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I don’t know if anyone noticed or cared that I’ve been missing here for a bit of time, but here’s why. Last week, when I logged on one day and saw that brooklyn19’s identity was revealed to many other posters it made me so shocked and upset that my CR addiction, which had been pretty intense, was completely broken. I personally have no idea who she is in real life but others seem to have figured it out. I really hope that she gave enough false info in the past to throw people off and that those who think they know her are wrong, but I have no clue if that’s the case. What bothered me even more was that nobody seemed too concerned about it, in fact one poster seemed to be gloating about it. Chevra, this fun and games can have real life consequences. For a girl (or a guy)- especially one in the shidduch parsha – to have her identity revealed after airing her thoughts and opinions openly is pretty scary to say the least. Ans all this was on top of it happening to DHI not too long ago. Its not that either of them said anything so crazy but I would hope they never have to explain to a shadchan what they meant when they said something in the CR under the assumption that it will remain anonymous forever.
I hope I’m overreacting and that brooklyn didn’t take it as hard as I did. Moish, can you let us know?
I did skim through a few recent posts and was happy to see that the mods are cracking down on those who try to pry personal info from other posters, but everyone needs to be vigilant on their own too. Small details about you can be woven together to out you. If you post one day that your grandparents came from a certain town in europe and the next week you post that your father went to a certain yeshiva and then another time you post that your sister married a guy from a certain city last year, all these tidbits can add up and blow your identity.
I once warned a H.S. girl here that she was revealing too much info and she responded that she didn’t think anyone would bother to keep track of her posts. well, it seems that some people get a thrill out of destroying the anonymity of others so yes, they are tracking every single hint about your identity. Please be careful out there! Be very vague about anything that has to do with you in real life and don’t feel the need to answer every question you are asked here!
As for my addiction, it probably will come back if I start posting again, so I’m not sure if I will or not – I have to admit that I do miss it here, but I will be reading this thread. If I do return to the CR full time, will I get welcomed again on the new member thread, asdfghjkl?
charlie- Buddy! Pal! Friend! you grossly underestimate yourself. Does anyone care that you were missing??? of course! you know how many posts I sacrificed asking where you’ve been?? and i say “sacrifice” cuz precious few are actually being posted lately.
We really missed you (at least i did)
and- you’ll be proud to know that yours truly has made several warnings to the same effect in the past and present.
please come back- we’ll behave
right now she’s away and i haven’t spoken to her but i don’t think she’s coming back. she said they don’t really know who she is, but i don’t know.
we missed you, charlie
I think that is why I am not too crazy of the personal conversations I see in the CR. I think they get people in trouble, as in Brooklyn’s case. I myself am trying to stick to the posted thread and not go off on a tangent.
Charlie, I don’t say anything here that I don’t mean. I am not afraid of being ousted and I don’t have any problem giving bits of personal information. If people want to figure out who I am, go ahead.
Squeak thought he had me figure out but was wrong 🙂
Charlie –
We here at the YW Coffee Room completely agree with your statement. Over the last few days we were all discussing a way of putting an end to this. We spent a lot of time working on a list of rules for the CR and we are in the process of finalizing them. They will be posted shortly.
Thank you for expressing your feelings on this matter. We look forward to seeing many more posts from you.
Charlie welcome back.Although i didn’t get a chance to converse with you i can tell you are a very responsible and insightful individuale.I’m looking forward for some great discussions with you.
Whats is so geferlach if people know each others identity. I generally don’t see anyone posting stuff that is wrong and embarrassing if they were known.
Conversations would be more civilized if people wouldn’t hide behind a cloak. (Assuming that was the universal policy.)
I agree with Charlie. It seems that the CR has degenerated into into a version of a frum online dating website. No matter what the thread, the topic has veered into personal conversations and attempts to pry out personal data ( male or female, old or young etc ). It’s become very uncomfortable and I’ve stopped reading most threads.
yeah charlie, you are so the coolest guy around. and that’s big stuff coming from me – i generally think a lot of people are either insensitive or hypocrites. (no offense to the rest of you – but you gotta prove yourself)
charlie brown – Very well stated! As it has been said before and I am sure it will be said again: You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown. I hope that this post does not reveal too much info about you :o)
My goodness mod-72 i was seriously considering taking down your post as it was revealing to much info about charlie.lol.
charlie brown: i’m completly with ya on not having identidies revealed!! it deeply saddened me what happened to brooklyn!!! for sure you’ll get a welcome back in the new members thread when you join full time!!! in another thread me and aveirim were talkin about us missing ya!!!
my ireland thing when i joined, was actually part of my plan of not having my identidy revealed ever btw!!!
moish01: please sent her my best!!!
I agree for the most part with what “charlie brown” is saying.
I think that some people may try to find out someone’s real-world name because they find the person interesting or have formed an online friendship, and are afraid that one day the person may vanish, leaving no way to ever be contacted again.
There are also those who “unmask” other posters just for the vicarious “gotcha” thrill.
In both cases, this is not right (although the first is a lot more understandable).
As frustrating as it might be, the best thing to do is view friendships and associations formed on this site as ephemeral – an enjoyable diversion, but nothing of real substance.
At least one poster on this thread has revealed something personal that would preclude him/her from ever meeting someone from this site in the real world and revealing their SN(I can’t say anything more for obvious reasons).
It may even be a good idea to have a throwaway SN, or if you slip and reveal something personal, to create a new SN and abandon the old one to preserve privacy.
I requested on another thread that the mods not “bust” multiple SNs with the same IP, because potentially real harm can be caused.
I’m sure anyone who causes tzar to another person by revealing info that unmasks and embarrasses them feels rotten – this is a serious issue and the fact that it is being addressed is appreciated.
Keep up the good work.
I guess you’re all talking about me and I should hide my face. Brooklyn, I hope you’re reading this. If all the info that you posted on here was accurate, then you’re not who I thought you were. (I asked my friend.) So if that’s why you went into hiding, you could come out now. I’m sorry for any anxieties or aggravation that I may have caused you. (You could tell her, moish.)
~a~
just came up with the AWESOMIST idea! make charlie into a moderator and that solves all the problems!
a) charlie will stay
b) he’ll be able to delete whatever posts he wants
c) we’ll get an extra moderator
now wasn’t that simply ingenious?
Moish… that was real brain power!!!!! Gr8 idea 🙂
As for the personal thing… I do agree that it is remotely close to a chat room (what do I know from these things?? not a clue… but my understanding of it) especially b/c ppl share that they are of the opposite gender young and old I dunno, it kind of bothers me. I think we should keep this to the cold facts and opinions with out the chummy chummy getting to know ya buddy and really know you!
welcome back charlie brown, lucy and linus missed you. definitely need some clear rules in the cr.
Shkoyach Charlie!
I think most people posting are saying things with the assumption that they are completely annonymous. There is nothing wrong with that. It is human nature to not want people to know everything about you and is normal to not always feel comfortable expressing your views. Therefore if someone is revealed it can be very uncomfortable to say the least. I know I have revealed some things about myself that if someone would know it’s me I’d be very upset.
That said, I think everyone has a responsibility to protect their own anonymity (sp?). No one can pry information out of someone who is unwilling to share. You can’t blame your mistakes on others. Of course it’s not right to try to pry information but it is still the poster him/herself who is responsible. If I remember correctly, in one case her identity was revealed to one person by answering a question straight out! She actually gave herself away willingly. I don’t really get why it helps to “hide” afterwards, but whatever.
An other point that I think is appropriate to mention here is that in the past people have offered their email addresses for people to contact them. I was very surprised to see that it is posted. Who knows who they really are? Isn’t that one of the extreme dangers the internet is notorious for? I think that should NEVER be allowed!
Okay, I wonder if anyone actually read until here :).
Charlie Brown, why are you afraid of the way you think? Are you afraid of other’s disapproval?
While I can understand that its easier to admit certain things anonymously, you really shouldnt be saying anything that would bother you if someone figured out who you were.
And I agree with Will Hill…
Have been asking for clear set of rules for a long time.
http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/guidelines-for-posts
moish you are a genius. (+2)
The creepiest are the one’s who obsess over who a poster is, and googles them to try and figure them out, then post names they assume you have, and other not very nice comments towards that poster. That was just sick, and creepy.
Intellegent is right. If you don’t want your identity known, don’t give away so much info.
The one who got found out had given away so much personal info that anyone who ever met her could have figured it out.
Don’t go blame it on everyone else.
maybe it’s my age, probably is but why would someone be soooooo curious as to who is writting. i guess it’s the way of the world.
I could not agree with you more. I one time made a huge fool out of myself and others by pretending to be a very sheltered girl and pretend that learning boys are bums. I then apologized after a million ppl commented and yelled at me! I think im the only yeshivaworld.com post zoche to be written in green! anyways, i would be MORTIFIED if anyoen found out who i am!!
Out Of The Mailbag – To YW Editor (Stigmas in Shiduchim) (I was post #9!) so anyways, kudos to yeshivaworld for making sure that my name does not get revealed to others!
It is indeed the way of the world–but especially in the Jewish world, where it is assumed that you’re probably only a few friends and relatives away from figuring out who another poster is. The fact that most posters on YWM identify as Orthodox Jews makes the job that much simpler, since they’ll mostly be centered in a few geographical areas.
However, there is no excuse for someone to actively participate in the bullying and unmasking of a poster who clearly does not wish to be unmasked. It’s cruel, embarrassing, and it shouldn’t be a source of personal pride. While some, like Will Hill and SJSinNYC, are clearly neutral on the idea of being identified, the majority of people that come here seem to come here for an open, honest, ANONYMOUS discussion.
I think what happened to Brooklyn19 is shameful, though it may be argued that she provided too much information in different posts. Even so, it is nobody’s business who she’s dating, where she works or how old she actually is. I, for one, care about the answers to these questions exactly as much as I care about knowing similar information about any random girl in Brooklyn who happens to pass by.
Imagine yourself arbitrarily stopping a Jewish girl on the streets of Brooklyn and interrogating her to find out her personal information.
Would you feel like a big, macho man then?
Or a sleazy creep?
Think about it.
ok, ok- i think we get the point. But let’s remember that neither extreme, regarding anything, is ever good. It doesn’t have to be either zero personal info or carelessness.
Take Charlie & myself as an example. I’m here for a very short time, yet I do feel that “chummy” feeling with Charlie (dunno if it’s mutual :))- and neither of us ever revealed personal info. (This feeling is probably due to the fact that we keep the same hours in the CR.)
I completely agree with Intelligent regarding direct contact- it’s a terribly dangerous world out there and there are lunatics lurking everywhere; even in the CR (or shall I say- especially in the CR ;)! .
My point being, you have to use your head and always take the middle road.
Perhaps the Mods’ guidelines will help those that can’t differentiate between having a little fun and seriously harming themselves. But in general, I don’t think every post with seemingly personal info should be deleted. The Mods too need to use their G-d given seichel.
Whew- long speech. Sorry if I chewed your ear off
Joseph, what are your feelings regarding this issue?
charlie, i think i have a new hero
areivimzehlazeh
when I was talking about contact information the reason it would be absolutely necessary for mods to not post email addresses is because if one of your “lunatics” (and not the typical cr type of lunatic) decides to post their email address so someone who is say struggling with teenage issues can contact him/her, an innocent kid might email and you never know where that could go. it’s dangerous. Everyone, use your seichel!
who said you ever had the job? i just created it.
intelligent- i dunno what you’re arguing about, i agreed with you
who said i was arguing? 🙂
I didn’t meant to argue, I just mentioned your name because it was sort of in reference to what you said.
anonymisss-
I was not referring to you. I was originally not going to confirm or deny any “who are you referring to” questions, but not at the expense of leaving someone else feeling bad. The poster(s) I was referring to said nothing wrong, but would not want their identit(ies) revealed because of the personal nature of info they revealed.
charlie brown-
Thank you. It’s nice to see people being so concerned about yenem’s kavod and feelings.
People-
There are some issues here that don’t have a “one size fits all” answer.
For instance:
“If you’re afraid of being unmasked, never post anything that could be embarrassing”
What about..
1) – a baal teshuva who was frum-from-birth, went off the derech, and is now back who would like to give helpful advice from a been-there-done-that perspective?
2) – someone who experienced an abusive spouse and wants to explain that simply “not telling” when it comes to shidduch info is not always the correct approach?
3) – someone who is having agmis nefesh from a child, be it academically, behaviorally, or hashkafically? The questioner and the answerer undoubtedly would like their privacy kept.
4) – a young person who is having serious issues or doubts and needs someone to speak to, but doesn’t know where to turn?
5) – someone who is having physical or mental health issues and/or questions and would like to find someone to speak to?
6) – someone who is having difficulty with a social acquaintance, coworker, or family member and could use some advice?
“Never give out contact info”
What about…
1) There are a couple of girls who found a common interest on the “running” thread, and wanted to meet up to go running together.
2) The offer (not accepted) my wife and I extended to speak with a parent who was considering a school that I know quite well for her daughter.
3) A couple of guys who are interested in the same sugya getting together to learn (I haven’t seen it happen yet, but definitely a possibility).
4) People who may have helpful advice on touchy and personal issues (medical, family, etc.) based on their own experiences (such as one person who posted about the difficulty their so was having finding a yeshiva that met his needs).
5) A shadchan who may want to pass along his/her info to a single on this site based on stated interests and hashkofos.
There are many, many more instances where it may be sensible to make exceptions.
I wish the editor and moderators much hatzlocha in making the correct judgments and decisions.
ICOT, well put. You have articulated many of the reasons why I am on the fence about this mod/editor decision. However, the guidelines that they come up with can be a work in progress. If a restriction doesn’t make sense, it can be loosened later. At first though, safer is better.
squeak-
Thank you.
“At first though, safer is better.” – Agreed, 100%
I can only try
While I agree with your first part, I don’t agree with the last part about giving out contact information. If they want to give a general hotline number or some other address for help that’s fine, but I don’t think the benefits outweigh the risk of giving out random email addresses to random people.
intelligent-
I can understand that some people may be uncomfortable about meeting or even speaking to strangers they only know from this site.
1) There are a couple of girls who found a common interest on the “running” thread, and wanted to meet up to go running together.
2) The offer (not accepted) my wife and I extended to speak with a parent who was considering a school that I know quite well for her daughter.
3) A couple of guys who are interested in the same sugya getting together to learn (I haven’t seen it happen yet, but definitely a possibility).
4) People who may have helpful advice on touchy and personal issues (medical, family, etc.) based on their own experiences (such as one person who posted about the difficulty their son was having finding a yeshiva that met his needs).
– Once again, how can I possibly not offer to help with something as important as this? The rabonim / conference call arrangement described above can apply here, too.
5) A shadchan who may want to pass along his/her info to a single on this site based on stated interests and hashkofos.
Many people, probably including you, will disagree with some or all of my thinking.
Basically, in all of the above cases, I am weighing the good that can be done vs. the risk of contacting someone unknown.
This is also factoring in that this is a frum site and most posters have left somewhat of a trail as to what they’re like, how they think, and what their hashkofos are.
I think there should be one coffee room thread for people who want to post an email address. Sometimes it could help with a shidduch or something else. Why not leave it up to each person?
or if u want someone to email you u can make a new email address just for that-that u are willing to post i dont see y the mods wouldnt allow that
ICOT –
Just a thought that occured to me (without agreeing or disagreeing with your point), how could you be confident someone didn’t put on a show in order to eventually obtain someone’s contact information? (i.e. hey, lets go running together, or I have a great shidduch… but the ulterior motive being just to get the contact — not for the purported benefit.)
I just typed up a long response to ICOT, but then decided to delete it and not post.
Jo – the contact info she gave me was her junk email address and I responded from my junk email account. If I discovered she was #1 on the FBI list, I could easily just stop using that account, as it was merely created for the junk emails anyways. (Ashreinu – happy running!)
In addition, say someone decided they wanted to meet me, and I was uncertain as to their motives. We could do it shidduch style, i.e. provide me with a reference. Or we could try to find someone who knows both of us, i.e. I attend YWN shul, do you know anyone there who can vouch for your identity?.
Overall, I still would be hesitant abut allowing a free exchange of email addresses. (Am I a hypocrite?)
Joseph-
In both cases you give, I think it would be extremely unlikely that an individual with ulterior motives would know frum lingo and be so driven to put on such an act.
In the case of the runners, they can meet in, let’s say, Mendelson’s, with male relatives present. Alternately, find common friends or acquaintances. I’m sure there are other ways as well to filter out creepy poseurs.
In the case of someone who claims to be a shadchan, let him/her provide proof that they are indeed what they claim to be, via references, a known Rov, etc. before even considering contacting them.
Please realize that the “Ride Sharing” thread is already allowing contact for a good reason, even though a stranger in your car is potentially more risky – obviously in all these cases common sense and caution are important.
BS”D
I have no problem revealing my personal info. I am none other than Lipa Schmeltzer in disguise and if you believe that one, I sell you a bridge in New Square it go from the men side to the vyber side of the street on Monday and Wednesday and the vyber side of the street to the men side of the street on Tuesday and Thursday. On Friday, Shabbos and Sunday it stop in the middle from the road….
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