidduch itself. You should speak to a big Rov about that, and not anonymous people here who don’t know the nitty gritty details. Even personal friends who do know more of the details is not wise to follow advice before taking serious action that can harm you, your daughter, and your and her relationships. Speak to a Rov.December 3, 2010 1:50 pm at 1:50 pm #733708YW Moderator-80Member
myfriend is correct
but once they are married FORGET THAT REGRET, immediately and forever.
learn to love him and NEVER EVER let anyone know that you ever regretted this decision, NEVER. and especially keep it forgotten if you are ever angry at him or disagree with him. please remember this and resolve NOW before the potential situation arises to NEVER bring it upDecember 3, 2010 2:11 pm at 2:11 pm #733709SacrilegeMember
You got married already, its your daughters turn.
If she is old enough to get married she is old enough to choose a husband, and she did.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but its really not about you.December 3, 2010 2:22 pm at 2:22 pm #733710BEST IMAParticipant
Purple im sorry such a happy time is giving you so much concern. If there is something that you noticed that could be a big problem later on for example if he has a temper or something that could be a real issue discuss it with a Rav right away. If its just a personality issue that you dont like then let it go. But like mod 80 said NEVER let anyone know you arent happy about it. You arent going to be living with him if your daughter is happy thats the main thing.December 3, 2010 2:49 pm at 2:49 pm #733711rcParticipant
I have to disagree with most on this board. If you have feelings of regret there is a reason for them. (I’m assuming they’re not based on shallow things, like this is the first boy, how does she know whats out there? type of thing…or we wanted real money and this guy is from a family of mechanchim) . the RBS”O doesn’t make us feel this way for nothing. Speak it out to a Rav who knows you and can sense what your issues are, if they are valid it may be important to act on your feelings. You know your daughter well, probably better than she knows herself, and if you feel ill at ease, look deep into those reasons and seriously ask yourself if they are important. If what bothers you is a pgam in his middos, I would verify it with his Rebbe, and act upon it, very rarely can people change, and the little things you (really meaning your daughter) notice now become magnified as life unfolds. MOST IMPORTANTly, AND I KNOW THIS WORKS>>> DAVEN FOR CLARITY!! in a way you have never davened before. i teach preschool for many years and can say with almost certainty, that when a conflict arises between a parent and child and the parent does not know how to handle it, its usually because of a middah that the child possesses that is foreign to that parent (meaning it came from “the other side” . I tell Kallahs the reason its important to look at the boy’s family, and to look at the silblings, is to see if they possess middos that you can respect and identify with, because even if the chosson does not have those shortcomings, it will most likely come out in the children. And it causes alot of pain and heartache. I don;t know what your issues are, I just know usually if you feel something is wrong it probably is… Get help soon so as not to make this worse down the road. and at the very least, keep dialogue open with your daughter, listen to her as she talks about her chosson. maybe she knows him in a way you dont. or maybe she just really needs a reality check. My shitta is that you are the parent, and you don;t stop parenting until C”V one of you leaves this earth! Hatzlacha Raba..December 3, 2010 3:00 pm at 3:00 pm #733713popa_bar_abbaParticipant
This will sound harsh. It is harsh.
Purple: The emotion you are expressing is pathetic. Your daughter is happy to marry this person. It has nothing to do with you. You do not “get” a son-in-law; anything you get out of this is entirely incidental.
If you do not like your new son-in-law, that is too bad on you. If you ever say or imply anything negative about him to your daughter, you will be doing something very wrong.
Really, I think you need to change your attitude about this.December 3, 2010 3:06 pm at 3:06 pm #733714YatzmichMember
Stay far away from it, lady.
You need to tighten up your act. Do your michutanim know that you’re discussing this on a blog?
I mean why even bring it up here in the first place?December 3, 2010 3:09 pm at 3:09 pm #733715SJSinNYCMember
I agree with Popa.
Keep in mind, on paper, everyone is A+ perfect. In real life, you begin to see flaws.
Also, there is always someone “better” out there, but they may not be right for your child.
Be happy for your daughter. If you see abusive tendencies, show your daughter.December 3, 2010 3:17 pm at 3:17 pm #733716maxemilianMember
Why don’t you like him, be more specific.
ex. too big, too fat, too rude, arrogant, not learned.
too much beer, too much tv. too much video games. what is it
that you don’t like about him
As a father you have the right to say NO!.
and show you daughter things that she can’t see.
walk her out of it.
The truth is … she will be married to him not you.
But a parent knows better whats best for their children. Kids are easy to fool, and somewhat naive.
Do what is in the best interest of your child and not whats best for you.December 3, 2010 3:44 pm at 3:44 pm #733717bennaishekParticipant
the only advice i can offer is for you to do all that you can to conceal your dissapointment from your doughter . there is nothing worse for a womens shalom bayis than to feel that her husband is not loved and respected by her father . ( its not easy and takes great chuchma so best of luck )December 3, 2010 3:50 pm at 3:50 pm #733718blinkyParticipant
I agree with other posters in this forum- if there is a reason to be concerned then you have a valid excuse to be worried, but just because there were other better suggestions that doesn’t make sense. Your daughter has to find her happiness in her husband- not you! If she is happy with who her chosson is why should she consider someone that you like but she doesn’t- does that make sense to you? B’hatzlacha!December 3, 2010 5:09 pm at 5:09 pm #733719bptParticipant
If your daughter is happy, why aren’t you?December 3, 2010 5:14 pm at 5:14 pm #733720bptParticipant
Sorry – I clicked “post” too fast.
What is it that you regret? There were better looking boys? More money? Yichus? More “wow factor” that the neighbors would be impressed with?
If its any of these, forget it. If its something fundamental like a middos flaw, that bears some looking at, but at this point, it should be looked at by your daas torah, so you know its objective.December 5, 2010 1:44 am at 1:44 am #733722Bar ShattyaMember
Whats good for the goose is good for the gander and vise-versa. I don’t know why you didn’t go on more dates with them than you did. It is clear to me that your gross negligence will bite your daughter hard. Now is the time to give your daughter a stern talking-to and explain the maalos of the other guys. I know its coming from the heart and she’ll feel it too.December 5, 2010 2:03 am at 2:03 am #733723aries2756Participant
Your post is very confusing and it does not reflect well on your own sense of confidence. You say you regret saying “NO” to better prospects and saying “yes” to this shidduch. Why did this prospect seem better at the time, and why did you turn those down at the time? Is it really this young man that you don’t like or are you suddenly in a panic about losing your daughter?
Is this your first child getting married? Is this your first experience with shidduchim? It sounds like it or at least your first experience with a daughter. Sosme of the posters assume you are the mother and some assume your are the father. I am not going to make an assumption other than you are getting cold feet and you really need to take a step back and take a deep breath. Is your daughter happy? That should be your main concern. This really isn’t about making you happy it is all about your daughter and her right to be happy and fullfilled. If she is happy you should be too. You should not feel a need or a right to control her or even the wedding plans, you had your chance when it was you who was getting married. Now it is your daughter’s turn to plan her own wedding along with her chosson. I am quite sure she has dreamt about this day for a long time. You probably have as well, but they are the King and Queen and what they want are the priority right now as long as it is within reason and within the budget both sets of parents set.
So unless there is something wrong with this chosson that will pose a physical or emotional threat to your daughter, you should really take a step back and take a good hard look at what is going on with you and why you feel this way. You might even need a Rav or a therapist to talk to in order to work out your feelings and have someone to vent to so you don’t cause any damage to your relationship with your daughter and future son-in-law. This is a very emotional time for all of you and there are going to be lots of different feelings and emotions that are going to come to the surface. There will be happy feelings as well as sadness. There will be nervousness, and doubts as well as eagerness and excitement. Weddings bring about all kinds of emotions as well as anxiety and some craziness. So find someone that will help you through this sea of emotions so that you can participate and enjoy your daughter’s happiness.January 31, 2011 4:51 am at 4:51 am #733725565656Participant
purple? are u ok now with the shidduch? did your feelings change?January 31, 2011 5:29 am at 5:29 am #733726intersaantehMemberJanuary 31, 2011 6:05 am at 6:05 am #733727oomisParticipant
None of us knows why this shidduch is suddenly unappealing. Nevertheless, unless there is a very real concern, i.e. you discovered he is a liar/phony or a gambler, or abusive, etc. then you would be wise to keep your feelings to yourself and make every effort to re-find what it was that made you think he was right for your daughter in the first place.
Whatever it is, here’s a lesson for us all. Listen to ALL suggestions that people have for shidduchim and don’t discard them out of hand for foolish reasons. Maybe they are “better prospects,” maybe not. But it sounds like you feel you rejected them for the wrong reasons and now have charata. The lesson learned is that we don’t usually get a do over. So we need to try to get it right the first time around, and really give proper thought when making a decision as serious as accepting a shidduch.January 31, 2011 4:02 pm at 4:02 pm #733728observanteenMember
Buyer’s remorse. My relative who married off 14 kids had it after every single shidduch. Solution: Emunah and Bitachon.
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